Disclaimer: Okay, I admit it. I don’t own Escaflowne (at least not legally), and I don’t own any other
characters either.
Merle was sad. I don’t mean just sad, I mean I-could-think-of-twenty-eight-different-ways-to-kill-myself-and-no-one-would-care-sad. Yep, things are looking
pretty bad for our spunky and annoying feline friend. Why, might you ask? I could list a bunch of different reasons,
but most aren’t appropriate even for this parody. (All the whackos in the world are now allowed to sigh wistfully and
come up with their own reasons)
But the main reason Merle is sad is because of a certain someone who lives on the Mystic Moon. Sure, she’s mad at
Bill Gates and Microsoft because her computer keeps crashing (she’s being trying to read her e-mail from Meowth and Gatoman for
weeks now), but there’s someone who has more direct impact in the cat-girl’s life: Hitomi Kanzaki. (bum bum
bum!!)
Every since Hitomi came to Gaea, Merle knew the girl was up to something. Although she promised that she
wouldn’t steal away Merle’s beloved Van-sama, they both fell in love. Crap.
It gets worse though. Hitomi dumps Van to go back to her own planet, but Van-sama doesn’t give up the belief that
she’ll one day return. She could be already married and have a ton of kids, but Van wouldn’t care. You know what
this means. Yes, it sucks to be a particular young broken-hearted cat.
But hey, she decided to give up the handsome Van-sama and look for someone else. She’s a flourishing young
cat-girl, with a body any guy would want. Right? This is her story.
All My Kittens
Merle scratched another X through one of the circled personal ads. Her third and last date using these things was awful. Yes,
the guy she went out with seemed okay at first; a little macho, but still better than the ones she’d been with before.
But then the waiter accidentally spilled a pitcher of water on his head, causing her date to transform into a red-headed
girl. If that wasn’t weird enough, the guy-er-girl-er-it was surrounded by a strange bunch of bickering
women.
Merle had stopped dating within her own series a long time ago. Allen was a playboy with a serious case of Lolita
complex, Dryden was a stuffy old bore that spent his money spontaneously, and Folken-well, he was kinda dead.
Prince Chid was still just a kid, Gadeth was infatuated with his boss, and Dilandau was just scary.
So it was no wonder why she was looking beyond the happy *snicker* world of Escaflowne. But nothing seemed to
be working. She needed a man, a real man, badly. She was starting to...urm..let’s just say she was starting to
get the urges. The problem was, it seemed like all the good guys were taken, despite the article’s
promise to find her ‘true love’.
Her first date started with the guy arriving in a mecha, and he came out only to call her pathetic and weak. It was too
bad that she was ‘pathetic and weak’, and couldn’t call 911 when she used his legs as a scratching post, at to which
he proclaimed, “Injustice!”
Her second date was a geek with big ugly glasses, who was really into female sailors or girls with annoying Brooklyn
accents. Thankfully, Merle was neither, and did not have to share a prune flavored milkshake with him.
She sighed as she threw the paper onto the table and got on a light jacket. She looked around her quarters but
saw nothing of an extreme importance. Besides, if she need anything, she would have it FedEx-ed later. Right now
she had important business to attend.
“Van-sama, I-”
“Hold on a minute, Merle,” Van answered, grabbing onto the rose-colored pendant around his neck as he sat erectly
in his royal chair.
The silence and anticipation grew too great for Merle to keep quiet. “What is it Van-sama? Is it Hitomi?”
“No, I’m picking up something called ‘football’. I watch every Sunday; this thing gets excellent reception.”
Shaking over her sweatdropped SD form, Merle continued to talk. “Van-sama, like I was saying, I’m leaving Fanelia.
I don’t know if...if I’ll ever return...”
“Uh huh. Hey, Merle? While you’re out, can you pick up something called ‘pork rinds’? I’ve suddenly got a real
craving for them. Thanks!”
“Argggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!”
Merle sighed in relief as she viewed the city of Palas. (How did she get there so fast? Was it because a radioactive
spider bit her when she was younger and now she can fly through the air on webbing? Or is it because she was really
born on a different planet whose people have super powers that can be taken away with a shiny green rock? Or it just
that she caught a leviship there and a few days have passed? Maybe. I just like the radioactive spider thing. *glomps Spider-man*)
Anyways, she was walking through the Austrian market, unconsciously looking for Van-sama’s ‘pork rinds’. After all
these years, it was getting hard for her to not please the young king of Fanelia, and besides, she knew what his bad
side was like.
The cat-girl noticed a herbal medicine shop up ahead, with a sign reading “New in stock! Anti-depressants!” Merle
ran to the building, knocking several people out of the way. She asked the pharmacist breathlessly, “How much are
your best anti-depressants?”
“10 pieces of gold. These have been recommended by the Princess Eries herself.”
“Princess Eries? The unhappy princess? Not the one that’s dead or the one who loves two ugly guys, but the middle
one? That princess? Urm, are you sure you want to use that slogan?”
“I guess you haven’t heard then...”
Before Merle could answer, Eries’ voice came over the palace’s loudspeaker. “Party at my castle!! Woo hoo!!
Par-tay!! Par-tay!! Yeah!!”
Merle blinked several times, and then turned back to the pharmacist. “I’ll take it.”
*****
As she munched on a churro she bought from a vendor (Mmmm...churros...), she read the label of the
anti-depressant. “Zacpro, huh. ‘Cures even the most suicidal of people. Warning! Zacpro may cause drowsiness and
hallucinations, and in extreme cases, severe depression’ So this is what Hitomi was taking!” O.o;;
She was a little wary of using a drug that had done all that to her romantic rival, but Merle figured she had a
more stable mind and body than Hitomi any day.
Merle popped a dosage of pills in her mouth, not noticing the green sticker on the bottle that read, “Caution! Do not
consume after eating a sugary snack, for it increases chances of receiving symptoms.” As for why the sticker’s
information wasn’t near the warning, the world may never know because the drug company was taken over by Pfizer
shortly after that and now makes male sex aids. (she could use their help later on, but now she first needed a
male)
After a couple of minutes, Merle was even sadder and impatient than she was before. “Stupid @$$ medicine!!
Doesn’t even work!! Whoa, I feel a little dizzy...I think I’ll stop out in the middle of the road for..a quick
nap...”
And before you could say, “Fox's dub sucks!”, our young feline friend was out like a light.
“Merle my love! I’m so glad you are still alive! I promise to never leave your side again!”
Merle moaned as held her aching head, and keeping her eyes closed, she turned towards the unidentified voice.
“Owwiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!! My head!! What the heck happened?!”
She felt herself being wrapped in a warm embrace. “It was awful. You had been kidnapped by the Duke, and your
father took his ship out to sea to get you back, but you both went overboard. The Colonel died from his wounds from
the explosion was set off while you two were in the water; you were the only survivor.”
Merle slitted her eyes open, only to see a fuzzy image hovering in front of her face. “What are you talking about?
Who are you?”
There was soft gasp, and then the blur took her paw in it’s hands. “You don’t remember anything? You must have hit
your head against the side of the ship when you fell. My poor wife...”
Merle’s eyes almost bugged out of her head. “Your WIFE?!” (da dum!)
“Rest my sweet Merle. I’ll explain everything later.”
The sound of voices outside her room woke Merle from her nap. “I’m sorry Mr. Fawnell, but your
wife has amnesia.”
“How long will it last, Doctor?”
“A couple of days, weeks, or even years. She may never get her memory back; we can’t be certain about the whole
matter. It’s best she have no visitors besides hospital personnel, for she’s been through quite an ordeal.”
“Fine. But I want the best care for her, you understand me? The best!”
Merle snuggled back in her bed as the door opened and someone walked in. “How are we feeling today, Mrs.
Fawnell?”
Merle covered her head with her blanket. “My head feels like it’s been Americanized.”
“Ouch. That bad, huh?”
“Worse. You’re the doctor right?”
“Yes I am. If you don’t mind, I need give you a physical exam to see if you have any other injuries.”
Merle warily pulled down the blanket, and stared at the doctor in shock. “M-millerna?”
Millerna popped her head up in surprise, and smiled brightly. “You know me?”
“Of course I know you! What are you doing here? You’re not a doctor!”
Millerna huffed indignantly. “I’m a doctor! What do you think I am, some sort of ditz that learned medicine
through dated books and didn’t even go to medical school? You’d be glad when I operate on you tomorrow that I've
actually done it before!”
“Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!”
Fortunately for Merle, ‘Dr.’ Millerna had been killed later on that day when she was walking through the psychiatric
unit of the hospital by a blowtorch-carrying maniac. The only clues to the idendity of the culprit was a burnt guide of Fanelia and
a slightly damp copy of “Playpyro”. No one really cared that Millerna was killed, because she had been bragging
about her one and only surgery she performed in which the guy barely escaped with his life.
Merle sighed as she leaned against the window, staring at the dismal sky. She wanted to know what the heck was
going on, as do the rest of us.
“You shouldn’t be out of bed just yet.”
Merle jumped out of her fur as she turned around. “Ack, don’t do tha-What?!”
*narrator hands Merle back her fur*
*Merle sheepishly mouths, “Thanks” and puts in it back on, but then turns to figure who scared her* “HENTAI!!
WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?!”
“I was enjoying the view-I mean, I didn’t have time to tell you.”
Merle gulped when the figure came out of the shadows, and, going with her instincts, immediately glomped him.
“Van-sama!”
“Urm, no. I’m your husband, Ban. Ban Fawnell. Who’s Van-sama?”
*Merle gives narrator a thats-a-really-bad-joke look*
*narrator gives Merle a I-know-its-funny-and-genius look*
*Ban gives a what-the-hell-is-going-on look*
*the reader gives a this-better-get-back-on-track-before-I-die-of-boredom look*
Merle thought to herself; and thanks to this nifty Narrator-Goggles (TM), we can get into the deep complex mind of
a young cat-girl. (Back you sickos, back!! *cracks whip*) If this guy is really my husband, than that must mean
he’s my true love! He looks, sounds, and smells(mroww!) like Van-sama, but he’s married to me, and always will,
despite today’s high divorce rates! I’m so happy!
“Merle? You didn’t answer me. Who’s this ‘Van-sama’?”
“What? Oh, you just remind of someone by that name.” answered Merle in an embarrassed SD form.
“Cool! That’s your SIDS form, isn’t it?”
“ My ‘SIDS form’? SIDS is Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, you baka!”
“Sorry! I’m not a doctor; by the way, where is she?”
As Ban went to find a doctor that wasn’t dumb and dead, Merle immersed herself in her thoughts once more. Gah.
Was Van-sama ever this stupid? Hmm, there was that time where he risked his life to protect us and ended up being
captured. And those times when he followed Hitomi and Allen even though it was so obvious what they were doing.
And who could forget when he went back out in Escaflowne despite the Ispano’s clan warning, and he almost died.
Yep, that’s Van-sama all right.
When Ban entered the room again, apparently stumped by lack of doctors, Merle rushed over and hugged him.
“V-oops, Ban! I have a question. Do..do you like ‘football’?” Please say no!
“Of course not! I don’t like competitive sports; that’s why didn’t enroll Chid in Pee Wee
Baseball.”
“Chid?!” This is not looking good...
“Chid is our son; we have two children who’ve been worried about you. C’mon in guys!”
A young blond boy and a brown haired girl came running in, screaming, “Mommy! We missed you!”
Slightly puzzled as she received the children’s hugs, Merle looked to Ban for answers about their appearance.
“We..they..?”
Shaking his head, Ban put his hand on Chid’s head, ruffling the boy’s hair in a fatherly gesture. “We adopted Chid
when your friend, Marlene, died tragically. The Duke was angry all along because Chid wasn’t his, and he’s the
reason you’re here; he wanted to take his vengeance out Marlene’s friend.”
Ban moved to the young girl who was playing with a necklace around her neck. “We found Hitomi when she
dropped out of the sky in a blue beam of light. We’ve never been able to find where she came from, but that doesn’t
bother anybody.”
Merle sweatdropped a little. “But we’re an ideal, normal family, right?”
“Heavens no. I still have an obession to kill dragons I’m getting help for, Chid has a severe minority complex, and Hitomi is
expected to see horrifying visions around the age of 15. Other than that, we’re one big happy dysfunctional
family!”
Young Hitomi shouted happily, “And I’m gonna have a crush on Daddy and marry him someday!”
“Aiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!”
“Merle! Merle, wake up!”
Merle groaned as someone kept violently shaking her shoulder. “Go away, leave me alone...”
Clearing the mud from her eyes, she saw Van looking concerned down at her face. “Van-sama? Is that really
you?”
“Yes, it’s me. I’ve been worried about you.”
Dusting herself off, Merle now noticed the green sticker on the Zacpro. So that’s what happened; I must’ve had a
hallucination. Thank god. “You were worried about me Van-sama? Really?”
Van flashed her a big smile. “Of course I was! I want my pork rinds!”
SCRATCH!!
“Ow! What was that for? Better add Bactine to that shopping list...”
Ah, the smell of love and antiseptic is in the air.
That's it!! Sorry for the rushed ending!! Maybe when I have more time I'll revise it!! Until then, tell me what you think please!!
