A Pen Pen for your Thoughts

101. I like to beat cabbages when they're young, because then they get cabbage lawyers and I have more cabbage to eat.

102. I'm drowning in boredom! Throw me some sort of preserver of fun and pull me aboard the PT Party Boat. Cuz I'm a happening guy.

103. If a turtle and a large wooden hat in the shape of a turtle (turtle hats we call them here in France) met on a beach, well then, the turtle would be mighty peeved.

104. Corn flakes are healthiest and most delectable when served with a plate of slightly toasted revenge and a side of asparagus.

105. The best gift that two dollars can buy is a used soundtrack to American Gladiators, while two-fifty can buy you a small country that may contain a used soundtrack of American Gladiators.

106. Pineapples are naturally exceptional pilots but they often have problems with landing and reaching the foot pedals.

107. Gopher holes will one day be used to bring peace to the Middle East.

108. The most interesting thing about the species of nerd that refer to themselves as “Webmaster” in the third person is their nonexistent mating habits.

109. Despite what you would think, the country of Monaco does not excel in making monocles, monocycles, monothematic literature, monologues, monorails or the Monopoly game.

110. The way to really get your pet buffalo to shine is to coat their body with Fuzzy Wuzzy Brown crayons and bake at a cool 280 degrees for twenty minutes.

111. The Wisconsin Homecare Organization is the world’s largest criminal enterprise that specializes in cow-tipping, narrowly beating out the Knocking Over Cows Club.

112. The American Mathamatical Society obviously has a spelling problem.

113. The most common theme in all works of literature is the tendency to use words.

114. One day all manners and common courtesy will be forsaken by the majority of the world, that year will be 1996.

115. The art of making cardboard boxes was first mastered by the Phoenicians right before they were overtaken by the tyrant warlord King Arthur in 1763.

116. In order to step into another dimension one must first hit themselves with some sort of blunt, heavy object that is not a tomato or a motorcycle and then jump up and down ten times while singing “Mary Had A Little Lamb.”

117. The Coffee Mug Scandal of 1843 was covered up after the rich mogul Mr. Coffee was elected Axe Throwing Champion of the Midwest.

118. The greatest coupon ever made was lost to the world in a tragic skiing accident in which the coupon did not heed safety protocol.

119. According to a little known subsection of the U.S. Constitution, it’s a federal crime to wear red on Tuesdays if the weather forecast calls for partly cloudy skies with a small chance of showers, but through the unspecific phrasing of “small chance“ a legal loophole has been created for these criminals.

120. It became obvious that the scientific community had problems naming individual asteroids after the asteroid called “Bringer of Death and Destruction” brought only slightly burnt cookies. - 7/18/04