This section will just be for, basically random thoughts and feelings. Since my thought process is mostly random you can probably expect this to be updated frequently. Back to Previous Pennys. Back to Pen Penny.
I recently received the following letter; my comments are in ():
Dear (honorable) Sir,
I, being the admirable and prominent (and cheesy) Lord Cheesewedge, do take offense to the previous (cheesy) statements regarding my(cheesiness)self written in an unsavory (and uncheesy) manner. You claim to express (insert cheese-joke here) things that are not opinions that I hold whilst claiming them to be so (heretofore, whence, my cheesiness). I find this manner unbefitting of any honorable persons and request (actually more of I demand of you or you die) you summarily and prudently retract these statements that you yourself made without consent of the actual party, being myself (as myself clearly stated by myself).
I am a leading member of the citizenry and am held (in the stocks) in high esteem by this citizenry (that likes to beat me viciously). To be slandered by one such as you is a most unsettling occurrence (it gives me stomach cramps). These things that you have erroneously declared may affect my reputation and standing within the citizenry in an unacceptable manner. I am hope-filled (not a good idea) that with your forthcoming retractions my reputation will not be wrongly tainted.
I shan't remind you of the unlawful conduct in which these statements were written (I didn't know my statements were 'conducting' themselves badly, they will be disciplined); hence I expect your retraction without delay. I do ask that it be done as soon as befits thee, as affirmed beforehand, my reputation is in peril (because the citizenry beats me). If the retraction is briskly completed (I don't know if I do much 'briskly') and available for others to view, I do deem that public prosecutors ought not be called into the affair (keep your infidelity to yourself).
Sincerely,
The (Dis-)Honorable Lord Cheesewedge
The REAL Lord Cheesewedge then wrote this in reply.
Dear Fake Lord Cheesewedge,
I, Lord Cheesewedge, do take offense to your false and wicked statements accusing Lord Cheesewedge of not being the true Lord Cheesewedge. Lord Cheesewedge likes to speak in the third person for starters. Lord Cheesewedge caught this amateur and foolish mistake immediately and quickly determined that you, sir, are no Lord Cheesewedge, and merely an imposter Lord Cheesewedge.
Lord Cheesewedge is wise and not easily fooled by lowly peasant mongrels such as you attempting to assert themselves in the hierarchy of true gents. Lord Cheesewedge is not a respected member within the citizenry because they mock Lord Cheesewedge's cheesewedgeness. Lord Cheesewedge is in the industry of making cheese wedges among an array of other business ventures, which causes others to foolishly and unwisely mock the great Lord Cheesewedge.
These low-class fools fail to see the perfection in the cheese wedge. They shall see, when they are all starving when a great famine appears, Lord Cheesewedge and Lord Cheesewedge's customers will have cheese wedges on which to feast. When they come to Lord Cheesewedge's door and ask for cheese wedges, Lord Cheesewedge will respond with a deep and bellowing voice that Lord Cheesewedge had practiced waiting for that day: you were the very people who said they would never need cheese wedges, do not ask for which you have already turned away. Lord Cheesewedge will then close the door and laugh a great laugh, and all will beg to be with Lord Cheesewedge and his cheese wedges. Then, when the low-class imbeciles have perished Lord Cheesewedge will rise to King Cheesewedge and after giving true power to his monarchial reign all shall bow before him.
It will be a great day for the true Lord Cheesewedge. The cheese wedge will become the national food, symbol, and be portrayed on the great flag. All those that doubt the cheese wedge and its majestic power will be thrown to vicious cheese wedges. These cheese wedges will have gone down the wrong path and be filled with foul-smelliness and putrid odor.
If you ever attempt to portray thyself as Lord Cheesewedge again, you shall suffer a worse fate. As this is so, no retractions shall be made or considered. As Lord Cheesewedge states, Lord Cheesewedge will follow. Also, buy Lord Cheesewedge cheese wedges.
Sincerely,
The Honorable, Great, Profound, Magnificent, Revered, Good-looking, Wise, and Charming Lord Cheesewedge -12/3/02