This pad was given to me as a going away present, from my Uncle. It has been almost 18 months since I settled down in Tokyo-3, and I am starting to write in this dang thing.

There are so many things I could write about, but there is no real use in talking about the past, with things that are already stuck in my head forever.

I guess, as of lately I've kinda' been dwelling on some things. Why a person my age would be thinking of these things, I have no idea..

I wonder when it started.. the thoughts that is.. I stare down at my hand.. and ponder existence.. I wonder about life.. death.. and my father. This is stupid.. have I reduced myself to begin jotting down how I feel on a piece of paper? Sad, but it feels gratifying.. like I'm losing tension through these words..

I bet Asuka will find this later.. she goes through my room when I'm not here.. at least I think she does.. I've found my things out of place every now and then.. or maybe it is Misato.. or Pen Pen.. ugh.. Now I'm just being paranoid..

Anyways.. as I was saying.. I've just really been thinking about my being.. the reason for being.. I was sitting in the Entry plug on Tuesday for synch testing, and I felt something on the back of my neck.. maybe that is when it started.. that familiar thought that hurts my head..

I can't stop thinking about human nature.. and how we act around people. I asked Misato about it, why humans act the way that they do one night.. she said something about Human Nature.. That really started to get me thinking. Is it human nature for people to block eachother out? Is it human nature for a father to avoid his son? Is it human nature for me to feel the way I do?

I was also sitting in class, and couldn't help but see a couple in the back row, a boy and a girl, making out.. I know it isn't polite to stare.. but.. it got me thinking back to the human nature thing.

I heard Kaji and Misato last night.. and that definitely got me thinking..

Is it human nature to do such.. such.. carnal things? To have sex with people? To be drawn in to lust? Is that how my father felt about my mother? Is that.. how Asuka feels about me? Misato acts so mean around Kaji.. and then she tells him that she really cares for him.. Is that, how Asuka sees me?

I don't think I could ever do something like that.. dirty my body.. be used by some girl.. have her toss me aside when she is done with me..

And then..

Maybe..

It's stupid to think it but..

Maybe with.. Ayanami..

NO! That couldn't happen.. Ayanamiis just a friend.. besides.. Asuka is the only real looker I know..

WHAT AM I SAYING?!

Aww.. this existence crap is clouding my eyes! Asuka is just a snotty bitch!

Ermm.. hope she doesn't read this..

Anyways.. I'll write in here again if Asuka doesn't find this..

I'll have to ask others about this Human Nature thing.. maybe Ritsuko if I can ever find her..

Umm..

Ja?