Of Saiyans and Floppy Hats
(Blackness. This is the ultimate chaos, the swirl of everything that is and was and could ever be—the mind of a parody writer. Out of that chaos there come memories of DBZ, and out of those memories there comes—AN IDEA.)
(There is a *pop*. All the main adult characters from the Buu saga appear. They look around wildly for a moment, taking stock.)
Vegeta: Kakarrot! This is all your fault!
Goku: Huh? What is?
Vegeta: This whole foolish monstrosity!
Goku: Uh . . . (confusion bubbles)
Piccolo: I believe he is referring to our current situation.
Krillin: But how did we get here?
(They are all back alive and facing Buu at half power. No one remembers how this happened.)
Supreme Kai: I believe a higher power has placed us here for some unknown purpose.
Android 18: Does it matter why we’re here?
Vegeta: Rubbish! No higher power controls my actions!
Gohan: Um, Vegeta? If you’re wrong, that might be a dangerous thing to say—
(An anvil falls on Vegeta.)
Krillin: Huh?
Supreme Kai: (looks scared) What kind of power can manipulate us this way?
Vegeta: (crawls out from under anvil) Darn!
Gohan: Darn?
Krillin: Cartoon Network censorship. Just ignore it.
Goku: You should listen to the Supreme Kai, Vegeta.
Piccolo: It would be wise.
(Vegeta chucks the anvil at Goku.)
Vegeta: Shut up Kakarrot!
(Goku dodges the anvil, which hits Buu.)
Supreme Kai: (looks scared) Buu has awakened!
Gohan: Was he asleep?
Buu: Mean people! You mean to Buu!
Gohan: Oh, shoot . . .
Vegeta: Hah! What’s that overgrown blob of cotton candy going to do to us? Turn us into garden gnomes?
Buu: (pause) Garden gnomes? (confusion bubbles)
Goku: Oh, garden gnomes are these. (produces diagram) (everyone sweatdrops)
Buu: (confused expression becomes one of delight) Oooh! Buu like garden gnomes!
Supreme Kai: (looks scared) Oh, no! He’s going to—
(Buu raises his arms. Krillin and the Supreme Kai dive behind a boulder. Vegeta gets a funny expression, Piccolo looks freaked, Android 18 looks bored and the other two look puzzled.)
Goku: Uh-oh. This could be trouble—
(There is a flash of light from Buu’s antenna, and the world warps and twists. In a flash, everyone but Krillin and the Supreme Kai have become short, stumpy garden gnomes. Buu goes into his “house,” humming happily.)
Vegeta: AAAAAAAAAAAH! WHAT THE FREAK IS GOING ON?! (struggles to move and can’t)
Krillin: AAAAH! 18! You’re a gnome!
Android 18: I think I noticed. (tries unsuccessfully to flip her hair)
Gohan: This is bad!
Supreme Kai: I’m afraid they won’t be returned to normal unless we can kill Buu.
Vegeta: Kakarrot! This is all your fault! You just had to show him that ridiculous picture!
Goku: Hey, that’s not fair!
Vegeta: If I were the main character this never would have happened! You cheated me out of it!
Goku: How was I supposed to know ChiChi was the casting director?
Krillin: Hey, hey, let’s focus on the main problem here! The Supreme Kai and I will go see what we can do to help you guys.
Vegeta: And I’m supposed to feel better now? You’re both weaklings! I’m going to be stuck with a floppy hat and overalls for the rest of my life!
Goku: At least they’re not pink.
Vegeta: Shut up Kakarrot!
Krillin: Hey, look at that!
Piccolo: What?
Android 18: The Supreme Kai.
Gohan: He doesn’t look scared!
(collective pause)
Goku: So why are you so stressed out? If the Kai’s not worried, it can’t be that bad.
Vegeta: It certainly can! I’ll get you for this, Kakarrot!
Piccolo: I’m afraid I have to agree with Vegeta. Those two can’t kill Buu alone.
Gohan: But maybe Trunks and Goten can! Fusion, remember?
Vegeta: I don’t know what you’re talking about, but you’re not sending my son to get killed!
Krillin: Why not? Scared of what Bulma would do to you?
Vegeta: Shut up Kakarrot!
Goku: Hey, it wasn’t me that time!
Vegeta: Stop making pathetic excuses!
Piccolo: We won’t make things any better by arguing.
Supreme Kai: I’ve got it! Krillin, come with me.
Krillin: Where are we going?
Supreme Kai: There is one thing that can kill Majin Buu, but it’s in another area of the universe. We will go get it and return as soon as possible.
(They leave.)
Vegeta: Don’t you DARE leave me here!
Goku: It’s not so bad, Vegeta—Buu won’t bother us, more than likely.
Vegeta: I was talking about being left with you!
Goku: Why are you always so mean?
Vegeta: Shut up Kakarrot!
Gohan: Cheer up, everyone! The Supreme Kai and Krillin with get us fixed! In the meantime, anyone wanna do 3 minute mysteries?
(Piccolo looks constipated.)
(Meanwhile, in another area of the universe . . .)
Krillin: Are you sure about this?
Supreme Kai: Absolutely. There’s no need to worry.
Krillin: Good. It’s kind of annoying to have a gnome for a wife. So what are we looking for?
Supreme Kai: An ancient artifact of incredible power, guarded by the Kais for millennia. While I retrieve it from its secret hiding place, I must ask you not to look. (goes into giant colorful shrine)
Krillin: (sweatdrops) Well, I’ve heard of hiding things in plain sight . . . (dutifully turns around and closes his eyes)
Supreme Kai: All right, Krillin, you may look now.
(Krillin turns around again to see the Supreme Kai holding a tiny object that resembles a miniature accordion.)
Krillin: (sweatdrops) That’s the ancient, powerful artifact?
Supreme Kai: (looks scared) You doubt me?
Krillin: Shouldn’t you be angry instead of frightened?
Supreme Kai: Oops.
(Back with Goku . . .)
Gohan: Okay, so this man walks into a bar . . .
Goku: I mean it, Vegeta. You have a serious hostility problem. Would it make you feel better to talk about it?
Vegeta: SHUT THE FREAKING HECK UP KAKARROT!
Android 18: Get back here now, Krillin.
Piccolo: (tries fervently to meditate)
Gohan: Isn’t anyone going to ask me a yes-or-no question?
(Back with Krillin and the Supreme Kai . . .)
Krillin: So how does this thing work?
(moment of silence)
Supreme Kai: I have no idea.
(Krillin falls over.)
Supreme Kai: Furthermore, if used incorrectly, it could destroy the planet.
(A large sweatdrop appears on Krillin’s foot, which is the only part of him we can see.)
Supreme Kai: However, I am sure we will be able to figure it out. We have plenty of time.
Krillin: But Buu will destroy the planet!
Supreme Kai: (looks scared) Oh, no! I forgot!
(The weight of Krillin’s sweatdrop prevents him from getting up.)
Supreme Kai: There is no time to waste!
(He flies off. A moment later he returns to get Krillin. They leave.)
(Back with Goku . . .)
Vegeta: I’ll close that mouth of yours for good! (exerts all his power and manages to scoot towards Goku)
Goku: Hey, HEY! (scoots away)
Piccolo: . . . (sweatdrop)
(They scoot around the area for a bit until Vegeta overbalances and falls over with a noise something like ‘tunk’. He swears, valiantly trying to override the censors. An innocent dandelion turns brown and wilts.)
Goku: I didn’t know those words existed . . .
(Piccolo looks greener than usual. Gohan stares, fascinated. Android 18 shuts herself off.)
Goku: Are you all right, Vegeta?
Vegeta: #@!*!%*$&^!!!
Gohan: Wow! He broke the Funimation Barrier!
Goku: I thought you got a sonic boom when you did that . . .
(Suddenly, Sharpner appears.)
Sharpner: Oh, ick! What are these—is that you, Gohan?
Gohan: Oh, crap!
Sharpner: This is great! I’m gonna make a fool out of you, and Videl will have to like me! (pulls out camera and takes pictures)
Gohan: STOPPIT!! (tries to scoot behind Piccolo)
Goku: Piccolo, do something!
(Piccolo tries to sweatdrop, but has reached his quota for the day. He sighs with a little mushroom poof and breaks the camera.)
Sharpner: AAAAH! It happened AGAIN!
Gohan: Um, yeah, what a bummer . . .
Sharpner: I’M GONNA SUE! (leaves)
Goku: Phew. That was close. Need help getting up, Vegeta?
Vegeta: Shut up Kakarrot! (he bites Goku on the ankle)
Goku: OW! What was that for?!
(Back with Krillin and the Supreme Kai . . .)
(The two land just outside a city that Buu is terrorizing and hide behind a boulder.)
Krillin: What now?
Supreme Kai: We have to distract Majin Buu from his destruction, and then get close enough to use the artifact.
Krillin: But you said you didn’t know to work it!
Supreme Kai: Yes, Krillin, but I researched it on the way over. (pulls out a tiny book called ‘Ancient Artifacts of the Kais’)
Krillin: I see. The pocket edition. (sweatdrop)
Supreme Kai: This artifact can musically erase things, and I’m going to erase Majin Buu!
(Dramatic music.)
Krillin: I didn’t think an accordion could do anything musically, but if you say so.
Supreme Kai: Here he comes!
(He leaps out from behind the boulder and shouts at Buu. Buu stops and lands close to them.)
Krillin: Are you INSANE, Shin?!
Supreme Kai: Now, Majin Buu, your reign of terror shall cease once and for all! Prepare yourself!
(He begins to hop around, playing random notes on the accordion. The boulder and the tie to Krillin’s uniform vanish.)
Krillin: Eek! (hides behind another rock)
Buu: ???
Supreme Kai: Why isn’t it working?
Krillin: (holding his uniform closed) It’s times like this I wish I had shoelaces!
(The Supreme Kai begins to play faster. A bunch of the rocks and plants in the area go poof, along with Krillin’s hair.)
Krillin: AAAH! IT TOOK FOREVER TO GROW THAT OUT! (runs out to the Supreme Kai) Cut that out before I get erased!
Supreme Kai: We may never have a better chance! (plays another note) (Krillin’s left shoe vanishes)
Krillin: That’s IT! (he smacks the Supreme Kai, filching the accordion)
Supreme Kai: Give that back to me! It’s a priceless artifact!
Krillin: It took my hair! My wife’s gonna be so pissed!
(They get in a catfight. Miscellaneous objects disappear as they fight over the accordion. Buu looks intensely confused.)
Supreme Kai: IT’S MINE!
Krillin: IT ATE MY HAIR!
(Krillin gets ahold of it and flies off. The Supreme Kai pursues. Buu shrugs and goes back to killing people.)
(Back with Goku . . .)
(Freed from the constraint of the censors, Vegeta keeps up a never-ending stream of invective. Gohan takes mental notes while Goku tries to make him stop. Piccolo makes a serious attempt at following Android 18’s example.)
Goku: C’mon, Vegeta, cut it out! We might have young viewers! (pause) Or would that be young readers?
Gohan: Shut up, Dad! I missed that last one!
Goku: ChiChi’s gonna kill me!
(A black attack helicopter appears and lands near the group. Men in black ninja suits with Funimation logos hop out and descend upon Vegeta. The swearing stops. The men jump back in their helicopter and leave.)
Everyone: (sweatdrop)
Piccolo: What was that?
Goku: Vegeta? Are you all right?
Vegeta: Mfut upf Kafkarrfotf! (tries to chew through the ‘Do Not Open Until Xmas’ sticker on his mouth)
Piccolo: I wonder why the Supreme Kai and Krillin haven’t returned yet.
Gohan: Do you think they ran into some trouble?
Goku: Gosh, I hope they’re not hurt or anything.
(About half a mile away . . .)
Supreme Kai: I order you to give it back!
Krillin: No way! This thing’s dangerous!
Supreme Kai: I said GIVE IT!
(He bitchslaps Krillin.)
(Back with Goku . . .)
Gohan: Nah. I’m sure they can handle themselves.
(Android 18 comes awake.)
Android 18: They’re close. I sense them.
Vegeta: (chomp) (chomp)
Goku: Hey, look! Here they come!
(The Supreme Kai is chasing Krillin, who is clutching the accordion. As they approach, the sound of arguing can be heard.)
Krillin: Nuh uh! You can’t use this!
Supreme Kai: I am one of the Kais, of course I can!
Krillin: You’re too incompetent, so no you can’t!
(The garden gnomes look on, except for Vegeta, who’s still chewing away.)
Android 18: We’re doomed. My husband’s lost it.
(Krillin and the Supreme Kai start slapping at each other like prisses.)
Goku: Krillin, Master Roshi wouldn’t like this!
(Krillin manages to reclaim the accordion just as Sharpner returns.)
Sharpner: Hah! I have a new camera now, and I’m gonna get your picture, Gohan!
Krillin: Huh? (notices that the background music has changed since the annoying blond showed up) I’ve got it! (listens for a moment and starts playing the music)
Sharpner: *snap* Ha ha! I’ve got you no— (he disappears) (the camera drops and breaks)
Gohan: Krillin, you’re a genius!
Goku: What happened to your hair? Did you shave it off again?
Supreme Kai: (looks scared) How did you do that?
Krillin: That must be how it works! To erase a person, you have to play their theme music! (pause) What happened to Vegeta?
Goku: The Funimation ninja S.W.A.T. team came down in a helicopter and censored him.
Krillin: Ah . . .
Gohan: YES! YES! SHARPNER’S GONE! WOOHOO!
Supreme Kai: Now that we all know how it works, I, as the Supreme Kai, am best qualified to operate that artifact. Hand it over!
Krillin: Not after what happened to my hair!
Goku: So that’s where it went!
Vegeta: (spits out sticker) I’M GOING TO KILL YOU KAKARROT!
Kuririn: Eep!
Gohan: Huh?
Goku: (ignoring Vegeta) What was that?
Android 18: What was what?
Piccolo: Something strange . . . (gasp) Kuririn! Your name!
Kuririn: Huh?
(There are sounds of whacking from on high.)
Krillin: What’s going on?
Goku: I think it’s back to normal now.
Gohan: What just happened?
Supreme Kai: (looks scared) I don’t know . . .
Vegeta: I WILL NOT BE IGNORED! (thrash)
Goku: Well, SOMEONE needs a hug . . .
Vegeta: Don’t you DARE!
Goku: I wasn’t going to, but the Supreme Kai can still move—
Vegeta & Supreme Kai: Shut up Kakarrot!
(Everyone face-faults.)
Krillin: Anyway, we have to get Buu to come to us somehow. Suggestions?
Piccolo: If only we could lure him here . . .
Gohan: Let’s use Trunks and Goten! He wanted revenge on them, right?
Android 18: That was Babidi, moron.
Gohan: Oh. Well, what’s the difference?
Everyone: (sweatdrop)
Goku: What if we offered him a strong fighter? That worked once before, didn’t it?
Krillin: Maybe, but since our two strongest are gnomes right now . . .
(Buu appears in the sky, making the discussion moot, and lands near them. The Supreme Kai snatches the accordion and gets ready for the theme music to start.)
Krillin: This is it!
Gohan: We’re finally going to win!
(They wait while Buu comes closer. No music.)
Piccolo: Why isn’t the music starting?
Goku: Well, who’s in charge of it?
Supreme Kai: (looks scared) Funimation! They don’t want us to win!
Android 18: Why not?
Supreme Kai: Because the accordion wasn’t their idea! Now they’ve cut off the theme music!
Krillin: Quick! Who remembers it?
(There is a moment of silence during which several funny expressions progress across Piccolo’s face. Then he begins to whistle.)
Vegeta: What the hell is that?
(Everyone stares at Piccolo until the Supreme Kai shakes his head and begins to mimic the whistle on the accordion.)
Buu: (looks angry) Buuuuu!
(Buu flickers in and out, fighting the accordion.)
Gohan: I think it’s working! You’re a genius, Piccolo!
(Piccolo ignores him.)
(Suddenly, a large anvil with a Funimation logo lands next to the Supreme Kai, narrowly missing him. He leaps back and looks scared.)
Goku: Kai! Keep playing!
(A pretty glowing force field appears around the Supreme Kai. Little hearts float away from it as it deflects another anvil.)
Krillin: What’s going on?
Goku: I think the writers are having a fight with Funimation.
Gohan: Wow! Cool!
(Android 18 rolls her eyes. Another force field appears around Vegeta, who swears at all the little hearts.)
Gohan: Hey! What about us? Bummer . . .
(A force field of a different color appears around Gohan.)
Goku: I feel left out!
Piccolo: . . .
Android 18: . . .
Krillin: Why’s it a different color?
Gohan: (pokes force field, interested) Must be the other writer.
Krillin: How do you know we have two?
Gohan: (shrugs) I dunno.
Supreme Kai: PAY ATTENTION TO ME!
(Everyone dutifully pays attention. Buu appears to be losing the fight, and despite falling lawn mowers and pianos and elephants, the force fields are holding.)
Goku: This isn’t fair! How come the authors don’t love me?
Vegeta: (somewhat smugly) Shut up Kakarrot!
(An ‘aww’ of pity is heard and a shield of the same hearts and color as Gohan’s appears around Goku.)
Goku: Cool! I guess one of them likes me as well!
Krillin: (dodging stuff) This one’s the same as Gohan’s . . . should we be worried?
(Some evil snickering is heard, followed by a smack.)
Vegeta: Taking pity gifts! You’re such a weakling, Kakarrot!
Buu: Heehee! Funimation wanna hurt youuu!
(The battle of Funimation vs. Fanfic Authors continues. Piccolo and Android 18 put up their own shields and watch.)
Gohan: (watching the spray of hearts as a picnic table hits his shield) This could go on forever.
Voice #1: You’re right. We may have to deal with them personally. Shall we, Samu-chan?
Voice #2: Sounds like fun, Ji-chan.
Goku: The voices! They’ve come back! (tries to hide)
(The lights dim and a projector screen appears. Two chibi females with giant chibi mallets run into a building marked ‘Funimation, Inc.’ There are crunching and thrashing noises. Cut to shot of chibi Gen Fukunaga duct-taped to a wall. Some cute chibi credits run.)
Everyone: (massive sweatdrop)
(All the falling things and force fields vanish, along with the projector.)
Krillin: I see a little white room in my future . . .
Supreme Kai: Hah! Now we can win!
(He begins playing again, following the restored theme music, and Buu disappears with a *pop*.)
Goku: Woohoo! We win! Nyeh nyeh!
Piccolo: But why are we still gnomes?
(There is a pause.)
Android 18: I knew it.
Goku: This sucks!
(Gohan despairs loudly.)
Vegeta: Kakarrot! This is all your fault!
Goku: C’mon, don’t start that again . . . We’ll find a way to get back to normal! We’re the Z Fighters! We can do anything!
Everyone: SHUT UP KAKARROT!
THE END
(Credits. The chibi authors are playing a giant game of Whack-A-Mole with Gen and Cindy Fukunaga, who tried to escape down a manhole. Happy music. Fade out.)
