That Song

Heero stared at the creamy-white envelope, indecision clear on his normally impassive face. The radio played softly in the background while he debated his next step. His breath hitched, and he closed his eyes when the first strains of ~that~ song began to play. Dropping the card to the coffee table, he walked briskly to the stereo and slapped the off switch. Flexing his fists he stepped back and paused in the center of the living room before moving resolutely towards his laptop, which sat at one end of his kitchen table. Sitting before it he opened his email account and hit compose.

>Dear Duo<

He stared at the screen, hands resting lightly on the keys as he tried to decide what to write. He thought back to what Odin had told him years ago and began to type.

>As a child I was told to live in the present, to do what my heart told me so that I wouldn't regret it later. I wish I'd followed that advice with you.<

Those lyrics plagued him, as he tried to write. Shutting off the music only removed the external source of the song - it couldn't remove the words that had been etched on his heart long ago.

>I know you must be thinking "how typical, he's pouring his heart out in an email" but, I can't seem to get up the nerve to confess this to your face, so bear with me. Do you remember that song? The one that was playing at that first school where you yanked me out on the dance floor? You probably don't remember it. The only reason I'm mentioning it is because it's the song I think of whenever I think of my feelings for you. I can't get it out of my head while I'm writing this, I'm even humming it. It starts like this:

//I don't know what I was thinking 'Til I was thinking of you//

>I know, it's only one line really, but it's true. Before I met you there was only the mission. Actually, most of what happened to me before that day that you shot me then rescued me is something of a blur - as if it happened to someone else.

//I don't remember a thing before I opened my eyes And you came into view//

>That's the next line in the song. When you came into view. . . the first thing I noticed if you can believe it was your hands. You'd probably think it was your hair, or your eyes, but it was your hands. The way they held the gun, the way they moved when you talked. Those hands hit an emotional switch in me, though the original emotion it triggered was irritation. You probably noticed that though. The irritation part I mean.

//I don't know what I was doing When there was nothing to do//

>Hn. Looks like I'm going to be going through this song whether I want to or not. I do know what I was doing then though, well I do now anyway. I was watching you. Did you know how much I watched you? All of those schools we infiltrated together, those times we shared a room. I watched your hands, your eyes, they way you clutched your braid when you slept, the way you flirted with everyone. It used to confuse me because whenever there was no mission, no task for me to complete, I found myself watching you however I could. It confused me, and my reaction to that was to get angry or insulting. You probably noticed that part as well.

//Must've been waiting for someone, baby Now I can see - I was waiting for you//

>That line is definitely true. "~Now~ I can see". It took me a long time to realize this - that it was you that I wanted to have, to be with. I don't mean now, as in while I type, but during the war. I remember the exact time actually, when I first realized that ~you~ were the one I wanted. It was that time you were held prisoner and I was sent to kill you. I saw you there, daring me to kill you in a mix of resignation and bluff, and I couldn't do it. For the first time in my life, I couldn't complete a mission.<

Heero closed his eyes after he wrote that. He could still remember the confusion of that mission. The internal conflict as he was ordered to kill his friend. Taking a deep breath he looked at the screen again.

>Now if I followed the song, I'd be going into the chorus right now, but I don't know if I can put that down yet. This is hard, even to type, so I'll just skip to the next verse instead. I figure that since this song won't leave my mind I might as well use it to make writing this easier.

//Driving myself to distraction Until you got in my way I was just whistling Dixie 'til you struck up the band And they started to play//

>That's you all over. I was so focused on the mission, on trying to ignore or deal with my feelings for you that I tended to take unnecessary risks, to obsess about the war. You always managed to snap me out of it, if only for an hour. Practical jokes, dragging me off to a movie or a club, you always managed to distract me, to give me a break. Even when you couldn't get me away from my laptop, you helped to keep me from obsessing on the mission too much. That in itself was one of the things will always stay with me I think. I miss that actually. I still have a tendency to focus a bit too much on work, but the memories tend help - they remind me.

//I don't know how I was living Until you came in my life I always knew there was something wrong Then you came along Baby, you made it right//

>I ~don't~ know how I was living because I don't think I really was. I existed, but that was all. The more time you spent on me, the more you loosened me up and relaxed me into someone that better resembled a human, though I struggled to hide it from anyone most of the time. That "Death Glare" made a useful mask.

//I was alone in the silence 'Til I was hearing your voice I couldn't see my way clear until you parted the clouds And you gave me a choice//

>Actually, this is still true in some way, except that now I'm not really alone anymore, and the silence is more comfortable when you're around. Not that there's much silence when you're around though. That was the one thing I needed during the war you know. I needed you to break the silence around me. The click of keyboard keys helped, but your voice helped the most. Whenever the silence gets to be too much now, I try to remember you're voice, your chatter. Strange enough it actually helps. You gave me the choice to stay in the silence, or to interact with the world. Now, you probably don't think it was a choice, after all, you did pester me unmercifully, but when I found myself sinking too deeply into the mission, into the obsession to eliminate OZ or Romafeller, you were the one to remind me that I could choose something else, at least for a while. I think that that choice saved my sanity on more than one occasion.

//I couldn't pick up the pieces 'Til I was falling apart I didn't know I was bleeding 'Til your love fixed this hole, baby, here in my heart//

>That song still won't leave my mind. These lines remind me of the time after the Mariemaia battle. My world came crashing down on me then. Odin never encouraged many emotions in me, despite his advice to live by them, but J went out of his way to eliminate any that wouldn't help the mission. The 'Perfect Soldier' doesn't need to feel the softer emotions. You'd been helping me deal with my emotions gradually, but the flashbacks, the battle with Wufei, the destruction of Deikim Barton, Mariemaia - I couldn't deal with it. You're the only reason I'm still here, and still sane. You helped me to deal with the flood of emotions, with my broken feelings.

>Not only that but you helped to soften the edges of the soldier in me. Your persistent cheer, the way you never let me get too wrapped up in the mission, the way you forced me to enjoy myself in ways that didn't include shooting down mobile suits or blowing up bases. You helped me get my humanity back.

>Now, you've probably guessed what I've been trying to say even though I haven't come right out and said it. I'm talking so much easier in this email than I ever could in person, but I love you. Those words seem so weak, they don't really express what I really feel. The chorus does though. I'll let it say what I can't.

//I'd give up my sight just to see you I'd beg, I would borrow and steal I'd cut off my hands just to touch you And tear out my heart so you'd know how I feel There's nowhere that I wouldn't follow There's no place that I'd rather be This life without you would be hollow This love is a gift, and you gave it to me All that I am, you have made me And baby, I know that it's true I'd give it all up in a heartbeat Just to spend every moment with you There's no place that I wouldn't follow There's nothing that I wouldn't do 'Cause I wouldn't wanna be me If I didn't have you//

>I was taught to do what my heart tells me so I won't regret it later; I was told it was the right path for people who live in the present. I've had trouble living in the present though, I can't help but think of the future, of the past, and so I was silent. I don't know how else to describe my love for you. You are everything. I'd give up everything for you; my life ~is~ hollow without you. That's why I'm writing this. I had to put it down, to try to live in the present and follow my emotions.

>Duo, ai shiteru. I always will.<

Heero looked at the screen for a long moment, then looked at the creamy white envelope on the table.

He pushed delete.