A Pen Pen for your Thoughts

Webmaster: Hi, the Webmaster here, as you just read. Well, I decided since the last interview that I didn't need someone else. So, let's just say due to the magic of science, there are many of "me" here each exhibiting a certain characteristic (although they are not all of my characteristics, that would exceed the budget), that have been enhanced somewhat. It will be sort of a panel type thing, with me leading the discussion. Say hello, everybody.

Insane Webmaster: hmmm

Curious Webmaster: Hello?

Shy Webmaster: …

Evil Webmaster: Greetings.

Webmaster: Who the hell are you?

Therapist: As the reader now knows I am a therapist, here to look after Mr. Webmaster.

Webmaster: The insane one, right?

Therapist: Yes.

Webmaster: Well, that's all that's here right now. We seem to be missing Lazy Webmaster and…

Door opens and in enters Perverted Webmaster.

Webmaster: Oh crap.

Perverted Webmaster proceeds to his chair and…violates it. Webmaster turns away disgusted. Shy Webmaster faints. Evil Webmaster quietly plots. That therapist guy takes notes and looks at inkblots. Insane Webmaster stands up, goes over to Perverted Webmaster, who looks up and is greeted by a mauling. Perverted Webmaster lay dead on the ground.

Webmaster: Thanks, Insane Webmaster.

Insane Webmaster proceeds to consume Perverted Webmaster raw.

Webmaster: That brings up an interesting question. Why does there seem to be an extreme fascination with cannibalism? I'm asking you insane.

Insane Webmaster: (in between bites) Human…flesh…gooooooood.

Webmaster: Well, that's a simple answer. Umm…hey therapist guy, why aren't you stopping him from eating Perverted over there.

Therapist: As I said, I am here to observe.

Webmaster: No, you just said you were here "to look after" him

Therapist: You must have misheard.

Webmaster: Wait one sec (rereads earlier statement) no I was right I didn't mishear.

Therapist: …Um…Why are you so obsessed with cannibalism?

Webmaster: I thought I was the moderator here.

Curious Webmaster: Well? I'm sure we'd all like to know.

Webmaster glares at Curious who looks back innocently. Webmaster forces a cough, all stare at him. Insane looks up from eating Perverted. Webmaster makes eye contact with Insane and gives a small nod. Insane Webmaster smiles and jumps on Curious.

Webmaster: Am I correct in assuming no one else will ask questions but I from now on?

Therapist gets back to ink blots. Evil is still plotting and Curious lay on the ground.

Webmaster: Well, curiosity killed the cat.

Curious Webmaster: Satisfaction brought it back.

Webmaster: Damn, I thought you were dead.

Curious Webmaster: (while picking up severed arm) Without me this little Pen Penny doesn't exist. Who did you expect would ask the questions?

Webmaster: Well, I sort of thought the therapist guy over there would take charge.

Curious Webmaster: No, he won't. I'm not sure why you put him in this.

Webmaster: I concur.

Webmaster snaps his fingers and the therapist is attacked by Insane.

Webmaster: By the way

Therapist: (rudely interrupting the great Webmaster) Help! No! Stop!

Webmaster glares at him. The piercing glare silences him with fear. Although seeing Insane with a large scythe may have helped. To be short, no more therapist.

Webmaster: As I was saying, you don't seem to be too curious, Curious.

Curious Webmaster: Oh…well…whom are you asking?

Webmaster: You're supposed to be curious not stupid.

Curious Webmaster: Oh yeah. (Voice suddenly becomes deep) Well, it seems you have found me out.

Webmaster: …

Curious Webmaster: I suppose I shall reveal my true self (removes Halloween mask, was that always there?)

Webmaster: No, it can't be.

Curious (or not so Curious) Webmaster: Yes, it is I. The Therapist!

Webmaster: Noooooooooooooooo! …Hey, than who was that then?

All except for the therapist gather around the corpse and pull of another mask to reveal a gagged Curious.

Shy Webmaster: Hey, wait a minute. How could he have been talking if he was gagged?

Therapist: …

Webmaster: …

Therapist: Um…I threw my voice?

Shy Webmaster: No, I distinctly remember his lips moving.

Webmaster: Aren't you supposed to be shy? Be quiet.

Shy Webmaster: In fact I remember something like this from a movie.

Webmaster: No you don't.

Shy Webmaster: Yes, I remember it was Mission Impossi-

Pause for lawsuits to be filed from the makers of a certain movie.

Webmaster: Hello. Well, it seems that I well…that was taking us nowhere and was not leading to any questions and…

Evil Webmaster: He sort of copied a movie. (Whispers) As according to my plan.

Webmaster: What?

Evil Webmaster: Nothing. (Returns to plotting)

Webmaster: Anyone have any questions?

Curious Webmaster: I do, what is the cause for your recent interest in the Fan Fic section? After all you have recently added a guide and such.

Webmaster: Good question. In fact I was just thinking that as I typed it. Well, my recent interest is due to the fact that I have been reading a lot of Eva fan fiction.

Curious Webmaster: Ah, I see. Sex fiend.

Webmaster: Hey, I don't only read le- I mean, I don't read lemons.

Curious Webmaster: Sure.

Webmaster: No really.

Curious Webmaster: Do you have any made by you in planning?

Webmaster: Well, I have some ideas and I am thinking about trying it. The only question is if I can keep something going with characters in context over a somewhat long period of time.

Curious Webmaster: Well, you don't have a chance then. I mean look at the cheap stunt you pulled earlier in this Pen Penny.

Webmaster: … (angry dots)

Curious Webmaster: Anyway, what is with the lax of content in this section?

Webmaster: What do you mean by that?

Curious Webmaster: Well, with this Pen Penny it makes four in a row without an actual outside topic not relating to your site.

Webmaster: Well, I haven't seen any good news topics that really gave me a good idea.

Curious Webmaster: Valid answer, or is it that you have just spent all your time reading lemons.

Webmaster: Ye- No! Hey, that was not fair.

Curious Webmaster: I think it was.

Webmaster: Do you have some desire to be deleted?

Curious Webmaster: Oh no, I'm just curious. It's my nature. I thought even you would be able to figure that out considering my name. You really are dense.

Webmaster: Die!!

Curious Webmaster starts to painfully deteriorate while Webmaster laughs maliciously at his situation. Once again, due to the Webmaster's foolishness, the whole thing starts over again.

Webmaster: Who typed that? (Peers around room)

Shy Webmaster: I think Evil did it.

Evil Webmaster: Muwahahahaha … No, I did not.

Webmaster: I'm getting tired of this crap. No confessions?

Silence.

Webmaster: Then Die!!

All others in the room suddenly fade away. Once again it starts over.

Webmaster: How come you didn't die?

What do you mean?

Webmaster: I meant everyone to die, except for me of course.

You're not supposed to notice these little typings.

Webmaster: Why not?

I'm not a character you idiot!

Webmaster: Who are you then?

You realize this stopped being an interview.

Webmaster: Well, I have no one else to talk to.

And why is that?

Webmaster: I killed them all. Can you bring them back so I can finish this?

No.

Webmaster: Damn. Oh well, on the bright side, if the interview never finishes I can always make another unfunny interview thing part 3.

Well maybe. Of course by then most people would know to steer away from these interviews due to their unfunny nature. Also, you only asked, what three questions?

Webmaster: True, but hey I added a lot of deadwood with this pointless ending.

You've really gotten good at wasting the reader's time.

Webmaster: It's a gift. -7/10/02