DISCLAIMER : None of these characters are my own. Neither is the world of Evangelion, the story, the events, the lines, or pretty much anything else. It's all owned by GAINAX. In addition, if any of these characters or events resemble real-life people or events, that is totally unintentional. " " denotes speech ^ ^ denotes thought _ _ denotes emphasis (italics) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- An Unwilling Angel Author : Ryan Xavier Prologue : Hold Me Again It was midafternoon in Tokyo-3 when a knocking came at the door. The person knocking didn't try the bell; they knew it wouldn't work. Not satisfied with waiting, the person on the other side opened the unlocked door. The door squeaked loudly on its ungreased hinges. On the other side stood Ritsuko Akagi. After pushing the door open wide enough to admit her, she slipped inside and let it close behind her. "Rei?" she called out, stepping into the dirty, unlit apartment that was Rei Ayanami's home. There was no answer. But this was not out of place; Rei rarely spoke, even to answer a call. Akagi walked into the apartment, looking back and forth for the young girl. "Rei, where are you? We've got a harmonics test in an hour." Still no response. Akagi finished checking the apartment over, finding that it was empty. It seemed Rei had stepped out for a minute. That was odd, in and of itself. She wondered where the girl could have gone. Akagi was about to leave when she saw an envelope sitting on the bedroom's small dresser. Interested, she went over and picked it up. It wasn't that she disrespected Rei's privacy; she'd just grown used to Rei having no concept of privacy. And right now, interest over what could be inside this very out-of-place item was overpowering any kind of social rules she may have known. The letter was not sealed. Akagi opened it carefully and removed a paper from it. She unfolded it, smoothing it out on the wall. She blinked a few times when she saw it was an honest-to-goodness letter, not a status report, or anything else Rei might have had in her apartment. It was also in Rei's neat, efficient handwriting. Interest goaded her on, and she began to read. "Ikari, "I do not know why I am writing this now. I suppose the true question is why I did not write it earlier. In retrospect, I suppose I should have put this to paper some time ago. Why the defeat of the Fifteenth Angel should give me the courage to write is something I don't understand. "But I digress. Ikari, I am writing this to tell you that I may not survive to see the end of the final Angel. I suppose it could be called "woman's intuition," but it is something more. I've seen the way the Commander looks at me. We do not talk the way we used to. It seems he expects me to die soon. "At first, this revelation did not bother me. Death is the natural course of life; there is no way to escape it. I suppose that is why I did not write this earlier. But as time went on, I began to think about my doom. There is little I would regret; in all probability I would end my life while fighting in Eva. This is the way I would prefer to die. But -" Akagi stopped reading, studying that last word. There was a dot buried into the paper just after "But". It seemed Rei had paused after that word, and had had to think about what to say next. Satisfied with this conclusion, she kept reading. "But I also discovered some aversion to death. I didn't want to die. The thought scared me. This was confusing; I did not know why I should be afraid. I didn't realize it until after the Fifteenth Angel. I suppose I should explain. After the Fifteenth was destroyed, I was outside, watching the repairs to the city begin. When you spoke with the Second after the battle, I may not have been near you, but I was still within earshot. I heard her words : "the little bitch saved _me_". Those words hurt. I understood, by then, what she meant. For a moment, I found an insight into who I was. Like all other humans, I am defined by my own self-view and by what others think of me. After listening to the Second, I realized that very few people even know me, and even fewer like me. I've never tried to get to know anyone, as I never saw the point. Those I was forced to make the aquaintance of, such as Major Katsuragi, see me as an odd individual and ignore me. Even the Commander on occasion does not appear genuine with his emotions. "For some time, I found this depressing. I couldn't think of anyone who'd ever liked me as a person. I apologize for not thinking of you earlier." Akagi blinked and read that last line again. ^Interesting,^ she thought. She kept reading. "But when I _did_ think of you, I realized that someone, you, actually does like me. I began to remember all the times you've shown that you care for me. I don't know why something as simple as cleaning my apartment should have made such an impression, but it did. Your comment, that I would make a good mother, still makes me blush. "I also remembered that time we first met, in front of Eva-01. I remember how you held me in your arms, trying to make the pain from my injuries hurt less. I remember how you agreed to pilot the Eva, so that I would not die. That memory, that you thought my life was worth something, made an impression on me. And it is now why I do not wish to die, even though it may very well be inevitable. "I have never had a reason for contact with anyone but the Commander. I have tried to keep my distance, both physically and mentally, since I never saw a reason to do otherwise. But over time, I began to feel something was lacking. I could see people happy to be in the presence of others, but I couldn't understand. I was always the girl no one could touch, in all senses of the word. "I have never actually desired anything. But in the past few days, I found that I wanted someone to be close to me, someone to touch me. I'm tired of always being alone. When you held me in front of Unit-01, for the first time I felt a little safer. I wish you would hold me again. "I don't know if this feeling is what people call "love." I have not been able to find a good definition of the word. But in the time I have left, I would like to become closer to you, and to explore my emotions. You are one of the few people who has ever helped me understand what it is I'm feeling. Perhaps I may find the motivation to go on living, even when the time comes for me to die. "If anything, I would at least like to tell you how I feel about you. I have never been adept at speaking, and so I thought a letter would work better. But having read this over, I am unsure if even this says what I wanted to say. I'm sorry; expressing my feelings has always been difficult. But this is all I can manage; I doubt I could have told you this much by speaking. "But I know that I" - there was another pause, here - "I hope that you feel the same way about me." The last words became almost sloppy, as though written with a shaking hand. Akagi slowly folded the letter back up and absentmindedly slid it into its envelope. She crossed her arms, thinking. This might complicate things. She wondered what Gendo would think of it. The sound of the door opening grabbed her attention. Stifiling a curse, Akagi put the letter back on top of the dresser and went towards the door. Sure enough, Rei was coming in. "Rei..." she began. The girl said nothing, only met her gaze. "Rei, we've got a test in less than an hour. Usually you're at headquarters by now. Where were you?" "I was taking a walk." Akagi blinked; Rei _never_ spontaneously went out on a walk, even for exercise. She suspected something was up, but she didn't have time to pry an answer out of the girl in front of her. "Fine," she said. "Just be at NERV in time for the test." "Understood." Shaking her head a little, Akagi went out the door. Rei watched the door close, and then she slowly went over to her bedroom. She looked at herself in the tiny mirror taped to the wall. What she'd told Ritsuko had not been a total lie. She _had_ indeed gone for a walk, but it she had been headed somewhere. She'd wanted to visit Ikari-kun, to try and talk to him. The feeling of dread towards her coming death kept growing, and she knew she just _had_ to tell him how she felt before then. Otherwise, she'd die regretting something in her life. But she hadn't been able to. About halfway to the apartment, her footsteps had slowed, eventually coming to a stop. She hadn't been able to go on. A million worries had crept into her head. What if he laughed at her for feeling like this? What if he didn't like her back? What if he saw her as just another pilot, someone he worked with and nothing more? Rei had never been nervous before in her life, but she'd definitely been nervous then. Unable to handle the new sensation, she'd turned and come back. Straightening out her hair a little, she turned and walked over to the dresser, looking at the letter resting on top of it. Maybe she could give this to him. She'd written it days ago, but had been unable to take it with her to NERV, for the same reasons she'd been unable to get to his apartment. But she just _had_ to get these feelings into the open... She reached for the letter. But just as her fingers were about to touch it, her hand stopped, shaking a little. The worries came back. No, this was a stupid idea. She couldn't tell him. Not yet, anyway. With an almost-inaudible sigh, Rei turned and walked out of her apartment. Back to life as normal.