Well, upon having trouble working on DDN yet again, I went online to chat with some friends, just to discover, that even after everything, there are still morons in the KaioShin fandom. How unfortunate...::evil fanged grin:: that I discovered they still exist.

Quite honestly, I don't have time to come online and constantly find that these little demons are taking over everything and upsetting the real artists, writers, and fans. That's just insane, and not in the good way, either.

So...in retaliation, I decided I would do a little piece of writing that I had been thinking of for some time.

Warnings: Satire! If you are an obsessed fan-girl who thinks Shin, or any character is yours, don't read this, for it will go right over your head. A self-insert.... O.o An actual Mary Sue..._^_ named, Mary, naturally. Violence! For shame! And shameless cussing and cursing! Oh the horror! Shounen-ai! What else did you expect from me! Defiling of KaioShin's gentle, sweet nature. ::GASP:: It had to be done. And the biggest insult to the fan-girl threat. Get over it, you're not even a concern. =P

Am I nice?! No, of course not! ^^!! I'm an evil bitch, and for those of you who don't like it, I will merely refer you to the Sae result I got on one of the character quizzes I took. _^_ Wow! Some people actually like me. In fact, a lot of people do. Scary thought, huh? If I was so evil, and such a witch, then how come I have so many wonderful, trustworthy, dependable, loyal, and courageous friends. Friends I'm proud of. Friends I will fight and stand up for, no matter the battle. You can always believe what you want to believe, but certain things, like truth, and a person's real character, shine through with time. ^^! 

Now...I'm dedicating this to Rivka, and Ayame, mostly...Datura, perhaps, and Kioku, if it makes her laugh even in the least bit. _^_ I'm feeling just a tad naughty tonight, so I thought I would rile up the fandom. Gomen! This is what would happen if KaioShin was just like those fan-girlish, annoying, self-inserting, vile destroyers of all that is pure got their way.

Hades Welcomes the Assistant

(title courtesy of Rivka's great titling mind!) 

(8-13-2)

Kibito awoke from a deep slumber to find the normally busy mansion on KaioShin-Kai quite empty, and too quiet. KaioShin was normally up way before this hour, determined to work on one thing or another, or learn another hobby of sorts. Or he was running around wanting to save this planet, or that one. Normal universal guardian habits.

But this morning was abnormal. There was no KaioShin to be found. Kibito explored the living quarters from top to bottom, desperately in search in search of his other half, praying he was sensing wrong, and KaioShin was merely invisible to his mind and hard at work somewhere in the mansion. Yet, alas, KaioShin and his ki remained out of Kibito's reach, and the guardian headed to a dark room to look for KaioShin's ki on the universal map. 

Once outside, the assistant noticed something rather odd about the usually calm KaioShin-Kai. For one thing, the sky was actually dark. Kibito stopped, baffled, frozen to the core. In the dark, blood red sky, each of the moons circling the planet were covered in a crimson blanket, dripping in the macabre celestial massacre. Now Kibito knew something was definitely wrong, and a sudden panic attack of the fearful, "I should have stayed in bed" disease started to overwhelm the ever faithful Kibito, but he continued on in search of KaioShin.

A quick look at the universal map, with planets fading, only brought on more terror. Kibito was beyond horrified, passing into the warped forever, morbid fascination with death may occur stage of being tormented. Something had gone horribly wrong; but where?

Rushing through the outdoors as fast he could possibly go, Kibito ran for the safety of the mansion, and started looking for any clue as to how this ghastly slaughter of planets and stars had come to be. But nothing was to be fond. The mansion was clean...a little too clean. It was missing KaioShin!

Kibito's heart ran cold. No KaioShin. Universe dying?

He put everything together, to one horrific conclusion that almost drove him mad.

"KaioShin-sama?"

No.... Kibito tried his best not to think that his precious deity would befall a terrifying fate without him. How could he sleep through such an appalling death? How the hell did someone get to KaioShin-Kai to kill him? Why would anyone want to hurt that gentle, harmless god anyway? Kibito was confused, and close to tears. His one reason for living was most likely gone, and he had failed to protect him. It was the worst way to the end the universe, in his opinion. Depressed, Kibito slouched into a couch and waited for the end to swallow him whole.

"Hey! Kibito! What are you doing just sitting here?"

Who the heck on KaioShin-Kai talked like that? Easy. No one.

Puzzled, Kibito turned, to find his Higashi willingly decked out in jeans, a leather jacket, and a black shirt. Kibito frowned, truly twisted by the entire mess. KaioShin was not dead. Kibito was thrilled and cheering in his mind. But, there was something very askew with this picture.

From behind KaioShin stepped out a long legged, perfectly proportioned, honey coloured hair, green eyed, obviously ripped from a playboy magazine, female. 

This was worse then KaioShin being dead. No wonder the universe was going to hell.

Kibito merely blinked at the girl, sick to his stomach. Now, was he supposed to be happy to meet her, or what? 

"Kibito, meet Mary! Isn't she the most beautiful thing in the universe?"

Biting his tongue, Kibito did not say a thing, but to himself he muttered, 'Not really....' 

"Well, say 'Hello!'"

"I think not! Higashi no KaioShin! Do you realize the universe is in ruins! It needs to be tended to, and we need to find the cause of this and exterminate the infliction before it causes a cosmic melt down!" Kibito yelled at the smaller being, hoping the usage of his former title would emphasize the importance of the matter, as well as chastise the younger being.

KaioShin shrugged everything off with his hand physically displaying his lack of concern on the matter. "Get Goku to do it."

Angered, Kibito's jaw dropped open. Wasn't he even going to be serious about *THIS?* 

"I've got better things to do, like take Mary shopping," KaioShin purred, taking Mary's hand and leading her out the door.

"WHAT?!!" Enraged, the assistant tried to contain his fiery emotions, but like a time bomb, he was getting to explode, and hopefully, take this Mary with him. If not, he could at least leave her badly scarred.

Completely ignoring the guardian, KaioShin and Mary headed out the door, Kibito still wondering where things went so wrong.

"I need help...." Kibito pitifully stated, his fire and determination leaving him. 

A slight noise from the kitchen caught Kibito's attention, and he decided he would investigate. Quietly, he snuck in, to find a Chibi cat-girl with freeing a mouse outside. 

She turned back into the house, her red hair a glaring scarlet courtesy of the sky, and then the door closed, and Kibito could only stare.

"I didn't mean that kind of help!"

The cat-girl gladly gave Kibito her middle finger, silently telling him where he could shove his problem. "No gratitude, no what-so-ever!

Dead-pan, due to insult, Kibito stated the obvious, "You don't like me."

"No shit, Sherlock! What ever gave you that idea?!" Neko-chan yelled at him, irate.

"What did I ever do to you?"

"It's the whole jealous boyfriend thing. Guys like you scare me...." the tiny cat-girl openly admitted, looking up, and up, and up, and up at Kibito.

 Officially defeated, Kibito tried desperately to think of a way to save his Kaioshin, but not a thing came to mind, so he slumped onto the floor of the kitchen, still no where near eye level with the non-mouse eating cat-girl.

 "So, you want me to take care of Miss Mary?" Neko-chan asked.

With a sigh, Kibito stayed focused on the floor as he heartlessly answered, "Like you could help anyway...."

"Ahem!" Neko-chan cleared her throat, pulling out a huge hammer that read, "Hammer of Justice," on the side. "I can smash her!" The enthusiastic chibi shouted, pumping one fist in the air.

Only, Kibito, using common sense, shot Neko-chan off of her proverbial happy cloud.

"You cannot even pick that thing up!"

Pouting, the chibi dropped the hammer, the magic of the moment long dissipated as Neko-chan's eyes welled up with tears. "You have to ruin everything, don't you! I was only trying to help!"

Kibito put his head in his hands as a large headache started to form, causing him more stress.

Disgusted with the route things were going, straight to mayhem, destruction, and a rose covered bed, Neko-chan marched outside, ran in front of KaioShin and Mary, pulled out a ray gun, and aimed carefully at Mary, grinning gleefully, in a frightening Dilandu manner. (A.K.A. Completely insane smirk.)

Only, the overly talented, perfect in every way Mary was quick to counter Neko-chan's attempt at an attack, blasting her with a ki blast that made Goku's Genki Dama (Oh...excuse me...she wouldn't know the Japanese title would she...I guess I have to say Spirit Bomb..._-_;) look like a harmless stream of light, and the tiny cat girl was no more, leaving only a charred remain of her hyper, justice giving life.

Mary and KaioShin walked around the burned area on the ground, and continued on, as though nothing had ever happened, and Kibito almost crawled to the marker of Neko-chan's oddly uneventful death.

"This is not good...." Kibito mumbled. "The entire universe is doomed, just because KaioShin will no longer do his duty...nor does he care. And it's all because he is this way?" The assistant thought back to late nights spent at the computer in fits of boredom, discovering these fabled creatures called fan-girls, and their sticky desires. Apparently, KaioShin was now abiding by their will, and everything was bound to fall apart.

"NO!" Kibito yelled out into the darkness creeping upon him.

Only to have his eyes open to find a normally, elegantly dressed KaioShin staring at him with worry.

"Kibito...are you all right?"

Breathing hard, the assistant nodded his head, still unsure of what was taking place.

"That must have been some nightmare you were having there."

"Hai, KaioShin-sama. You were...with this girl, and the universe was untended to, and falling to pieces...it was awful."

KaioShin grinned at his loyal bodyguard. Happy, KaioShin was quite content to find Kibito was still ever concerned about him. "Well, it was just a bad dream, and it's over now. Why don't we go out and get some fish this morning. For some odd reason I have this craving for catfish."

At first Kibito was relieved. Naturally, the dreams of others was a nightmare to any normal person, but on all sides, it was merely a fantasy/nightmare that would never come to fruition. Thank all that is pure for KaioShin's all encompassing innocence. But then, the assistant was frightened. When had fish come into the picture. Where ever there seemed to be fish mentioned, there was always some sort of trouble. In fact, he quickly clamped a hand over KaioShin's mouth, least he say the word again.

But Kibito was too late to stop the inevitable. Leaping up from behind one of the couches in the large living room, Neko-chan jumped out, eyes huge and shiny.

"FISH!! I want fish!" The little cat-girl yelled, causing the guardian to run out of the mansion, all too eager to be rid of the miniature representation of all that was evil. Well, she wasn't that bad. But bad things always seemed to follow her. (A.K.A. Nightmares about obsessive morons causing the downfall of an entire universe, just for the sake of their kicks!)

The End

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This entire story, obviously wrought from a Random Moment of Insanity, is brought to you due to fan-girls and their frightening lack of intelligence. Is there a fan-girl flaming your innocent stories? Hacking down your hard work? If not, you may just be oblivious to them, or they have not found you yet. In case of a fan-girl infestation...don't come near me!!! >.< I'm sick of them!!! ::takes off running, far, far away::