A Crumb's Worth 5
Last Resort
I
do not own digimon or Papa Roach. I
decided to make this a song chapter!
Cut my life into
pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation
No breathing
Don't give a f*** if I cut myself bleeding
Takato walked home, wondering what he should do. Jeri was falling apart inside and all he could do was watch. He tried talking to her when he planned on asking her to the dance and she told him about her father and stepmother getting the divorce. She didn't want to talk about it. Maybe she'd want to talk about it after the hearing. Everyone knew now and did what they could. Jeri wasn't willing to talk to anyone, even Takato.
With Jeri's words still fresh in mind, Henry stepped inside his apartment and kicked his shoes off. "Be good to your family," she had told him, you're lucky to have a big family who loves you." They were the best words he heard in his life. His sensei, always giving him words of wisdom, couldn't give him better words to know.
Henry took his large family for granted. He had brothers and sisters, two loving parents, something that not every child had. He heard something fall down in his room, followed by some mumbling.
"Oh no! Henry is going to be so mad at me!"
Henry walked to his room and opened the door. There he found his younger sister Suzie trying to put away a mess.
"Suzie?" Henry asked.
"Henry!" Suzie stood up quickly in shock, "look, before you say anything, I was just going to borrow something for a homework assignment, you see and--and--and…" she sighed and frowned, "you're mad at me, aren't you?"
Henry's chin began to twitch. He stared at Suzie for a moment or two, amazed by her innocence. He probably would be mad at his young sister, but after hearing that Jeri's father and step mother were getting a divorce and what she asked him to do for Jeri, he just could not feel mad right now. He was reminded again when Suzie said she wished he wasn't her brother. Back then, he was shocked by her words but didn't think about it until that Boar Deva destroyed part of the city. Now, he was more than shocked, he felt like a failure. He never wanted his baby sister to say that to him again. It would kill him. Tears filled his eyes and he ran to his younger sister and embraced her as if he hadn't seen her for years.
"Suzie!" he sobbed. "Suzie, my baby sister!"
Suzie's eyes moved around in concern and confusion, "uh, Henry?"
"I'm not mad at you," he said, "not at all! Suzie, I want you to know that I love you! Your big brother loves you, never doubt how much I love you!"
"Well, I, uh, love you too, Henry." Suzie whispered, taken back by his new behavior. He never acted this way before.
"Don't worry about the mess," he said, hugging her tighter, "I'll take care of it. You just do your homework and if you need help on it, any help at all, just ask and your brother will help you, okay?"
"Oh, okay…" Suzie mumbled.
He held her for a while and finally let go, but not without giving his younger sister a kiss on the cheek and a pat on the back. Suzie walked around her brother, not sure what to say then stopped at the door.
"You're really not mad for me making a mess?"
"Oh, of course not. I shouldn't get so upset about a little mess."
"But, you're always so 'protective' of your stuff," she said, "and you don't like it when I come into your room without permission."
"Suzie, you're welcome to come into my room whenever you want."
"Okay, but if it's closed," Suzie said, "I think I'll knock first." She gawked at her brother, "Um, is everything okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, everything's fine, Suzie, just fine."
"You sure?"
"Sure I'm sure."
Suzie looked at him, not convinced, finally shrugged and stepped away. "Well, all right then."
When the rest of his family members came home, Henry all gave them hugs and told them that the loved them. They all gave him a confused look and asked if he was okay. While Mrs. Wong was cooking dinner, she felt a pair of arms circle around her with a pair of lips on her cheek.
"Mom, I just want you to know," Henry said, "that I love you."
"Oh, why, thank you, Henry," she said, smiling slightly. "I love you too."
"I'll take a free hug any day."
"Here, I'll set the table for dinner," Henry grabbed some plates and put them on the placemats with silverware and glassware. The family began their meal and Mr. Wong asked what everyone was up to. There was mild chatter about tests, sport practice and other things. Then, Henry decided to speak.
"Jeri's dad and stepmom are getting a divorce," he blurted.
Everyone looked at Henry suspiciously
"What was that, Henry?" Mrs. Wong asked.
"You know my friend Jeri?" Henry questioned, clearing his voice, "well, her dad and step mom, they're getting a divorce."
"Oh, poor Jeri!" Suzie cried. "I don't believe it!"
"I didn't even know the Katous were having problems," Mrs. Wong said, still shocked.
"How's Jeri taking it?" Henry's older sister asked.
"Not good," Henry replied. "So, if you two ever stop loving each other and--"
Mr. Wong chuckled, "son, that'll never be the case. I love your mother very much and you are my children. What is happening in Jeri's family is very sad. Some families drift apart, but that will never happen with us."
"Yes," Mrs. Wong said with a nod. "You've got nothing to worry about, Henry."
Henry let out a sigh, "that's good to know."
"I hope the Katous are all right," Mrs. Wong said. "Maybe I should give Jeri's Step Mother a call."
"I don't know where Mrs. Katou went," Henry said, "Jeri said that they left town."
"I can try," Mrs. Wong said.
"Okay," Henry took a bite, "this is a good dinner, mom. Thank you."
"You're welcome, honey."
Henry decided to change the subject to some good news. "Oh, I'm asked Rika to the dance this Friday."
Suzie grinned and poked her brother, "and you're still alive?"
Henry had to chuckle at least a little. "Yup. She said yes."
"Wow, that's great, Henry," his older brother said.
Suzie sighed, "I can't wait for my first date."
"We can," her parents said in unison and the family erupted with laughter. After a laugh attack, Henry let out a sigh and picked at his food a little. It was so sad. Jeri will never have the opportunity to have a family conversation during dinner again. He never realized how much small things like this could mean to people. He'd never take it for granted again.
Henry decided to do also unload the table and dishes. While he was washing, he heard the sound of feet and a sweet voice.
"Need a hand?"
Henry looked up to the voice. "Thanks, Suzie."
Suzie started to rinse the dishes he washed and put them in the drainer. They talked a bit about school, things they didn't talk about at the dinner table already. After a silence and the dishes were all washed, ready to be rinsed and dried, Suzie picked up a plate and dried it with a towel.
Suzie looked up and smiled, "you know what, Henry?"
"Yeah, Suzie?"
"I'm glad you're my brother."
Henry gasped. It was all he wanted to hear. A tear ran down his cheek and he smiled. "And I'm glad you're my sister."
This is my last resort
Cut my life into
pieces
I've reached my last
resort
Suffocation
No breathing
Don't give a f*** if I
cut myself bleeding
Do you even care if I
die bleeding?
Rika slammed her door and walked inside. She was trying to be nice to Jeri, trying to let her know she understood how she felt and Jeri threw it in her face. It wasn't easy for her to be gentle, understanding after being so independent ever since her parents divorced. She went straight into her room and sat on her bed wearing a scowl, holding the stuffed fox Henry gave her.
'I know what you're going through, Jeri,' Rika thought, 'I've been there.'
"Rika, you home?" her grand mother called.
"Yeah, Grandma, I'm here."
Her grandmother walked in, "oh, hi honey. Hungry?"
"Not really." She muttered.
"Hey, where'd you get the fox?"
"From Henry."
"Oh?"
"He asked me to the dance this Friday," she explained.
"That's great, Rika!" she exclaimed, "Your mother will be thrilled. We'll go find you a dress."
"Not so great," Rika grunted, "Jeri won't be able to group with us because her dad and step mom are getting a divorce. I don't think I should go."
"Oh, that's awful, Rika!" Her Grandmother sat next to her. "How's Jeri?"
"She's, well, not good," Rika said. "Not herself. I mean, how would you expect? She's been through too much already!"
"I'm sure she'll be okay soon."
"I don't want to go to the dance this Friday," Rika mumbled, "I mean, I was so happy when Henry asked me, but when I found out about Jeri, I don't think I should."
"Have you told Henry this?"
"No. I talked to Jeri and she said for me to go with Henry."
"Then you should respect her wish, dear," Rika's grandmother said..
"That's not what she really wants."
"Go with Henry like she told you to."
"The divorce hearing is the same day of the dance. I'd rather be with my friend than dance. They'll be other dances."
"Well, maybe you can go to both," her grandmother, suggested.
"Maybe."
"We'll talk about this when your mother comes home."
"Okay."
Rika's grandmother stepped out of her room and Rika sighed. She could barely remember the time when her mother and father got divorced. All that legal stuff was too hard for her to understand when she was young. She just remembered feeling very angry alone and didn't want Jeri to go through that by herself, like she had.
But if Jeri didn't want her there, what else could Rika do?
Would it be wrong?
Would it be right?
If I took my life
tonight
Chances are that I
might
Mutilation outta sight
And I'm contemplating
suicide
****
Jeri wasn't sure what to do now. She knew all her friends meant well, but there was nothing they could do to make the pain go away. It was festering inside her and it was enough to make her go crazy. She just took a shower, hoping it would wash all her pain and fear away, but it didn't. Her skin might've been clean, but she didn't feel clean inside. Tying her robe around her, a thought stuck her mind. There just may be a way out. She looked at the steel rod of the shower curtain. Maybe if she died tonight, she would be free from this world, this world that had been so cruel to her. Maybe she could try to escape to the digital world, but there wasn't much left of it anyway.
"I guess I have no choice," Jeri whispered. She pulled out her belt and stood up on the rim of the bathtub to tie a knot on the shower rode. "This will be easy."
Jeri wrapped the other end around her throat and pulled tight. She took one last moment, remembering her sad, sad life.
I never realized I was
spread too thin
Till it was too late
And I was empty within
Hungry!
Feeding on chaos
And living in sin
Downward spiral where
do I begin?
It all started when I lost my mother
No love for myself
And no love for
another.
Searching to find a
love up on a higher level
Finding nothing but
questions and devils.
Jeri opened her mouth, able to say only one word. "Mother." She took one step off the rim and felt a tug on the belt. Releasing herself into oblivion, she hung there still, waiting for her death. 'Any minute now.' Jeri didn't kick her feet or struggle to breath. She closed her eyes and waited until her last breath.
But the unexpected happened. She made a mistake by not tying a tight enough knot and the knot around her throat unraveled--as if an imaginary hand untied it--bringing Jeri to the floor.
Jeri opened her eyes. "No, still alive. This wasn't supposed to happen this way. Dammit, I can do nothing right. Can't even tie a stupid knot!" She stood up. "Oh well, I'll just try again. Maybe choking myself won't work." She remembered the last time she tried suicide, choking herself with her puppet and letting the cables crush her. That didn't work either. There were dozens of way to kill herself. She'd try again. It was getting late and she was still too tired to think. She'll come up with something later.
The next day at school, Jeri avoided all contact possible by her friends and they weren't sure how to approach her. It wasn't that they didn’t want to, but knew that everything they had already said to her, she'd heard it before and heard enough. Henry wanted to tell her that he did do what she asked and started to be better to his family, especially Suzie. That ought to make her feel better, but would it be enough to put a smile on her face? He'd just continue to do what she asked and hopefully after the divorce was finer, she'd come back to them. It was a hard day for all them.
Then, when Jeri came home from school, she came up with a new idea to commit suicide. It was quick, simple and even painless. It was the perfect way. She'd overdose on Aspirin. Hey, she's been having killer headaches, maybe not just one, or two pills, but the whole bottle ought to get read of her headaches for good. After getting a large glass of water, she went to the bathroom. She opened the mirror cupboard and searched for the Aspirin.
"Ah, there it is," she picked up the aspirin bottle and smiled, shaking it gently, "this is my ticket into paradise." She popped off the lid and put four aspirin into her palm. There was about half a bottle left of aspiring and it would be too much for her to swallow at once, but it should be enough to slow her system down. "Four at a time," she said, putting them into her mouth and taking a gulp of water. She was about to take another four pills when doorbell rang.
Unsure what to do, Jeri froze. Should she go and answer it? Should she continue?
The doorbell rang again.
"Coming!" Jeri shouted, slamming down the Aspirin and her glass, muttering to herself. When she left the bathroom, the Aspirin bottle tipped over and the pills fell down the sink.
Jeri ran to the door and opened it to see Mako and Ai. "Uh, hello. Can I help you?"
"May we please come in, Jeri?" Mako asked.
"I was in the middle of something," Jeri said.
"This will only take a moment."
"Please let us in," Ai added.
Jeri sighed, "Okay, okay. Sure, come on in."
"Thank you, Jeri," Ai said.
"Yeah, thanks." Mako said and the two came in.
"We heard about your parents." Ai started as she and her brother sat down.
"We're sorry," Mako said.
"It's okay."
"We also want to apologize for something else," Mako began. "As Impmon's partners, it was our responsibility to keep an eye on him."
"Hey, you don't have to--" Jeri said.
"Please, just listen to us," Ai told her, "we should've told you this a long time ago. You see, Impmon left because we fought all the time. He didn't want to be around us and he wanted to digivolve so bad that he'd do anything for it. If we just shared, maybe Impmon would've digivolved on our own. Then he wouldn’t have went to the Digiworld and killed your partner. We don't expect you to fogive us, but please don't be mad at Impmon anymore."
"He's really sorry," Mako added, holding his sister's hand, "and if he could change it he would. If only things were different, we would've came to the Digiworld to help save Calumon, instead of fighting over our toys. If you want to blame someone, blame us."
"We know you still miss Leomon," Ai whispered. "But there's a part of him still alive."
"What?" Jeri asked. "I don't understand."
"Well, he tried to save you from the D-Reaper remember? And he used Leomon's special attack." Mako explained. "He absorbed Leomon's data, so in a way, Leomon lives inside of Impmon."
Jeri's eyes widened. She remembered seeing Leomon's attack before Beezlemon tried to save her. She thought it was Leomon at first. Why didn't she ever think of it before? For a split second, Jeri felt that she couldn’t morn of Leomon's death, because he really wasn't gone.
"I never thought of it…that way," Jeri mumbled.
"We also want to thank you, Jeri," Ai said.
"For what?"
"You saved Beezlemon in the digital world when Guilmon and Takato biomerged," Ai reminded. "Thanks for doing that. You don't know how much that means to us."
"Well, I hated him for what he did…but him dying wouldn't bring Leomon back." Jeri smiled, "and I have an apology to give you."
"Apology?"
"I'm sorry I wouldn't let Beezlemon save me," Jeri said, "I just made things worse. I also want to thank you, for being his partners. Don't be weak, like I was, okay?"
"But you're not weak," Mako said.
Jeri cleared her throat. She couldn’t talk about Leomon's death anymore. "I appreciate you coming by. But I had to get back to what I was doing." She stood up and opened the door for them. "Goodbye."
"See you around, Jeri." Ai said.
"Oh, if you hear from Masahiko," Mako said, "tell him to give me a call, okay?"
Jeri nodded. Masahiko and Mako were best friends. "I will. Bye." They walked out and left Jeri alone. Jeri waved at them and closed the door. "Now, back to business," Jeri said, walking back to the bathroom. When she entered, she couldn’t believe it. "Oh no!" she cried, "the pills! They're almost all gone!" Jeri picked up the bottle and groaned. "Great…why can't I just die in peace?"
*****
As Jeri was walking home, she was thinking of a different way to kill herself. Choking herself with her puppet didn't work. Hanging herself didn’t' work. Even an overdose on Aspirin didn't work. She thought of some mor ideas, what could she do? She stopped at a crosswalk and waited for the light to change.
"Hmm, hmm, there's got to be away," she whispered, folding her arms and holding her chin. The sound of a car's engine entered her ears and she looked at the sound. A jeep was turning the corner.
Hit by a car. That was perfect! Jeri waited until the jeep came close and just as she was about to jump in front of it, she felt a tug on her arm.
"Hey, girl!"
Jeri groaned and turned around, "what?" she turned to see Rika with her mom and grandmother. "Oh, hello."
"We're going dress shopping for the dance," Rika said.
"Why don't you come with us, Jeri?" Mariko asked.
{Author's Note: Isn't Mariko Rika's mother's first name? Her grandmother said it once on her cell phone, but didn't quite catch it.}
"Uh, I'd like to but, um," Jeri said, "I'm not going to the dance."
"I know that your step mom and father are getting a divorce the same day," Rika's grandmother said, "and you won't be able to come to the dance, but that doesn't mean you're not welcome to join us."
"Yeah, Jeri," Rika said, tugging on her arm, "come on. I'm not taking no for an answer. Besides, we might find something for you to wear on your court date."
"But--" Jeri mumbled.
"Please, Jeri, I can use your vote in case we find something that's not me!" Rika said.
Jeri groaned. Another suicide attempt failed. She knew perfectly why Rika was doing this. She wanted to help her get her mind off what was happening but it wasn't going to work. If her father and stepmother were getting along and they were going shopping together for a dress, it would be good fun. But Jeri couldn't have fun anymore.
Rika came out of the dressing room with the tenth dress she tried on. "I like this one!" she exclaimed, "what do you think, Jeri?"
Jeri looked up. Rika was wearing a red and gold Chinese like dress. Since her date was half Chinese, it would work. The past dresses she looked up and said the same line, "it's all right." She smiled without meaning to. "it's perfect, Rika."
"See, Jeri agrees."
"I think we have a winner, Mariko," Jeri's grandmother said.
Mariko didn't seem so sure, "I dunno, it doesn’t' do much for your figure. And that color. Are you sure you don't want pink?"
"Pink's not my color," Rika muttered.
Jeri let out a laugh. She wasn't sure why, but she found it funny. She didn't intend of having fun and she somehow was. Rika turned her gaze to Jeri.
"It's good to see you laughing again, Jeri," she said.
Jeri sighed and looked away. "Listen, I need to get going."
"Okay, I'll just go and change," Rika said and turned back to her dressing room.
"Would you like a dress or something, Jeri?" Mariko offered. "On the house."
"You mean, to wear to the hearing?" Jeri asked, "Well, okay." 'I just hope I die before then.'
They walked back to look at some dresses when Rika went out. Jeri had her eye on a simple black dress. It was maybe just a divorce hearing, it seemed more like a funeral to Jeri. Rika sighed. She had worn a black dress at her family's divorce hearing. She could remember all too well, sitting there with just her grandma at her side. That wasn't a place for a young girl to be, but Rika wanted to witness their parents being together one last time.
"You sure you want to wear that?" Rika asked, "um…how about these slacks here?" she held up a pair of black silky slacks.
"Um, okay." Jeri reached for them a shrugged, "they're my size too. And I do wear a dress too often."
"And this white blouse would look really pretty with it," Mariko said, holing up a button-down blouse with bell-bottom like sleeves. "Nice…thank you."
"Anytime," Mariko replied with a smile. They paid for their purchase and Jeri went home disappointed.
'Well, then,' Jeri thought as she lay down to sleep, 'I'll just have to try again tomorrow.'
******
Cuz I'm losing my
sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would
tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind.
Wish somebody would
tell me I'm fine
Nothing's all right
Nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm
crying
I'm crying
I'm crying
I'm crying
I'm crying
Jeri had to work after school the next day and was coming up with another plan for suicide. It seemed to be a slow day--virtually empty--and she looked for a way to kill herself. Maybe she could burn herself with the oven or start a fire. But there were other people around and she didn't want to be responsible for their deaths, just her own. Jeri didn't want to hurt any more people. She had to kill herself before something else happened.
She was wiping down the counter with her rag, dampened with a mixture of hot water and pine-smelling cleanser. Then it dawned on her as she wet her rag again. Poison. That was it. Poisoning herself should do the trick. Jeri grabbed the bottle and hid underneath the counter.
"If this won't kill me," Jeri whispered, "then maybe it will leave me pine-smelling clean and fresh!" She opened the lid and just as she were about to drink it, the bell on the door jingled as it opened.
I can't go on living
this way
Cut my life into
pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation
No breathing
Don't give a f*** if I
cut my arm, bleeding!
Would it be wrong?
Would it be right?
If I took my life
tonight
Chances are that I
might
Mutilation outta sight
And I'm contemplating
suicide
The slow part of the day picked up. Jeri groaned at her luck and sat up.
"I will be right with--" she turned around, "Takato?"
"Hi, Jeri," he said, "Uh…" he glanced down, "Uh, what were you doing down there?"
"I was…just, cleaning up a spill," she lied, putting the cleaning agent under the cupboard and washed her hands. "So, uh, what can I get you, Takato?"
Takato sat upon the stool, "uh, a milkshake I guess."
"What flavor?"
"Strawberry, please."
"Heh, one of your favorites," Jeri said, drying her hands. "Well, one strawberry milkshake coming up!" She picked up one the metal milkshake containers and worked on his milkshake with real milk and strawberry ice cream. She topped it with a strawberry and whipped cream and put a straw inside as she slid it to him. "Here you go."
"Thanks, Jeri," Takato said, taking his strawberry and nibbling on it. "I like it when you make my milkshakes. You do it differently."
"How?" she asked, "I make them the same as everyone else here. Same order and everything."
"Yeah, but you put in another ingredient," he said.
"I do? What?"
Takato blushed. He couldn't say it. "You put…ah..um…l--lo--"
Jeri lifted an eyebrow and put her lower lip in a state of confusion, "What?"
"You put lo-oo, I mean, you put kindness in it." Takato said, chuckling nervously, "Y-yeah, yeah, that's it. You put kindness in everything you make. That's why they taste so good!"
He nearly kicked himself. He wanted to say love, but he couldn't. He stirred the milkshake with his straw. 'Ah, man, that's not what I was meaning to say!'
"Oh," Jeri mumbled, feeling warmth come to her cheeks, "well, thank you, Takato. No one has ever told me that before. But then again--no one orders as many shakes as you do!"
Takato smiled, "I'm sorry I haven't talked to you since Monday," he said, "when I told everyone about your--parents."
"It's okay, Takato. I want to be alone."
"I wanted to give you some time to think," he said, "and I didn't know what to say."
"Nothing you can say will change what happened, Takato," Jeri sighed, wiping the counter again.
"But if you ever wanna talk, I'll listen."
"Thanks, Takato."
"Can we, um, hang out tomorrow?"
"The hearing's tomorrow, I can't."
"I know, but maybe after?"
"I don't think so," she mumbled, turning around to pick up the window cleaner and a paper towel. She walked around the corner to wipe down the windows.
"I know, how about I come with you?" Takato asked, turning around on the stool and slurping his milkshake.
"That's not a good idea." She said as she sprayed a window and wiped it down.
"Why not?"
"It just isn't, okay?" she muttered angrily.
"Jeri…"
"I'm sorry, Takato, I just…have some work to do."
Takato looked around, "what? It's so empty. The only customer here is me, but then again, Thursdays never were that busy."
Jeri cracked a smile, "you come here all the time, don't you?"
Takato nodded, "mm-hmm. Jeri, uh…I know you're upset, but don't worry, everything will turn out all right. It'll be just fine, you'll see."
"You're wrong, Takato," Jeri grunted. "Nothing is all right. Nothing is fine. Everything went all wrong when I lost my mother and just got worse from there. I've never been all right, or fine, or even peachy and I'll never feel that way."
Cuz I'm losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would
tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would
tell me I'm fine
Nothing's all right
Nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying.
"Don't be like that."
"It's true, Takato, you know it is." Jeri heard enough, "and I don't need you or anyone else to tell me I'm fine because I'm not!" she walked to the counter and put the window cleaner away. "Don't worry about leaving me a tip or even paying for the shake. J-just go, Takato. Leave, now." Jeri walked into the kitchen and Takato was left sitting on his stool, surprised by her attitude. Takato finished his shake and waited for her to come back out, which she didn't. He sighed as he stood up and reached in his pocket to pay for his shake and leave a tip for Jeri. He laid it down along with something else, a folded piece of paper. Takato went to the doors and stopped to take one last look at the kitchen to see if Jeri would walk out.
"Jeri," he whispered and left the restaurant.
Jeri came back to the counter to collect her tip and put the rest of the money in the cash register. She opened the folded piece of paper and gasped.
It was a drawing of Leomon.
Jeri bit her lip and tried to hide back her tears. "Leomon," she whispered and put in her pocket. 'I've had enough of this. I can't go on living this way anymore. Tomorrow is my last chance. I'll try again and this time…I won't fail.'
I can't go on living
this way
Can't go on
Living this way
Nothing's all right
TO BE CONCLUDED.
Isn't this like the perfect song for Jeri, btw?
