Please don’t sue me, I can’t afford it! I need what little money I have, to bid on Seiji &Touma DJ’s. I don’t own the Troopers (gosh darn it!) or anything affiliated with them. Warning: This story may contain any of the following... Yaoi/Adult Themes/Strong Language/Sexual Descriptions/Gorgeous Guys!

**** A really big thank you goes out to Djinn! You’re a great sounding board and an even greater friend. Thanks for all of your help, your encouragement, and the great ideas and for keeping me laughing! Those long nights spent on AIM have been a tremendous help. ****

>>>>> The words are to a song called “Just One Smile” by Sheena Easton. <<<<<

 ~*~*~*~*~

Chapter Six

Separate Lives

********************************************************************************

Can’t I cry, a little bit?

There’s nobody to notice it.

Can’t I cry if I want to?

No one cares?

*** “Moshi moshi, Date residence.” ***

( “Seiji? Please don’t hang up, give me a chance to speak...” ) Touma held his breath hoping that this time Seiji would actually talk to him. He had called many times over the past few weeks and it always wound up with Seiji hanging up on him as soon as he heard Touma’s voice.

*** “Touma...You have to stop calling here. My grandfather is starting to question these phone calls...If he knew they were from you... He would be furious, you know that.” *** Seiji sighed knowing full well Touma wouldn’t listen. This was the one reason he would always hang up on the archer as soon as he heard his voice. He hated doing it, but for his own sanity he had to.

( “Jeez Seiji you’re a big boy now. Your family is treating you like a child and now they’re telling you whom you can and cannot speak to on the phone... Why do you allow that?” ) As soon as he said it, he regretted it. He just couldn’t help the sarcasm lately. Shutting his eyes tightly he waited for the sound he knew so well...The sound of the phone being hung up rather harshly. When it didn’t come he let a whoosh of air, thankful that he didn’t blow it this time.

*** “Listen if you called just to make smart assed remarks, I may as well hang up.” *** Seiji was agitated and in the past he would do just that, hang-up. This time he remained on the phone and he knew all too well why... He missed Touma, he missed the archer’s voice but most of all he missed his touch, his kisses and the passion they shared during lovemaking. No baka! It’s over stop doing this to yourself! You can’t turn back time. Life will never be as it once was and that’s that.

( “I’m sorry Seiji, please don’t hang-up. Don’t hang up on me again... I can’t take that anymore. It tears my heart out every time. Don‘t you care at all? Do you hate me that much Seiji?” ) Touma’s voice cracked as he tried to hold back the tears that threatened to spill out.

Sighing softly he winced at Touma‘s words. How he wanted to just tell the archer that his heart was being torn out as well, but he didn‘t dare. *** “Of course I care Touma, don’t be foolish. You’re my best friend and I care about my friends. What did you want Touma?” *** Seiji pinched the bridge of his nose he was getting a headache and his heart sank at the sound of Touma’s voice, it sounded so much sadder then he had ever remembered.

( “I need to see you Seiji. Please?” ) He lost his battle with the tears and silently they slid down his cheeks. Was that all he was to Seiji now? A friend? No it couldn’t be, Seiji may be good at hiding emotions, but he couldn’t just wipe them out of his heart so easily and so quickly.

*** “Touma... I don’t think that’s such a good idea. In fact I know it’s not... It‘s not good for you and it certainly isn‘t good for me.” *** Seiji knew Touma was crying he could feel the tears even though he had severed their link. Don’t cry. Please don’t cry. I know you’re hurting. So am I Touma... So am I.

( “Please Seiji. I miss you... I miss talking to you. I can’t help it Seiji. I love you. I will always love you Seiji.” ) Touma tried to hide the fact that he was crying now, but he knew Seiji could tell and that angered him. He didn’t like showing his weaknesses especially now, and to Seiji of all people. Damn it I sound like such a weakling. I’m telling Seiji to grow up and I’m the one acting like a baby.

*** “God Touma why are you doing this? I know it’s been hard on you, it hasn’t been easy for me either but this is the way it must be now. Listen, I hear my grandfather coming up from the Dojo, (he lied) I have to hang up before he sees me.” *** Seiji felt his own eyes watering up, it was the reason he needed to end this conversation and soon. No I promised myself that the crying was over with. I can’t change the past. I can’t make it all better now.

( “Seiji, do me this one favor... please meet me in that park you like near the Dojo, tomorrow night at nine, okay? I’ll be at the spot where we would always hang out at, I’m sure you remember that place. I’ll drive up tomorrow afternoon. Please Seiji?” ) His heart was racing as fast as his tears fell.

*** “Touma you have got to stop this, you need to get over me and move on. I’m sorry but I have a responsibility to my family now... try to understand.” *** Tears began to fall down the swordsman’s cheeks, looking around quickly he saw that he was alone and so he didn’t even bother to wipe them away. So much for that promise...

( “I do understand Seiji; I just need to see you. Please let me see you one last time? I’ll be there at nine. Seiji... I’ll always love you no matter what.” ) Touma couldn’t take it and softly he placed the phone back on the receiver. He couldn’t bear to hear Seiji turn him down, not now. Just be there Seiji, please don‘t hurt me anymore.

Lying down on the bed, Touma reached for the picture sitting on the nightstand, it was one of his favorites. “God Seiji, we were so happy then, we had a new home and our love to get us through what ever came our way. You said that that was all you needed. You said your love for me was strong enough to withstand any test life threw our way... What happened? I miss you so much Seiji... My life is meaningless without you in it.”

Tears stung his eyes as he cried, once again he was alone and he wasn’t so sure he could live like this for much longer. Holding the photo to his heart he cried like he had done every night since Seiji had left.

*** “Touma? TOUMA! Oh god don’t do anything stupid! I’ll be there Touma... I promise, I‘ll be there.” *** Seiji hung up the phone and walked to his bedroom. Reaching into his pillowcase he pulled out the photo he had tucked inside, his fingers lightly traced the faces that smiled back at him.

The photo was of he and Touma that Nasuti took right after they had moved into their new home. They were so happy then, so very happy. I’m so sorry Touma... I wish it could be different, I really do. Tightly clutching the photo he fell down onto his bed and cried softly.

He knew he would always love Touma; forever would the archer retain a major part of his heart and his soul but he had made a promise to his family and he had to honor that now. Rolling onto his side, Seiji curled himself into a tight ball and wept, no one was home yet, no one would see his tears as they fell, no one would see the pain his broken heart inflicted on him. No one would know how much he regretted this decision... No one but he that is, he had to live with it now, he had to endure the pain and heartache... Alone.

********************************************************************************

Why can’t I pretend?

That you love me again?

“Come on man, please show up.... Don’t do this to me Seiji.” Touma paced up and down the path, checking his watch and noting that his appointed meeting time was over a half-hour ago. “Damn! Seiji is always prompt.” Giving a quick glance in all directions Touma plopped solemnly down on a bench, pulling his coat tighter around him and hoping Seiji would show up.

He had driven all the way to Sendai just for this visit, excited that after six weeks his former lover had finally caved in and agreed to meet with him. Life was nothing short of miserable for him since that day Seiji walked out of his life.

He could still hear Ryo and Nasuti telling him Seiji had left him. They tried their best to break it to him gently, but how do you comfortably pad news like that? It was too much for his system to take. He knew he had collapsed and spent the next 3 days in the hospital, though a lot of it was a blur. Seiji had been told about it but except for sending a Get Well Card... He never came to see him.

Sure the guys, Nasuti, Lorelei and Ming had rallied around him, helping him to get through it but it wasn’t working. His heart was broken and there was only one person, one man who could put it back together. Seiji no longer wanted him though; he had made that point clear enough to him.

He felt the first few tears swell in his eyes and cursed himself for it. “Shit I cry more now as an adult then I ever did as a child.... What has gotten into me? Seiji... That’s what. Seiji brought this sensitive side out of me and now he’s abandon me to deal with it on my own. Thanks a lot Seiji.”

Still it didn’t stop him from wishing, hoping and pining for the man he so adored. How he longed for Seiji’s gentle touch and soothing words, they always helped whenever he was sad. “Maybe if I concentrate real hard I can pretend he’s here helping me now... Soothing away the pain. Yeah right Touma, aren’t we the fool? Stubborn to the very end as usual.”

Bringing his knees up to his chest, he laid his head down and softly sobbed. Please don’t do this to me Seiji. Show me you care just a little, by showing up... I’ll be happy with that.

=======================================================================

“Shit! I’m over a half-hour late! Why did that class have to run so late!” Looking at his watch, Seiji rushed into the park, heading for the spot where he would find Touma. He shivered slightly in the cold night air. “Please still be there. I need to know that you‘re okay Touma. You scared the living daylights out of me last night. I just wish I could have driven down there to make sure you were okay, but my family came home before I could leave.

Touma? What would you do if you knew that I have driven down there, to what use to be OUR house, just to make sure that you were okay? I wish I could tell you this, but I can’t

I’ve been doing that at least once a week. I then wait until I know for sure that you are asleep to sneak in through the sliding doors to the bedroom. Many times I have found you curled into a ball, clutching an old sweatshirt of mine as you slept.

If I’m really quiet I can usually pull the blankets up over you and kiss your cheek goodnight. The six plus hour drive home usually gives me time to collect myself before facing my family again. You are not the only one having a hard time with this Touma, my heart shatters over and over again each and every night.

Even though he knew this was a mistake to be here, he couldn’t help himself. He missed his ex-lover very much and while he would never admit to it he was overjoyed to be seeing him again. “Six weeks Touma, that’s how long I have had to wait till I could talk to you face to face. I’m sorry but I had to get myself under control and get help for my problems before I could allow this meeting to happen. I just hope I‘m strong enough now.”

Looking up ahead he saw the lone figure on the bench, knees up and head down. “Oh god he’s crying, he must think I’m not coming. What have I reduced him to? Touma was always so strong and now... How could I do that to him? He’s had to deal with so much lately. Me being abducted and then hospitalized, my horrible mood swings, then I go and rape him and to put the icing on the cake, I leave him. Am I being that selfish? Of course I am it‘s all too obvious.”

At that very moment Seiji wanted nothing more then to run up to the archer, pull him into his arms and kiss away his tears. “No Seiji, bad move... Save that for your dreams now... That pillow you hold each and every night is as close as you can come now to that reality, your family has seen to that.”

=======================================================================

“I may as well forget it and just go home, he’s not coming. I was a fool to think he would.” Touma wiped his eyes and stood to leave. He jumped when he felt a hand touch his shoulder, spinning around his eyes met soft violet ones that were filled with a deep sadness and Touma could see it came from the heart.

“Don’t leave. I’m sorry I was late.” Seiji had reached him just as Touma was getting up. His heart went out to Touma when he had seen him wiping at the tears. “Don’t cry Touma. Please?” Without realizing what he was doing, fingers reached out to wipe the tears from his cheeks.

“S... Seiji!” Touma couldn’t help but smile, it felt so good to see him. Finally he was standing in front of the man who captivated his heart. Despite everything, Touma knew he still loved him and most likely, he always would. “Is everything okay? You’re usually on time, nothing is wrong with your family or the Dojo is there?” Worry creased his brow as he felt soft fingers on his cheeks. God how he had missed that.

“No everything is okay. I’m sorry for being late, the last class I was teaching ran late and until I cleaned up the gear and grabbed a shower it was already past nine. I’m sorry if I worried you.” Seiji looked into his eyes even though he knew he shouldn’t, they were just too tempting. Oh god how I want him!

“Oh that’s okay, I’m just glad you and your family are okay.” Touma swallowed hard, it wasn’t easy concentrating with Seiji this close and those eyes staring right into his soul; not to mention his fingers were still caressing his cheeks. “Want to sit down?” He asked finally; pointing to the bench. This isn’t going to be easy... He’s too desirable.

“Uhm how about we walk instead.” Seiji suggested finally seeing that his hands were still touching and sliding over Touma‘s face. He didn’t trust himself to sit that close to him, look what standing near him did? Besides walking would give him other distractions. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea to come here. Just looking at him has got my pulse racing and I can feel that slow burn starting. I’m in trouble, I just know it.

“Sure, whatever you want Seiji.” Touma didn’t care what they did, he was just happy to be there and to have Seiji there with him. Maybe... Just maybe we can rekindle a small spark. If nothing else I can pretend, that’s better then nothing at all I guess. After all he showed up didn’t he? That’s got to mean something.

“Touma you know you are going to have to try and move on. ( Well so much for that flicker of hope I was just wishing for.) I’m sorry and all but I have to honor my commitment to my family now.” Seiji began, his stomach twisting in knots at the words coming from his lips. He saw Touma’s smile fade and wished he hadn’t of said it. You can’t allow him to be happy just for a few minutes, can you? You truly are selfish!

“Why Seiji? Why can’t we go back to what we had?” Touma stopped to face him. God how he wanted to just pull him close and kiss the lips he had been missing. What’s stopping me? Maybe I can kiss him into rethinking this whole family duty thing?

“Touma, you know why... I can no longer love you in that way. I’m sorry, but this is how it must be now.” Seiji could feel the sorrow filling Touma’s heart but there wasn’t anything he could do. Coward!

“Is that what you want... or what your family wants? I know I said that if you ever decided to honor your duties I would give you up, and I meant that. I just don’t think it’s what you really want to do.” Touma looked him in the eyes, he could see the shock at his boldness registering on Seiji’s face and he gave the swordsman one of his patented smirks. Hit a nerve didn’t I Seiji?

“Touma it’s what I have to do, it’s what I want now. What else must I do to prove that to you?” Seiji stared out over the pond watching the moonlight dance off its surface.

“Look me in the eyes Seiji and tell me you don’t love me! Look me in the eyes and tell me that I no longer have a place in your heart. Look me in the eyes and tell me that you no longer miss me, miss what we had and us. If you can do that Seiji, then I’ll believe you and quietly walk off into the sunset, as they say.” Touma almost wished he hadn’t made that challenge, unsure about how he would take it if Seiji did do all that. I asked for it, now wait for the answer and live with it... Baka!

“Don’t Touma... Please don’t ask me to do that?” ( Ha he can’t do it! There’s still hope yet! ) Seiji closed his eyes. Damn him! He knows me too well... I could never tell you I no longer love you, I’m having enough trouble just keeping myself from acting on this uncontrollable urge to kiss you.

“Seiji if it’s about what happened, you have to know I forgive you. I forgave you as soon as it occurred. I begged for you to come back but you never heard me.” Touma blinked back the tears that wetted his eyes. “Maybe you never truly loved me in the first place; maybe I was just an easy lay for you. Sure let’s piss off mom, dad and grandpa by screwing the blue haired freak!” Ah hell the tears slipped past his guard and Touma quickly wiped them away.

“Touma, don’t say that... Don’t ever say that.” Seiji unconsciously reached out once again, to wipe away a tear that Touma’s hand missed. “I have a responsibility to the Dojo and to my family, you knew this day would come sooner or later.”

“I may have been able to accept it had it happened earlier in our relationship Seiji, but eight frigging years have passed. You have become so much a part of my life that I no longer know where I end and you begin. Doesn’t that account for something? WELL?” He choked back the sob and stared into violet eyes that were now misting over. He couldn’t help himself and leaned into the touch.

“Oh god Touma why do you have to make this so damn difficult... I shouldn’t have come here. I can’t keep this up. Please just get on with your life and let me get on with mine. Please Touma I beg of you...” Seiji didn’t bother to hide the tears that slipped down over his cheeks, he didn’t want to anymore.

“If that’s what you want Seiji, I’ll do it.” He couldn’t help himself as he reached out to swipe at the tears rolling down Seiji’s cheeks. “I’d do anything for you and you know that... I’d even die for you.” Touma said quickly before the flood gates opened and his tears flowed freely. He trembled slightly and watched as Seiji stepped closer. Touma’s thumbs kept up their light caresses. “Just give me something to cling to, something to get by with until I can stand on my own.”

“Touma listen to me right now... I don’t ever want to hear about you wanting to die! GOT THAT? I couldn’t live with myself if that happened. You have to be strong now... We both do. As for something to cling to... I don’t know what I can do or what I could possibly give you.” Seiji hung his head, too afraid to look into his face any longer.

“I do.” Touma closed the gap quickly before Seiji could react and pulled the swordsman into his arms and in one clean motion claimed his lips. Touma gently kissed him keeping his arms only lightly wrapped around Seiji’s waist, letting him know he was free to pull away at any time.

Seiji was completely caught off guard by Touma’s actions and at first was all set to push the archer away but the softness and warmth of the kiss felt too good to his hungry mouth. Without thinking Seiji found himself kissing Touma back with the same tenderness that Touma was showing him.

It was Touma who broke the kiss leaving Seiji breathless and without a voice. “I know I shouldn’t have done that, but I needed to Seiji, I needed to see for myself that despite everything you still cared. Now I know you do. Go home now, to your family and to your duties, forget about me and live the life your family expects from you.”

“Touma... I’m sorry... I truly am.” Seiji took a deep breath to steady himself.

“I know you are Seiji... I know.” Touma swept the hair out of Seiji’s face, tucking it behind his ear. “Now go before I find myself needing those lips of yours on mine again. Temptation is just too sweet.” Touma turned to walk away but Seiji grabbed his wrist.

“Touma? Give me something to cling to? A lasting memory of what our love was all about?” Seiji’s eyes seemed to change, the light violet became more vibrant and it just took Touma’s breath away.

“Like I said Seiji, I’d do anything for you.” Stepping back into the swordsman’s arms Touma slid his arms around Seiji’s neck as Seiji wrapped his around the archer’s waist. “A hundred years could go by Seiji and it wouldn’t change how I feel about you.” Touma whispered as their lips brushed before locking into a molten kiss.

Touma all to happily parted his lips slightly to invited Seiji in and was overjoyed when he felt the blonde’s tongue slip smoothly inside. He was slightly shocked when he felt Seiji closing all gaps between their bodies as they molded together; hungrily Seiji’s tongue explored the depth of his mouth and long skillful fingers slid slowly up and down the length of Touma’s back.

Touma didn’t want this moment to ever end, it had been too long and even though he knew in reality that it would all end soon, for now he was content to allow himself to pretend a little while longer.

Seiji’s head kept screaming to stop but his heart and body were unwilling to listen to his brain’s calling, too caught up in the heat of the moment. When Seiji felt his body responding to the kiss he pulled back and broke the kiss. Looking into Touma’s eyes he knew the signs all too well. “We have to stop this Touma-san, we can’t...” His voice was cut off as Touma devoured his mouth with his own once again.

Seiji felt his control slipping and soon he himself was kissing Touma with the same passion. Seiji reached lower to grasp Touma’s buttocks pulling him closer, afraid to let go, afraid to see the moment end. Seiji felt the old familiar spark as his and Touma’s arousals met through two layers of fabric.

Finally Touma broke off, brushing the hair from Seiji’s flushed face to plant small kisses over the exposed flesh. “I know we can’t go back.” A quick nibble on the ear produced a moan from Seiji’s throat. “ I know that Seiji, but god I want you so badly...” Touma’s lips trailed down to a smooth throat and on reflex Seiji threw his head back to allow Touma better access. “I want you in the worse possible way.” Touma’s breath heated his skin causing Seiji to shiver.

Boldly Touma pushed his hips against Seiji showing him how bad his desire had become. He knew Seiji was just as aroused, he could feel the swordsman‘s erection through his slacks. Slowly he rotated his hips in an erotic dance brushing arousal against arousal. “One last time Seiji... I know that sounds cheap, but I’d settle for that. We both want this, you can‘t deny it, I feel your desire just as you fell mine.” Touma listened as Seiji’s breathing became erratic and the swordsman started making the little noises that always signaled his growing need to be made love to.

Touma’s hands began to massage Seiji’s chest and he could sense Seiji was losing his battle to control his desire. “The last time we made love wasn’t even love, it was a rape Seiji and I don’t want that to be our last memory.” Touma reached down and stroked the bulge in the front of Seiji’s slacks, smiling when he heard Seiji gasp then moan into his blue hair.

“God Touma don’t do this please don’t do this.” Seiji knew that if he didn’t get away soon he would cross that line. Touma’s ministrations were driving him closer to the edge; it all felt too good. Touma’s warm lips heated up his cool skin and when his hand touched his erection he thought for sure he would come from it. “No, this isn’t right...” Seiji moaned. “Can’t let you...UHNNN...” Seiji ground his hips into Touma’s hand, he was losing the battle quickly. “God Touma stop!”

Calling upon every ounce of will power he could muster he managed to push Touma to arms length. “I’m sorry Touma... Please go home now and don’t come back.” He said breathlessly, his cheeks flushed from his desire. “I need time before we can resume a friendship so please just leave me alone.” Seiji turned and took off down the path; his tears were whipping off his cheeks to be taken and carried off by the wind. “I love you Touma, God how I love you.”

Touma stood frozen in place tears slipped from his midnight blue eyes to caress his cheeks. You baka! That was stupid! Damn why did I have to go and push him? I moved too damn fast! It was stupid, stupid, stupid!” Touma’s legs gave out and he fell to his knees. “I’m sorry Seiji, so sorry! Don’t leave me like this, don’t leave me...” It was several minutes before Touma had the strength to stand and head back to his car to begin the journey home.

********************************************************************************

All I had has been taken from me

Now I’m crying,

I’m crying,

And tears will be coming.

Once he was sure Touma wasn’t trying to follow him Seiji turned off the path and sat down under some trees, pulling his legs up to his chest he rested his head on them. “I wanted you too Touma, I truly did but I can’t... I can’t have you in that way any longer. It’s over... what we had is nothing more then memories now and it has to stay that way.” He started to cry again.

“My family and my grandfather have made it clear that I am expected to honor them and fulfill my duties to the Date name and I can’t let them down. This is what I have been trained to do, this is what I have been told I must do. My family has been preparing me for this since I was a child, and until I met you Touma I was more then willing to honor that.

You changed everything when you walked into my life. You literally turned my whole world upside down and inside out. You made me feel things I never thought I would. You made me see things I never thought I could. You showed me how beautiful love can really be and it’s something I will never forget.

Until I met you my life had order, it had organization, and it had a destiny to fulfill. I never thought I would fall in love with another man, it was something that was frowned upon in my family. It held no future, no place in amongst traditions where males took wives and the occasional female lover, all so they would have an heir to carry on the family name.

I tried my hardest to deny the feelings that slowly grew over time, but still they remained, to spread throughout every part of my being. You made me open my eyes to a world I had never dared viewing and in nice sort of way brought chaos to my life.

That first night we made love had me experiencing so many emotions... I was scared yet excited; I was confused yet my heart knew exactly what it wanted. The one thing I never was was disgusted. I never saw what we had as something sick; it was too beautiful for that. You gave me a strength I never knew existed, you showed me a love I never thought I would see and above all you gave me something I never expected from any one... You gave me your heart and soul.

You gave me the strength to tell my family about my decision to attend med school, you understood me when I needed time before telling my parents about us. When they at first refused to accept it, you were there to comfort me. Touma you gave so much of yourself to me and I gladly accepted all you had to offer, happy to have it and overjoyed that you were sharing it with me. I was proud to have you as my friend and even prouder to have you as my lover. You completed me.

Even during those times, you never gave up on me; always there to catch me when I fell. When I did something to hurt you, you always forgave me. When I needed time to think about where I wanted to go with our relationship you unselfishly stepped back to give me space yet you stayed just close enough to sooth away my pain.

Now my love, everything I had has been swept away, it’s been torn from my being. First my pride... my dignity... my honor by the hands of five men bent on destroying my very soul. Then I found my control had been snatched and you paid the price for my quest to gain it back. Now my own family has taken from me the very thing that made me whole... You Touma. My tears are all that remain... that and a pain far greater then anything I could have imagined.

I can’t begin to tell you how many tears I have cried since that day my family brought me home. I thought it was the right thing to do... to return here and to the Dojo, but after seeing you tonight... I’m no longer so sure. I almost gave in to my desires... I was so close to pulling both of us behind the darkened bushes and allowing my body to have what it so desperately wanted... You. Once again my responsibilities have taken away from me what I want most.

I know that I will never love anyone the way I loved you, my heart and soul will forever remain true to the love we once shared. Should the time come and a wife is chosen for me, I will do what is expected, and in time I may grow to care and love her, but I can’t see myself ever giving to her all that I gave to you. Fate brought us together Touma, and destiny has torn us apart...”

Seiji wasn’t sure just how long he sat there but it was long enough to allow the tears to fall and then subside. Slowly he stood and headed back to his home and the life he was now forced to live, a life that had no room for the one person who could fulfill him and make him whole. Walking into the apartment housed in the building along with the family Dojo he tried to quietly make his way to his room after noticing his family had returned.

“Seiji is that you?” The sound of his grandfather’s voice called out from the living room.

“Yes grandfather, I was just going to get ready for bed. I’ll see you in the morning.” He hoped that would satisfy him.

“Seiji please come in here, I wish to speak to you.” He said. Seiji sighed knowing he would easily spot the red rimmed eyes and question him about it. Slowly walking in he saw that he was alone and he saw his eyes narrow. “Come here now!” He commanded.

“How was the tournament?” Seiji asked trying to keep his head down and avoid his gaze.

“We can talk about that in the morning. I think there’s something else that’s more important to talk about right now.” Reaching into his pocket he pulled out a photo, Seiji cringed when he recognized it. “What is the meaning of this?” He held out the photo. “I found this lying on your bed. Now explain yourself!”

“I was just looking at an old photo album, I guess that slipped out.” He didn’t like lying to his grandfather, but he couldn’t tell him the real reason it was on his bed. How could he? If his grandfather knew he slept with it tucked inside his pillowcase, there would be hell to pay and Seiji would be the one paying.

“I thought it was made clear that you were to break off all ties to this man?” He responded.

“I have grandfather.” Another lie. Damn I’m batting a thousand here. What is happening to me? I never lie to my grandfather... Have I gotten that horrible?

“Then you won’t need this anymore.” Seiji watched in shock as his grandfather tore the photo into tiny pieces. “Now we will go to your room and anything that has to do with Hashiba will be destroyed... After that you will meet me in the Dojo, it’s obvious you need a workout, you have become weak and we can’t have that.”

“Grandfather that won’t be necessary a few pictures are all I have anymore... Please don’t do this?” Seiji stood obediently in front of him. God no don’t let this happen... Don’t take away my memories, you have taken so much all ready. Nothing has changed here, my grandfather still views me as a child, which I no longer am... Why is he doing this? I’m a grown man I shouldn’t be letting this happen.

“Are you defying me? Am I not your elder? What lessons have you been taught concerning your elders?” He stared at Seiji watching for signs he was breaking. “Answer me!”

“Yes Sir, you are my elder and I have been taught to obey my elders.” Seiji hated himself for sounding so weak.

“Very well then. Let’s go.” He made his way towards the bedrooms and Seiji followed. The next hour was spent going through everything in Seiji’s room and Seiji watched as his grandfather tore or broke anything that Seiji said was from or about Touma.

Seiji could feel the tears welling up and had to use all his strength to keep them hidden, instead he allowed his heart to cry silently. “Maybe now you can concentrate on your duties here. I will not tolerate seeing anything further from Hashiba, is that understood?”

“Hai.” Seiji bowed to him. Seiji was shocked at the anger slowly rising within himself, anger at what his grandfather was doing, anger at how his family treated him, anger at allowing his feeling to be seen so easily.

“Now get yourself ready and meet me in the Dojo... It’s going to be a long night Seiji-san, I hope that you’re ready.” He pushed past Seiji and left the room.

Seiji looked at the pile lying on the floor and fell to his knees, the tears he was trying so hard to control flowed freely down his cheeks. “Oh god look what he‘s done!” Seiji picked up the pieces of a figurine that Touma had given him of a Samurai Warrior in full battle gear. Seiji loved it and had cherished it immensely but now it was in pieces, shattered and broken. “Just like my heart.”

He cried for several minutes before cleaning up the mess and then slowly making his way to the Dojo. He would do what was asked of him, but he would also make sure his grandfather got no satisfaction at seeing him break.

********************************************************************************

Just one smile, the pain’s forgiven,

Just one kiss, the hurt’s all gone,

Just one smile to make my life worth living

A little dream to build my world upon.

Touma had begun the drive back home only after swinging by the Dojo, the lights were on and so he took the chance to look in and saw Seiji with his grandfather. It looked as though the elder Date was really putting Seiji through his paces and at such a late hour as well. Touma became worried. Could Seiji’s grandfather have found out about Seiji meeting him tonight? I’m really sorry Seiji. God I’m so sorry.

Part of Touma wanted to dash in there and make it stop, but he knew that would just make matters worse and so he got back into his car with tears in his eyes.

Touma drove about half way and had to pull over. He found himself remembering one too many memories and the tears that flowed from his eyes blurred his vision too much to see the road in front of him. Walking into a field Touma laid down and watched the stars as they danced above him. It was a cold clear night and while he was slightly chilled, he barely noticed the cold at all.

“What am I going to do? How can I possibly ever ease this ache within my chest? God Seiji you were the first person I ever felt this way for. You showed me just what love was, you showed me how wonderful a simple kiss could feel and you showed me that affection was something I could imagine having in my life. You made up for all those years of loneliness I had felt as I grew up.

I never planned on falling in love with you, what the hell I wasn’t even sure just what love really was. My parents never expressed it or showed it and it all seemed so foreign to me. Then I met you; this hot shot guy who dives off a building headfirst. I have to say you surely knew how to make an entrance. We went through so much during that time and I found my first real friends and my first best friend.

When you got caught by the dynasty I got so scared Seiji; it tore me to pieces seeing you in so much pain. I still recall the smile you gave me after my arrows awakened you, Shin and Shu. It was a smile that lit up that cavern we were in and I actually had the strangest urge to just grab you and kiss you. How weird is that? We were 14 and already I was developing feelings for you. I didn’t know it then of course; I put it down as just being relieved to see that you were alive.

The worst time was when you were kidnapped in New York City. When we found you and you looked into my eyes telling me how you knew I’d come, I wanted to cry. Still I didn’t pay too much attention to the feelings I was having for you. You were my best friend and that was that.

The days that followed were torture for me as I felt your pain from the drugs leaving your system. Then there was the mental pain you went through as you dealt with the knowledge that someone had controlled you and forced you to do things that you would never do. All through the incidents with Makura and Suzunagi I kept telling myself you were my friend and I cared for you because of that.

God how I admired you during those times, your bravery and courage were a true testament to the person you really are. I knew that deep down inside all those things that happened weighed heavily on your mind and heart yet you didn’t wane from your goals.

Watching you in the throes of nightmares tore at my heart and all I wanted to do was to take the pain away. I wanted to hold you till your trembling frame settled, I wanted to kiss away the tears that would sneak out to wet your cheeks, I especially wanted to soothe away the ache in your soul.

I guess if I had grown up in a household full of love I may have realized back then that what I felt for you was more then friendship. I would have realized that what I was feeling was love. I don’t know, maybe it’s a good thing it didn’t happen back then, I seriously doubt either one of us would have been able to handle it.

I think about that night of my birthday and how much work you put into making it so special for me. When I realized you had feelings for me and then heard you tell me that you were falling in love with me I thought I was going to burst from all the emotions I had inside my heart.

The first time we made love Seiji was the greatest night of my life. You were so gentle and loving, making sure that I felt good, making sure I was pleasured as much as you were. God the things you did to me that night... I had never known or experienced love so intense. What made it so perfect was that it was you there with me, holding me, loving me and allowing me to love you back.

Our love continued to grow and I was more then happy to be by your side and call you my friend and lover. Never could I have imagined needing the feel of a touch or a kiss as much as I needed yours. I can’t count all the times I would become aroused just from you brushing your fingertips over my arm or cheek, that’s how badly I desired you. Sure we had our problems, we were two very strong individuals, but our hearts always showed us the way and we always managed to find our way back.

Whenever I started doubting myself you were there to chase those doubts away, when I felt insecure you were there to guide me and whenever I felt I was losing myself, you were there to gently nudge me in the right direction. The greatest thing you gave to me was yourself, not the person everyone else saw, but a side of you that you seem to keep hidden. I wonder if you truly knew just how much that touched me.

My heart would overflow with love whenever you would laugh, especially when it was one of those side splitting full body laughs. Oh and those smiles, the special ones that you always seem to save for me, the ones where your whole face would just light up, how priceless a sight they truly were.

Sadly those things are nothing more then memories now. One horrific event tore your soul to shreds and took from me all that I held dear to my heart. I lost your love and then your family called you back to them taking your heart from me.

I lost you Seiji I lost all that we had built, I lost that smile, those touches, that laughter. I lost the voice that would sooth away my insecurities and the words that would push me that extra step forward.

You tell me to move on and start a new life, but how can I when you were so much apart of half the life I already have lived. Fourteen years Seiji, almost fifteen, that’s how long you have been in my life, 8 and a half of them as my lover. I don’t know if it is possible for me to love anyone else, at least not in the way I loved you.

Maybe someday I will take a wife and maybe have a family, but any love I do feel for that wife will be a shadow of what I felt with you. It’s funny how fate brought us together but tragedy and your true destiny tore us apart...”

Shivering in the night air Touma got up and made his way back to his car. Hitting the road once again to arrive back at a home that was empty and cold.

He wasn’t even sure why he kept the house, Seiji had already given him permission to put it up on the market after all it was he who had used money from a trust fund his parents had set up to put the down payment on the place. Seiji helped where he could but for a Doctor just starting out it wasn’t easy.

Touma wound up as the bigger breadwinner, what with his job for the observatory and his side work doing computer programs, he managed to pull in a pretty penny. He just couldn’t bring himself to sell the place, and maybe it was due to that small thread of hope he clung to... A small chance that maybe Seiji would find his way back to him and to the love they had shared for so long.

********************************************************************************

How I wish, I could say

All the things that I want to say.

If some way you could see

What’s in my heart?

“Seiji-san that will be all for today! You have done well today and for that you may finish up early.”

“Arigatou gozaimasu.” Seiji bowed to his grandfather then put away his practice sword.

“We will be having guests this evening so please look presentable.” Sensei Date instructed his grandson.

“Who Sir?” Seiji stood there with his hands at his sides as he looked at his grandfather.

“You will find out soon enough, now go and get cleaned up.”

“Hai.” Seiji bowed once more then left the Dojo for the living quarters, his mind a whirlwind as he wondered what his grandfather was up to. This had been the third day in a row that his grandfather had taken it easy on him and had even allowed him to finish practicing early. This shocked him since his grandfather hadn’t been very easy on him ever since that day he had found that photo.

“I get the feeling that whatever it is I’m not going to like it.” He said as he stepped into the shower. The heat of the water felt good as it washed over his tired muscles. Even with his grandfather going easy on him he still ached from the workout and the classes he taught. “I never felt this sore after a day at the hospital and when I did Touma was always there to massage away the ache.” He winced at the sound of his former lover’s name as it left his lips. Even now 2 months later and his heart still ached for the blue-haired archer. “Forget it Seiji, what’s done is done.”

Still he couldn’t help it. Many times he thought about calling the archer and just letting his heart speak, but he would quickly perish the thoughts. Now he would simply write them down in a journal that he kept well hidden from the rest of the household.

********************************************************************************

“Aww come on Touma it’ll be fun!” Shu was telling his friend, trying to get him to go to a party that Nasuti and Ryo would be having in 2 weeks.

“Shu I already told you I’m not in a partying mood. So just forget it.” Touma sighed and sat back in his chair. Bad enough Shu had drug him out of bed before noon to go to lunch, but now he was busting his hump about going to a party. A party that Seiji would be attending.

“It’s because Seiji is going to be there right?” Shu leaned into the table. “Maybe the party will be the kicker to get you two back together.”

“Yeah right! Not after the stupid shit I pulled that night I went up to Sendai!” He somehow got the feeling that the kiss he shared with his once upon a time lover that night was most likely his last.

“That’s just it man. Seiji knows you may be at this party yet he still told Ryo he’d be there. That tells me he may want to see you as well.” Shu was always the optimist and this drove Touma nuts. “Come on, if nothing else it’ll allow you two the chance to talk.”

“Maybe you’re right. I do love him you know. I’ve missed him so much and if I could just get him to see what I feel in my heart, maybe.... Oh who am I kidding!” Touma’s hands went up to cover his face. “It’s an illusion, he’s not mine anymore. Funny how someone who likes being in control so much is so submissive when it comes to his family.”

“Just come to the party. You owe it to Nasuti and to Ryo. Shin and Lorelei are going to be there ya know. Boy is she getting big! For someone that’s six almost seven months along she looks like she is over due by that much!” Shu gave Touma a grin that never failed to get a laugh out of the archer and true to form Touma began chuckling.

Okay...Okay you win. I’ll go but I’m only staying long enough to be polite.” Touma glared at Shu and then smiled. “Who knows maybe Seiji and I can at least reestablish our friendship? Right now I would settle for just that.”

“That’s the spirit.” Shu smiled. He and Ming had talked to Ryo and Nasuti earlier and then with Shin and Lorelei, all six were determined to bring sunlight back into the sky, and that could only be accomplished by getting the two in the same room.

********************************************************************************

I don’t ask for much,

A look, A smile, A touch.

Seiji tiredly sat down in the bench, rubbing his temples he cursed under his breath. “How can woman stand to do this so much!” He looked around at the hordes of people that filled the mall he was in. He had just spent the most of the day searching each store for a gift and now all he wanted to do was go home.

He rarely went shopping in fact his feet only stepped inside a mall on 2 occasions a year, to buy gifts for Christmas and New Years, and for birthdays. Usually he went to specialty shops not found in such a commercialized venue as this. He would buy gifts for birthdays all at once them have them as the day came up.

“Except for Touma.” He found himself saying. Seiji would always wait to get Touma a gift, using the time to think of something he knew would touch the archer. He frowned as he thought about the last gift he had given him, the book of poetry. “God I’m so sorry Touma, I really meant ever word I wrote... You were so happy that day. I truly though that you and I would be together for a lifetime.”

“Fancy meeting you here Blondie!” Seiji looked up to see Shu’s big grin sparkling down at him. Then his breath caught in his throat as Touma stepped forward.

“Shu, Touma... Konnichiwa.” Seiji felt himself tremble slightly as he recalled the last meeting he had had with Touma.

“So what brings you to the jungle? Stocking up on gifts for the year?” Touma asked hoping his excitement wouldn’t show in his voice. He did frown a little when he saw the tension in Seiji’s face.

“Yeah, you know me... What are you two up to?” He asked. He was having a hard time avoiding Touma’s gaze. Even now his eyes reduce you to putty. Will it ever stop?

“Oh I decided to drag Touma out for the day.” Shu spoke up. “The guy has been hiding away in that house for too long!” He added.

“Oh so you decided to keep the house. That’s nice.” Seiji’s eyes locked on Touma’s. Damn that look! If only you knew what it does to me Touma.

“Yes I did. I guess I couldn’t bring myself to selling it....” His voice trailed off and Touma watched as a slight smile came to the blonde’s lips. How I have missed that smile Seiji... So warm. I wish I could tell you how I much I have missed you.

“Well if you ever do, don’t worry about me... It’s your house now Touma-san.” Seiji felt the tug at his heart. He was happy to know Touma hadn’t sold the house they had searched together for. Their dream home, the one they had hoped to build a lifetime of memories in. We even had hoped to raise kids in that house. His last thought made him frown and he looked at the bags that sat near his feet.

“So uhm Seiji, are you going to Ryo and Nasuti’s big blowout?” Shu asked and caught the look Touma sent him as well as the mental thought.

>> “Don’t even think about it Shu or I won’t go!” <<

( “ Relax Touma, I won’t embarrass you.” )

“Oh I don’t know Shu; maybe I should just cancel the invitation.” Seiji looked to the ground. I don’t know if I can handle the memories from that house. He thought.

“Oh come on man! Everyone is going to be there. Plus you don’t want to hurt Nasuti’s feelings now do you? Shin and Lorelei are going as well, and according to Shin Lorelei is excited about it.” Shu was determined to change the swordsman’s mind. “She said she was really hoping to see you... She missed not hearing from you.”

Seiji winced at that. Thanks for the guilt trip Shu. Seiji knew he was intentionally avoiding Lorelei, and for good reason too. Lorelei was one of the few, besides Touma, who could see through his facade and he didn’t want her to see that he still had deep feelings for Touma.

“If it helps any, Shu has put me on the same guilt trip about Lors.” Touma smiled when he noticed the look on Seiji’s face. “It’ll be a blast! Bring a date if you want!” That got both men looking at Touma.

>> “Are you out of your fucking mind!” << Shu sent.

( “Maybe but it’s what Seiji wants... If this helps to ease the tension then so be it. I have to let go sometime.”) Touma sent; then looked to Seiji. “So will ya be there buddy?” Touma reached out to touch his arm on reflex. God just to touch you is enough for me right now.

“Well I guess I shouldn’t disappoint anyone, besides it would be rude of me to back out now, considering I already told them that I would be there.” Seiji felt the warmth of Touma’s touch and wished he had kept his coat on. Oh to have those hands on me again, God Touma your touch is magical.

“Thanks Seiji.” Touma smiled then realized he still had a hold of Seiji’s arm and quickly released it. He could have sworn he heard a disappointing moan from Seiji when he did so, but shrugged it off as wishful thinking.

“I really must be going. It was nice seeing you again Touma... You too Shu.” Seiji felt so empty all of a sudden.

“Yeah it sure was.” Touma looked at him with eyes that bore the pain of another parting. Sure wish you would stay a little longer. I have so missed those eyes, that smile and your sweet touches, but those are a memory now. I’ll just take what you gave today and be happy with that.

Seiji picked up his bags and after saying his goodbyes headed for the closest exit. He needed to get to the safety of his car and quickly. Damn you Touma, damn you heart! He said as a single tear slipped from his eye to cascade down his cheek.

********************************************************************************

Trying to forget,

Lord knows I’m trying,

But it’s hard to forget,

When your whole world,

You whole world is dying.

“What the hell am I doing? I should just stay home and forget about this party!” Touma cursed as he pulled into the driveway leading to what was now the Sanada residence. “No then I would have everyone on my ass for weeks. A pissed off Nasuti is not a pretty sight, and I sure as hell don’t want to see it! Poor Ryo would have to endure her wrath and I can‘t put even wildfire through that.”

As he got closer he saw that there were quite a few cars parked around the grounds and it shocked him. “A small get together huh? What did they do...Invite the whole city of Toyama?”

Pulling into a space he scanned the cars looking for ones he knew. “Well Shin and Lorelei are here.” He couldn’t help but laugh at the hand painted wheel cover on the back of Shin’s vehicle. It had several fish as well a whale and a dolphin on and a few lines from some Disney movie Shin loved. “What was that movie again? ‘Little Mermaid’ that’s it!” Touma smiled at the thought then noticed Shu’s van and he recognized a few cars belonging to instructors from the University.

The one car he didn’t see was Seiji’s and he let out a disappointing sigh. “Well it’s early yet, and he does have a six-hour drive from Sendai.” Touma walked up to the door and rang the bell. It was Ryo who greeted him as he flung his arms around the archer and hugged him.

“Glad you could make it Touma. Come on it, Shin, Lorelei, Shu and Ming are already here.” Ryo stepped aside and then took Touma’s coat to hang up in the hall closet.

“Oh this is for you.” Touma handed him a bottle of wine that he knew Ryo and Nasuti loved.

“Hey thanks man, you didn’t have to you know.” Ryo smiled. “Wow it’s amazing how good you have gotten at choosing wines. Must have been Seiji’s doing.” Ryo winced as he realized what he had just said. Touma noticed this and smiled.

“Yeah Seiji did bring a little sophistication into my life, didn’t he?” Touma put his hand on Ryo’s shoulder. “I’m cool about it all, don’t act like you have to walk around on eggshells for fear of hurting my feelings. Time to move on as they say.”

“God Touma I just wish there was more we could do... It’s so unfair.” Ryo frowned.

“Who said life is fair? We’re dealt a hand, we play it... sometimes we win... sometimes we lose. I lost, no biggie.” He was glad when Ryo finally broke into a smile.

“The others are in the living room. I’ll take this to the kitchen and let Nasuti know you are here.” Ryo’s whole face smiled as Touma walked into the living room. It felt so odd being here like this, without Seiji.

/// Memories seemed to flood his mind; so many were made in this place, some good, some not so good. He and Seiji’s first kiss, the first time they made love, the day they had finally told the others about their relationship. He frowned a little at that one.

Shu had had the hardest time accepting it, in fact he damn near broke Touma’s nose when he had punched him. “Faggot!” He had screamed before belting him. “You did this to him you blond headed bastard!” Shu got virtually nose to nose with Seiji who didn’t so much as flinch. No Seiji just stood his ground, violet eyes glaring and that smirk on his lips.

“Shu stop it! I’m sorry that this is such a shock to you, but I love Seiji and if you can’t accept him... Then I guess we don’t have as good of a friendship as I had suspected.” Touma yelled as Shin and Nasuti tried to stop the flow of blood from his nose. Ryo was trying to keep a fight from breaking out. “Please Shu!” Touma pleaded.

“Don’t worry I’m not about to touch him, I don’t want my hands tainted!” Shu said then ran out of the house. It took several weeks for Shu to start coming around. Later he had told Touma that he was sorry and that when he saw how happy Seiji made him, it had changed his whole attitude. ///

“Earth to Touma... Come in Touma.” Touma shook himself out of the daydream to see Shu standing in front of him. “You okay buddy?” He asked as he put his arm around the archer’s shoulders.

“Huh? Oh yeah I’m fine. Guess I must have zoned out for a minute there. Sorry about that.” Touma smiled and walked with Shu to where the others were.

“That’s okay. Hey Ryo talked to Seiji this morning and he is indeed going to be here. He had just finished up with a morning workout in the Dojo and was heading in for shower. Ryo said he sounded kind of sad... Maybe you can help cheer him up?” Shu grinned and was rewarded with an elbow to his side. “What was that for?” He looked at his buddy.

“You just won’t let it rest will you.” Touma said, trying to look angry while holding back a smile that was starting to curl on the outside of his lips.

“Nope! I refuse to give up! By the end of the night Seiji is going to see just how much he needs you in his life or my name isn’t Shu Lei Fan.” Shu laughed and watched as Touma now sported a full smile.

“You are impossible!” Touma laughed and walked over to Ming, greeting her with a kiss to the cheek he smiled. “How do you put up with him all the time?” Touma reached down to kiss Lorelei and shake Shin’s hand. He patted Lorelei’s belly lightly and smiled.

“I don’t. If he gets too bad I go visit mom and dad.” She winked and then squealed when Shu grabbed her, dipped her down and kissed her. “Shu there are people watching!” She blushed a bright red.

“So?” He grinned. “Hey Touma remember when Seiji did that to you at that one New Years Eve party? The one where those girls were all hitting on Seiji. That was hilarious man.” He turned to Ming to explain. “These four girls were clinging to Seiji almost all night. Poor Seiji, he was trying so hard to be polite but they were unrelenting.

Seiji finally had had enough of their groupie antics and with a growl strode over to Touma, grabbed him, dipped him down and kissed him so passionately that it had everyone swooning!” Shu was laughing really hard.

“All except those girls, that is.” Ryo laughed as he and Nasuti walked over to them. “The looks on their faces were priceless.”

“Ewwwww He’s gay! Ewwww!” Shu mocked placing his hands on his cheeks and dancing around in little circles. “He was so cute too! I think I’m going to faint!” His hand went up to his forehead and he fell back onto the sofa.

Everyone in the room burst into laughter including Touma. He remembered the incident well. It was the first time Seiji had ever kissed him in front of others and while it was meant to send a message to the girls, it had Touma’s knees feeling like jelly.

“Oh and how about the look on Touma’s face! God Touma you looked so stunned.” Shu said between fits of laughter.

“Stunned? I was in la la land. Then again Seiji could always do that to me! All I remember is thinking Shit he’s going to remember this tomorrow and kick himself for being so forward in public, then I’m going to have to deal with a moping blond all day.” Touma laughed, on the inside though his heart hurt. How can I forget you when there are so many memories you gave to me Seiji? I’m trying but it’s so hard especially when others recall them as well.

“You mean he was plastered?” It was Shin who looked at them shocked. “Our Seiji-san drunk? No frigging way!”

“Shin you watch your language!” Lorelei said then laughed when Shin gave her a sad sack look. “Oh what the hell! Go-ahead Touma enlighten us.” Shin looked at her and started to laugh.

“Well not totally but enough. We were finally all of legal drinking age. Seiji could have gone out drinking anytime but he later told me he never had the desire to do so. I guess those girls got to him and he started downing drinks, plus he had a lot on his mind then as well.” Touma told them. “He was set to leave for Sendai in a few days, remember? This was just after we hooked up so it had only been two months.”

“Awww he was going to miss you? Wasn’t he? Seiji does have a soft side.” Ryo cooed and Nasuti punched him in the arm. “Youch! That hurt.”

“Serves you right Lava boy! Be nice to Touma-san or us women will make you guys pay!” Nasuti looked around the room; all the guys knew just what she meant by her statement. “You guys are too much! Listen I have other guests I should mingle with. Touma a lot of people are here from the university, wanna join me?” Nasuti smiled. “There’s food in the kitchen as well.”

“Now you’re speaking my language.” Touma laughed and took Nasuti’s arm. “I shall return!” He waved to them over the top of his head and headed off with Nasuti.

“Hmm food is good.” Shu rubbed his hands together and began to stand.

“Oh no you don’t! You just ate a few minutes ago. You can wait awhile.” Ming said as she pulled him back onto the sofa.

********************************************************************************

Just one smile, the pain’s forgiven,

Just one kiss, the hurt’s all gone,

Just one smile to make my life worth living

A little dream to build my world upon.

Touma found himself along with Nasuti engrossed in a complex conversation with some university professors several of which he knew quite well. Nasuti turned to a figure that entered the kitchen.

“Oh Keely come here a minute.” Nasuti smiled. Touma turned to see a woman walk into the kitchen with short blonde hair. Her eyes were a pale blue/gray almost violet in nature and her smile seem to light up the room.

Holy shit a female Seiji! Touma thought to himself and had he not known better, would have thought it really was the swordsman in drag. Now that would be funny! Seiji in a dress. She was about his height and the hairstyles were very similar though hers wasn’t as full bodied. Touma felt his stomach twisting in knots and quickly downed his beer.

“Sorry I’m late but I got stuck with a flat tire. Luckily a nice gentleman and his wife helped me to change the tire. Poor guy. Looked like he was dressed to the nines too. I offered to pay for the dry cleaning but he just shrugged it off.” She smiled and then looked at Touma. “Wow love the hair!” She said. “Do tell me it’s natural?”

“Yup one hundred percent so. Kind of weird I know, but it’s hereditary so I’m stuck with it.” He couldn’t help but smile at her she seemed so easy going and well he couldn’t help but notice it, she was pretty. It’s just because she looks like Seiji so knock it off ding-a-ling.

“Oh but it’s not weird, it’s very attractive! I adore it!” She smiled again and this time her eyes met his and locked. Touma swallowed hard. God that’s the same look Seiji would give me. This is just too weird I need another beer!

“Keely this is Hashiba Touma. Touma, this is Keely Maxwell. Keely just moved here from the states.” Nasuti said. She couldn’t help but notice the look Touma was giving her friend. Then it dawned on her... Oh my god, what am I thinking! It was Ryo who had pointed out to her that Keely looked an awful lot like Seiji. Oh Nasuti you are such a baka at times!

“Konnichiwa Hashiba-san.” She extended her hand to him.

“Konnichiwa.” Touma bowed slightly then shook her hand.

“Keely is my new assistant and a blast to have around. I’m glad that someone came along to help you. You could have called here you know. Ryo would have come out to help you.” Nasuti said as she hugged her friend.

“Oh I was about to actually. I felt sorry for that guy though, his wife insisted they go find a place so he could change. He didn’t look to dirty though, just a few smudges here and there and one little one on his suit jacket.” She explained. The woman was a real nag too. “We’re going to be late dear. Let her call a tow truck dear. Now you’re dirty dear... This time I insist you wear the robes I bought you dear.” Honestly!” Her laugh was light and sweet. Touma found it very pleasing to say the least.

“Isn’t that the way wives are supposed to act?” Touma asked playfully. He cringed though when Nasuti shot daggers at him with her stare. “Uh no offense Nasuti.” He finished off his beer and grabbed another.

“No! Not at all! At least not the nice ones! I know I could never be like that.” She stood in front of him, hands on hips and stared him down. “Let me see your left hand!” She held out her hand.

“Nani?” Touma looked at her quite puzzled.

“Let me see your left hand.” She stated again. Touma lifted his left hand up and she took hold of it. “Just as I thought. Not married! You’ve been listening to too many myths my boy.” She studied his palm it was slightly callused but soft just the same. “You obviously use your hands quite a bit.” Her thumb rubbed a spot on his palm where a larger callous laid.

Touma shivered at her touch. He wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol or the fact that he was feeling a little lonely, whatever it was it felt good.

“Touma does a lot of archery. He use to compete in tournaments.” Nasuti spoke up when she noticed Touma’s nervousness.

“Cool! I haven’t done any archery since I was a teen. So how well did you do in the tournaments?” She asked.

“I did pretty well I guess. I haven’t competed in years.” Touma smiled. He was surprised that he was enjoying the conversation, and her company.

Before he knew what was happening he and Keely were lost in conversation. Touma still wasn’t sure if it was due to her resemblance to Seiji or simply the fact that she was interesting. The conversation jumped to astronomy and Touma’s eyes lit up over her knowledge of the skies.

Nasuti just smiled at the two, they were talking like long lost friends but she did feel a little uneasy. My god it’s like Touma and Seiji sitting there! Put a suit on Keely and you have Seiji without a doubt! All of a sudden she regretted introducing the two. Touma wants to forget and here I am throwing him together with a Seiji look-a-like. Good one Nasuti! Oh well, what‘s done is done, I just hope Touma‘s okay with this, he had to have noticed the resemblance.”

Just then she heard the doorbell. “Hey Keely, Touma, excuse me please. I need to go do some hostessing.” She flashed then a smile then darted out of the kitchen, leaving Touma and Keely to resume their talk.

After a few minutes Touma stood up and offered his arm. “Come on I want to introduce you to my friends.” He smiled.

“If you are referring to crazy man Ryo...Well we’ve met already.” She giggled slightly.

“Crazy man huh?” Touma looked at her arching his eyebrow. Keely thought it was the cutest thing she had ever seen.

When Touma walked into the living room all eyes turned to him and none of them looked happy. Touma felt like he was about to be led to his execution with the way they looked at him.

“What? You would think someone has died with the looks you’re giving me.” Touma then got the weirdest feeling that maybe he should have stayed in the kitchen.

Why can’t I pretend?

That you love me again?

“Hello Touma-san.” Touma stood in the doorway trembling slightly as Seiji stood up and began to walk towards him.

“S... Seiji glad to see that you made it.” Touma felt his heart fluttering. Seiji looked absolutely handsome dressed in a very traditional robe. The colors brought out the intensity of his eyes. It was then he noticed the woman who walked up to Seiji and took his arm. Great he took me up on it! He brought a date!

Keely recognized the man immediately and was about to say something when he turned and looked at her. She got the strangest feeling that it was best if she kept her mouth shut for now.

“Yes Touma I did. How have you been my friend?” Seiji was acting very formal and Touma assumed it was because of the girl clinging to his arm. Turning his head to look at the woman Seiji smiled then frowned slightly. “Suzume I would like you to meet my oldest and dearest friend, Hashiba Touma.”

Seiji then looked at Touma almost sadly in fact. No turning back now. Seiji thought to himself. “Touma... I would like to... Uh ...” Seiji found it hard to speak. Finally he straightened up and took a deep breath. “Touma? I would like to introduce you to Date Suzume... my wife.” He sighed as he watched Touma’s eyes grow bigger. Sorry Touma... God I hate myself for doing this.

“I’m pleased to finally meet you Hashiba-san. Seiji-san has spoken quite highly about you and his other friends.” She bowed slightly to him.

Touma felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. His chest began to tighten and he fought to breathe. Wife? Married! Oh gods no! NO NO NO NO NO! Touma quickly glanced down at Seiji’s left hand and sure enough there adorning his ring finger was a shiny new golden band.

“Touma are you okay? Touma?” Keely asked. The scene confused her but she knew it wasn’t good. “Touma please! You’re like scaring me here.”

Touma turned his head in her direction though his eyes couldn’t focus. “I need to get a drink.” He said quickly then left the room, just as fast.

“Suzume, I’ll be right back. I need to speak to Touma.” Seiji kissed the top of her head then dashed out to the kitchen. Touma was no where to be seen. “Excuse me but did you see where Touma went?” He asked a few people mingling around out there. They pointed to the back door and Seiji was out it in a flash.

Seiji tried to get his eyes to focus in the darkness, scanning the area for any signs of the archer. He knew he could be pretty far by now since Touma was always quite fast. Movement down near the docks caught his eye and he quickly headed for it.

Touma sensed Seiji’s approach and while apart of him wanted to just run, he knew that eventually he would have to face him and so he stayed put. Seiji was in his bare feet and Touma listened to the footsteps, counting them. He knew exactly how many it would take for Seiji to cover the distance. Three, four, five, six...Damn why couldn’t this be a longer dock!

“Touma? Touma please look at me?” Seiji’s heart was beating madly. He could sense the anger emanating from the archer.

“Fuck you Seiji!” Touma said as he kept his back to him. “Uh check that... You’re a married man... I couldn’t even if I wanted to, not that I would want to now. Go back to your wife and leave me the hell alone!”

“Touma I’m sorry... I should have told you sooner. I just didn’t know how.” Seiji walked up beside him and placed his hand on Touma’s shoulder.

“Get your fucking hands off of me! You’re a complete bastard Seiji! You‘re not sorry... Not in the slightest!” Touma turned to stare him in the eyes. “How long Seiji? Were you already married that night you met me in the park?” Touma held his hands by his sides his fists balled so tightly that his nails dug into his palms.

Seiji shook his head no. “We got married a little over a week ago. Grandfather introduced her to me about three weeks ago. How do you think I felt? I didn’t expect my family would choose a wife for me so soon. I had to honor their decision... It’s my duty as the Date heir.” Seiji could feel his heart slowly dying.

He thought he could get out of the proposed marriage but his family had covered all bases quite well including not mentioning anything about his past... Especially about Touma and the relationship they once shared.

“Oh shove your duties up your ass Seiji! I’m so sick and tired of it. I was your best friend you asshole and at one time your lover... Yet you didn’t have the balls to tell me you were getting married! You could have called! To chicken for that? What about a letter then? A Postcard? A Small note written on a piece of toilet paper. Anything!” Touma was building steam and Seiji knew it was best to just allow him to finish.

“You spineless wimp! You couldn’t tell me could you? Oh what the fuck you didn’t even have the fucking balls to tell me we were through... You left that to Ryo and Nasuti! You‘re chicken shit Seiji!” Touma stood there just staring at Seiji. “ Am I the only one who didn’t know? WELL? God I’m so pissed right now I could slug you!”

Touma could feel his anger rising up and took a few deep breaths. He also felt the tears readying themselves for a water show and he was determined not to give Seiji the satisfaction of seeing him break.

“No one knew until tonight. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you... I really am. After Suzume and I were introduced we were whisked away to a retreat so we could get to know each other and before I knew it we were married.” This was one thing Seiji hated more then anything... God Touma was right, he was spineless.... He hurt the one person he loved more then anything in this world, yet again.

“Hold it a fucking moment! Shu and I saw you at the mall about two weeks ago... Why didn’t you say anything then? Too much of a coward Seiji? Oh let me guess you didn’t want to shatter me, right?” Touma got into his face. “News flash Date-san I’m not porcelain I won’t break! What the hell if I was breakable don’t you think raping me would have done that? Considering you left me after that... Left me to deal with a rape on my fucking own while you had your family to help you through it all. No Seiji what it comes down to is you have no backbone! You worthless piece of shit!”

Seiji was stunned, while he had seen Touma angry before he had never seen it this badly. He winced at the remark about the rape knowing full well how Touma had handled it... A lot better then he did that was for sure. At least that was the impression he had gotten.

Touma was right though, he did have his family helping him, but as far as he knew the guys were told about what happened to Touma and no one else. At Touma’s request they were asked to put it behind them and forget about it. “I couldn’t Touma... I was there to buy a gift for Suzume. You seemed happy and I didn’t want to spoil that.” Seiji hung his head too ashamed to look at Touma.

“Oh god how noble of you! Mr. Prim and Proper strikes again!” Touma screamed at him. “Do me a favor Seiji... Don’t ever talk to me again... As far as I’m concerned you never existed!”

Touma started to walk away from him, he had to.... He no longer had the strength to hold back the tears that were now staining his cheeks. “I hate you Seiji Date! You’re a gutless, bastard! God I hate you!”

“No Touma, don’t say that.... Say anything but that, please.” Seiji choked back the tears as he reached out to grab Touma’s arm. “I will always love you Touma... That’ll never change.”

“I SAID GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF OF ME!” Touma’s anger went over the edge and so did Seiji. Touma swung around and connected with Seiji‘s jaw sending the swordsman backwards and into the lake.

Touma stood on the edge of the dock looking into the cold waters as Seiji surfaced; his robe floated around him making him look like a human lily pad. Seeing he wasn’t knocked out Touma was satisfied. “Next time listen. Oh and Seiji... You wouldn’t know love even if it slapped you in the face. You’re the biggest son-of-bitch I have ever known!”

Touma started to walk away then shouted over his shoulder. “What totally sucks Seiji is the frigging fact that I will always keep you in my heart! No matter how hard I try I won‘t be able to forget you. In my own sick way I will always love you.”

Trying to forget,

Lord knows I’m trying,

But it’s hard to forget,

When your whole world,

Your whole world is dying

Touma took his time heading back to the house, he needed time to stop the tears and calm the shaking his whole body was feeling. His mind felt so numb. Never again would Seiji be his...

That revelation was just too much for him to bear. He felt like his whole world was crumbling around him, piece by piece broke off to float away with the wind. What was left was a shell, a cold lifeless shell.

Finally he was able to walk into the house the only ones there were Shin, Lorelei, Shu, Ming, Nasuti and Ryo... Oh and Suzume Date. God how that name felt so bitter on his tongue.

Hmmm Keely is still here as well. Oh well no time like the present to begin forgetting. He grabbed a beer from the ice bucket sitting on a table in the living room and quickly downed it. Setting the empty aside he grabbed another.

“Touma are you okay man? We were just about to come looking for you.” Shu ran over to him. “Touma talk to me... What happened?”

“Nothing... Nothing at all.” Touma walked over to Keely. “Hey Keely looks like this party is over with here, I know this great club in town. Want to go?” Touma smiled. The others just looked at him stunned into silence.

“Ah Touma... Where’s Seiji?” Shin asked.

“Down by the lake.” Touma answered not taking his eyes off of Keely. God you look so much like him. He smiled at her then traced her jaw line with his fingers; the beers were hitting him hard.

“Is he okay Hashiba-san?” Suzume asked.

“Oh don’t worry your hubby is just fine.” Touma smirked and managed to down his beer in record time. Getting drunk will certainly numb the pain in my heart and Keely would be a nice compliment to my night even if she does remind me of Seiji. “So how about it Keely? I want to celebrate.” He smiled and leaned his face into her hair.

“Okay. Sure I’d love to go.” She was going to turn him down but she could sense a deep sadness in him and with the way he was downing those beers she thought it best that he have someone to take him home. “So what are we celebrating anyway?” She asked as he helped her with her coat.

“My freedom.” The others could hear him say as he started out the door. They jumped when Touma popped his head back into the room. “Oh someone may want to go get Seiji. And... Take a towel with you.... He’s going to need it. Seems Seiji decided to go for a late night swim!” They listened to him laugh as he went out the door.

“Oh shit!” Ryo and Shin said at the same time. “Nasuti get some dry clothes or a robe and I’ll grab towels from the laundry room. They raced around while Suzume continued to sit there confused by the whole thing.

What happened between them? Why did her husband seem so upset when he introduced her to his friends, especially Touma? Suzume knew that she needed answers and was going to get them, one way or another.

********************************************************************************

Just one smile, the pain’s forgiven,

Just one kiss, the hurt’s all gone,

Just one smile to make my life worth living,

A little dream to build my world upon.

Touma stirred his head throbbed violently and his stomach felt slightly queasy. He could feel sunlight hitting his face and tried to will it away. When that didn’t work he pulled the covers up over his head.

The sound of movement in the room caused him to slowly lower the blanket and open his eyes. Peeking ever so cautiously, he looked in the direction the noise came from. Touma saw a tall blond-silhouetted figure standing by the window wearing nothing but the dress shirt Touma had worn the night before. Touma’s heart started pounding in time with the throbbing in his head. He couldn’t remember much of anything past his arrival at the club.

“Seiji?” He said softly as he sat up slowly and tried to clear his vision. The figure slowly turned to face him. Touma’s eyes widened and he felt the blood rushing to his head. Oh my God... What have I done? Touma flopped back down and shut his eyes tightly, then pulled the blankets back over his head. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. I’m dreaming, that’s all. I’ll wake up and everything will be back to the way it was.

The figure stared at Touma and smiled as Touma quickly ducked back under the blankets. “How cute!” Then turned back to the window to take in the morning sunshine.

********************************************************************************

~ Looking for a Chapter 7? You know what to do, just ask me nicely and I may consider it!

~ Okay I know it wasn’t the greatest of endings but I hope you enjoyed it none the less. I needed a stopping point and this was as good as any. Please feel free to email me with comments or suggestions.

~ The name Suzume is Japanese for sparrow. Keely is a name that I picked out of the air and if happens to be your name, I’m sorry so please don’t sue me.