A Pen Pen for your Thoughts

A phone rings. I decide to answer it, because I'm just that kind of guy, who answers phones.

Me: Hello?

Voice: Hello, Stu Pidasso.

Me: That's not my name.

Voice: I know. It's a joke, get it?

Me: No, not really.

Voice: … Nevermind. I do know your name and have called to talk to you about something important.

Me: And to whom am I speaking?

Voice: You do not need to know my name.

Me: Can I call you Chuck?

Chuck: No.

Me: So what's so important… Chuck?

Chuck: It has to do with the way you've been handling your life. You have done certain things that are less than admirable haven't you?

Me: I'm sorry you must have me confused with someone else, do you want me to find this… Pidasso was it?

Chuck: I know who you are, I truly…

Chuck says something.

Me: Liar.

Chuck shoots me I slowly fall back and… okay maybe not (when did we establish he had a gun anyway?).

Chuck: What were you just mumbling about?

Me: Nothing.

Chuck: By the way, I have a gun.

Me: Really? What kind?

Chuck: A Magnum rifle with a scope.

Me: Really? What are the specifics?

Chuck: I don't know.

Me: Let me guess. You bought the gun based on a certain movie.

Chuck: …No.

Me: Then why'd you buy it if you knew nothing about it?

Chuck: A friend recommended it to me.

Me: And what was this friend's name?

Chuck: It was… Harry. Listen, I'm the one whose pointing a gun at you, so I get to decide the topic of conversation.

Me: You don't even know a Harry do you?

Chuck: Yes I do. And be quiet.

Me: …

Chuck: Now, do you know why I have a gun pointed at you?

Me: …

Chuck: … Hello?

Me: …

Chuck: C-can you hear me? I see you're still at the phone, so could you respond? Feedback is important when you're making threats.

Me: You told me to be quiet though.

Chuck: You can talk now.

Me: Okay then, and no.

Chuck: No, what? No, you aren't going to talk or no, you don't know about the whole gun thing?

Me: The gun thingy.

Chuck: You should know I am aware of what you've done.

Me: What are you talking about?

Chuck: Who's the liar now?

Me: I never called you a liar, that didn't happen remember?

Chuck: Oh yeah. Nevermind, but you're still a liar.

Me: And how do you know this?

Chuck: I've followed you around and have been watching you.

Me: This isn't some kind of perverted sexual thing, is it?

Chuck: No! Is it coming off that way or-

Me: No, no, it's just the whole following thing is kind of weird.

Chuck: Oh okay, but it's definitely not that type of thing. I just don't really have a whole lot to do in my little apartment so I sort of follow people around, as a hobby if you will.

Me: Well, I understand that.

Chuck: Thanks, but I'm still pointing the gun at you.

Me: Oh yeah. Why are you doing that, by the way?

Chuck: If you don't know maybe you're not ready to know yet.

Me: Okay, fine I may or may not have butchered some people like pigs.

Chuck: What?!

Me: And I may have eaten them, just a bit though. With some nice sauce, it's actually quite tasty.

Chuck: I only noticed that you forgot your blinker once and jaywalked the other day.

Me: Oh… I mean, gotcha!

Chuck: You're crazy. What kind of person would do that? I'm afraid I'm going to have to shoot you.

Me: Why?

Chuck: Why do you think?

Me: Forgetting my blinker one time isn't bad.

Chuck: You did sort of kill people.

Me: And eat them.

Chuck: Yes, and eat them. I thought you said you were joking anyways.

Me: So? Is this going to end some time or what?

Chuck: Yeah, I'm getting sort of tired of looking through this scope anyway. It's a real pain.

I hear a gunshot.

Me: He must have shot himself, that was rather anticlimactic. Guess he just couldn't take it.

I walk off. But is Chuck really dead? Find out in: Dial Tone 2: Electric Boogaloo (actual finding out of anything if sequel is actually created not guaranteed)! - 4/5/03

---

Home