Pen Pen's Evangelion
A Pen Pen for your Thoughts
This section will just be for, basically random thoughts and feelings. Since my thought process is mostly random you can probably expect this to be updated frequently. Back to Previous Pennys. Back to Pen Penny.
Diets Abound
With the sudden craze of diets that is sweeping the nation such as Atkins… and well, Atkins, we here at Pen Pen’s Evangelion have decided to cash in on this venture by developing many new diets all at the same time and then patenting them and then bombarding places with books talking about the various diets with skewed statistics about its effectiveness in a new public outreach/moneymaking scheme. Now, on to the diets! Diet number one has been dubbed the cheap person and gum diet. How does it work? That’s simple. First, you have to be cheap, this is an essential key to your dietary success. Second, you have to have gum, but not a lot of gum, just a few pieces all the time. Since you are undeniably cheap, you do not want to waste gum, and since you only have a few pieces, it’d be a hassle to have to go to the store as you charge through gum. So, when you crave food, you think: do I want to waste this piece of gum?
It’s perfect. You will not eat more because you’re cheap! Look for several books by the same phony doctor(s), on stores next quarter (for an unbelievably low price!). On to diet number two, a particularly good one I might add, called the people diet. Now, the key for this is that you actually not be a cannibal. Then you can eat as much people as you want (meaning none), and you won’t gain a pound! You will maintain or gain that thin figure. Of course, when the starvation hits and you might actually get desperate enough to kill someone and eat them, then it kind of backfires, but at that point allow yourself some lettuce or something. That doesn’t really seem to help too much, but it tends to make people think I care about their petty excuses of starvation.
Now, the next one is a new twist on an old classic, Atkins II. Yes, everybody loves sequels. They can’t get enough of them. So why not make a sequel to a diet? It has all the drama and action of the original, only better. Now, what can you do to improve upon a classic? You change the rules, only slightly, focus on a specific group of things. Yes, that’s it. Atkins II will consist of eating… worms! Ha, you weren’t expecting that, were you? Yes, low in carbohydrates and high in protein. It brings a new twist with that certain zest found in reality shows that these people can’t seem to get enough of. It’s surprising enough, and you’ll be surprised what eating nothing but worms can do for your health, with a slight tinkering to the facts of course.
There are others too, do not worry! The pig stew diet, the white chocolate diet, the mud diet, and many more. Dietary obsessed peoples, come unto me and I shall show you a thousand times and a thousand times again different concoctions to make you lose your excess fatty tissue! This is only the beginning. A whole new bloc of diets at your disposal to choose from. There will be no end to my new dietary empire. The majority have the same basic principal, take something you don’t like to eat and make it your primary meal. The simplicity of it is ingenious and then I shall get money and hire people to go on talk shows advertising these new breakthrough diets. And these diets will lead to more diets and then, I will rule the dietary world unchallenged! My name will be shouted, cursed, and praised all at the same time as these diets are discovered, as they succeed, and as they fail and the money of many will be mine! -12/7/03
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