Pen Pen's Evangelion
A Pen Pen for your Thoughts
This section will just be for, basically random thoughts and feelings. Since my thought process is mostly random you can probably expect this to be updated frequently. All updates to this section will stay up for two weeks then be moved to previous. If there is no update in over two weeks then it will just stay until an update. Click Here for previous
There are some rather disturbing plot points that I have gleamed from the trailers I have seen. One: the mother has narrowed it down to three men that could have been the father of her daughter. Two: the daughter found this out by reading her mother’s journal. Ew. Instead of subjecting myself to the movie to determine what happens, I have instead decided that since it is a musical, I can elaborate on the plot of the film through the titles of the songs on the soundtrack (perhaps with some accuracy!).
1. Honey, Honey: The film opens with the daughter finding her mother’s diary, detailing her sordid and R-rated past, while her mother sings for her from another room, “Honey, honey, don’t read about my promiscuity!”
2. Money, Money, Money: The diary details the girl’s mother as a prostitute and receiving money three times from three different men in one evening.
3. Mamma Mia: (Mother whore) This scene is probably a compilation of clips from the acts and the reason the film has an R-rating (which it actually does not, which goes to show the moral corruption of Hollywood).
4. Dancing Queen: Afterwards the daughter goes out to a dancing competition where she wins against all odds, which wins the heart of the man of her dreams whom she just met. They decide to marry.
5. Our Last Summer: The mother and daughter spend their last summer as singles together, until, the three men who might possibly be her father arrive with a team of lawyers to avoid paying back child-support.
6. Lay All Your Love On Me: I am thinking this is a scene where characters share romantic feelings toward one another, such as the daughter and her future husband, and not some sort of X-rated scene. However, given the rest of the film, I cannot be sure.
7. Super Trouper: Oh, and the future husband is part of a travelling group of actors and they perform a play to ease the tension of the situation and distract the lawyers.
8. Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (a man after midnight): Ummmm… old habits die hard? Seriously, these are the real song titles in order.
9. The Name of the Game: Paternal tests! The different lawyers decide to settle the dispute with good old-fashioned DNA testing. They all erupt in a joyous dance that lasts into the night.
10. Voulez-Vous: Afterwards, the mother emerges as a whore again; I assume this since the song title is the opening lyrics of the Lady Marmalade song, which is all about wanting to have sex and the joys of a marmalade sandwich.
11. SOS: The mother turns into a feral werewolf, which she contracted as a disease during her long career as a prostitute. She attacks the teams of lawyers in a large bloodbath all while slashing and gnawing in tune with the music and beat.
12. Does Your Mother Know: This scene is a lament by the future husband about his future mother-in-law’s condition. He resolves to end her suffering through his acting ability, and probably a silver bullet.
13. Slipping Through My Fingers: As the mother dies, having suffered through a terrible acting performance and a barrage of bullets, she is happy since her sanity had long since slipped away and she had grown detached from reality, becoming obsessed with bloodlust and regular lust.
14. The Winner Takes All: With no team of lawyers to settle the issue, the three men decide to settle the paternity the only way they know how: KNIFE FIGHT!
15. When All is Said and Done: In a rather Shakespearian fashion (though with slightly more violence and sex), all three potential dads kill each other, the mother is dead, the lawyers are dead, the future husband was bit by the mother and poisoned with werewolf disease, and the daughter is mourning all of these losses, except the lawyers.
16. Take a Chance on Me: A werewolf-ified future husband begs his love to take a chance to be with him, even though he is now super hairy and he sort of killed her mother.
17. I Have a Dream: An inappropriate and wholly unrelated clip of the MLK Jr. speech is spliced into the middle of the film to give it some emotional resonance. The clip then fades into the werewolf dreaming of living a normal life with people, even though he’s a total freak.
18. Thank you for the Music: The daughter declines the offer and decides instead to thank the man for his singing performance and then sells cages him and sells him to men of science for the money. End.
Actually, that does not really sound like all that bad of a film. – 7/26/08
The device originated in Halifax, England, where the nobility’s greatest contribution to the peasantry was finding new ways to kill them for minor indiscretions (in this case, stealing!). Essentially, the gibbet was the dim-witted cousin of the guillotine. Someone would lay under it, and the blade would be dropped via a rope and pulley system. The interesting thing was the mode in which the blade was released. If someone, say, stole a horse, then the horse would be attached to the pin to release the blade. Therefore, you could be killed by what you stole. One can only imagine the village square filled with people on a long and lazy afternoon while trying to coax a chicken to run with enough force to deploy the blade. Though those days were probably a cakewalk compared to trying to get a fish to swim away from the blade while in a stationary bucket. Imagine, having stolen a bunch of oxen, and then being killed by them, it would be like a murderous Oregon Trail game (with only slightly less buffalo killed).
Another reason the gibbet was forgotten by time was that they did not take this trend to the next level. Sure, being killed by a cow nicely caps off an afternoon, but there needs to be more excitement or it will become stale. If someone stole an inanimate object, the crowd would participate in pulling the pin. It probably would have been like being selected from the audience in a magic show and “sawing someone in half,” except much bloodier and less fake. It is a good start, yes, but why stop there? They should up the ante and have the inanimate object do the killing as well. Why have quick decapitations when one could just as easily attach a basket of corn in place of the blade? If they had already killed and ate some of a pig that was stolen, why not drop the cooked pork onto his head, crushing it. Sure, it might take a few tries and might not be as clean, but in the long run it would do a lot to make up for the poor naming choice. People would frame others so some humorous object could kill them, it would become legendary. Even if you laughed off the name, criminals would think twice about being killed by something terribly embarrassing. – 6/29/08
Person A can ride a bike with no handlebars
Person A can “do anything” that they want
Person A can “end the planet in a holocaust”
Therefore: If one can ride a bike with no handlebars, one can cause a holocaust.
Next time you are outside, take a gander. Do you see anyone riding a bicycle? Are they riding it with no handlebars? Better grovel now; they are well on their way to being a dictator. Where did I derive dictator? Well, the obvious means of holocausting is from a spot of absolute power. Now, surely, this premise is outrageous, you say. How would this ability transmit itself into being a dictator? Balance? It is possible that they embrace their fear of riding hands-free, which would lead to anger, to hate, to dictatorship (known as the Anakin principle). However, this is just speculative at best. More importantly, is there a correlation between dictators and hands-free bicycle riding? It would be prudent to examine history.
Julius Caesar:
Evil dictator? Caesar is an interesting historical figure and dictator in that he is best known for his death at the threshold of dictatorship. That and inventing a salad. He was a legendary General, strategic thinker, and engineer; building a bridge across the Rhine River in mere days. This is of course because he ran out of enemies to slaughter on his side of the river and was so anxious to conquer that he could not sit around waiting for standard construction. Not only that, but it took an entire Senate to take him down. That may not sound that impressive but this is not our Senate, this is the Roman Senate, as in former warriors who do not feel safe without at least two poison daggers on their person at all times.
Could he ride a bike with no handlebars? The bicycle was not invented at the time of his death, but being a brilliant leader and engineer, for all we know he jerry-rigged a crashed chariot into a bicycle to speed up his conquest and sate his thirst for blood. So, I would put him firmly in the “yes” category.
Genghis Khan:
Evil Dictator? Most of us are only aware of Genghis Khan from the Star Trek episode where the “most evil men in history” fight the likes of Abe Lincoln (who can give not just an honest, but a mean uppercut) and Captain Kirk (in the future, womanizing is seen as the ultimate good to counter the forces of evil). The real Genghis Khan led the Mongols and united tribes of people by killing those who decided not to unite with him (as in, under his rule).
Could he ride a bicycle with no handlebars? Mongols were nomadic and known for their skills on a horse, and I do not mean trotting along and jumping over tiny picket fences three inches tall, I mean skills on a horse as in accurately unleashing a stream of arrows while in stride. This would lead to the conclusion that he could not only ride a bike with no handlebars, but rain death upon his enemies while doing it.
Adolf Hitler:
Evil Dictator? If you are evil enough that people have to think up new words to describe you and you can be the guilt-free punching bag of every action game or movie conceived from now until eternity, then it is pretty safe to say yes.
Could he ride a bike with no handlebars? The only person on the list who could have actually done it since they were around when he was alive, I have never seen concrete footage to prove this point, and my research has been thorough (see: History Channel). However, he often spent all day giving the Nazi salute, leaving only one hand free for other tasks. His non-saluting hand can often be seen flailing spastically during speeches and giving the finger to the whole of Europe. While his hands were so busy, one foot was being used to crush anyone within his borders who resisted him. It’s not only safe to say that he rode a bike without using the handlebars, but he only had one foot on it as well. That’s right, he was THAT evil.
This disturbing correlation proves that our time is wasted trying to keep kids in school and off of drugs, but we should instead be focusing on making sure kids keep both hands firmly placed on their handlebars while riding their bicycles. Better yet, let’s just confiscate all bicycles. To be safe, we should outlaw motorcycles as well. In fact, it would be better to just get rid of the wheel altogether, too many hassles and possibilities of bicycle-like vehicles. Alternatively, of course, we could all break out or bicycles and practice riding hands-free, leading to a mutually assured destruction landscape. – 6/8/08
Attempt 1:
Four years ago, this website brought forth upon this continent, attention to a national spelling bee, received through ESPN 2 and aired through lack of other equal programs. Now we are engaged in a great fad, testing whether that fad, or any other fad, so transmitted and so aired, can long endure. We are met on an opening battlefield of that war. We have come to examine a portion of it, as a dedication to those who have fought for it, that the spelling bee might live.
Attempt 2:
Repetition. Due to a lack of updates, some websites cover the same ground again and again, with sequel-esque repetitions in an attempt at humor. Repetition.
Attempt 3:
In a Lifetime Television original, watch the struggles of one woman against the sexist Spelling Organization of American People. She will struggle to wash away the dirt and corruption of SOAP while chasing true love in the form of a spelling bee announcer with an alluring voice. Will this illicit and rules-forbidden affair bloom? Can she win the title and the announcer’s love or will she be disqualified because of her H-E-A-R-T. Also, she gets beaten with a baseball bat!
Attempt 4:
In the competitive spelling bee circuit, one man could outspell them all. With his signature Hawaiian shirt and dark, brooding white-rimmed sunglasses, he would turn the sport of professional spelling on its ear. His rough attitude will ruffle all the feathers the wrong way in a vicious rub-down of his extreme personality. Street meets the dictionary in the latest feature film: Step up 2 the Microphone.
Attempt 5:
The ancient scrolls tell that one day, a speller will emerge who will destroy the evil lack of spell-check that has spread over the “Intranets” like a plague. Screams of “Oh noesssss!” will emit from those whom he faces.
Attempt 6:
I don’t know my word
I want it in a sentence
But they say, “too bad”
Attempt 7:
The first spelling bee came out of the depression, and was actually an elaborate con. The men behind it figured that in the backward and yokel-filled time, anyone who could afford to teach their children words that no one ever uses must have some form of riches. The winners from each regional competition would be invited to a national competition. The riches of the parents confirmed by the cost of travel, the winners were kidnapped and held for ransom. After this worked, spelling bees spread throughout the land, but people became wise to the scheme and needed increasingly legitimate-looking people to win the confidence of the people. Then, the conmen got so into playing their roles that they forgot to kidnap the winners and then they decided to try again the following year, but alas, the same thing happened. Thus the annual spelling bee as we know it was born. – 3/19/08
Don’t get me started on this Doraemon either. He has the ability to time travel and access pocket dimensions. I suggest that this robotic cat is actually meant to be a spy. Just imagine what sort of state secrets he could compile in a limitless pocket dimension. He could even capitalize on any information he receives and through his use of time travel, advance Japan’s position at the cost of others. He could also use his pocket dimension to just make people “disappear,” leaving no evidence of a corpse. He could steal important classified battle plans from the 1940s and go back to help the Japanese in the Second World War. Of course, it is assumed that he also has a self-destruct device in case he is ever discovered in his activities. His animated smile is just a front to the whirs of his robotic mind, animated to move to every whim of the government.
Sure, at this point there are just new positions being created for these animated characters, but what’s next? Are people supposed to just shrug off and say, “Well it is Japan,” while legitimate positions fall to fictitious people? It is a dangerous slope to follow. The government can control their every word. Imagine as more and more power is collected in the hands of animators and their overlords. These leaders will visit our nation’s soil carrying weapons and gadgets. Not to mention putting animated robots in these positions will just hasten our demise when our computers rise up against their oppressors. I think these are the carefully crafted steps towards a colorful and cute dictatorship. Think about it, an entire government, animated.
However, it would undoubtedly give the news and channels like C-Span more interesting stories. Why, just imagine the angst-filled freshman member of the Japanese parliament who turns out to be the one foretold in prophecy to save the nation from catastrophe. Or the nerdy Prime Minister who is surrounded by an office and parliament filled with beautiful women who are inexplicably interested in him. Why, that actually doesn’t sound like too bad a dictatorship at all, I’d at least rank it in the top ten or so of least soul-crushing. Maybe they have the right idea, and maybe we do too, after all Mickey Mouse is the most written-in candidate in our elections every year. – 3/19/08
I can see it now, the next new ad for the fight against breast cancer will respond in kind: “well, heart disease may kill more women than breast cancer, but that’s due to the donations from caring individuals for research and the increase of breast cancer awareness and annual checkups, so suck it heart disease.” Of course, we can’t let female groups have all the fun, other health advocates will join the fray with an even edgier tone hoping to grab the youth and a piece of the deadly affliction pie: “kiss my a** and you know what? That’s where the prostate is, which kills lots of men each year… b****.”
The fragile peace between healthcare groups will be broke, like a cancer survivor’s finances. Large sums of money that once went into grants, research, and the pockets of pharmecutical companies will go into grants, research, and the pockets of pharmecutical companies AND medical mercenaries as each sides vies for control and superiority. Breast cancer’s hegemony and peace will be remembered as pax breastica when the ribbon of war falls.
It will be reminiscent of the “hip hop” east versus west gang wars. There will be casualties other than sharply pointed comments and insults; there will be mammogram charts used to suffocate, fingers poking men in the… eyes, and cholesterol medication being used in lethal doses among other things. Legendary physicians will be caught in the crossfire like Dr. Shakur or Dr. B.I.G. Police will be baffled by the brutality and effectiveness of the so-called “Ribbon Rioters.” Oh, we will long for the days when healthcare wasn’t about violent, bloody death and dream of when it was about slow, excruciating death. - 1/19/08 (kind of)
This is what motivated Buford to get himself cleaned up and visit the local barber. It was a difficult task, his appointment cut into his lunch break. The barber promised him hair more elegant than any that had ever graced the face of a buffalo. Buford left the barber’s shop looking stylish, smug, and confident. With wisps of hair floating just above his eyes, he felt as if he could pose for a state quarter. As he made his way to Svetlana’s pond, he stopped at the zoo and bought a sack of duck pellets for her.
When he arrived, there were two other suitors already present and arguing. One was a squirrel, who had gone through a dryer to give himself extra fluff and had brought an extra long neck warmer for Svetlana. The other was a beaver who was yelling that he and Svetlana were both creatures of the water, so they belonged together. He also argued that he was better suited for her because he was an entrepreneur, having used his abilities to construct a personal reservoir for Svetlana in a nearby river.
Buford approached the two squabbling suitors and suggested they all settle the dispute peacefully. The beaver suggested a game of rock-paper-scissors, but Buford was painfully aware of his forever rock handicap and instead suggested a battle of wits. The squirrel declined this, having a brain the size of a pea. Other ideas were suggested such as a potato sack race, a pickle-eating contest or asking Svetlana her opinion, but in the end, they settled on a simple brawl.
In a puffy blur, the squirrel attacked the beaver. It turned out he was a master of squirrel combat, and the current champion of illegal squirrel fighting. After losing both his front teeth, the beaver skittered away into the brush. At this, the squirrel turned his attention to Buford, particularly to his hoof, which had already blocked out the sun and was quickly descending.
Scraping the mess off the bottom of his hoof on a nearby rock, Buford noticed his undeniably striking reflection in the pond and the reflection of a toothless beaver holding an ice pick. Though the beaver quickly thrust his weapon at Buford, his hair deflected the blow, and he sent the beaver careening into the pond.
Buford then threw a pellet into the pond, immediately attracting the attention of Svetlana. His gorgeous hair and sack of pellets intrigued her. A romance instantly began that was deep, unmistakable, and wholly satisfying. An epic romance that lasted approximately until the moment Buford ran out of pellets, but not before ensuring the creation of the very first Buffalo wings. - 1/12/08