All I want to do is rest.

    I slowly climb the stairs, books clutched in both arms and pressed against my chest. My shirt is sticking to me although I wiped myself down with a towel after the conditioning at the gym. The others on my gym team are used to such physical labor, but I have never had a need to be as fit and trim as they are. What need do I have for it? I sit in front of a computer. That is my job. I thought joining something like the gym team would be an interesting change for me, one step towards normalcy, but I have not adjusted to the exertion yet.

    My thoughts turn to my bed, which I would willingly drop into. And yet, it is forbidden to me. There is still too much to do. There is still the research paper due in two weeks that I have not begun on. It will take a great deal of work to complete, if I want to make a good grade. There are still the general housekeeping tasks that the others look down upon doing.

    And there is still you.

~
With one light on in one room
I know you're up when I get home
With one small step upon the stair
I know your look when I get there
~

    You are there when I enter the apartment, sitting in your chair. The newspaper is held in both hands, but you lower it enough to gaze over it at me. I pause when I feel your eyes upon me and return the stare with a calm expression. You would not be looking directly at me like this if you did not want something from me.

    There will be no rest for me tonight.

    I slide my eyes past you and continue on, forcing my tired legs to carry me past you. There is a cold chill that trickles down my spine that I fight to ignore. I hate that look. At one time, I craved it. I needed it, because it was a sign that I was needed somewhere, that I belonged somewhere. In your warm arms, I could allow myself the illusion of security. Why was I not smart enough to know that your arms were never there for comfort? They were merely a wall, keeping me where you wanted me.

    I do not belong; I am merely a possession.

    I enter the kitchen to find him there. He is smoking, standing close by the exhaust fan that is mounted above the stove. His eyes flick towards me, unreadable, and he looks away again. Ash collects on the tip of his cigarette and he shakes it free with a quick jerk that I recognize to be upset. He does not look at me again. His companion is standing at the other end of the kitchen, gaze on me. Both are silent, and the air swirls with the thickness of unease. They know what is going on, what is going to happen. I know they disapprove; I found out a few weeks ago. It was a surprise to me to find out that they hate this as much as I do. I cannot decide if knowing their feelings is comforting or just makes me more nauseous.

    After all, there is nothing any of us can do.

    He drowns his cigarette in the sink as I stand there, just inside the doorway, watching him. He shoves the ash tray away with an impatient shove and turns, stalking from the kitchen. He avoids my gaze as he goes and even is careful not to brush against me. My eyes go back to his companion, who is following in his footsteps. Unlike his partner, his gaze remains upon me as he leaves.

    Nothing at all.

    You are the only one who can do anything.

    You are the only one who can set me free.

    But you won't.

~
If you were a king up there on your throne
Would you be wise enough to let me go
For this queen you think you own
Wants to be a hunter again
I want to see the world alone again
To take a chance on life again
So let me go
~

    I have just set my school books down on my desk when I feel your presence behind me. I have known you for too long in too many intimate ways to not be able to sense you. Once it gave me a thrill; now I feel a stab of panic that threatens to choke me. I am special- I am privileged. I sit in the seat of honor. I am the chosen one.

    Please, not anymore.

    I do not want this seat.

    Despite my attempts to stop myself, I can feel my eyes stinging with the first traces of tears. I fight them back with a silent gasp, struggling to slide into the emotionless mask you wish to see. Your arms slide against me, wrapping around my slender waist. I can feel your breath on my neck as you dip your head to press your nose into the base of my skull. I curl my fingers around your arms, forcing myself not to squeeze too tightly.

    It would be so easy to force you away, but I will not. I have been programmed to never strike against you. My shattered self was easily imprinted and bonded to this place we so mockingly call a home, to these people he scornfully calls a family. He was correct in all of his words that rippled with disdainful laughter. A home is somewhere where everyone belongs. It is a warm place, a safe nesting place. It is a place to lower shields and bask in human companionship.

    This is not a home; it is a prison.

    Only a prison could be this cold, could push such a hollow feeling into my very soul.

    But I don't have a soul, do I? You told me yourself that I do not.

    I want to hate you, but I can only hate your touch.

~
The unread book and painful look
The tv's on, the sound is down
One long pause, then you begin
Oh look what the cat's brought in
~

    Your arms are moving; your fingers are brushing against the smooth skin of my cheek. You guide me forward in a way that can almost be called a push, sending me to the hard mattress I use as a bed each night. I know my role well. I allow myself to be brought forward, and climb onto the mattress when we reach it. I fight away the tears, knowing that you do not want to see them. I turn, tilting a stony face to you. I am obedient. I am silent. I am everything you demand me to be.

    I am everything I do not wish to be.

    Your fingers begin to push at the soft material of my school uniform, expertly undoing the buttons that hold the shirt together. I allow you to do so, waiting motionlessly until you have freed me of it. You toss it aside carelessly and I watch it go, watch it crumple against the ground untidily. It gives me a few moments free of looking at you.

    You demand my attention, your long fingers cupping the side of my face. I look back at you. We gaze at each other in silence. I wonder then, as I always do, what you see when you stare back into my eyes. Do you see the ice that has penetrated me to freeze my core? Do you see the shattered hopes of one who is only struggling to get free? Do you see how much I resent this?

    Of course not. I will never allow you to see that. So what do you see instead?

    I suppose you only see your reflection, shining back at you from my dead eyes.

    That's what you want, isn't it?

~
If you were a king up there on your throne
Would you be wise enough to let me go
For this queen you think you own
Wants to be a hunter again
I want to see the world alone again
To take a chance on life again
So let me go
Let me leave
~

    As I do every time, I try to fill my mind with other things as you kiss me. Once your kiss was hot enough to burn a fire within me, speaking of promises and thrills. Now it is nothing more than something I will automatically respond to, something that serves to make me feel dirtier than I already am. Your fingers twist themselves in my hair in an almost painful grip as you continue to ravage my mouth.

    I lift my arms to wrap them around your neck, filling my mind with thoughts of the others at my school. I wonder when I will be able to do the conditioning exercise without it hurting so much. I wonder when I will be able to lead a normal school life. I wonder if that is even possible. Can one like me ever be considered normal? Never- not with the things I have seen and done. Once, it did not matter to me that I did not fit in with the others. Once, I thought of everyone else as mindless and unworthy, as people who could not understand the truth of the world.

    Now I have learned that there is no truth in the world. There are only lies, lies and control. You are an expert at control. I am an expert at lies.

    So much has happened, and now it is the company of those I once ignored that I yearn for. I want to be one of them. I want to be one of those people that has a home to go return to and a family to care for. I want to look up at the sky and watch the birds fly, swift and free. I want to see a smiling face without wondering why the teeth are showing between the lips. I want to sprawl on a hillside and watch the clouds, to have nothing better to do with my time than daydream.

    Everyone else talks about a future. Will I ever have a future?

    No, I will not. I am destined to be here, held in these arms of yours. I allow myself to be lowered backwards. The bed creaks under your weight as you climb on, hovering over me. Your mouth leaves mine to trail down my throat and I close my eyes under the pretense of pleasure.

    I close them because I can feel the tears again.

    I stepped into your embrace knowing what the costs would be. I knew when I first let you claim me what you would expect of me. I just never expected this restlessness and resentment. I never expected this wish to be elsewhere, to be free.

    It is a silly wish. I remember you telling me that there is no time to dream or wish. Those who stop to allow themselves such foolish things will never see the opportunities ahead of them and will jeapordize their own futures. Those are your words exactly. Perhaps I should have gone ahead and allowed myself such luxuries; I have no future, anyway.

~
For the crown you've placed upon my head feels too heavy now
And I don't know what to say to you but I'll smile anyhow
And all the time I'm thinking, thinking
~

    I cannot help but think about my earlier years in times like these. There is much to think about them, and the more the better. I can almost drown out your touch, a touch that makes my skin crawl. I can almost drown out your breath on me, a breath that chills me to the bone.

    I am no fool; I know that what I have now is amazing considering where I came from. I know that if I had not met you I would have continued along the darker path that he took. I've seen the look in his eyes when he remembers those times, the way his fingers twitched when we dealt with that drug addict. I could see the burning need in his eyes for just a second, a need to use the drugs to free himself from reality. I know that I would have ended up like that man or worse if you had not come along and swept me into the arms of charity.

    Then, I was grateful enough to be stupid. Now I wish I had never seen you.

    At least I would have been free out there.

~
I want to be a hunter again
I want to see the world alone again
To take a chance on life again
So let me go
~

    It is over.

    You lay beside me for a few moments to gather your breath, then calmly slide from the bed. I watch you go through unreadable eyes. At one time you would have stayed and held me in a possessive grip that would keep me from going anywhere. Now that you know I will not leave, you have more precious things to do with your time. You dress quickly and readjust yourself until there is no sign of what just happened.

    You leave without a backward glance, to immerse yourself into the world of politics that you use to keep yourself going. You are nothing but a machine, an efficient robot that keeps itself going by stealing lives from others. You do not know the iciness that swallows the rest of us whole because you cannot feel anything.

    And I, despite everything you tried to drill into me, feel too much.

    When I close my eyes against the tears that burn there, I can see only blue, with birds sweeping through.

    Fly, little birds, fly.

~
I want to be a hunter again
I want to see the world alone again
To take a chance on life again
So let me go
Let me leave
Let me go
~


Back to Mami's Fics
Review