A Pen Pen for your Thoughts

First off, about my lack of updates for… let’s say completely for about half a year and only occasionally for… let’s say a couple years. Yea, I don’t know what to say. It’s been on the backburner of society, like a neglected child left by a dumpster for this website it’s been cold, hungry, and slightly chaffing in the world of cyberspace. Whether or not this is a watershed, the “hinge” upon which the world (of this website) turns “like a lollipop” as Winston Churchill would say I cannot proclaim at this juncture. But it’s certainly not negative, so that’s something, right?

In the absence from updating this site one thing has sat on my mind above all others, constantly bothering me and I’ve been itching to talk about: Saddam Hussein looks crazy with a beard. What was he thinking when he allowed it to grow? Was he using it to hide foodstuffs and weapons? Could his beard have been to fit in more with the spider population of Iraq? Did he plan to lead a coup against the spider-people’s democratically elected leaders to create a new army and suddenly emerge from underneath our feet taking the world by storm? Whose side would Spiderman be on? Have I been watching too many cheesy 50’s sci-fi films? Sure, we all laugh when he says he’s still “President” of Iraq but would we if he still possessed a well-groomed lip caterpillar?

I blame Saddam’s lack of a PR assistant now that he’s been removed from power. After all, when he was in power he always managed to look suave even while killing his own people. Would it be so hard to supply one in addition to his every-shrinking/changing team of lawyers? Honestly, if Stalin were overthrown and imprisoned would he have grown muttonchops? Would Hitler have grown a handlebar mustache? Would Mussolini have grown hair on his balding head? Certainly not.

How can he expect to maintain his power and authority when he’s let his trademark facial hair fall to ruin? What about all his loyal/frightened regime associates who must have been crest/mustache-fallen when they saw a scraggily beard and not a scraggily mustache when he emerged semi-triumphantly from a “spider” hole? Have they grown their beards out in support? It might be kind of suspicious if they still sported those Saddam-staches, so that’s probably a good idea.

This could be another piece of facial hair that is forever doomed with bad connotations thanks to the “President.” Slightly fuller than that of an 80s porn star, and slightly thinner than a Teddy Roosevelt. The “Saddam” will be remembered for its poise, strength, determination, and that one incident where it drowned someone in a public fountain. At the very least he could have colored the beard a healthy black. Perhaps it was his attempt at becoming a hobo, like the life of a despot had grown dull, boring and had a sudden sharp decline in life expectancy. Saddam wasn’t removed from power; he was just trying to understand the hardship of the poor in order to better appreciate his despotical power. He must have seen one of those (American) movies where the rich man learns the plight of the poor by switching places or being intimidated by ghosts.

Saddam is boycotting his own trial now, which I wasn’t even aware you could do. He is claiming that the justice is biased. Now, I don’t know how anyone could be biased against such an obviously innocent man. Just like the Nazi leaders who were following orders, Saddam was following the orders of the very tiny but no less threatening troll that lives in his facial hair. He is obviously to blame for all of the suffering in Iraq, which may be why he grew a beard. Saddam hoped beard trolls could fight the mustache troll in a D and D-esque battle with lots of “magic missiles” and other weapons of mass destruction. Sadly, there are no such things as beard trolls. - 4/19/06