Okay I’m hoping this won’t be too hard to follow. Anything in ITALICS, with and without quotation marks, refers to someone’s thoughts or thoughts spoken in their minds. Anything with this // symbol refers to an event that has already happened as in flashbacks or remembrances. This ~ symbol is used when Touma writes in his journal. This **** indicates a change whether it’s a scene, speaker or both.
because you’re a senseless fool.
No one cares,
because you’re a useless tool.
No one cares,
whether you laugh or cry.
No one cares,
whether you live or die.
No one cares,
that you’re all alone.
No one cares,
they’re as cold as stone.
NO ONE CARES!
Touma let out a sigh as he looked down at the notebook he used as a journal, then turned to glance across the room at the neatly made empty bed, which was a stark contrast to his. Seiji of course was out on one of his dates with some girl he had met in one of his classes. Opening the notebook once again, he continued to write.
~ Seiji,
Could you ever understand what I’m feeling? I’m not sure I understand. I know others will say it’s wrong, but in my heart it feels so right. You’re my best friend, Seiji, the one person I feel the most comfortable around. How on earth do I tell my best friend that I wish we could be more?
How do I tell you what’s in my heart without losing the friendship we built? How does a person who knows so little about showing affection, even begin?
I’m so confused Seiji and I’m not really sure why I’m feeling like this. I don’t know if I’m looking for the affection I never got as a kid, or I’m lonely... I just don’t know. What I do know is that you have become something very special to me. I thought at first that it was nothing more then hero-worshipping, but now I realize it’s more then that.
I truly admire the way you can close off your emotions, your feelings, and your heart... The way you can just shut out the world around you, the control you have over everything. Maybe if I were more like you I wouldn’t be going through this inner turmoil now.
Sometimes I wish I could know what you’re thinking during those times when you and I are hanging out together. I wonder what you think of me, as a person and as a friend.
I wonder if you have buried your emotions so deep that no one will really know the person you truly are, or if you did find that certain someone... Would you reveal that inner you?
Then there’s the big question... Could you ever see yourself having feelings for me that go deeper then friendship? I know that’s crazy to think about, especially since I’m a guy but that hasn’t stopped my heart from feeling this way about you.
I don’t know why gender has to play such a big role in love? Feelings aren’t gender specific, it’s people who point out the differences, but we could get past all that if we wanted to. We fought a whole Dynasty and won, this may seem tougher but if we really wanted we could do this as well.
Maybe someday I will find the courage to write this to you for real, but for now it will stay hidden here. Just as my feelings stay hidden in my heart.
Touma Hashiba ~
Touma closed the notebook, wiping the tears from his eyes; he got up to put his journal in his desk drawer. Walking across the room he opened the sliding door and stepped out onto the balcony. It was a cool October night; the wind whirled and danced around him. The nighttime sky was brimming with stars and Touma welcomed their presence.
He wasn’t sure just how it happened, or even why it was happening, though if he thought about it long enough he could find an answer. All he knew was that recently he began seeing Seiji, his best friend and roommate, in a new way. His feelings had gone beyond boundaries of friendship; they were much deeper now.
He found himself liking the swordsman as more then just a friend. It had stunned him at first, but now... it was more confusing then anything. Touma knew he shouldn’t be having these feelings; after all this was Seiji Date he was fantasizing about, not some college co-ed.
Leaning on the railing he thought back to the day when he had finally realized what was happening...
// He had been standing on this very same balcony while Seiji had been in the yard practicing with his sword. How many times in the past had he watched him as he executed each move with grace and confidence? It always amazed him how Seiji could reach such a level of concentration with so much distraction going on around him. All in All, it seemed like another typical day, no big deal. Or was it?
That day he had felt something more, something was different. He felt a tugging in his heart just from watching the way the sunlight played on Seiji’s hair. The way Seiji’s muscles rippled, the way he moved, the intensity on his face.
Seiji had removed his shirt and he could see the sweat glistening on his shoulders and down his back. It was truly a sight to behold and he felt the heat rise in his cheeks.
When Seiji finally noticed him watching he had smiled up at him, his eyes seem to sparkle with tiny rays of light. Smiling back at the warrior of light, he couldn’t help but think how beautiful his smile really was.
His thoughts had shocked him even more when he found himself thinking how sexy Seiji looked with his hair out of place and damp from sweating. That’s when it had finally hit him; he had a crush on the swordsman.
For several days after that he had found himself constantly daydreaming about Seiji, but the confusion he felt had him avoiding Seiji as much as possible. He had been embarrassed by his feelings for Seiji. //
Stepping back into the bedroom, stripping down and throwing on a pair of pajamas Touma flopped down onto his bed. As he looked at the ceiling a single tear slipped from his eye to fall silently onto his pillow.
These emotions were so weird to him. Showing affection towards anyone was not something that came about easily for him.
His mom and dad were not the affectionate types. Sure, maybe at one time or another there may have been passion in their lives, but they were just too different to be anything more then friends in the end.
By the time he was 12 he was living with a father he rarely saw and it seemed he saw even less of his mother. His parents gave him everything he needed to fill his mind, but they just weren’t able to give him what he needed to fill his heart. That was the very thing he craved-love.
“Could you ever feel the same way? Could I ever stand a chance with you? What would it be like to feel your arms around me? Feel the warmth that is so you Seiji. How soft are those lips I have dreamt of kissing?
Will I ever feel confident enough to tell you what I am really feeling? Maybe someday I will find that strength and a way to your heart. If not, then I’ll just be thankful for our friendship and be happy with what I have.”
Touma closed his eyes deciding that he had done enough thinking for one day. It was the swordsman’s face he saw as sleep washed over him to collect him in her arms. It was his daydreams of Seiji that helped to chase away the loneliness when it seemed as though no one cared.
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Treading quietly up the stairs and into the room he shared with Touma, Seiji listened to the sounds within the room. Sound asleep as usual. Good. Seiji crept silently over to Touma’s bed, staring down at the sleeping form he could feel his heart reaching out for the blue-haired archer.
Only when his roommate was sleeping did Seiji allow himself these special moments. Only during these times did he allow himself to indulge in emotions of the heart. It was when no one was looking that Seiji could relax and allow his feelings to come out.
These moments had become special to him, he didn’t have to conform to traditions, and he could allow himself this momentary lapse of self-control.
“How I wish I could tell you my friend. How I wish that I was lying there next to you and holding you in my arms. How I wish I could experience the sensation of nuzzling my face into that soft hair, to take in the scent that is so you, to experience the feeling of having a warm body lying beside me.
How I wish I could just let these walls down and fall in love the way Shin has with Lorelei or Ryo with Nasuti. I have followed my grandfather’s teachings for so long that I wonder if I could ever feel that much for one person. For you though, I’m willing to try.
Do you even know how special you are to me? I know you must see me as distant and unreachable, but I’m not. I just don’t know how to let go Touma. So many times I tried to be more open, to show that I can feel and do cry, but something always pulls me back.
Now I think you may be the only one who can bring that other side out, I just don’t know where to start or even if I should.”
Seiji thought back to when he first realized his feelings for his Touma had become something more and how it had taken him by complete surprise. He tried denying it, after all he was supposed to care like that for a woman, not another man. Try as he might, he knew no girl could ever come close to his heart the way Touma had.
Even tonight, he felt nothing when Jenny kissed him. All he did feel was uncomfortable, he wasn‘t use to such open displays of affection. Still he kept thinking about how he wished it were Touma’s lips on his.
For some unknown reason Touma was the only one he thought he could be comfortable enough with to let his walls down. He and Touma were alike in so many ways, they complimented each other and maybe that was why he felt the way he did.
It was just a few weeks ago that he realized what was happening. Even now he wasn’t sure if it was that single moment or if these feeling were always there waiting for him to open his eyes and heart to see and feel it.
// He had been in the yard practicing when he felt eyes watching his every move. Looking up to the balcony he had seen that it was Touma watching him. How many times had this scene played out before? It wasn’t anything unusual, he had caught Touma watching him before, and he rather liked it.
Yet that day it all seemed so new to him, he found himself feeling things he never had before, he could tell he was blushing as well. God how handsome he had looked as he stood there.
Obviously he had just stepped out of the shower because droplets of water were catching the sun making it look like hundreds of tiny stars were trapped in his hair. Touma cocked his head ever so slightly and he found it just so adorable.
He couldn’t help but smile and when Touma smiled back he thought for sure that his heart would jump out of his chest. That’s when it had hit him and it had shocked his very core, he was falling for his friend.
He found that revelation a little unnerving and had spent the rest of the day avoiding Touma; he needed time to figure out what was going on with his feelings. //
Gently Seiji brushed blue strands of hair from Touma’s face, almost laughing out loud as that one stubborn lock refused any other placement other then down and over Touma’s nose. “So cute.” He whispered.
Quietly turning away Seiji sighed softly. Touma had become such a major part of his life, they had been through so much and while their backgrounds were different, their personalities were similar. The chemistry between them was amazing. Their friendship developed immediately and over time they formed a bond that has held steadfast and true to this day.
Silently Seiji undressed and Slipped into a pair of sweatpants then crawled into his bed. He turned his head to watch his best friend sleep; imagining that he was right beside him, rather then across the room.
Even now he wasn’t sure just what he was going to do; this was so new to him. He just wasn’t use to feeling like this for anyone. Maybe it would make sense if the situation were slightly different, but the reality of it all was, he had feelings for another man.
The disciplined side of him wanted to push the feelings as far away as he could, yet there was this whole other side that wanted nothing more then to enjoy being free and open.
“ They say I’m cold, as stone, but they don’t know me like you do Touma. They don’t take the time. No one cares. Maybe that’s why I do feel this way about you. You don’t judge me, you just accept me as I am.
Someday Touma... maybe then I can tell you what is in my heart. Someday maybe you could feel the same about me. Someday maybe I can finally open up my heart and enjoy all that love has to offer.”
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~ October 6
Dear Journal,
I almost did it. I almost told him how I felt. He was talking to some girl on the phone, laughing and acting so sweet. God how I just wanted to tear that phone from his hands. I wanted so much to take him into my arms taste his sweet lips and feel the warmth of his body as I held it close to mine. I wanted to tell him how much he meant to me. I wanted to tell him how much I care. Most of all I wanted to tell him “I love you Seiji Date.”
That’s just it though, I could never do those things. I’m too scared that I’ll look like a fool. Even if Seiji would understand, Seiji would never go for such open displays of emotion. So I’ll just continue on suffering in silence, better then risking my friendship with Seiji.
I still don’t know why I’m feeling like this, nor can I explain why it’s Seiji I seem to feel this way for.
Touma Hashiba ~
Touma closed his notebook and sighed. The sun was streaming into the room, “So much like you Seiji, bright, warm and comforting.” He found himself saying.
He had come up here to just think while everyone else had headed outside. It was getting harder to hold back his feelings and emotions. The effort to do so was exhausting him.
It was bad enough he had taken one hell of a risk this morning because he had allowed his thoughts to go too far. He knew he had to be more careful.
“God if Seiji would have seen what I was doing.... I would have surely died of embarrassment. Not to mention, I probably wouldn’t be able to face him again. It was such a stupid thing to do!”
// He had awakened to the sound of the shower running. Each bedroom had its on bath so he had known who was in there. He had groaned and cursed himself. Why did I have to pick now to awaken? Hell it was still early; he rarely got up at this ungodly hour on a weekend.
What the heck, he hated getting up early for classes. Now he had to endure this, this torture of seeing Seiji fresh from a shower.
Lying there, he pictured Seiji and he in the shower together, new lovers enjoying each other’s bodies. Such torture! Just because I can’t show it doesn’t mean I can’t think it. He pictured himself running his hands over Seiji’s soaped up body, feeling every curve, every angle that was he. More torture!
That was when he had felt the desire burning in his groin. Desperately He had tried to think it away, but the more he did that, the more he pictured Seiji’s nude form. He soon found he could no longer control the urge and his hand had slid down his abdomen pushing his pajamas down so that he could capture his swollen heat in his hand. Slowly he had worked his sex, imagining how it would be to have Seiji’s hand on him.
He knew it had been a risk, Seiji could have come out of the bathroom at any time. How would he have explained the one-man show? The whole thing had only added to his excitement. His heartbeat increased as did his hand’s movements and sweat formed on his body as he felt the ache intensify. This is for you Seiji. His mind cried.
Quickly he had reached for the box of tissues, keeping his eyes shut tightly. He had laid several on his stomach and held a few in his hand as he felt his release make its way up the length of his sex to spew forth and put an end to his merciless ache.
He just laid there completely exhausted and lost in his thoughts when he had heard the bathroom door open. “Shit” Quickly he had rolled onto his stomach, yanking his pajamas up, then cursed in his mind as he had realized the tissues were now trapped, along with the mess, between himself and his bed.
He just closed his eyes, and pretended to be asleep. Praying that he had been quick enough. Praying that Seiji hadn’t seen anything.
He had heard Seiji moving around the room, trying to be quiet, so he opened his eyes slightly to see what his roommate had been up to. When he looked he thought for sure that he had died and gone to heaven. He found Seiji standing quite close to his bed as he toweled his hair dry; a dark green towel was wrapped around his lean waist. The slit opened right at his eye level, revealing a smooth, pale white thigh.
He had also noticed the slight bulge poking at the front of the towel, not quite awake, yet not totally asleep either. Quickly he had shut his eyes and hoped the torture would swiftly end.
It wasn’t until he had heard Seiji leave the room did he dare open his eyes again. On wobbly legs he had quickly cleaned up the mess then trudged off for a shower. //
Touma rolled over in his bed; he just couldn’t bring himself to enjoy the afternoon. It was sunny and warm and he could hear the others outside enjoying the beautiful fall weather, but for him it meant nothing. Reopening his journal he began writing again.
~ How long can I keep this secret? Seiji, could you ever care for me the way I do you? Will I ever know my heart’s desire? Or am I setting myself up for heartbreak? God it hurts. It hurts so much, but no one cares. Man what is wrong with me?
I feel so alone at times and even though I’m sort of use to it, I don’t like it all the time. Is what I’m feeling love, infatuation or just loneliness? None of it matters though; Seiji is too straight laced, so even if it is love, it will never be fulfilled.
What does that make me then? Gay? I mean I like girls, but not the in the same way I do Seiji. That’s the weird part, I can’t see myself with any other guy! I just can’t image that ever happening. Damn it’s too frigging complicated. I like Seiji, who’s a guy, but I don’t like GUYS, and if I can’t be with Seiji, it’ll be a woman I’ll spend my life with.
Okay Touma you are screwed up! What do I do? I find myself thinking about Seiji constantly. Others may view him as cold, but I know better, I see that softer side come out when he thinks no one is paying him attention. It’s nothing verbal, but rather it’s seen in his eyes and his face.
The color of his eyes fascinates me like nothing ever has. When he’s angry they go through varying shades of gray. When he’s just being his normal self they are more like a cross between a very light gray and a very light violet. Then his eyes will deepen in shades of violet when his emotions swing to happier things.
I wonder what they look like when he’s being passionate? I wonder what color they would be if he were in love? His face is the same way, going from stern to a wonderful softness. The changes are so subtle one would have a hard time seeing them, but I do, I see them so clearly. They are forever engraved in my mind and my heart...
Touma ~
Closing his journal and sticking it in his nightstand drawer he rolled onto his stomach and closed his eyes. Touma listened as the sounds from outside filtered into the room. He could hear Ryo and Nasuti’s laughter, Shu’s taunts, and Shin trying to keep the peace.
He couldn’t hear Seiji though he knew he was out there somewhere, he could feel the swordsman’s presence even if he was trying to meditate. A smile crossed his face as he slowly fell off to sleep.
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Seiji sat beneath the tree, trying to empty his mind so he could go deeper into meditation but was failing miserably. He was trying to get control of the emotions that were slowly bubbling to the surface.
He knew that once that happened he would be leaving himself open for God knows what. He was also worried that he would find himself acting on those emotions and that shook him a little.
“No I can’t, it’s not right. I shouldn’t be feeling these things. God why does something so right have to seem so wrong? Why must love have such restraints? Why is it wrong to show how you feel? It’s my heart that is feeling these things, not my eyes. My heart can’t see someone’s skin color and it can’t distinguish the sex of that person. So why must I hide these feeling? Why?
Why is it Touma and Touma alone that has caused these new feelings? I don’t consider myself gay, yet it is a guy that I care for. I seriously doubt I would feel this way about any other male, in fact I’m sure of it.
If Touma knew how he affects me he would probably hate me. This morning though was just too much. Never has anything like that happened to me before, I still can’t believe it did occur. I can’t believe I had such little control over my body. Dammit, what’s going on?”
// He had just stepped out of the shower, lost in thoughts that others would deem inappropriate. Thoughts of Touma in the shower with him, running his hands over his body as he did the same to the archer. He could almost taste Touma and imagined the taste would be unlike anything he had ever known before.
The mere thought had begun to turn him on but he had resisted the urge to satisfy himself, leery that Touma would take that moment to use the bathroom. It wasn’t uncommon for one of them to be showering while the other stepped in to pee or comb their hair and neither seemed to mind.
Both men had become quite comfortable around each other it was just another reason they had become the best of friends.
Quietly he had opened the door to the bathroom so as not to disturb his sleeping blue-haired roommate. What he saw that morning caused him to freeze in his place, afraid to make a sound and disturb the beautiful image before his very eyes.
There Touma was, on his back, the blankets and his pajamas pushed down to his knees with his legs slightly spread. His eyes were closed but his lips were parted as his tongue quenched them, the look on his face was one of pure bliss.
His eyes had followed the path of Touma’s arm that ended with a hand wrapped lovingly around his sex, pumping in time to some unheard rhythm. Too much! He had thought as his own member awakened pushing against the towel.
How he had wanted to just walk over to Touma and finish what the archer had started, but he had held his ground.
Though he knew he should have just gone back into the bathroom and waited, he found himself unable to move, nor could he force his gaze away from the delightful sight. He had watched as Touma’s rhythm increased, heard his shallow breaths, sensed his need for relief. His own body had begun reacting to the scene before him.
Then it had happened, stunning him completely, even though he hadn‘t touched himself. As he watched Touma’s climax, his own eyes had clouded over in a flash of white and then he had felt the wetness shoot into his towel.
Weakened, his knees barely able to hold him up he had quickly glanced over and saw Touma relaxed with eyes still closed, his own release was winding down.
Regaining his wits, he had swiftly stepped back into the bathroom before he could be seen. Discarding his towel and burying it deep in the hamper, he grabbed a new one. It had taken a few moments for him to clean himself up and compose himself before he could exit the bathroom.
When he had looked over at Touma, he had appeared to be asleep. God it’s just too much. He still had trouble dealing with what had just happened. He needed to get this sudden impulse of emotions under control. Meditating would surely help. He had thought. //
Now as Seiji sat beneath the tree he wondered how he could continue on the way he was. He was trying to deal with all of these new emotions, he just wasn’t sure just what to do with them. His family showed him that it was important to be dignified and strong, emotions were a sign of weakness, they gave your opponent an edge.
You didn’t wear your heart on your sleeve; it wasn’t proper. He had followed those teachings all his life but now he wasn’t so sure he could, or even if he wanted to.
“Touma, could you ever understand or accept my feelings for you? Who was in your thoughts this morning, turning you on like that? Could I ever do that to you? Make you feel that excited? Am I wasting my time? Do I act on my feelings or do I push them down into my soul so no one, not even you, sees them?
When you’re around I feel so alive, and when you’re not it’s loneliness that fills my being. I keep hoping that I’ll somehow know what I should do, but not even meditation brings me the answers. Am I looking too hard for the answers? Do I deny or accept what I’m feeling? I just don’t know.”
Sighing softly, Seiji allowed his eyes to close, his mind wandered to Touma, sensing sadness within the archer Seiji wondered if he was just as lonely.
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Later that evening Touma found himself sitting in his room reading while Seiji prepared for his date. He was watching Seiji out of the corner of his eye and feeling that familiar pain welling up in his heart. That pain had a name, jealousy, and he hated himself for feeling it.
If I could just tell him how I feel the hurt would stop. Then again, it could be made worse if he rejects me. Life sucks sometimes. I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
“So who is it tonight? [The little tramp better keep her hands to herself!] He asked trying to look cheerful though he didn‘t feel very happy. Why can’t it be me?
“Her name is Kelsey; she’s in my Chemistry class.” [If I’m lucky, maybe she’ll blow herself up.] Seiji smiled though he had to force it.
He really didn’t want to go out, but for now he had to put up this front. At least until he was sure about things. How he hated it. If he knew how Touma felt... If he knew whether or not his best friend could see him as more, he’d stop it all. I’d rather spend my nights with you Touma.
If you would tell me to not go out I would stay home. God Touma, all I want is you, but I’m not even sure you would want me. Life is too complicated at times. If I tell you how I feel you may hate me and that would kill me to lose our friendship. Yet I’m slowly dying inside already by having to hide these feelings. How ironic, the one time I want to show my feelings, and I can’t.
“Red head, tall, busty?” Touma described as a question. The bimbo!
“That’s the one.” Seiji chuckled at Touma’s description as he grabbed a white dress shirt with green stripes from his closet. Personally I prefer blue hair, tall and well hung.
“No way man, that’s all wrong for those slacks. Those black dress pants deserve something sexier.” Touma said, blushing slightly at his slip of the tongue. Getting up from his bed, Touma walked over to Seiji’s closet and scanned his shirts, smiling when he caught sight of the one he wanted. “Here! This will look better.” [Like the bimbo deserves to see you looking hot!]
Seiji’s face lit up as Touma handed him an emerald green silk shirt. “This is the one you got me for my birthday.” Seiji remarked as he slid out of the other shirt. I was saving it to wear for you someday, not to waste it on some airhead.
“Sure is.” Touma gulped hard. His eyes locked on Seiji’s bare chest. How he wished he could just run his fingers over the well-defined muscles, to feel them ripple as he caressed him with his hands and mouth. Stop it you baka, why set yourself up like this? He shut his eyes and took a deep breath. God Seiji you turn me on.
Seiji couldn’t help but notice the tinge of pink on Touma’s cheeks. Am I the cause for that blush? Is he embarrassed because he’s watching as I dress or does he like what he sees? Okay, Let’s see what this does? Seiji kept his eyes on Touma as he slowly and purposely took his time putting the other shirt on, smiling sweetly and just a little seductively. Talk about doing things backwards! I should be taking it off, not putting it on!
Sure, torture me some more, why don’t you? Jeez Seiji, do you even realize how gorgeous you are when you smile like that? If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear he was flirting with me! Okay Touma, time for the loony bin! Like that would actually happen, get real!
Touma quickly turned and headed back to his bed, and the book he couldn’t even read with Seiji in the room. He just hoped that Seiji didn’t notice the bulge that had formed in the front of his jeans. Damn! Okay boy, down! Go down boy!
“Touma, you know your birthday is in a few days, and I need some suggestions as to what you would like.” Seiji asked as he tucked in his shirttail. Great I’ve got a hard on! Now I know why they say ‘payback’s a bitch’ I tried get a reaction from Touma and I’m the one reacting! Thank god for loose fitting slacks!
Did he react? He almost seemed disgusted by my actions. God what was I thinking! Touma would never want me... Time to wake up Seiji. Quickly he buttoned and zippered his pants and then did his belt.
What would you say Seiji if I told you that I want you for my birthday? Touma chuckled at the image he got of Seiji standing before him naked as a jaybird with a bow attached to his manhood.
“I dunno the usual I guess.” Touma shrugged his shoulders. “Books, practice arrows, brainteaser puzzles. Maybe a music CD or two, Ray Lynch, Enya, Yanni, or something classical, take your pick.” You kissing me, your mouth on my manhood, my mouth on yours. No need to choose, we’ll do it all!
“Oh. Okay, I’ll see what I can do with that list.” Seiji replied softly. How about having me for your birthday? The perfect gift right? It just keeps coming! Seiji smiled suppressing the laugh trying to get out, then heard the honking of a car horn. “Oops, must be Kelsey. My car is in the garage, so she’s driving.” [Yeah she’ll be driving me up a wall!]
“Oh goody!” [The bitch can drive!] Touma’s voice had a sarcastic edge to it. Damn you Seiji! If you only knew how much it hurts, and believe me, it hurts like hell, watching you go out with someone else.
Touma’s sarcasm and pained look did not go unnoticed by Seiji. “Touma? Are you okay?” [At least you’re not going out with her! Sure wish I wasn‘t either now!] His heart ached, and Seiji wanted nothing more then to pull the archer into his arms to kiss away his sadness. He realized he was starting to slowly accept these new feelings, though he didn’t dare act on them.
“I’m fine.” He heard the car horn honk again. “Hey Prince Charming, your carriage awaits... Better not keep Cinderella waiting, She‘s turns into a pumpkin after midnight ya know.” [Yeah a rotten one at that.] Touma kept his eyes on his book, afraid that if he would meet Seiji’s stare his emotions would betray him.
“If I’m not mistaken, it’s the carriage that turns into a pumpkin.” [She turns into something worse!] Seiji picked up his pillow and tossed it at Touma, who didn’t even flinch. This bothered Seiji a great deal, rarely was he able to hit Touma, the archer was much too quick.
“Yeah, whatever.” [The bitch!] He had been staring at the same page the whole time, and now had no desire to go further. Go have your fun Seiji. It’s probably for the best; after all, I shouldn’t have these feelings for you. God why do things have to be this way?
Touma closed his book and put his face into his pillow, he could feel tears forming and that was the last thing he wanted Seiji to see. That would be too humiliating. Sure cry in front of him you baka; let him see what a weak pathetic soul you really are.
Seiji was about to see what was wrong with Touma when the car horn honked again, this time with more urgency. Fuck You Kelsey! Touma needs me right now! Sighing heavily he saw Touma’s hand go up to wave him off and he did just that, though he did so with a heavy heart.
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Touma awoke to the sound of a car pulling into the driveway below. He had fallen asleep out on the balcony something he had done many times in the past.
Some nights he and Seiji would sit out on the lounge chairs, talking and watching the night sky, talking and watching the night sky. If it were warm enough even Seiji would fall asleep out there with him.
Those nights were special to Touma for he was sharing a part of himself with his friend. It was on those nights that Seiji would let his guard down, laughing and joking, and yes at times just being plain old silly. Touma always felt honored to see those moments.
// After Seiji had left he had cried for quite some time. He felt so confused, everything he was feeling, and all these new emotions were so foreign to him. Part of him had wanted to throw caution to the wind and just tell Seiji everything and let what happens, happen. The other part of him was too afraid of losing Seiji’s respect and most of all his friendship.
Deciding he needed some fresh air he opted to go sit out on the balcony and watch as the stars came out. Tonight though their brilliance had seemed duller and knew why.
He sat down with his notebook and wrote out his feelings; it was a lot easier then expressing them. That was his way, if he couldn’t express it at least he could write it.
~ Seiji,
If only I could share these stars with you, then they would shine brighter. That’s what I want for my birthday Seiji. You, me and a sky filled with stars. To feel your lips capture mine in a breathtaking embrace. To feel your hands caress my body the way the wind does. To have you make love to me like only you could. I wish more then anything for you to complete me Seiji, make me whole, just as the stars above complete the sky to make our world whole.
Touma ~
The tears slid from his eyes as he silently cried himself to sleep once again. //
Standing up now Touma looked to see Seiji and his latest flame as they stood by the car. Touma’s heart nearly broke as he watched the two, their lips meeting in a sweet kiss. Up till now Touma had been spared having to see the one he cared so much about, in the arms of another, but not tonight. No tonight he was rewarded with a show as their bodies pressed together and soft moans were carried by the wind straight to his ears.
Never had he seen such an open display of affection from Seiji for anyone other then his family. Sure he knew the swordsman cared about his family and friends, but he wasn’t the type to be so sappy. Yet there he was, kissing that girl as though his life depended on it. His heart sank as he started to realize that Seiji must have been feeling something special for this girl to be acting the way he was.
“ That’s it. I now know that my feelings for Seiji can never become reality. He can never feel for me what I feel for him. Why did I allow myself to even think I had a chance? Why? This is what I get for even thinking such things! Dammit! I’m such a screw up!”
Touma couldn’t take anymore, reaching into his pocket for his orb he called for Tenku and it’s protective bubble. Giving the lovers one last glance through tear blurred eyes Touma took off into the night sky. He had to get away for awhile and think things through. “I’m all alone with this one and no one cares.”
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Seiji walked into the bedroom he shared with Touma, still trying to get the taste out of his mouth and off his lips from Kelsey’s kiss. God she’s aggressive, unlike Touma who is shy and, god, that look of innocence he gives off is so refreshing.
// Seiji had intended on just giving her a token kiss on the cheek as his way of saying goodnight, but she had other plans. Before he knew what was happening Kelsey had locked her arms around his neck and her lips on his.
He wanted to break the kiss, but wasn’t sure how without appearing too calloused so he allowed the kiss to play out. When Kelsey started to pull his shirt out of his slacks, he stopped it, and quickly.
“That’s far enough. I am a man of tradition and this is not how one acts. Maybe in the United States the guys are more open with their feelings but here we keep such things tightly guarded.” He had told her. Oh sure she looked hurt, but he really didn’t give a damn either. //
Seiji was a little stunned to see Touma’s bed empty but then he saw the door to the balcony opened he thought the obvious. Probably fell asleep while watching the stars. He smiled to himself.
“ Touma what I wouldn’t do to see the sky through your eyes. Through innocence that is warm and kind. To make love to you under those stars and then lie there till the sun came out and warmed us with its rays. Even our elements compliment each other; I’m the sunlight that gives way to your sky to dwell within its beauty.”
Seiji stepped out onto the balcony only to find it empty, which seemed odd to him. There was no one downstairs, which he was sure of, so he quickly raced to the bathroom. He knew Touma hadn’t been acting like himself here a late and even wondered if he was coming down with something.
Finding that empty as well, Seiji closed his eyes and tried to concentrate in hopes of feeling Touma’s essence. When Seiji finally connected, he realized that Touma was in Tenku, and then he was hit with a profound sadness emanating from Touma.
His heart just about cried out as he raced to the balcony again in hopes of seeing some sign of Touma. “No one cares.” He repeated. That was the only phrase projecting from Touma’s mind. “But Touma, someone does care. I care. Maybe I don’t show it, but it’s there deep within me. I just need time, time to accept what I’m feeling for you.”
Earlier while being ravished by Kelsey, Seiji thought he had seen a blue light shoot into the sky but he wasn’t certain. Now he knew, but what happened? Then Seiji caught sight of the notebook, he knew it was Touma’s journal and that he shouldn’t look at it, but he couldn’t help himself.
Scanning the page it was open to in hopes of discovering what could have sadden Touma so much, a look of shock played across the swordsman’s face. [That’s what I want for my birthday Seiji. You, me and a sky filled with stars. To feel your lips... To feel your hands.... To have you make love....] Seiji sat down in the lounge chair with a thud, feeling the oxygen drain from his brain. He couldn’t believe that Touma had so much inside him, so many emotions.
What shocked him the most was the fact that theses feeling were for him. He realized just how little he knew about his friend. Sure he knew about Touma‘s background, his family, things he liked to do, some of his dreams, but not the deeper things.
Touma wasn’t one to show his feelings outwardly and it may have been the reason they became such good friends. Emotions weren’t needed with them; they had a link that connected them... There never was a need to express anything.
“My god! All this time and I never knew. You do have feelings for me. You can care for me as much as I do you. I’ve been such a fool Touma. I wasted so much time, so much precious time all because of my pride. Well no more my Touma, no more. I may not know how to tell you but I will find a way to show you. You deserve that much from me! Why did you take off? What upset you so?”
Then it hit Seiji. Touma must have been out here when he and Kelsey were... He must have seen the two... “Oh my god what have I done!” Seiji felt the tears sting his eyes as he realized what had happened.
Now he understood what Touma meant by no one cares; he knew why Touma’s sadness was so great. “I’m going to make it up to you Touma. Your wishes will come true, I promise. Your heart is much more important then my pride, that is something I am very sure of.”
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Touma soared high above the clouds not really caring just where he went as long as it was far away from the scene he had just witnessed. Even though he was amongst the stars he couldn’t enjoy their beauty, his heart was numb and his mind was a whirlpool of confusion.
“Damn you Seiji! Damn feelings, damn heart, damn everything! All I want is to love and be loved. Why can’t that happen? Why is it that I always wind up alone? Just me, myself and I! I sometimes wish I were more open, less afraid of showing what I feel, less worried about the resulting consequences.
Is this my destiny? Too afraid to show what I’m feeling so that I wind up alone? Will my life be nothing more then facts and figures...? Doing all I can to satisfy my mind’s curiosity while my heart waits for its turn, which never seems to come? God that’s so unfair!”
Touma crumbled to his knees inside his bubble as Tenku took him farther up into the sky. His tears fell and splashed against the bubble’s surface to form a pool. Touma felt as though his heart had been torn from his chest.
“It’s all my fault. I have no one else to blame but myself. If I had just told him how I felt none of this would have happened. GOD who am I kidding? It’s obvious he likes girls, he most likely would have punched my lights out! Even if things were different I’d most likely screw it up. Now I have to see him every day, bearing this heartache alone. Damn no one cares!”
Touma curled up inside his protective world, the pain too much to bear. He heard a soft hum and realized it was Tenku who was trying to soothe him. “Thank you... My friend.” Exhausted, Touma allowed the sweet sound to lull him into a dream world where he and Seiji were happy together.
It was a world where you didn’t have to fear showing your feelings, a world where moms and dads showed love for each other and more importantly, for their kids.
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Seiji sat up in his bed for the longest time in hopes of seeing Touma when he returned. The later it got, the more worried he got.
“Where are you Touma? God, what if he doesn’t return? What do I do then? No that won’t happen, Touma will come back. He has to. I’m so sorry, I was just stupid for not being honest with myself and with you Touma. I just don’t know how. I was taught how to keep those things under control not how to show them, at least not to anyone but my family.
You baka Seiji! Touma grew up not hearing words of affection; he’s starving for it. Sure my family is steeped in tradition but we do express our love for one another once in awhile. How many times has Satsuki told me that she loves me? How many times have I said it back? Every time!
How many times has Touma told me what a great friend I am? How many times have I acknowledged it with words of gratitude or to return the kindness? I haven’t! I just smile and give him a quick thank you! God he was trying in his own way to open up and I was too blind to see it!”
Seiji allowed the tears to slip from his eyes, it was something he rarely did but now crying was all he wanted to do. Crying was another sign of weakness and now as he lay there the confusion he had felt earlier became stronger.
It was a struggle with his heart that wanted to open up and his mind that he spent years disciplining. The conflict between the two was driving him crazy and now as he laid on his bed the floodgates opened, he was too tired to control it. Curling his long frame into a ball he allowed himself to cry, to finally let the emotions flow.
Seiji felt the call of sleep tug at his red rimmed eyes and so he answered, falling into a dream filled slumber. In his dream, He and Touma were happy and content and in love. No one cared, for it was a world where those walls he had learned to put up were no longer necessary.
End of Chapter one... On to Chapter two.
So... Do ya like it thus far? It’s okay if you don’t. Anyway, drop me a line and let me know what ya think! Chapter Two is almost ready and I promise to have Chapter 4 to “Test of the Hearts” done soon!
