A Pen Pen for your Thoughts

A lion recently had small pellets of gold injected into his back. Well, the lion didn’t arrange it, his zookeepers did. The procedure was done in order to help with arthritis. Apparently gold does more than make women and pirates smile and yar with glee respectively. This bold leap having only been tested on cats and dogs before is a mark of genius and insanity of which only could be accomplished in Rome. In the old days arthritic lions would gladly greet the gladiator’s gladius, but now they’re all “caring” and whatnot. It’s this attitude of caring that’s ruined Rome, Mussolini didn’t care about people and the trains arrived on time. I believe it was Jefferson who said “the tree of dictatorship needs the blood of helpless subjects to grow, look pretty, and prosper.”

Now, I know what you’re thinking: great new fad, right? I can just see all the hip-young and hip-replacement celebrities doing it. I mean, who else is rich enough to have pellets of gold injected into your body in such a way that you don’t even see it. Well, maybe Bill Gates or Stephen Hawking, but Gates would be more likely to turn himself into a cyborg with the latest version of Windows, enduring crash after crash for a year or so until he makes an update patch. And well…Hawking doesn’t have to worry about arthritis in his back

Of course the implications of this to help arthritis are obvious and numerous. Now we'll have to start doing metal detector tests at the senior Olympics. For 50th wedding anniversaries, they’ll go out and get a twofer - gold injections along with botox injections. Celebrities better hope gold doesn't go out of style or that'd be a pain to try and remove them in order to remain with the times. Poor lion, guess he liked that yellow brick road a little too much. Where are our gold injections? Are we not as good as a lion? Am I going to have to make my appointment to get gold injections in Canada’s healthcare system now so I’ll need it when my time comes? Come on Roman Zoo what's your deal.

Who knows in what other ways injections of various metals could benefit us. Perhaps uranium will give us superpowers. Tin will probably make us need a new heart transplant rather quickly, best to avoid that (two Oz references? Oh yes I did). Aluminum could give us the ability to keep fresh long after dead. Copper could make us turn green for Halloween after oxidation. Tungsten, you may think would have to do with tongues, however it’s also known as Wolfrum. Have we found the secret in Wolfrum to creating a wolf man? An army of them perhaps? This opens brave new doors, and the hinges on those doors are every metal imaginable, except Californium, we don’t want any more surfing beach bums. We can test the effects on brave, valiant cats and dogs outside countries that have "animal protection" policies. Who knows, we might have a flying wonderpup come out of the hordes of dead puppies, and wouldn't the cute little cape make it all worth it? -12/12/05