To be honest, this idea was originally Armand's, I just hung around in the fandom long enough to want to write it, and I had the voice of Vegeta to complete it with. Not to mention, the certain state of mind required for angst. *shrugs* 

I had always wanted to do a piece on Vegeta that really delved into his emotions as far back as I could reach, and I had always wanted to do a Vegeta/Goku piece that fit in with the actual timeline of DBZ. ^^; This works.... Armand did say I could use the idea, so I hope there isn't any conflict in me using it now. Thank-you, Armand, for the idea. Like I always say, you have incredible plot ideas.

Note: Lyrics in italics from Metallica's "Wherever I may Roam."

Warnings: Shounen-ai angst! HA! Like you didn't see that coming a mile away. >D!

Since the day he was born, Vegeta, of the planet Vegeta-sai, had been prepared to rule his planet and be the king his father wanted him to be.

The Saiya-jin race was full of proud people who feared showing their emotions, as they were viewed as weaknesses and could be used against anyone who slipped affection without care in the wrong crowd. They were a race of fighters who were imprisoned on their planet by a tyrant, and in turn they became very cold and harsh, but inside, they were stronger than anyone had imagined.

And their emotions, when provoked, would spring forth like wild fire and be more than any being could fathom.

For Vegeta, though, living in this world drained most warmth and feeling from him. His childhood was spent learning how to fight and learning about his planet and politics, but there was one source of love no one would wrench from him. 

His mother, for one, showed him how his people lived before the time of the tyrant, Freiza, and tended to him with great care. She never hid her feelings from him or placed a mask on her face like so many others did in that time. She openly stood against Freiza, even against the better judgment of her husband, and as a consequence, she was hunted down by the ice-tyrant and destroyed before Vegeta's very eyes. 

Not long after, Freiza demanded King Vegeta to hand over his only child to Freiza so the ice over-lord could influence his upbringing. Freiza was concerned with making sure his mother's notions of love, spunk, and courage would not leak into the child's mind. He was determined to have Vegeta stand by him in power.

The king had no desire to give up his son, but it was either that or watch his people suffer. Besides, he knew in his heart he could find a way to get his son back, so he relented, if only to save Vegeta from worse suffering in the future, and to insure there would be a planet for his son to return to. 

Vegeta was uncertain about leaving his father, and was even more uncertain of ruling with Freiza. Even though his father was stern and proud, there was a certain light in his eyes that shone when Vegeta showed any promise of his ability to rule. His father always scrutinized his every move for the glow of royal blood and capability to lead, and he was hardly ever disappointed. It was in those few times, when King Vegeta thought no one was looking, he would drop his mask and let his eyes show the pride he had in his son. But young Vegeta saw...and he knew. He never wanted to let his father down. The only kind of love he had ever known was making his father proud, so to shame him would be to lose him and fail his father. So he did as his father commanded and went with Freiza, with his head held high, while the entire time his heart screamed and prayed he would not have to be with that monster more than a day.

Taken from the only world he had ever known, Vegeta had to make a new life out of Freiza's ship. A careless, frigid atmosphere of puppets that ran to do Freiza's bidding. The sign of any great tyrant was the ability to coerce others into believing they should worship you, to the point they began to suffer and sacrifice for you. That is what those walking crystals of ice were to Vegeta. Freiza's lifeless puppets, doomed to die for him. Even worse was Zarbon, who knew Freiza had taken a liking to Vegeta and saw him as a new pet. Zarbon, who had become smitten over Freiza, and who was determined to follow Freiza to the end of time, was furious Vegeta was intruding on his territory and started to make snide comments away from Freiza's presence.

Zarbon made it clear to Vegeta that the Saiya-jin was viewed as little more than a pawn, and his usefulness would die out, and with it, so would his planet and everything Vegeta held dear. In an attempt to prevent this, Vegeta took all of the frustration, hatred, and fear he felt deep inside his heart and put it into training and fighting Freiza's enemies for him. Soon, Vegeta forgot why he fought for Freiza, but kept on destroying everything in his path that could jeopardize his security. And while he never really learned to enjoy murder killing on the battle field, his mind protected his fragile heart by going numb and convincing him there was nothing wrong with it. 

He lived his life going from one planet to the next and showing Freiza he was loyal and worth keeping around, all for the sake of his planet.

One day, when he was still eight, while away with Radditz and Nappa, Vegeta heard over the radio communicators that Vegeta-sai had been destroyed, supposedly hit by an asteroid.

Home no longer existed. 

The very universe itself became Vegeta's teacher and life. He relied on no one but himself, and the things he viewed from Nappa and Radditz, since they were the only remaining Saiya-jin warriors he knew of. Everyone else was worthless, and Vegeta suspected foul play from the sneers he caught on Freiza's face when the tyrant was unaware of Vegeta's presence. 

Vegeta could tell, as now Freiza kept a strange, new distance between them. So, curious, Vegeta ganged up with Radditz to hack into the main computer of Freiza's ship to see what the report logs said about the incident, for both knew every major situation in Freiza's sector was recorded and logged. With Nappa as a look out, they made their way into the system and found that there was no asteroid. In fact, the blast that had leveled Vegeta-sai to mere star-dust had come from Freiza's own hand.

It was Radditz's idea to find comradeship from his brother, who had been left to destroy the Earth, and it was only three years after the incident that Vegeta cursed Radditz to hell and back for the plan. They had hoped to convince Kakarotto to fight along side them against Frieza. They needed all the help they could get against the monster, but Radditz, being full of pride, dreaded admitted the full truth to Kakarotto, fearing he would seem weak, so instead, Radditz allowed the situation to get out of hand, resulting in Kakarotto's wariness of other Saiya-jin, and Radditz's death.

There was only so much Vegeta felt he could salvage, and instead of wishing to handle it with Kakarotto, he aimed straight for the dragonballs of earth. With them, Vegeta felt he could make the proper wishes to deal with Frieza on his own. Well, he and Nappa could.

Sadly, this venture failed as well.

Vegeta crawled off the battle field, without Nappa, the dragonballs, or his pride. Goku, as Kakarotto insisted on being called, had smashed Vegeta's pride to bits. Even the shards were shattered beyond repair, and Vegeta fled. Fled from an earthling, no less.

It disgusted him, but there was little else he could do.

Everything only went downhill from there.

He took a stand against Frieza, and failed, only to have Goku take his place and destroy Frieza, robbing Vegeta of his vendetta. And the largest blow of all, finding himself completely alone in the universe, with no where to go. He, who had once been a prince, revered and destined to be a king with his people bowing before him, Vegeta was now nothing. No planet, no crown, and no people. The only remaining pure bled Saiya-jin was the very person Vegeta now owed a dept to. A dept Vegeta planned to pay back with malice, so as to make up for those things Goku deprived him of.

Everyday Vegeta thought of it, just as he had once thought of his home everyday when he was Frieza's unofficial captive. And everyday Vegeta used that anger to fuel him, cursing Radditz.

But he easily twisted his new life to his benefit.

To Vegeta, it was obvious the earth woman, known as Bulma, was not just a very interesting character, but gullible. At first she was afraid of him, then she could not take her eyes off of him. The day everyone stood out in an open forest and the others hoped Goku would finish off Frieza and go home to them, that day Vegeta noticed she would look at him with unwanted sympathy. But it was not pity. She almost seemed awed by something no one else could see, and Vegeta thought it was pathetic. To him, she was seeing things, but she knew better. She always did.

He took advantage of the offer for a place to stay, only briefly noting, for an earthling, she was appealing to his eyes. Easily, he shrugged it off, though, because that was only a materialistic thought.

Through time, however, she showed concern for him, a disgusting emotion he tried to ignore, but it kept haunting him. She was tenacious in showing him that she cared for him, and she would constantly hound him in regards to his training. She would nag him to go easier, hunt him down and drag him back to bed when he insisted on entering the gravity room, regardless of his condition. These things stood out to Vegeta, because no one else had ever done that. No one, except maybe for his mother, long ago on Vegeta-sai. So long ago, all that remained of her was a quick flash of images in his mind, and nothing more.

Try as he might, Vegeta could not escape her; not her charms, not her vibrant venom, not anything. 

And it had been far too long since he had enjoyed the warm company of another's bed. It was not long before she had him there. Not much longer before he left one day to train in the mountains, then returned to find Bulma's stomach bulging.

This only caused him to retreat again, but like it or not, when he returned it was to a son. A son cursed with Bulma's colouring, but half Saiya-jin, regardless of what Vegeta wanted. As much as he dreaded what this meant, as much as hated how it tied him further to her, it was a sealant on their bond.

He cursed every night he found himself curled by her side, but he would just adjust himself, then lay down once more. He never helped her with the child, but every once in a while he would look over at Trunks or watch him pick up something that made his mother and grandmother go wide eyed over, just once in a while, Vegeta's mouth would turn up in something akin to a smile.

Life went on. No matter how much he wanted it to stop, or how he cursed Radditz and tried to live in the past, it kept moving.

Then Cell came and went, and too Goku with him.

Before Vegeta had ever had a chance to "thank" him for stealing his birthright. But it was more than that. On the day Goku died, Vegeta suddenly felt alone in the world. He was the last Saiya-jin, and it weighed heavily on him. It felt worse to know Cell was the one who got to kill Goku, but not Vegeta. Even after everything he had done to insure Goku would be alive at the end so he could battle him. It angered Vegeta that he went through so much trouble, saving Goku from the androids when his heart was being attacked, the training, and the waiting, and it was all for nothing.

His efforts were wasted, yet at the same time, Vegeta sat on a cliff and instead of fury, he felt a deep sadness in the depths of his soul. It crossed his mind that something had changed, but Vegeta was partially unsure of what that was, and partially sure he did not want to know.

The seven years that followed were torture. And all the while, he briefly noticed it had been along time since he had cursed Radditz and his idea to go to Earth. The day Goku died, Vegeta reminded himself to curse Radditz again.

Seven years later, Vegeta finally felt he had his chance. A grand opportunity to fight Goku at the world martial arts tournament, and after seven long years, he was more than eager for it.

But even that was not meant to be.

Vegeta cared little for the short male Piccolo fought, but when Piccolo stepped down from his fight, Vegeta knew something was amiss. Piccolo. Never. Backed. Down. From. A. Fight. Not even when he knew he had no chance of winning, and might even end up worse off for his efforts, Piccolo would still battle. He had the spirit of a warrior, and that was one reason, try as he might to hate him, Vegeta secretly held pride in knowing the Namek-sei-jin. They held a kinship they both fervently kept from the others, and Vegeta knew Piccolo would never back down from someone that small. Perhaps go easy on the child-looking boy, but not walk away.

It was all made clear when the child turned out to be a god, and one that was involved in a dire situation. Naturally, Goku had to go help.

Vegeta eased his growing anger by spitting, "Punk!" at the little deity, but it was hardly enough. To ensure Goku would return for their fight, Vegeta followed the group and involved himself in their longest battle.

Between giving into being under Babidi's control, fighting Goku, and threatening the god of the universe, Vegeta found something, when it came time to destroy Goku, he wavered. He had a chance, and he knew it, but he let it slip by.

Seeing Goku bound to a wall of rock was good enough for Vegeta. He held back his punches and settled for slapping him, hoping to hurt Goku's pride, but at the same time, he kept drinking in Goku's body hanging there. Up until Goku broke free, then their fight continued, while inside Vegeta started to ask himself what he was thinking. He dug deep inside himself, desperate for answers on what went wrong. Why?

He had robbed Vegeta of all he worked for. Yet...Goku, the very same self-sacrificing Goku that had spent his life saving the Earth, actually threatened the god of the universe, forsook everything, and fought Vegeta instead of rushing to Earth's rescue. It did something. It changed something. It told Vegeta he meant something to Goku.

Vegeta was confused of how to handle that. And wondered just what it meant.

It was not until he sacrificed himself to destroy Majin Buu that Vegeta realised he was not just doing it for his family, but for Goku as well. He wanted to show Goku he was just as strong as he was. But why did that matter so much?

During the hours he spent dead, Vegeta had time to think about all of this, and a few things cleared.

Epiphany....

Goku was as strong as Vegeta had always dreamed of being. Vegeta had struggled for years to be that passive about life events, and that capable on the battle field, but Goku did it almost effortlessly. At least, it looked that way. Watching from the afterlife, Vegeta changed his mind. Goku was not only stronger than he had first thought, but tired of being the one to always save everyone else. He knew it when Goku had an opportunity to beat Majin Buu, but turned it down.

He wanted the children to be able to take care of themselves, and save the Earth for a change, this way, Goku would no longer have to worry about those he loved.

Vegeta was furious the other had held back during their battle, yet did that not also mean Goku was concerned for Vegeta? He purposefully fought on the same level. Even if it was deceitful, in his own way, Goku had tried to give Vegeta a "fair" fight so Vegeta's pride would heal.

It was still baffling, but more and more, Vegeta found himself understanding Goku's way of thinking.  

And there was something else....

For so long Vegeta had fought to be stronger than the other, because Vegeta, wrapped in his arrogance, insisted he had to be the best, and the strongest. To have someone above him destroyed that illusion, and he would continue to look towards that person to surpass them. But it also meant admiration.

It was easier to bottle that away as hatred; to hold that was to hold the belief he could be stronger, and to hold his pride from falling to pieces.

Now, however, Vegeta was close to admitting Goku was stronger, but not because Vegeta was too weak to beat him. Vegeta knew if he could face the truth, it would mean he was strong enough to stop lying to himself.

To stop pretending Goku meant nothing to him.

To stop chasing after a notion that seemed to never be fulfilled.

To end a feud Goku had long walked away from.

It was beyond time.

Allowed into the Majin Buu battle, Vegeta went in determined to lash Goku to pieces for holding back on him, but that fell apart too. Nothing seemed to escalate properly.

They fused together, and Vegeta found more and more how easy it was to understand Goku, where for years he wanted to believe it was impossible.

But Goku was more like him than he had ever thought.

He had pride too. Goku was just beyond using it as a crutch. Goku had, only over the years, learned how to bite it down and gracefully allow others to take the spotlight. But, Vegeta learned and saw, it had taken time.

That was not the only exchange between the two, for Goku learned of things he had believed for years, and finally knew how deep Vegeta's heart really ran.

They reached an understanding.

It finally hit Vegeta of how much Goku did for him.

After the fusion, Goku still saved Vegeta, as many times as he had to,  and Vegeta found himself concerned for the other; constantly watching Goku's back, and going as far as to fight Majin Buu solo. Vegeta finally admitted to Goku being stronger, helped save the Earth with his intelligence, and he had helped Goku.

Between them emerged an odd closeness Vegeta never had shared with anyone else...no one else...but Bulma.

When it Dende came to heal them, Goku told him to heal Vegeta first, and the Saiya-jin felt a warmth fill his soul; no matter how much it disgusted him, he could not stop mentally thinking the other. Goku had helped him see so much. Including how much Bulma and Trunks really meant to him.

Everything seemed so clear, yet surreal. It was a dream, to be smiling at Goku.

At Kami's palace, it was time to part, but Vegeta felt a strong pull to tell Goku. He wanted to take the other aside and explain to him, at least, what he was currently feeling. They were the last remaining full-blooded Saiya-jin, and they were both alive again. They understood each other like no one else could, and Vegeta almost felt like saying he needed the other. Goku kept him on his toes, kept him struggling and fighting through life, and helped open his eyes to so many things.

It was an incredible feeling that washed over Vegeta as the wind blew by. Energy surged through him, and he fought.

To him, it would be too easy for them both to just leave, go somewhere, together. But he saw Bulma.

And he saw Trunks.

They were the life he had chosen so long ago. If he and Goku had only met years sooner, then maybe...maybe they would have chosen different paths, or maybe it would still be the same. It mattered not.

Vegeta fought the urge and let Goku slip from his hands, hoping it was the right thing to do. He watched the raven-haired, fun-loving male leave, and Vegeta briefly remembered what he looked liked bound to a wall, clothes torn, and eyes dazed. He thought of everything Goku had accomplished, and every time Goku worried about him. The memories passed, and Goku was gone, leaving for home, to be with his family.

With Bulma and Trunks, Vegeta did the same, though he knew he could never forget.

He chose his life, but he would always have his dreams and the knowledge should things change again he would easily adapt, and take his chance....

*****************************

Okay people...I took a Metallica song...and put it in an unrequited love-angst fic. I think this makes it official...I am Neko-sama!!!! >D!! Here me roar!!!

Mew...

Damn...I gotta get that fixed.... _^_!

Ahh...never mind the ego...that's just laughs.