Q. whats the difference between your mam and the titanic?

A. the titanic sank and your mam floated!!!

Your mam is so fat she stood on a dogs tail and we had to change his name to beaver!!!

Your mam is so fat when the police see you in the street corner they yell "hey you guys break it up"!!!

Your mam is so fat she makes Godzilla look like an action figure!!!

Your mam is so dirty she has to creep up on the bath water!!!

Your mam is like a big mac, full of fat and worth 0.99p!!!

Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden gets off the camel and lifts up its tail and looks at the camel's butt, just then a guy comes over and says, "What are you doing?" Osama replies, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at the two ***holes on that camel.'"

Q. Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have *** with his five wives?

A. Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush!!!!

Q. How does Osama bin Laden practice safe ***?

A. He marks the camels that kick!!!!

Did you know they are taking out all the K-Marts in Afghanistan? They are putting in TARGETS!!!

Q. How do you stop a Taliban tank?

A. Shoot the guy pushing it!!!!

Q. What do you call Osama bin Laden buried up to his neck in sand?

A. Not enough sand!!!!!

Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you each one wish. That's three wishes total," says the genie.

The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."

Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."

Dirty Jokes

A man goes into a supermarket and buys a tube of toothpaste, a bottle of Pepsi, a bag of tortilla chips, and a frozen pizza. The cute girl at the register looks at him and says, "Single, huh?" Sarcastically the guy sneers, "How'd you guess?"

She replies, "Because you're f****** ugly."

A private was serving duties at his barracks in the car-park booth. The phone in the booth rang and the private answered. The other person on the phone, sounding rather distressed, said, "Quick soldier, tell me what cars there are in the car-park.'' So the private looked outside and came back to the phone, ''There's a Bentley at the far end belonging to that fat b****** Colonel Parker.'' ''Do you know who this is?'' the voice screamed, ''This is Colonel Parker.'' The private seeming unphased, replied ''Well, do you know who this is?'' ''No'' was the reply. ''Well f*** off then!'' barked the private.

A nerdy little accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a cell with a huge guy with a big bulge. The cellmate says, "I wanna have some ***. Are you gonna be the husband or the wife?" The little guy says, "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I'd rather be the husband." The big guy says, "Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife's ****."

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in he realizes it's a g** bar. He thinks, 'What the hell, I really want a drink.' A g** waiter swishes up to him and says, ''What's the name of your p****?'' The customer is shocked and says, ''Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink.'' The g** waiter says, ''I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your p****.'' So the customer says, ''All right, what's the name of YOUR p****?'' The g** waiter says, ''NIKE. You know, JUST DO IT.'' The customer thinks for a moment and says, ''The name of my p**** is 'Secret.''' ''Secret?'' says the waiter, confused. The customer says, ''Yeah...STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!''

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word “f***”. It is the one magical word, which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, “f***” falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (Mary f***** John) and intransitive (John was f***** by Mary). It can be an action verb (John really gives a f***), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a f***), an adverb (Mary is f****** interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific f***). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is f****** beautiful) or an interjection (F***! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (John is ugly, f***, he's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word “f***.” Aside from its s***** connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations: 1) Surprise -- “What the f*** are you doing here?” 2) Fraud -- “I got f***** by the car dealer.” 3) Resignation -- “Oh, f*** it!” 4) Trouble -- “I guess I'm f***** now.” 5) Aggression -- “F*** YOU!” 6) Disgust -- “F*** me.” 7) Confusion -- “What the f***...?” 8) Difficulty -- “I don't understand this f****** business!” 9) Despair -- “F***** again....” 10) Pleasure -- “I f****** couldn't be happier.” 11) Displeasure -- “What the f*** is going on here?” 12) Lost -- “Where the f*** are we?” 13) Disbelief -- “UN-F******-BELIEVABLE!” 14) Retaliation -- “Up your f****** ass!” 15) Denial -- “I didn't f****** do it.” 16) Perplexity -- “I know f***-all about it.” 17) Apathy -- “Who really gives a f***, anyhow?” 18) Greetings -- “How the f*** are ya?” 19) Suspicion -- “Who the f*** are you?” 20) Panic -- “Let's get the f*** out of here.” 21) Directions -- “F*** off.” 22) Awe -- “How the f*** did you do that?” It can be used in an anatomical description -- “He's a f****** asshole.” It can be used to tell time -- “It's five f****** thirty.” It can be used in business -- “How did I wind up with this f****** job?” It can be maternal -- “Motherf*****.” It can be political -- “F*** Clinton!” It has also been used by many notable people throughout history: “What the f*** was that?” -- Mayor of Hiroshima “Where did all these f****** Indians come from?” -- General Custer “That's not a real f****** gun, is it?” -- John Lennon “Who's gonna f****** find out?” -- Richard Nixon “Why the f*** did that apple hit me?” -- Issac Newton “Heads are going to f****** roll.” -- Marie Antoinette “I could have used a f****** map.” -- Ulysses “Where the f*** is all this water coming from?” -- Captain of the Titanic “Any f****** idiot could understand that.” -- Albert Einstein “It DOES SO f****** look like her!” -- Picasso “Okay, I know... we'll build this BIG f****** wall to keep them out.” -- Emperor of the Ch'in Dynasty “I can't believe I just f****** said that.” -- Patrick Henry “F****** backstabbers!” -- Julius Caesar “You want what on the f****** ceiling?” -- Michelangelo “Fellatio is not f******!” -- Bill Clinton “Where is that f****** pizza guy?” -- Elvis “Why? Because its f****** there!” -- Sir Edmund Hilary “I don't suppose its gonna f****** rain?” -- Joan of Arc “Scattered f****** showers my ass.” -- Noah “I need this parade like I need a f****** hole in my head.” -- John F. Kennedy “What are the f****** chances I'm going to heaven?” -- Adolf Hitler “Hey, where the f*** are your turbans?” -- Christopher Columbus when he discovered the “Indians”.

This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them. "You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money." Then she whispers, "You know that b***j** I promised you? Well, here it comes..."

Jokes I've been sent

These are by Alan Bennett

Q. What's the only part of a vegetable that you can't eat?

A. His wheelchair!!?

Q. What do you call a prost***** with white eyes?

A. Full

Q. What do you call a scouser in a suit?

A. The accused

Q. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

A. Because it was dead

Q. What's 6 feet tall, 500 pounds and would hurt if it fell on you?

A. A fridge

There's an englishman, an Irishman and a Scottishman and they all want to join the SAS. The instructor says to the Englishman "Right, there's a woman in room 1, I want you to go in there and kill her. So, off he goes. 5 minutes later he comes back and says "I can't kill her, that's my wife!". The instructor says "Right, you've FAILED the test. To the Scottishman the instructor says "There's a woman in room 2, I want you to go in there and kill her. So, off he goes. 5 minutes later he comes back and says "I pulled the trigger, but no bullets came out of this pants gun!" So the instructor says "Right, you've passed because you can take orders. To the Irishman the instructor says "There's a woman in room 3, I want you to go in there and kill her". So, off he goes. 30 minutes later he comes back. The instructor says "What took you so long?" The Irishman says "There was no bullets in the gun so I has to beat her to death with the wardrobe!"

Q. What has two legs and bleeds?

A. Half a dog

Superman was bored, so he rang up Spiderman. "Spiderman, you coming out mate?" He said. "Can't, I've got Mary Jane round". Superman hangs up the phone. He says "Everybody's got a bird except me. I know, I'll go to Superwoman's house!" He goes to Superwoman's house, and knocks on the door. There's no answer, but he knows she is in because he can see her through the window. Hang on, Superman thinks, with my super powers, I could go in there, have *** with her, and come back out again without her noticing. So he does. "What was that?" Superwoman says. The invisible man says "I don't know but my a** hurts!"

Paddy and Murphy are both tired of their jobs, so they decide to fake a hearing illness. Paddy goes first into the doctors. He goes in, and the doctor says "Will you shut the door please?" Paddy shuts the door. The doctor says "Right, your hearing's fine, get out" Paddy goes to Murphy and says "Whatever you do, don't shut the door" So, Murphy goes into the doctors office. The doctor says "Will you shut the door please?" Murphy says "No shut it yourself you dozey c***"

These were posted by Jonathon Brown

knock knock,

whos there?

doctor,

doctor who?

how did you know?

he he he he!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

laugh now fa***** before i f****** kill you all you f****** jews!!!!!!!!

Msg to Jonny: mind your language please AND RACISM IS ILLEGAL YOU IDIOT!!!

More jokes by Alan Bennett

Here is some really f****** crap jokes sent in by me

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it was a fa****

What's brown and sticky

Yer mam

What's got one leg and bleeds

An Al Quaida prisoner

Paddy and Murphy sat in a field. Paddy fell off.

Bogoff, manners and crap are walking at the side of the road. Bogoff hears a squish, turns around and sees that crap has been run over. Bogoff goes to the police station and manners tries to get crap off the road. Bogoff goes up to the receptionist, and explains. "What's your name" the receptionist asks.

"Bogoff", Bogoff replies.

"Where's your manners" Says the receptionist.

"Outside picking crap off the road"

Right, Gerard Houllier, the Liverpool boss, decides he wanta really cheap, brilliant player. So, he sends his scouts off to Afghanistan. A few weeks later, they come back with this 17 year old wonderkind. he plays in the first match of the season, scores 3 and sets up another 3. After the match, he's so happy that he rings his family and tells them. He says "I'm so happy" His mother says "Well we're not. Your brother's been killed, me and your sister have been ra***, and your father's been mortally wounded twice. And, it's all your fault."

"Why's it my fault" The kid asks

"Well, you're the one who brought us to Liverpool"

If you have any more jokes e-mail me at RyoDeathScyth@hotmail.com

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