Harry Potter Cross Over
>>>By Kapok the Dictator of the Omniverse
Kapok, Saba, Piccolo, Rass and Mizz get together to go out one evening. They decide to go out to a nightclub, and Rass offers to give them a lift in his new car – a red convertible, that he just purchased from a suspicious, dark-cloak wearing character. The five get in, and as soon as Rass starts up the engine, they are suddenly transported to some mysterious place, with a massive castle next to an equally large lake. The car lands in the lake, and starts sinking. Saba automatically teleports the lotta them to dry land, where they watch the car bubble under.
Rass: NOOO!!! I PAID TWO BUCKS FOR THAT!!!
Mizz: Two dollars? That’s actually- cheap.
Piccolo: I think one of my enemies sold you that car cheap so he could transport us all to this strange place-
Rass: Hey! I have enemies too, y’know!
Saba: isn’t anyone going to thank me for the teleportation?
Kapok: hey, guys! Look over there at that massive castle with all the lights on! Do you think anyone lives there?
Rass: (strikes heroic pose) there is only one way to find out. (Turns to piccolo) scan it.
Piccolo: (nods and closes eyes. All watch him intently. Then he opens his eyes) yes. There are thousands in there, and nearly all of them are magic users.
Saba: am I stronger than them?
Piccolo: (thinks about it) somewhat…
Saba: (makes fist, grabs top of Piccolo’s shirt) I. Said. Am. I. Stronger?
Piccolo: eep. Yes. Definitely.
Mizz: Someone’s coming over!
(Huge figure looms up out of dark. All pull out assorted weapons)
Hagrid: Oyyii, what are you students doing out here? Don’t you know its nearing curfew?
Kapok: who the *hell* are you?
Hagrid: (squints at Piccolo) you’re not an ob’goblin, now, are yee?
Piccolo: (growls)
Rass: a what???
Saba: this place is weird. Let’s go up to the castle. Maybe there is food there.
Hagrid: hmm. I dunno what yee is, and I’m not smart enough to work it out, so I’ll take yee to Headmaster Dumbledore. He’s in the mess hall – err, dining room, right now.
Kapok: from what I’ve been able to make out of this creature’s strange dialect, it appears he expects us to follow him.
Rass: I know what it is! He’s Lassie! Take us home, boy, there’s a good dog! (Hagrid turns to go) Or at least bring us liquor? Doggie? Where are you going?
Mizz: if we’re going up to the castle, maybe we should take some precautions. We don’t know if these people are friendly, or not. (pulls out gun, reloads it)
Kapok: Your paranoia is always appreciated. (in blink, has changed clothes, is now in customary apparel.)
Saba: are we ready?
Piccolo: (still seething from hob-goblin comment) lets go. I got a score to settle…
They get to the gates, after crossing some odd sort of field, with towers all around it. The door doesn’t want to open, so Saba kicks it in.
They start wandering through the hallways, when a greasy, lank, dark, haired guy with a big nose comes along.
Snape: what are you children doing here? You should be in the dining room. And what *have* you done to your selves (eyes Piccolo and Saba)
Saba: (frowns, but lets the comment pass) dining room? Like, with food there?
Piccolo: (grinds teeth)
Snape: don’t you student’s know anything? What house are you in?
(all look at each other blankly)
Snape: right. Well, when I find out your names and houses, I am removing fifteen points for each of you!
Kapok: (wriggles fingers in mistic/spooky gesture) OoH. That’s so scary… (laughs)
Snape: and a detention for you! Where is your uniform? You look like a –
Kapok: (puts out hand, and freezes Snape) are you sure you want to finish that? (Snape doesn’t move, there is now fear in his eyes)
Mizz: Kapok… don’t kill him… we might need him.
Piccolo: yes, no matter what they say, we should not resort to violence- they are the locals, you know, not good to anger them. And they obviously just don’t know any better.
Mizz: I *was* going to suggest a hostage, but if you say so planto-
Kapok: (relaxes) I suppose your right… We’ll keep him as a human shield. (moves finger. Snape, still frozen, turns around, and starts to glide down the corridor. They all follow him. They come to a large atrium, with many interlocking staircases.)
Piccolo: what is this place? (lifts off ground, flying. Has a look around the different floors)
Saba: No idea, but I’m following my nose. (heads up a staircase. Others follow. Staircase starts to change)
Rass: O-Holy SHIT! WTF???
Mizz: I saw the same thing in the tombs of the Rankallari! It must be a mechanical booby trap or something! (grabs up Snape’s wand, and wedges it into the crack where the staircase joins the wall. There is a grinding noise, and some sparks, but then the staircase stops moving.)
Kapok: Well done.
Saba: (mutters) OH, sure, thank your b/f, but when it comes to thanking Saba? Even after she saves you all from certain wet-ness? OH –No.
Rass: were you saying something, Saba?
Saba: (sweetly) of course not, Rass, dear.
Rass: (gives Saba his my-god-you-freak-your-scaring-me eyes, and they continue up the stairs. As they get to the top, they notice the people in the paintings are moving, following them. So Saba and Piccolo blast, and Mizz joins in with the automatic shotgun, and it becomes a game of firing practice. Fun-fun! When all the paintings are destroyed, They continue on to the mess hall.
As They get there, massive doors open for them, and as they enter, the noise level in the room drops. They made it into the center of the dining hall.)
Dumbledore: Ah! You must be the visitors from another world that that bowl of water in my bed-room told me about. Welcome, to Hogwarts School of wizardry and witchcraft.
Saba: these people are all witches?
Piccolo: well, I told you they were magic users, what did you think?
Saba: I dunno… a large number of Kapok-clones?
Kapok: Hey! I can keep my clones under control, thankyou very much. Not like someone else we know!
(stares pointedly at Piccolo. He goes kinda brown (red + green = brown))
Piccolo: AN-Ee-way. The point is, how do we get home?
Mizz: do we really want to? There could be more paintings – that was fun!
Rass: (looks up, sees all the candles and things floating around. Points and yells) Witch-craft! Witches! Burn The WITCHES!!!
Saba: Err, Rass? *Sweatdrop*
Kapok: Did someone say burn?
Rass: where’s my pitchfork?
Herminie Granger: (stands up from place nearby at a table) I’m very sorry I have to do this – (chucks a freeze spell at Rass, who steps behind Kapok)
Kapok: Brr. I feel their evil chill passing through me… (shudders, but is seemingly otherwise uneffected by the spell. Rass pulls out oversized torch.)
Rass: yess, burn, burn-!
Saba: RASS! KAPOK! They were witches all along!
Rass: then they disguised themselves, eh? Take that!, evil ones! (Throughs flaming brand at high table. Dumbledore’s beard catches fire, he runs around waving his arms, with sycophant teachers like professor McGonogall running after him with a jug of water, trying to douse the flames. Students get up and start screaming, running around.)
Rass: (looks proudly at chaos she has caused) my work here is done.
Piccolo: Rass! What Have I been trying to tell you about the intertime travel rule?
Rass: (chants like two times table) Change one thing in the past, it could effect the future.
Piccolo: and what *else* have I been trying to tell you?
Rass: That the same goes for inter-dimensional transport? (realisation) O.O I probably shouldn’t have done that, hey?
Piccolo: (nods. Sternly)
Saba: Now when we go home something will be different. (turns to Kapok) This is all your fault! Why did you encourage him???
Kapok: well, if I remember correctly, it wasn’t me who took us here in the first place. (both turn to glare at Rass)
Rass: WHAaat?
Saba: well, I suppose we should DO something.
Kapok: I say we go around, and start collecting souls in glass jars.
Mizz: I second that.
Saba: NOO. We have to find a way to get home.
Piccolo: what is this… could Saba be finally taking on some form of responsibility?
Rass: (stares sadly at student running past, whose robe is on fire) no, she just wants to ruin all our fun…
Saba: Too right I do- I mean, no… well… I suppose it does sort of sound like that, doesn’t it? Oh, alright, you can have some fun. Enjoy yourselves. But we’ll meet back up at midnight!
Kapok: (pulls out glass jar, grabs Mizz’s hand, and they skip off to collect souls.)
Piccolo: (to burning student) Excuse me, could you tell me the way to the library, restricted section? (student raised charred arm and points) thankyou.
Rass: I smell blood… barbecue style… (trails after fleeing students)
Saba: (realizes she is now left alone) hmm… what to do… I know! I’ll go try find that Vodemont fellow. Allegedly the strongest in this country. Perhaps he has some technique that could bring me more power… to the forbidden forest! (tele-ports out)
Kapok: (squinting at writing on wall) Gryffindor house… I sense they have good souls. Mizz?
Mizz: We’re low on good souls. They are just so rare.
Kapok: alright. We’ll stock up on some of these then. (starts tapping wall around painting to find a way to get in. Fat lady in Pink walks into painting)
Fat lady: What are you up to? Troublemakers, no doubt!
Mizz: I got this one. (pulls out gun, and shoots lady. The hole in the painting seems to pin the fat lady to the canvas. She starts screaming)
Kapok: (hands over ears) I think you set off some kind of internal alarm. See if there is a key pad or something so you can turn off that siren!
Mizz: on it. (walks further up corridor, staring intently at the walls. The fat lady’s screams die down as she does.)
Mizz: Kapok, Darling, did it ever occur to you that you might be a witch?
Kapok: (looks offended) me?!! I will never be a witch. Ever. Witches follow rules, and chant rhymes, and… spells, and cauldrons, and dress up in black… (looks down at clothes – black leather. Sweatdrops) Anyway. I’m … why did you have to bring that up?
Mizz: no reason. (Kapok Pulls out crowbar and prizes painting off wall.)
Mizz: here we go…
(They look into the room, a comfy-looking area with a cozy open fire and furniture made of scuffed red leather. Terrified Gryfindors huddle and flee – but there is no escape…)
Saba: (wandering through forrest. A great big blue centaur jumps out in front of her)
Centaur: This way is dangerous. I’m afraid I’m going to have to escort you off the premises, miss.
Saba: who are you calling miss?
Centaur: you.
Saba: oh yeah… well I don’t like it. (blasts centaur, who dissolves in sketchy ashy-ness.)
Rass: Ho humm… mmm… blood…
Hagrid: Ho there, me little blood gomen!
Rass: mmm… bloodddd….
Hagrid: (standing in front of a group of first-years, like human shield) I know just what do do. Get him to transform into a flock o’ bats, then set the owls on ‘im.
Rass: O_o That’s just nasty.
Hagrid: Oyyii…
Rass: Well, I’m definitely NOT transforming into a plague of bats, then.
Hagrid: Oyyii… well, iff you want ta eat these students, your gonna have to go through me!
Rass: Who says I was after the students when I followed you here?
Hagrid: #_#” Arr…
Rass: Ogre…. Blood… mmm… delicacy!… (the first years run away screaming)
Piccolo: (in restricted section of library) Hmm... resurecting the dead, Life in a vial, eternal youth… Ah! Here it is! regrow your own hair!
Harry Potter: I will defeat you, evil scum!
Kapok: You can’t do that! You’re the evil scum!
HP: Am not!
Kapok: Am Too!…
Herminie: (sweatdrop)
Kapok: err, Are Too!
HP: Am Not!
Mizz: (struggling, shoving a iridescent blue soul into the glass jar. The body of Neville Longbottom is sprawled on the floor nearby. Nev’s foot keeps popping back out of the jar, and Mizz can’t seem to get it to stay in) Kapok.. a little help?
Kapok: (sighs) oh, okay. But I’ve taught you time and time again. If you want the soul to fit, you put the head in first, *then* the heart, then the hands. The feet fit round the head, next to the thing’s ears.
Mizz: but it’s soo complicated!
Kapok: Stop whinging. Go get that ugly kid, the one with glasses. He seemed good enough. (mutters) annoying twerp..
Mizz: Ok.
HP: I will defeat you, evil scum!
Mizz: *cough* sure… (pulls out gun and shoots Ron. A blue irridesent soul starts emerging from his body. )
Kapok: (puts glass jar filled with soul into Mizz’s backpack.) Mi-izz… I said the ugly one…
Mizz: (looks guilty) sorry…
Kapok: and he was one of my favorites in the movie… (looks like she’s about to cry)
Mizz: err… so … what should I do with it? (is holding Ron’s soul by the foot. It seems to want to drift off towards the ceiling)
Kapok: //sigh//. No point wasting a good soul. Jar him. perhaps I can resurrect it or something later. Make sure you label the jars. Last time I ended up sticking some ancient undead mummy into the body of a teenage zombie. What a mess *that* made…
Saba: *what* is that? (sees dead unicorn on the ground. Goes over.) eww, gross. This is most definitely one for the X-files.
Lord Vodemont: (hissing) whoo the hellssss are you….
Saba: I was about to hiss the same thing.
Lord Vodemont: Oopi, no need, I can read out names off the script now. Ssssoo. You have come here to get power?
Saba: (shrugs) that pretty much sums it up.
LV: join with me…
Saba: Y’know, it just occurred to me how sic that sounds. I think I’ll just destroy you and call it training.
LV: Hissssssssssssssss (rises off ground and floats toward Saba. She raises a hand, and ki-blasts the ghost thingo. It dissapates in a puff of bad-smelling smoke.)
Saba: well that was nothing. And to think, I left the banquet in the dining room for this! (realizes what she has done) OH NO! I – left – the – banquet!!! (teleports away)
Piccolo: (massive grin on face, and dark green Afro on head. I know, it’s one of those things you never thought you’d see…)
Rass: leaning against a wall, holding stomach) So full… (sees Piccolo) Oh. My. God. S. Piccolo?
Piccolo: oh, hello Rass.
Rass: what happened to you?
Piccolo: I have returned to my former youthfull beauty!
Rass: ppht! Yeah, if you were growing up in the sixties.
Piccolo: I was.
Rass: no you weren’t.
Piccolo: … (then Saba Teleports in)
Saba: Holy Kama! What’s sucking on your head, P-man? (reaches up)
Piccolo: (ducks) don’t touch the ‘fro!
Saba: (trying to control laughter) Is – that… do you mean to tell me… (bursts out laughing. Just then, they hear two little beeps, and Kapok, and Mizz carrying a bulky bag over his shoulder step out from a newly made hole in the wall)
Kapok: (to Mizz) and I can’t believe we got a wizzened mentor soul! I’ve been wanting one of them for ages!
Mizz: yeah, gotta catch them all! (they both stopped and stared at Piccolo)
Kapok: Piccolo, you really need to wash more often…
Piccolo: (smile fades) why? Do I smell? (lifts arm, and sniffs) That’s a little hard, coz I don’t sweat…
Mizz: no, I think you’ve got some mould or something growing on your head.
Piccolo: (indignant) Its HAIR.
Kapok and Mizz: O_o
Piccolo: (sniff’s)
Saba: eh, heh heh heh… (wipes tear from eye) so any way. What shall we do now?
Rass: dunno. What do we feel like doing? (just then, Dumbledore, McGonogall, HP, Ginny and Herminie start marching down the corridor towards them. They all have wands out and are waving them at the group and chanting.)
Mizz: quick! It’s the natives!
Saba: aww, don’t worry about them. I just took on their allegedly ‘strongest’, he was a pathetic weakling. Vodemont just dissolved at the first spark from my Ki blast. They can’t hurt me.
Piccolo: Well, actually, Saba, they can. See, they use magic, and you use ki. They are two different things. It seems probable to me that this Vodemont fellow wasn’t protected against your sort of attack, and so went down so easy. In the same way, it is most likely that you are not protected against a magic attack.
Saba: (rolling on the ground laughing) BWA Ha – I’m – sorry – I – just – can’t take – you seriously – in an afro!
Kapok: what are you saying, piccolo?
Piccolo: we should RUN!!! (they all run back down the hallway, away from the angry on-coming witches. They make it to the dining room, and slam the big doors behind them.)
Saba: I think were safe. For now.
Mizz: (glares around) that was too easy…
Kapok: Ssh! You’ll jinks us! Whever someone says ‘that was too easy’, or ‘it’s *too* quiet, something has to happen to change it!
Mizz: well, you just said them both. (tense silence)
Herminie: Hee-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha (evil witchy laugh)
Rass: Oh NO! the witches are coming through on their broomsticks!
(the witches are coming through on their broomsticks, entering via the openings that the owls usually deliver mail through)
Harry Potter: Die, Villians! And Return Ron’s Soul!!!
Kapok: I WILL NOT RETURN HIS SOUL!!!. . . (long pause. Others look at her expectantly) oh, yeah. AND WE WILL NOT DIE, EITHER!
HP: oh yes, you will.
Kapok: oh no we won’t
HP: oh yes you will.
Saba: what an annoying little twerp. (blasts him, and HP goes flying off his broom to hit the floor with a sharp crack, that sort of reverberates around the room. Kapok goes over to him)
Kapok: his head is caved in, although I think he was ugly like that before…
Mizz: how can a head just cave in? it would have to be empty… (also goes over to body) … yep, it caved in alright…
Rass: well, people, my gut usually tells me when I need to puke, and this time, my head is telling me I need to leave. This party’s gotten messy.
Kapok: I agree. Messy is not good.
Mizz: nor is a caved in head.
Saba: nor is Piccolo’s hair.
Piccolo: (glares at Saba) but how do you prepose we get home?
Saba: we could try going in Kapok’s void. (looks to Kapok)
Kapok: err, actually, there’s a slight malfunction with my void right now. whenever I take strangers in there… they seem to… err… (blushes deep red)
Saba: what? They what???
Kapok: err…
Piccolo: Ahhhhh!!! (Piccolo has leaned too far back, and a levetating candle has set his hair on fire) AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHh!!!!!! My HAIR!!!! (puts the fire out with some of his ki. But it was too late for the hair. It was burnt away… Piccolo falls to his knees, sobbing) MY HAIR! MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR! (crades ashes in cupped hands.)
Saba: MUU HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAR
Piccolo: (looks up with tear-stained face)
Saba: urr… sor-ry… (kicks toe into floor. Tile cracks) …
Kapok: any way. Getting home…
Dumbledore: (now clean-shaven, though somewhat charred) not a problem. I banish the lot of you, may you never return! And You, with the souls! I demand you return them immediently! (points past Saba, Rass and Piccolo to where Kapok and Mizz were standing. S, R and P turn to look at them, but they are no longer there.)
Herminie: where’d they go?
Piccolo: heh heh, Bonny and Clyde. You’ll never catch them now.
Professor McGonnall: //sniff-look-down-nose-at-them// we’ll see.
Dumbledore: yes, we will. Rass, you are banished, and may never return. (Rass dissapears with a pop) Piccolo, for stealing knowledge from our library, and for breaking my talking magic mirror, I banish you too.
Piccolo: That mirror was faulty I tell you! Insult MY hair will you? I was WAY the fairest of them all! Grrr… (dissapears with a fizz)
Dumbledore: And Saba. I really should banish you too. After all, everyone know’s you’re the violent one, who usually starts all the fights… but you have this day done us all such a great service, that I’m willing to invite you back, whenever you want.
Saba: you mean destroying Vordemont?
Dumbledore: you did what? Naw, I’m talking about your killing Harry Potter. He was an annoying little twerp… (all other professors and students nod)
Saba: O_o
Dumbledore: for that, my humble thanks. And a large sum of fifty thousand gold pieces. (points to chest next to high table.) It’s all yours.
Saba: (goes to chest, opens it. It’s empty, except for a short note. Saba reads it aloud) ‘Yo Dumb-door.’ I think that means you. ‘Thanks for the feed, the souls, and the gold and the philosopher’s stone. Got to be going now, the bomb will soon be going off. Much appreciated, Kapok, Mizz, and the bestest theives in the Omniverse.’ They can’t spell very well, can they? Oh well. I should probably be going too. (Dumbledore has gone an odd shade of yellow)
Saba: (waves hands in his face) hello? Eh. Weirdo’s. (Teleport’s out.)
Two weeks later: The gang has re-met, and is lounging around in Rass and Piccolo’s flat.
Saba: So what happened to you guys when you disappeared?
Rass: I got home, and played a game of chess with this magic dragon, and all the pieces got up and ran around…
Piccolo: I went out looking for a wig stylist, but apparently they can’t make anything out of the ashes (looks up at urn on mantle above fireplace and sniffs)
Mizz: I went and sold the gold on the European Common Market.
Kapok: I got Data to classify all the souls we’d collected, then went for a looong drive. Had to check up on the Omniverse, and all that.
Rass: and then Puff tole me, yeah, he tole me ‘Rass? You’re my best friend. Youre the only one who understands me. It ain’t easy being a three million year old dragon, at the arse of childrens nursery rhymes, but you don’t care… Hic.
Kapok: what do you think those witches are doing now?
Piccolo: burying their dead. Trying to regain as much of their normal lives as possible.
Rass: putting Snape in a glass stand in the main hall… (Snickers)
Saba: hey, guys, do you ever feel bad about all that havoc you cause?
Kapok: oh, we didn’t cause it… not exactly… well, maybe a little…
Mizz: but the money was worth it.
Kapok: hn…
Piccolo: everything has its place in these worlds, Saba. Some people, their place is to be killed, others to kill, and others to stand around and watch. This is the cycle of life, and as soon as you learn your place in life, the better everything will be.
Rass: (looks at Piccolo suspiciously) You’ve been watching Babe again, haven’t you?
Piccolo: err…
Saba: Anyhoo. Kapok, you still haven’t told us why we couldn’t just go back in your void.
Kapok: and I wasn’t going to.
Rass: well now you have to.
Kapok: err.. it’s nothing. Just all the stuff I have lying around, valuable stuff, wouldn’t want you guys to nick off with it all.
Saba: Oh. Alright, then. I suppose I can understand that.
Kapok: (aside, to Mizz) Ye Gads, I am glad she bought that!
Piccolo: (supersensitive ears prick up) eh???
Rass: I’m not a gulliable as Saba. ( everyone Gaffaws) now out with the truth!
Kapok: err…
>>>To be continued! Read the rest of the Chronicals!
>>> That’s right, I honestly COULDN’T think of anything. So, next time I am trying to put off doing homework, I’ll write up a fic about what happens when they DO go in there. And it won’t be pretty…
