Well, well well. You either are undeniably brilliant, or just incredibly lucky. To spice up my site a bit, I made some very... ahem... lets just say interesting "hidden" links to related or non-related things around my website. Fun, no? Well, as a hint, there is at least a few more of these "hidden" pages... But hey, no big deal, right? This one is sorta obvious, though. Ah, well. This is a page, dedicated (I guess...) to one of the minor characters in the RPG Final Fantasy VII, Palmer. Palmer is a member of Shinra, Inc., but don't ask me what he does. I can't remember for the life of me what it is that Palmer actually does. These are a "few" hilarious "Top 10" lists about Palmer in general. I didn't make 'em. One of these days, I'll put the address where these were up, but, until then, I DIDN'T MAKE 'EM. I am not claming them, so don't credit em to me. Now, enjoy!
Top 10 Reasons Why Palmers Should Be the Shinra Pres
By John and Eddie LaRusic
10. Palmer Stands for truth, justice, and a decent hamburger!
9. three words: Hit by truck.
8. He wouldn't stoop so low to use propaganda, and only tells the truth, like how Rufus likes men.
7. He's in touch with the youth! Groovy!
6. He voted for Bob Dole.
5. He promises to lower taxes and put a fast food restaurant on ever corner!
4. Palmer's easier to bribe.
3. He was sent by God on a mission!
2. He holds the record for most consecutive hits to the head.
1. Can YOU survive being hit by a truck?
Top 10 Reasons Why Rufus Shouldn't Be the Shinra Pres
By John and Eddie LaRusic
10. He can't tell the difference between butter and margarine.
9. He wanted Full House to stay on the air.
8. His real name is actually Albert E. Newman.
7. They're implants.
6. He liked Smokey and the Bandit.
5. He wets the bed every night.
4. He's never been hit by a truck.
3. He stuffs his pants.
2. It's actually a wig!
1. If you can't trust Palmer, who else can you trust?
Top 10 People Palmer Has Been Mistaken For
By John LaRusic
10. George Castanza
9. Babe Ruth
8. Clown of Spawn Fame
7. Hamburgler
6. Jay Leno
5. Stalin
4. Roseanne
3. Cindy Crawford
2. Sephiroth
1. Newt Gingrich
Top 10 Reasons Shin-Ra bombed
10. Not everybody wants to live on a @#$^@(as Barrett says)pizza, ya know!
9. Instead of finishing her off, they should have made Aeris take Elena's job.
8. Literally, it bombed.
7. Not everyone wants to live UNDER a @@^@4$%# rotting pizza, either!
6. One word: Rufus.
5. Don Corneo didn't make all the men at Sin-Ra...oops, SHIN-Ra happy with a nice bedtime pal!
4. Sepiroth was a leetle too bezerko to Prez Shinra, don't you think?
3. Cause' they were the bad guys, and the good guys always win, right?
2. AVALANCHE...or should I say Cloud, Mr. Big Shot I Know All/Win everything.
Palmer would have really set him straight!
1. Palmer wasn't Prez!!!!!!!
Palmer's Top 10 Accomplishments
By John LaRusic
10. Flew a Rocket Out Into Space
9. He Underwent Succesful Plastic Surgery
8. He Got a Bunch of Nerd to Make This Website for Next To Nothing (Hey!)
7. He fought for Bigger Weight Scales
6. He Ate a WHOLE Apple Computer in ONE Gulp
5. He was an All Japanese Sumo Wrestler for 6 Consecutive Years!
4. He Played a Pig in his Grade 3 Play
3. He Got a Fast Food Restuarant Placed in his Office
2. He Cheated his Way Through School and NEVER got caught ONCE!
1. He Beat Up Richard Simmons! ("Lose Weight You Say!?")
Top 10 Things Palmer Would be Interviewed About on a Talk Show
By Sir Edward
10. President Rufus' reasons for staying in the bathroom
9. If anybody was driving the mach truck
8. His near-death experience
7. If Barney was his evil twin
6. The inside scoop about Heidegger and Scarlet
5. President Rufus' feelings on Health Care for the "Being Hit By a Car" insurance
4. The taste of lard
3. Why Rufus always had his secretaries stay late
2. If he and the mayor were siblings
1. Why did President Shinra fire his secretary, Lorena Bobbit
Top 10 Reasons You Should've Gotten Palmer Instead of Cait Sith
By ZerMettalif
10. Cait Sith isn't bloated.
9. Palmer can belly-bounce people of the scream.
8. His Limit Break can be titled "Scrub Lard".
7. Palmer can fart and that is better than manipulate.
6. He can have an extra summon magic "Truck".
5. You can find Palmer at a local McDonald's at the Gold Saucer.
4. Palmer can be the first geezer to join your party in FF7.
3. He can buy any chocobo for a great snack.
2. He's cool!
1. Aren't fat, bloated people jolly?
Top 10 Reasons Why Heidegger Can't be Shinra President
By Fritz Fraundorf
10. What's the chance there'd be a "Heidegger Effect" in Junon?
9. His division of Shinra is named "Public Maintenance and Order." What kind of name is that?
8. He wasn't hit by a truck.
7. He eats even more lard than Palmer.
6. You never even fight him, but Palmer has that cool Mako gun.
5. He didn't even realize Reeve was giving him orders.
4. His "stupid horse laugh" (gyaa haa haa) isn't nearly as cool as Palmer's "hey-hey!"
3. According to Rufus, all he does is "give one-word answers and apologize for everything."
2. He's wearing Fidel Castr's hand-me-downs.
1. Would you really trust somebody who thought the Proud Clod
could be used as anti-Weapon artillery?
Top 10 Peaceful Uses for Palmer's Mako Gun
By Austen Lethbridge
10. A Megaphone, eat yer heart out, Cait Sith!
9. Salad shooter, used a total of ONCE.
8. Shaving razor, one wrong button and *GACK!*
7. Table leg, collect all four!
6. X-rated film projector, why do you think he wasn't fired, eh?
5. Planet destroyer, it was Hojo who invented the gun, so...
4. Lint repelant, we all need one!
3. Mini-beer keg, for those long meetings
2. AYE, LADDIE! Uh, never mind.
1. A food processer, what else?!
Top 10 Things Not to Give Ultros
By John LaRusic
10. Anything to do with Math
9. Permanent Marker
8. A Certain Purple Dinosaur (his greatest competition, ya know)
7. Hanson/Spice Girl's Album
6. A Columbia House "10 CDs for a Penny" offer
5. Makao Gun
4. Nuclear Warheads
3. Tissue
2. Cup of Hot McDonald's Coffee
1. A Lemon
Palmer's Bad Day During the Filming of Final Fantasy 7
By Jerm
10. Act 37/Take 2: During meeting with Shinra, he leaned too far and crushed the table.
9. Act 37/Take 4: Tripped over chair when leaving meeting.
8. Act 54/Take 3: Forgot to open door when meeting Cid in Cid's house. Door frame bent.
7. Act 57/Take 2: Forgot to duck after fight for Bronco. Scalped by propeller.
6. Act 57/Take 8: Dropped Mako gun. Fried Cloud stunt double.
5. Act 58/Take 1: The truck arrived too early. Palmer ran into the side of it.
4. Act 58/Take 2: Tripped and truck ran over him instead of into him with the padded front.
3. Act 58/Take 12: Terrorists stole truck and hit Palmer before he was ready.
2. Act 90/Take 4: After starting the countdown for the rocket, forgot to run. Shinra No. 26's engines toasted him.
1. Act 124/Take 1: Was supposed to save Cloud and Tifa after Cloud defeated Sephiroth.
Never appeared for some reason. Scene was cut from game.
Top Ten Reasons for Letting Palmer Stay With Shinra
By E.Novak
10. Paying for more food means more taxes and more money to go to Rufus' hair gel fund!
9. To pose as the "Before" model for the Shinra Diet Plan commercials!
8. The proud sponser of Shinra Burger Stop!
7. You ever see him dance at the an office party?
6. An excuse to install shock absorbers in the building!
5. The entire offensive line for the Shinra Football Team!
4. Mako Gun tester!
3. If a guy says "Hey-hey", hey's either happy or psychotic. Rufus wouldn't risk it.
2. He works for peanuts. Literally.
1. How can you fire a cool guy like Palmer?
Top Ten Reasons Why Palmer is Better then Steve Case
By Rebo
10. Palmer is better looking.
9. Steve Case is anti-lard.
8. Palmer is smarter.
7. Palmer is more like Santa Claus.
6. Palmer has his own fanclub, while Steve Case can't even pay people to like him.
5. Palmer doesn't sucker you into to thinking that he
is God's gift to humankind, because we all know he is, already.
4. Palmer doesn't have a TOS in legalese.
3. Palmer likes lard, the greatest of God's creations.
2. Steve Case has dimwitted idiots working for him,
while Palmer has Ultros, Mr. Bean, Austen, Eddie, John and the great Drugy Smurf!
1. He doesn't wear a stupid tie!
Top 10 Things Palmer Does When He's Bored
By A.Weirdo AKA Rachel Green
10: Boiling eggs in the Mako reactors
9: Teasing his hair so he looks like Dilbert's boss
8: Doodling insulting cariactures of the other Shinra executives
7: Sending the Turks out for pizza
6: Raiding Heideggar's donut stash
5: Writing Scarlet's phone number on the men's room wall
4: Using Reeves's model of Midgar as a frisbee
3: Replacing Hojo's Prozac with Tic tacs
2: Putting Nair in Rufus's hair gel
1: Doing all of the above at the same time and betting with Cid on how long
it will take before the entire company goes nuts!
Top 10 Reasons Sephiroth Shouldn't be Prez
By Michelle Incaini
10: Hey, he blew his chance at Shin-Ra HQ.
9: He was killed by a spikey-headed FREAK!
8: You must have shoes and SHIRT inside Shin_Ra HQ.
7: Lacking a little lard, don't you think?
6: As the late President Shinra said, "He was brilliant, perhaps too brilliant."
5: He's not balding like Palmer.
4: His father is HOJO, need I say more?
3: Sort of an infatuation with Jenova there, hmmm?
2: If he gets pissed, he kills everyone around.
1: He's not Palmer!!!!
Top Ten Methods of Self Defense for Palmer
By Andrew Hall
10) Lard (don't ask)
9) Pop Rox + Coca Cola.....BOOM!
8) The folds of his fat gut can hid guns and knives and stuff
7) Farts + burps = chemical warfare
6) Gut can deflect bullets and knives and stuff
5) The reflection off his balding scalp can blind any sniper!
4) Starched tie, Bushido sword....what's the difference?
3) Utensils: weapons of the art of Karat-eat!
2) He has a gun on him already!
1) He'll sit on you, dumb-@$$
Top 10 Books in Ultros' War Room
By Dansereye
10: Sun Tzu Duh: The Art of War for Dummies
9: How to Argue and Win Every Time
8: I'm O.K, You're O.K.
7: The Hooked On Phonics Workbook
6: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
5: The Tammy Fae Bakker Songbook
4: Glorious Purple: Octopi and the Women Who Love Them
3: Liposuction: Is It Right For You?
2: The Bridges of Madison County
1: The New Grove Dictionary of Opera
Top 10 Reasons Why Palmer will become President of Shin-Ra
By Jeremy
10. President Shinra's dead
9. Rufus's dead
8. Heidegger's dead
7. Scarlett's dead
6. Hojo's dead
5. Tseng's dead
4. 90% of Shinra's army was killed by Weapon
3. Reeve's alive...but he left
2. The Turks left
1. Palmer is the only one remaining
Top Ten Shinra Cover-Ups for the Sector 7 Disaster
By Rebo
10: Ted Kazinsky did it!
9: Oh, how did that bomb get there?
8: That wasn't a Shinra Helicopter, it was, uh, Saddam Hussein!
7: Sephiroth got drunk and mistook the beam for the President.....oh wait,
you weren't supposed to know that!
6: Chris Farley sat on it.
5: AVALANCHE tried to end it all.
4: Heidigger laughed so horribly, the beam collapsed.
3: Palmer was near the beam after having one too many big bean burritos.
2: A Mako Gun misfired.
1: Sector 7? We don't recall ever hearing of this "Sector 7".
Top 10 Things or Persons Ultros Has Been Mistaken For
By Dansereye
10: Hojo's lunch
9: Radioactive SPAM
8: A Jell-O Pudding Pop
7: A Brillo Pad
6: Rush Limbaugh
5: Moby Grape
4: A Froot-Loop
3: The Peculiar Purple Pieman of Porcupine Peak
(you remember...the villan from Strawberry Shortcake)
2: A Tamigotchi
1: An Octopus
Top 10 Things Palmer Would as President of Square
By Fritz Fraundorf
10: Issues press release explaining that he is not fat, but merely big-boned.
9: Druggy Smurf becomes Square's mascot.
EA immediately cancels partnership with Square, because "we do have standards."
8: FF7: Director's Cut released in which Palmer runs Shinra and Rufus takes the place of Shake.
7: Also in FF7 Director's Cut, Cosmo Canyon is removed and Red XIII comes from the International Frog Museum instead.
6: Fires Biggs and Wedge, who immediately leave Square HQ and, in incredible irony, are hit by a truck and killed.
5: Chrono Trigger 2 is finally released. No, wait, just wishful thinking...
4: All Chocobos mysteriously vanish and are replaced with Fat Chocobos.
3: When the Chocobo Sage is charged with writing FF8's script, he "Can't remember for the life of me"
and there is no dialogue in the game. FF8 receives an immediate endorsement by Crono.
2: Creates new crossover, "Parasite Bean", in which Mr. Bean
fights to save New York City from an outbreak of rabid gerbils.
1: Square branches into the edutainment market with the release of
The Magic School Bus Inside Palmer's Stomach", in which Palmer eats the Magic School Bus,
prompting a fascinating journey of discovery about the human digestive system.
EA once again states that "We do have standards" and launches a tactical nuclear strike on Square.
fun, no?
