this is my first attmept at yaoi. if you want to flame me, go right ahead (i prolly wont get it anyway, since hotmails a piece of...ahem) same thing goes for applauses. ill prolly write a sequel (with waaaay more sex, hehe), i dunno. the morning after or somesuch. anyways, enjoy. PS. this story has more sap than a damn pine forest. tons o' angst, too. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The young man lay back against the rough but comforting tree, in the darkness of the night that he was a part of . He was spent, emotionally and physically. He couldn't shake the fear and panic that confronted him every time he turned around. He didn't know what was happening to him.
"Touma."
The young man glanced in the direction of the voice. "Hey."
The golden haired godling plopped down next to him in a most ungod-like way.
"Me and the guys are going out soon. Wanna come?" Seiji asked.
"Nah. I think I'll just sit here. Think about some things."
Seiji gave his best friend a look. "It'll be good for you to get out and be with friends, Touma."
"Look, Seiji, I really don't want to have this conversation with you now," Touma replied, sighing. Huh. Who am I kidding. Don't listen to me, Seiji. Don't leave me alone.
Seiji hesitated, looked like he was going to say more, but got up instead. "Well, the invitation stands. Come up to the house if you wanna join us."
Touma seriously considered doing just that. I guess I'd rather be with my demons than my friends. I don't blame Seiji for walking away. I would too.
* * * * * * * *
Seiji walked back to the house. He was worried about Touma, but didn't know what he could do. He knew depression when he saw it. Hell, he saw it enough during the war with Arago. Touma had be dropping further down the spiral of depression, and today was the worst Seiji had seen him. There was no life behind the midnight eyes.
That thought brought Seiji up cold. It echoed in his mind. No life...
Seiji pivoted on his heel and started back toward Touma at a good clip.
* * * * * * * *
Touma watched mournfully as Seiji walked away. Tears welled up in his eyes. What's happening to me? I love Seiji like a brother, I love them ALL like brothers, so why can't I be happy with that? Why do I need something more? Hmmph, I guess I'm like Father always said I was. Always wanting. Nothing was ever enough for Touma. Nothing COULD ever be enough for Touma. Touma always has to have. Touma doesn't care for the cost. Damn you. You and your pretty face and your freakish blue hair. Your mother was a slut, Touma. Did I ever mention that? I think she fucked the mailman. No one in MY family was a freak.
Touma had no clue where that line of thought came from. First he was thinking about the guys, then he was thinking about his jack-ass of a father. He knew he was depressed. It came and went, like the tides. It went away during the war, probably becasue he had something else to dwell on. Like staying alive.
He didn't have to stay alive, period.
Nothing, in his entire 18 years on this wretched earth, had ever gone right for him. Maybe it was time to end his suffering.
Maybe he should have done it a long time ago, saved himself the trouble.
Maybe he should do it now, before someone came looking for him. But how? He couldn't slit his wrists, there was nothing sharp enough. He stood up, scanning his surroundings. Vines. Bingo.
* * * * * * *
Seiji was in a flat out run. He was running for Touma's life. He saw movement against the trees.
"TOUMA!!"
* * * * * * *
Seiji's scream halted him.
Great good gods, what am I doing?
Seiji ran up to him, begging him to come down out of the tree.
No. Don't lose your resolve. No one cares.
"Damn you, Touma, get down, or so help me, I'll drag you down myself!"
He cares? Frozen-one cares? No.
"TOUMA!" Seiji screamed again.
Tighten the noose...
"T-O-U-M-A!!!" Seiji made a dash for the tree, scrambling up it's rough surface.
...Ohh, God. Seiji, tell the others I'm sorry. "I'm sorry, Seiji. The pain is too great," he said, and heaved a great shuddering sigh. He stepped forward into thin air. And dropped.
Touma's whole miserable life flashed before his eyes.
* * * * * * *
Seiji saw something Touma must have overlooked. The vine Tenku had wrapped around his neck was either going to be too long, or break with the strain of a falling body.
Seiji lept backwards out of the tree and landed at about the same time Touma did. He thought Touma was going to be knocked out, which would make his job of dragging him back to the house a lot easier. Unfortunately, luck was not with him. Not like it had been at all.
Touma let loose a heart-striking sob of anguish.
* * * * * * *
"Ohhh, God, why couldn't it have ended?" Touma roared. He didn't know whether to be angry or sad. He settled on angry.
"GodDAMN you, Seiji! Why? Why'd you try to stop me!?"
"You think I wanted to see my best friend plummet to his death? You think I would have had pleasant dreams about that?"
"You've never cared before!"
"Is that what you think? You tried to end your life because I don't care? You've got it wrong, buddy. I care so much it hurts." The last statement was whispered. Tears were streaming down his face.
Seiji? Crying? Over HIM, no less? He MUST be dead and dreaming.
Touma snorted with disgust. "You expect me to believe that? Are you that dense? Or are you just blind? You consider me your best friend?"
"Of course, Touma! I love you! There is nothing I won't do for you. Or any of the guys."
Touma's last shred of hope and dignity went up in proverbial flames. "That's it then, isn't it?" he said quietly, overcome by a strange calm.
"What?"
"I'm just another one of the guys to you. There's nothing special about me."
"Touma, of COURSE you're special," Seiji said, confused by Touma's sudden mood swing. "Who else has naturally blue hair? Who else carries Tenku? Heh, who else can make ME cry?"
"Prove it."
Seiji involuntarily recoiled. "Wh-w-what?"
Touma sighed. "Seiji, I'm through hiding things and running around in circles. I haven't the strength. I love you. I've loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you. I want to be with you. Always."
"I...I had no idea..."
"Of course you didn't. You don't pay attention to me any more than you pay attention to what sheets are on your bed. Just so's long as it there, you pay it no mind."
"That is a hell of a thing for you to say to me. How do you know what I do and do not notice or pay attention to? Huh? Do you read my mind?" Seiji was getting quite upset.
Touma leaned forward. "Does this bother you?"
Seiji leaned away, a little. "Touma, please."
"Please what?"
"What do you want to hear from me!?"
"Everything! Something! Nothing! I don't know!"
"Let me help you! I want things to be like they were. I don't want to fight. Especially not with you."
"To help me, you only have to do one thing. Love me."
"You...you really want to be...my lover?" Seiji was confused, but he had to admit, laying with Touma was an interesting prospect. He had always admired the archer's lithe form...the tight muscles...the way his hair fell in his face was cute...his ni--Whoa, better not go there. God, I'm actually considering sleeping with my best friend? one side of his conscience said And why not? the other replied He's beautiful. And it's not like you haven't fantasized about the guys at one point. Hell, I'm sure we've all done it. Touma seems to have...
That brought him back to the matter at hand.
"Touma, are you sure this is what you want?"
He nodded. "It's the only way I'll feel whole again. I need you, Seiji." Touma's hands came forward and tentatively touched Seiji's face. It shocked most of the shit out of Touma when Seiji leaned into the caress. It shocked the rest of the shit out of Touma when Seiji kissed him.
"Seiji, are you sure this is what you want?"
"Do you have to ask?" he replied, sliding his hands under Touma's shirt. GodDAMN, Touma was even more...touchable...than Seiji had ever dreamed about.
Touma slipped out of the restraining shirt. "It's a good thing it's warm out."
Seiji grinned into Touma's mouth. "Hmmmm, Touma, promise me something."
"Yeah?"
"I won't ask what your...attempt on your own life was all about, unless you want to tell me, but never EVER do that again."
"Thank you for that, Seiji. I promise. Now, enough about unpleasantness." He reached down and undid Seiji's pants, slowly sliding them down with one hand, while the other played with his hair. Pants gone, Seiji was free.
"No boxers? Where were you planning on going tonight, hmmmm?" Touma asked.
Seiji smiled, then let out a gasp as Touma grabbed him. "I feel..."
"Naked?" Touma said with a grin.
Seiji smiled back. It was good to see Touma smiling again. And it's because of me. "No, love. I feel...well...wonderful."
Touma stared at him. "Love?"
"Hmmm, yeeesss?"
"No, not you." Seiji looked a trifle hurt. "What you called me. Love."
"That's what you are. To me."
Touma let loose with a full blown smile, from ear to ear. "You're my love, too."
