Pen Pen's Evangelion
A Pen Pen for your Thoughts
This section will just be for, basically random thoughts and feelings. Since my thought process is mostly random you can probably expect this to be updated frequently. Back to Previous Pennys. Back to Pen Penny.
Bear’s Rain
People in Washington had to… bear a problem, and as you may have ascertained from my witty pun the problem they dealt with was a bear. The problem was one all too common among bears in this day and age, alcoholism. The history of alcoholism and bears dates back all the way to the Colonial Period, when drunk settlers thought it would be funny to see the giant gopher have a drink. The resultant alcohol-induced slaughter fueled the legend that would become the Beer Bear, a magnificent creature that would come in the night and steal alcohol from your home.
That’s why alcohol was put in jugs labeled “XXX” because among bears pornography was looked down upon. That is also where the cylindrical containers came from, because early settlers believed that bears, with no opposable thumbs, couldn’t grasp the round surface, apparently they forgot about the claws. The Beer Bear’s legend grew as America expanded westward, being sighted numerous times by the drunk. Some came to believe in its powers to grant alcohol to poor alcoholics. The resulting pilgrimages into the forest ended quickly after rabid squirrels killed all of them. As time passed, the legend was told only in bars and taverns, and began to fade.
However, the legend of the Beer Bear was revived, evolved, and commercialized as time went on. A small time company called Billy Bob’s Bear Beer was the first attempt to capitalize on the legend. It failed miserably after, in true Beer Bear nature, the bear posing as the Beer Bear went on a rampage and killed everyone in the factory after obviously being instigated by the people around him looking so succulent. The next attempt to commercialize the legend came from; you guessed it, the chocolate industry. However, after the bear mascot fell into the mixer, the company was forced to close after a faulty shipment of chocolate was sent out to groups of schoolchildren.
However, this recent incident was not the lovable Beer Bear we’ve gotten to know, but it may be a cousin. A bear was found passed out on the lawn of a lake resort, and there were more than 36 empty beer cans strewn about everywhere, like an aluminum massacre had taken place. The bear apparently preferred one brand to another, leaving the cans of Busch beer untouched after trying only one of the brands. It looks like the local Rainier beer company has a new spokesman. The bear woke up and left shortly after the officials arrived, but was lured back the next night.
How? With beer of course, these wildlife agents are just feeding this poor bear’s addiction. They make me sick. I’m sure the bear has trouble enough; being looked down upon from the other Black Bears, not preferring the national Busch brand beer, being passed out in public, and being ejected from Alcoholics Anonymous for eating a member who had drunk some beer, therefore becoming corrupted with beer; without being given more beer to feed on. The life of a beer-drinking bear can’t be easy. The bear was relocated, kicked out of his house like so many alcoholics are, and is probably in an alley somewhere, snacking remorsefully on a bum. That poor, poor bear. – 9/26/04
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