Jerry: "Thank you and welcome to the show. Tonight our guests are going to be surprised by secret crushes. Our first guest is Carrot Glace from the Spooner Continent. How are you today, Carrot?"

Carrot: "Absolutely marvelous as always, Jerry."

"Jerry: "Now it says in your bio that you are the Spooner Continent's #1 love machine. Is this true?"

Carrot: "Well, I don't mean to brag, but…Yes!"

Jerry: "Then you must have a lot of lovely ladies with crushes on you. As you know, someone is going to admit his or her crush on you tonight. Do you have any idea who it is?"

Carrot: "Oh god, if Chocolate is behind here…" (hides under chair)

Jerry: "Well, let's bring out Carrot's crush…"

The curtains open to reveal a very feminine purple haired man in women's clothing. He runs over to Carrot and jumps in his lap.

Carrot: "Milphey!!!!"

Milphey: "Hello, Carrot dear."

"Carrot: "Get off of me!" (Tries to push a groping Milphey away from him.)

Milphey pulls up a chair beside Carrot. The audience boos.

Audience: "Booooooooo!!"

Milphey flips them off.

Jerry: "So Milphey, how long have you had a crush on Carrot?"

Milphey: "Well, as long as I can remember. I had a crush on his father too. They are both such studs. His brother is pretty hot too. Hell, I want them all…but I want you, Carrot, more." (Makes kissy face at Carrot)

Carrot: "Milphey, you're a freak. What the hell is wrong with you? Have you looked in your pants lately? You're a man! A man! Act like a man!"

Large woman in audience: "Yeah, you transvestite freak!!!"

Milphey: "You are just jealous because I am more woman now than you will ever be."

Large woman: "Why you $#!t FU(%*r (o(k L!(%*R!" (Large woman leaps from her seat and rushes to the stage. She is held back by Jerry's huge bouncer, Steve. Jerry hides in the audience.)

Jerry: "Well then."

Large woman: "I'll show you what a real woman looks like…" (lifts her shirt and exposes her equally large chest.)

Carrot: "Oh god! My eyes! I'm blind!"

Milphey: "Sit, down. You're embarrassing yourself."

Steve escorts ballistic woman backstage.

Jerry: "Our next guest also has a crush on Carrot. Let's all meet Chocolate."

Chocolate waves to the audience as she comes out. Audience boos. She also sits beside Carrot.

Chocolate: "Hello, Darling."

Carrot: "Oh god. This is a nightmare."

Chocolate: "Darling, when will you ever learn that we were meant to be together?"

A surprise guest comes from behind backstage and jumps up before them.

Tira: "Not if I have anything to say about it!!"

Carrot: "Not Tira too. Someone kill me please. Just stick a bullet in my head."

Milphey: "Carrot, you look so cute when your face is all red like that. (Tries to kiss Carrot)

Chocolate: "Darling, what are you doing with another man?"

Tira: "Get him!"

Both girls lunge at Carrot, but bouncers step between them and Carrot. Carrot picks up a chair and throws it. Milphey sits there watching the show.

Jerry: "I'm afraid we have to go to commercial."

After the commercial:

Jerry: "Welcome back. Our show today is secret crushes. Our first guest was Carrot who has three crushes that showed up on our stage today. Our next guest is Carrot's brother, Marron."

Audience: "Booooooo!!!!"

Marron walks out, confused at why everyone is booing already.

Nerdy man in audience: "Get off the stage, you freak!"

Extra nerdy man: "Yeah, this isn't the drag queen show!"

Marron: "But I'm not a drag queen."

Nerdy man: "You and the freak over there should get together! You both look like girls!"

Milphey smiles at Marron whose sweat drops.

Jerry: "Anyway, Marron, do you have any idea who called you to the show?"

Marron: "No."

Jerry: "Then let's waste no time bringing them out."

A large muscular man walks across the stage. Marron sits on the edge of his seat.

Marron: "Gateau?!?"

Gateau: "Marron."

Carrot: "This is all really messed up."

Audience: "Queer! Fag!!"

Gateau: "What is with this audience? Can't you people have an open mind?"

Jerry: "Gateau, is there anything you'd like to say to Marron?"

Gateau: "Yes there is, Jerry." (Turns to a stunned Marron) "I have been meaning to tell you this for a long time, but I just never had the guts. I know we've worked together for a long time, and I think you are my best friend on this whole team. But it's more than that. I think you are one of the most beautiful people I've ever seen…inside and out. I love you, Marron."

Marron is still stunned.

Milphey: "What a beautiful speech." (Wipes a tear from his eye.)

Carrot: "Gateau, are you nuts?"

Audience: "Queer! Fag!"

Gateau: "Shut up! Who are you to judge me? I am more man than anyone in this audience!" (Gets up, rips off his shirt and starts flexing. Several females and a few males scream for him to take it all off."

Milphey: "This is why I had Big Mama transport me to Chicago."

Jerry: "And now for another commercial break."

After commercial--

Jerry: "Any comments or questions from the audience?"

Old woman: "Yes. This is for the skinny boy in the tank top. Which one are you going to pick?"

Carrot: (looks at everyone one the stage, who in turn is staring at him.) "I don't want to pick. Just everyone leave me alone! All I can say is I'm definitely not picking Milphey."

Milphey: (makes a sad face) "You don't know what you are missing, lover."

Chocolate: "Darling, we could make such beautiful children together."

Tira: "Chocolate, behave yourself."

Tall middle aged man: "This one is for Marron. Are you really a woman?"

Marron: "No. I'm a man."

Middle aged man: "Then are you thinking of having a sex change?"

Marron: "No."

Middle aged man: "That's all. Thank you."

Loud girl with twisty hair: "All ya all up there think you are all that! Well you ain't all that! I'm all that, ya hear? Do ya know what I'm sayin'? You get your b!t(h @$$es up here and take me on, ya hear? I'll take ya all on, ya freaks! Especially you, drag queen mutha lovin' hoochie."

Milphey: "What the hell did she just say to me?"

Carrot shrugs.

Jerry: (goes to his little spot for his little speech.) "We all have people who care about us, but when some of your friends reveal that they have a crush on you, it may change your relationship forever. We must know how to deal with these people, whoever they may be, with respect and care. Take care of yourself and each other."

We love you, Jerry!