Most male Gundam pilots are revered as powerful men, who give no concern for his fellow man…or woman. Normal men cannot help but respect a male Gundam pilot for his incredible ability to remain strong even when being drenched from head to toe in the tears of a normal woman.
The year is After Colony 195, and peace has fallen over the Earth, only because this is a mere fan-fiction that has nothing to do with the actual story line.
The Gundam Wing draped back its titanic wings as the camera panned out over the Planet Earth. The Sun’s rays reflected off of the Gundam, blinding it from the oncoming assault of the Gundam Deathscythe Hell, which slapped it with its Beam Scythe, and immediately assumed the spread-eagle position that Gundam Wing is notorious for at the beginning of an episode.
DUM DUM DUN DUN DUM DUM DADADA DAAAAAAAA!
MOBILE SUIT GUNDAM WING:
SHINIGAMI’S GIFT
By: L. Curtis Totty
"That blasted alarm clock," thought Duo. "I really should destroy it." The pilot of the Gundam Deathscythe Hell leered at the clock until it stopped ringing.
"That’s funny," said Duo. "Usually, I don’t set the alarm clock to go off unless I have something important to do. Let’s see…what’s today?" He grabbed his calendar, and scratched the previous day off. "Okay, today’s May 9th," said Duo. His eyes were still too puffy to read what he had written on May 9th, but he knew that there were a bunch of red arrows pointing to it.
Duo walked into his bathroom, and began to brush his teeth. "Strange…what’s supposed to happen on May 9th?" asked Duo. "Maybe I’m supposed to kill someone today…that must be it…" Duo walked back into his bedroom, and looked again at his calendar. He was finally able to read what it said.
"OH NO! I CAN’T BELIEVE I FORGOT!" cried Duo. He frantically grabbed his clothes and hurled them on over his head. He grabbed his collar and put it on around his neck, did a Hail Mary, and dashed out of his bedroom. "I’M SUCH A DUMBASS! I FORGOT ALL ABOUT HILDE’S BIRTHDAY!"
Duo scrambled out of his apartment and dashed down the street of the Sanc Kingdom, towards the country’s largest mall, Malliardo. "I’m sure to find something good for Hilde here!" thought Duo, as he rushed to find a store to get something for her. "Maybe she could use a new beret…"
Then he saw it, the Ultra Beret 2000, right there in the window! "YES!" Then he saw what store it was in…Lewinsky’s Basement. "Oh…" Then he saw the deal they were offering: Buy one item of lingerie, and a novelty condom, and get the Ultra Beret 2000 free! "YES!" Then he saw Chang Wufei in the store. "Oh…huh?"
"Which of these would look good on Sally Po?" asked Wufei, to himself.
"Wufei?" asked Duo.
…
Wufei grabbed Duo, and dragged him into the store’s men’s bathroom. "DON’T YOU UTTER A WORD OF THIS TO ANYONE? YOU HEAR ME?"
"What’s that?" asked Duo.
"It’s this novelty contraceptive. They call it the Condom Gundam "Nataku," and I...SHUT UP!"
Duo had to stifle a laugh, as a man tried to enter the stall, and found Wufei and Duo.
"Don’t laugh at me, Duo! This is the first time that I’ve ever felt this way about someone and I…uh, hello there…"
The man merely said "Hi."
Duo tried to explain. "This isn’t, um…"
"Hey, is this a private party or can anyone join?" asked the man. The Gundam pilots began to sweat.
"Well, I got the Condom Deathscythe Fill, and this nearly-invisible…thing, and the Ultra Beret 2000, but it’s still not enough! I must have a GRAND GIFT! THE GRANDEST GIFT! A GRAND-TABULOUS, SIMPLY FABULOUS GIFT!" said Duo, as a bevy of onlookers stared at him. "Uh…forget about it."
Duo looked at his watch, and saw that it was already 11:53. "Gundamn! Hilde’s party is at 6:00! I’ve got to find a present fast!" Unfortunately, Duo came across the Food Court. "Well, I guess I have time for a little snack!"
"Mmm…fruit smoothie…" said Duo. "Okay, that’s enough snacking! Time to keep shopping!"
Suddenly, Duo looked over and saw a strange woman wearing a large hat and sunglasses inhaling a foot-long hot dog, getting mustard all over her face. "Relena?"
Relena’s eyes darted towards Duo. "HEY, RELENA!"
Everyone looked over at Duo and Relena. "You bastard…" said Relena. "I’ll kill you for this." She jumped out of her seat, and dashed off.
Duo finished the hot dog just as he neared a computer store. In front of it was a man standing on top of a large podium with a loudspeaker in hand, talking about the newest product. Duo decided to take a gander.
"Step right up, folks! Step right up!" said the promoter. "I have here with me the most revolutionary computer program ever created! You there! What’s your name, son?"
"Uh…Duo…"
"Well, I’m going to call you Ross. Now, Barry, you and I have never met before, have we?"
"Um…no…"
"Then how is it that I have YOUR WALLET!" The crowd applauded as the promoter displayed Duo’s wallet.
"But that wallet’s not mi…"
"Now, Ricky, you look like a Gundam pilot to me," said the promoter.
"Yeah, but…"
"Well, I have here just the thing that you need," he said. "With Mobile Suit Controller Version 4.5 you can control your Gundam Deathscythe Hell from the outside!"
"How did you know my…"
"Now…stay with me, Jenny…would you say that you spend too much time in your Gundam that you could be spending doing more wholesome things such as eating, sleeping, and stealing?" he asked.
"Well, I…"
"With the Mobile Suit Controller Version 4.5, you could be destroying wave after wave of Mobile Dolls while spending some quality time with your girlfriend, Lucrezia!"
"Now, wait just a second there…"
"That’s right, friends! Buy Mobile Suit Controller Version 4.5, the only Mobile Suit remote system endorsed by Johnny Cochran, pilot of the Gundam Deathscythe Hell!"
"Hold up…" It was too late. The promoter’s cogent blonde-hair and white teeth had already subdued the non-Mobile Suit pilots. They ransacked the store, grabbing copies of Mobile Suit Controller Version 4.5, and stuffing the guy’s mouth with dollar bills.
"Thanks a lot, Duo," said the promoter, as he removed his hat, revealing his identity.
"Quatre?" asked Duo.
"WHAZAAAAAAAAAAAAAP?" demanded Quatre.
"What the hell are you doing?" asked Duo.
"Hey, a brother’s got to get a little something-something, right? I mean, couldn’t we all use a little mo’ scrill?" asked Quatre.
"…" said Duo. He looked at his copy of Mobile Suit Controller Version 4.5, and came up with an excellent idea. "I’m going to have to recruit the help of the other Gundams!"
"Hey, Heero!" shouted Duo.
Heero leered out of hees weendow and growled at Duo. "I’ll be right back, Dorothy. Stay sexy! WHAT DO YOU WANT, DUO?"
"I need to borrow the Gundam Wing Zero!" said Duo.
"What for?" asked Heero.
"It’s a surprise, now make with the keys!" said Duo. Heero threw the keys down at Duo, who caught them just as they were about to stab him in the eye.
"Gundamn it, he caught them!" growled Heero. "Okay, just make sure you don’t scuff the paint job! (Shinigami my ass!)"
"Thanks, Heero!" said Duo.
"So this is what it’s like to be in the cockpit of the Gundam Wing Zero," said Duo, as he sat down. "I wonder what the Zero System can…THE POWERS OF SATAN CONTROL YOU!" Duo immediately stood up.
Duo stared at the seat of the Gundam Wing Zero. "Cool…remind me to put you in the Deathscythe!" He sat down again. "What’s that, Wing Zero? The Libra is very fat?"
"According to the Deathscythe’s sensors, Wufei should be right around here," said Duo. He landed his Gundam outside of a large television studio.
"Wufei? What are you doing here?" asked Duo.
"I’m going to be on Challenge of the Child Geniuses: Who is the Smartest Kid in America?" asked Wufei.
"But aren’t you a little old…?"
"SHUT UP, DUO!" yelled Wufei. "Whoops, it’s my turn. This kid is mine! You can get ‘Nataku’ as soon as I win." Wufei stepped out onto the set, where he met Dick Clark, and his opponent, Clark Dick…okay, so I couldn’t come up with any other names!
"Now, Chang Wufei is a…Gundam pilot," said Dick. "For the viewers at home, Wufei, what exactly is a Gundam?"
"That," said Wufei, as he pointed to the Altron Gundam "Nataku," which stood right next to the podium.
"Uh…okay," said Dick. "Clark Dick, what’s your claim to fame?"
"Uh…I have an IQ of 276," said Clark. "Oh, and I got a score of 1800 on the SATs.
"But a perfect score is 1600," said Dick.
"Your point is?" asked Clark.
"Okay, what else do you do?" asked Dick.
"Um…" said Clark. "That’s all!" He let out a small chuckle. His parents in the audience put bags over their heads.
"…What, that’s it?" asked Dick. "No multiple languages, no pets, no musical instrument, no acceptances to Harvard, Yale, and Princeton?"
"Uh…"
"Go sit down," said Dick.
"Wait a minute, Dick," said Wufei. "I want to see how good this kid really is!"
"Uh…okay," said Dick. "Are you ready for your first question?"
Clark slammed down on the buzzer. "YES!"
"Right…" said Dick. "Here is your question…"
Clark buzzed in again. "TELL ME THE QUESTION!"
"Okay, but could you be a little patient?" asked Dick.
Clark buzzed in. "NO!"
"Whatever," said Dick. "The question is…
What is the name of the external female genitalia?"
Clark froze in his place. "I…thought…you weren’t…covering…that subject…" He fainted.
"Pre-pubescent punk. His parents will probably beat him when he gets home," scoffed Wufei, as he buzzed in. "That would be the ‘vulva,’ Dick…and don’t anyone dare laugh!"
"Uh…okay," said Dick.
"Well, it looks like I won," said Wufei.
"But, Wufei, we still have a few rounds…"
"I SAID ‘I WON,’" insisted Wufei, as the set’s spotlights came on the Altron Gundam again.
"Yes, sir…" said Dick.
"HEY, WUFEI!" shouted Duo.
"What?" asked Wufei.
"THANKS FOR LETTING ME BORROW THE ALTRON!" said Duo, as "Nataku" took off through the roof.
"Oh no…"
"GET HIM!"
"GUNDAMN YOU, DUO! I’LL GET YOU FOR THIS!"
"Oh Gundam Heavyarms! I love you!" said Quatre, from within his Gundam Sandrock. He exited his Gundam, and jumped into the Heavyarms. "And I love you, too, Gundam Sandrock!"
"Uh, Quatre?" asked Duo, as Quatre reentered the Sandrock.
"Marry me, Heavyarms!" said Quatre. Suddenly, Quatre’s body shifted to the Heavyarms. "Yes! Yes! I will! Kiss me, you fool!" Quatre went back to the Sandrock, which leaned in towards the Heavyarms.
"Um, Quatre?" asked Duo.
"Stupid Gundams and their mouth deficiencies!" growled Quatre.
"Quatre?"
"WHAT IS IT, DUO?" yelled Quatre. "CAN’T YOU SEE THAT I’M PLAYING WITH MY MOBILE DOLLS?"
"But those are Suits…" said Duo. "Forget it. Can I borrow these Gundams?"
"You can borrow Gundam Sandrock, but you’ll have to ask Trowa for the Heavyarms," said Quatre.
"Hey, if he let you do this with his Gundam…"
"Actually, he doesn’t know about this…" said Quatre, smiling evilly.
"…Oooooookayyyyyyyyyy…" said Duo. "Where is Trowa, anyway?"
"Right over there," said Quatre, pointing.
"I’ll never love anyone as much as you," said Trowa. "Let us be married and live together forever in outer space. Let me kiss you!" Trowa kissed his mirror.
"Um, Trowa?" asked Duo.
"Pleasure me," said Trowa, as the mirror moved down his chest to his navel and then…
"TROWA!" yelled Duo.
"Huh? Oh, yes. What is it, Duo?" said Trowa. Duo sighed with exasperation.
"I need to borrow the Heavyarms," said Duo. ("And probably a mop…")
"Sure, you can," said Trowa. Duo backed away towards the Heavyarms. "Now, where were we?" Trowa asked to his mirror.
Duo began to program his Gundam Deathscythe Hell, glancing back and forth from Mobile Suit Controller Version 4.5 and MTV’s Total Request Live…
"Happy birthday, Hilde!" said Duo. "I have a few special presents for you!" He handed her a box filled with the Ultra Beret 2000 along with some other important items. He was too embarrassed to see her open them.
"Thanks a lot, Duo," said Hilde, as she began to open them.
"Uh…but first, I’m going to perform for you!" said Duo.
"Ooh…a performance?" asked Hilde.
"Uh…not that kind of performance," chuckled Duo. "I am, after all, a man of faith!" He pointed to his collar.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAH! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! AHAHAHAHAH! AHAH!" laughed Hilde.
"But Hilde," said Duo, as he pressed a button behind his back, and a large curtain drew back, revealing the Gundam Deathscythe Hell carrying a Beam Scythe that had been modified into some sort of electric guitar. "Everyone knows that…
YOU’VE GOTTA HAVE FAITH!
GOTTA HAVE FAITH!
GOTTA HAVE FAIIIIIIIIIIIITH!"
The Gundam Deathscythe Hell proceeded to play hard rock and do the head-bang, as per Duo’s programming. After about four minutes of…that, Duo was panting. Another curtain opened, and the other four Gundams appeared behind the Deathscythe, which put away its Beam Scythe.
"…" said Hilde.
"This is your special day, Hilde! The day THAT MAKES YOU LARGER THAN DEATHSCYTHE!" The Gundams began to dance around.
"ALL YOU GUNDAMS CAN’T YOU SEE,
CAN’T YOU SEE?
HOW YOUR GUN'S AFFECTING OUR REALITY! EVERYTIME WE’RE DOWN, YOU CAN MAKE IT RIGHT, AND THAT MAKES YOU LARGER THAN DEATHSCYTHE!"
"…" said Hilde.
"You know, Hilde, nowadays, just about everyone thinks they can pilot a Gundam! But only us trained professionals can do it!" said Duo, as the other Gundams disappeared, except for the Deathscythe Hell, which was wearing sunglasses, bellbottom pants, Afro wigs, platform shoes, and those giant metal chain necklaces with medallions that rappers wear.
"YOU WANNA BE A MOBILE SUIT STAR!
AND FIGHT LARGE!
THE GUNDAMS!
FIVE GUNS!
YOU’RE IN CHARGE!
COMING UP IN THE WORLD, CAN’T TRUST NOBODY
GOTTA LOOK OVER YOUR WINGS CONSTANTLY!
TO BE A MOBILE SUIT STAR!
AND FIGHT LARGE!
THE GUNDAMS!
FIVE GUNS!
YOU’RE IN CHARGE!
COMING UP IN THE WORLD, CAN’T TRUST NOBODY
GOTTA LOOK OVER YOUR WINGS CONSTANTLY!"
"You know, sometimes, a lot of people think it’s the good life, being a Gundam pilot, but for real though, it can get pretty hard," said Trowa, in an interview done previously.
Duo was sweating profusely, as the Gundams had all collapsed on the ground.
"You know, Hilde," said Duo. "Life can get tough when you're out there in your Gundam in space, all alone. Sometimes, us Gundam pilots have to fulfill our needs!
YOU AND ME BABY AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT GUNDAMS SO LET'S DO IT LIKE THEY DO ON THE CARTOON NETWORK CHANNEL!
YOU AND ME BABY AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT GUNDAMS SO LET'S DO IT LIKE THEY DO ON THE CARTOON NETWORK CHANNEL!"
The Gundam Deathscythe Hell began to make pelvic-thrusting motions, and other lewd dances, while Duo did the Macarena. At last, the Dance of the Gundams was over, and Duo was having six simultaneous heart attacks.
"So…" he coughed. "What did you think?"
"WOW!" yelled Hilde.
"Yeah, it was good, wasn’t it?" asked Duo.
"AN ULTRA BERET 2000!" yelled Hilde, as she tried it on. "AND IT’S JUST MY SIZE!"
"Huh?" cried Duo. "But, what about my performance? What about the song parodies? Were you paying attention? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT COST TO GET AN AFRO WIG THE SIZE OF THE MOON?"
"Song parodies?" asked Hilde, bewildered. Duo fell down in typical animé fashion.
"So exhausted…" moaned Duo.
"Wow, what a sexy…nearly invisible thing! And a Condom Deathscythe Fill!" exclaimed Hilde, as Duo slept. "Hey, Duo…wanna put these to good use?"
"YOU BET I DO!" yelled Duo, jumping up. Together, they climbed into the Gundam Deathscythe Hell, where the Shinigami lived up to his name!
THE E…Hold it right there!
"What?" asked Duo. "Who dares?"
"I DARE!" yelled Relena. "I swore I'd pay you back for publicly embarrassing me, Duo! Say hello to the GUNDAM PEACECRAFT!"
"GUNDAM PEACECRAFT?" cried Duo. "But how could a Gundam have been created by a member of the Peacecraft family?"
"Apparently, my father, King Peacecraft thought it necessary for the Sanc Kingdom to have a line of defense just in case! SHINÉ, SHINIGAMI!" The Gundam Peacecraft pointed a giant, heart-shaped energy cannon at Duo and Hilde, and fired!
"Goodbye, Duo," said Relena. She prepared to leave, when she saw that the Gundam Deathscythe Hell was still standing. "WHAT?"
"Oh, I don't want to fight you, Relena!" said Duo, with a very happy expression on his face. "I could never fight you! You are my friend!"
"What?" asked Relena. "Gundamn it! This is no weapon! It fires some sort of Love Ray!"
"Come on, Hilde! Let's Eskimo-kiss!" said Duo. They rubbed their noses together.
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!" screamed Relena. The Gundam Peacecraft flew away.
"Whew, that was a close one," said Hilde. "Okay, get back on me!"
77"<
DUN DUN DADA-DUN DUN! DUM DUM DADA-DUM!
Next time, on "Mobile Suit: Gundam Wing"…Chang Wufei has been defeated in the show "Challenge of the Child Geniuses." He prepares to go home, sadly, to his colony, where he receives an unwelcome welcome by the students in his former martial arts school. Fortunately, Sally Po rescues him, and together, they KILL ALL HUMANS!
Next time, on "Gundam Wing" Episode 195… "Theere's Sometheeng About Heero."