Disclaimer: see part 1

 

Part 13

Echoes, part 3: Echoes of life/Crescendo

By Random1377

 

“Shinji…  Shinji?”  Shinji opened his eyes and looked around.

 

“Oh… hi Kaworu, what’s up?” The red-eyed boy was standing over his bed, smiling.

 

“I was wondering if you would like to join me for a movie,” The Fifth Child said easily, “I am bored.”

 

Shinji looked away from his new-found friend, “I don’t know… I don’t really feel like going anywhere…”

 

It had been a week since the destruction of Unit 00… and all of Shinji’s dreams.  Now all that remained was a water-filled hole in the ground and an empty-eyed copy of the girl he had loved.

 

He closed his eyes as he remembered his initial meeting with Kaworu – and what Doctor Akagi had shown him in the depths of Terminal Dogma later that night.  Row upon row of lifeless Reis now haunted his dreams.

 

Even when he was awake he sometimes heard their death-cries.

 

“Come on,” Kaworu said lightly, grabbing Shinji’s shirt and trying to pull him off the bed, “you have been moping around for a week now, you must break free, Shinji, before you are unable to let go of the past.”

 

Kaworu’s speech pattern made Shinji think of Rei… another painful reminder of what was now gone.  “I like the past,” Shinji whispered, keeping his eyes closed as he pulled Kaworu’s hand off of him, “the past is warm… and safe…”

 

“The past is death, Shinji…” Kaworu answered softly, “you must not allow it to rule the present, or you will be dead too…”

 

He realized that he no longer cared.  “Go without me, Kaworu…” he said quietly, “I’m not very good company.”

 

Kaworu knelt by his bed, “Shinji…” he reached out and laid a hand on the Third Child’s shoulder, “you must let it go… dwelling on was has been lost will not bring it back, it will only cause you to be lost yourself.”

 

“I don’t CARE!” Shinji yelled, his eyes springing open as he frowned and sat up, knocking Kaworu’s hand off of him, “Do you hear me? I don’t WANT to live in he present, it has nothing –NOTHING- that I value!” he slumped back onto his bed, “I’d be better off dead…” he whispered sullenly.

 

Kaworu stared at him in silence for a moment, his lips pursed.  “I will go now, Shinji Ikari,” he said gently, “prepare yourself for what you must do, and remember… I love you as if you were my own flesh…”

 

Shinji looked at him, confused, as he rose and started from the room, “Wait…” he said, “where are you going?”

 

Kaworu did not turn around, so Shinji could not see the tears on his cheeks, “I have a… promise I have to fulfill,” he said smoothly, “you will see me soon… I know you will…”

 

Shinji sat up, a sense of foreboding filling him, “Well…” he said, getting to his feet, “I’ll go with you… then we can go to the movies.”

 

“No Shinji,” Kaworu said, pausing with his hand on the door, “I must go alone,” his heart clenched as he lied for the first and only time in his life, “I will… be back soon.” He wiped his eyes and turned around, forcing a smile, “Shinji? When I get back will you… play your cello for me? I hear that you are very good… and you know that I like music.  Will you?”

 

“I…” Shinji felt that something was dreadfully wrong, but did not know what.  He had not touched his cello since Rei – the current Rei – had brought it back to him, saying, ‘I believe this is your property, Pilot Ikari…’ in a flat, cold voice. 

 

He was proud that he had managed to wait until she left before crying.

 

Now he merely nodded, “Sure Kaworu… I can play…” he forced a smile of his own, “Music offers hope, right?”

 

Kaworu’s smile became more genuine, and he turned away, “Yes, Shinji…” he whispered, “that is right… do not ever forget that.”

 

“How long will you be gone?” Shinji could not shake the feeling that his friend was keeping something from him.  “Kaworu, what’s wrong?”

 

His friend was shaking slightly, “Nothing, Shinji… but you will know when it is time to see me again, for the heavens will open and the angels will sing…”  He strode quickly from the room before Shinji could think of what to say.

 

An hour later, Kaworu’s signal to Shinji that it was time was sounded… not by a chorus of angels, but by the strident tones of the angel alarm…

 

**

Shinji sat in the entry plug, unable to move. “Kaworu?” he said, trying to digest what Misato had just told him, “An angel?”

 

“You have to stop him, Shinji…” she said, keeping her voice level only through supreme effort, “you’re the only one that can. Unit 00 is gone, and we can’t find Rei to pilot… so it has to be you… I’m sorry.”

 

Shinji tried to protest, “But… he’s my friend, and I-“

 

“It doesn’t matter!” she screamed, finally losing her composure, “He’s an ANGEL! You have to stop him, and you have to do it NOW!”

 

Shinji bowed his head, refusing to cry, “I understand…” He took the control yokes in his hands – ignoring the pain in his leg and head – and pushed forward, willing Unit 01 into motion…

 

**

 

Alone in the apartment, and alone in his heart, Shinji wept.  With his eyes closed, he drew the bow across the cello’s strings slowly, feeling each note resonate in him.

 

‘Music is like faith that way, Shinji,’ he could hear Kaworu’s voice echo in his mind… an echo of a life now fled.

 

He ignored the tears running down his face, concentrating instead on placing his fingers correctly on the strings, and drawing the bow with the correct rhythm. 

 

–Asuka…- he thought, picturing her in the small cell he had seen earlier that day… raving and struggling against the intern that tried to hold her. He thought her eyes had cleared for a moment when she saw him watching through the small observation window – and even imagined that she had spoken his name… but then she had bitten the man holding her and screamed so loud that it came through the soundproof wall.  He had finally turned away, unable to watch any more.  The doctors told him there was little hope of the redhead ever recovering, ‘It would take a miracle…’ one of them had told him softly, refusing to meet his eyes.  He didn’t think that miracles were very free flowing in Heaven these days.

 

-Rei…- he thought of the blue-haired girl for probably the one-hundredth time that hour.  He pictured her lying on top of him, begging him to love her instead of Asuka. He pictured her smiling as he pinned the small silver and gold cello to her shirt.  He heard her whispering ‘I love you…’ a hundred different times.  He thought back to their lessons, and her gradual improvement to the point that he became extraneous. And he thought of her now dead red eyes, formerly so full of life and love.

 

-Kaworu…- finally he let his mind run over the last on his short list of friends.  Kaworu, telling him that faith could overcome.  Telling him that what was lost was often just hidden. Telling him that Rei would never be the way she was if he did not believe in her. And finally, him trapped in Unit 01’s fist, telling him that there was no other way to reach him… and that unless Shinji took his life, everyone would die – including Rei – and that no matter what she was now, she was still his student, and he had an obligation to protect her.

 

He found that his fingers wouldn’t move anymore… he opened his eyes, looking at his frozen hands with blurry eyes. –I can’t even take refuge here,- he thought, -nothing makes me feel better.-

 

He took his fingers off the instrument and stood with a disgusted sigh.  He was about to set the bow down when he looked up… and found Rei standing at the entrance to the room.

 

She spoke quietly, “Hello.”

 

“Hello, Ayanami…” he said, fighting the urge to pull the girl to him, “what can I do for you?”

 

“I have been ordered by Major Katsuragi to take up residence here while Pilot Souryu is hospitalized.” She answered calmly.

 

Shinji felt like he had been punched, “L-live here…? You’re going to… live here?!”  -How can this get worse??- he thought miserably.  She showed him

 

“Yes… and I have been further ordered to remain in close contact with you…” she met his eyes levelly, “for your protection.”

 

-Oh… oh that’s just GREAT!- he thought angrily, -They think I’m going to kill myself… and they’ve sent this… this… husk to watch over me!-  He wiped his eyes quickly, trying to make light of the situation. “Well…” he began as evenly as he could, “since you’ll be here for a while, would you like something to drink?”

 

She was staring at his cello with a mild look of interest, “Yes…” she answered absently, “that would be nice…”

 

He nodded, “I’ll be right back.”  He walked past her, trying his best not to look at her, and went into the kitchen to get a drink for her.

 

-What the HELL is Misato thinking!?- He thought as he took a soda from the fridge, “I…wasn’t going to try to kill myself…” he whispered.

 

Even to his own ears, the lie sounded hollow.

 

When he came back into the living room he almost dropped the drink on the carpet, “Ayanami… why are you sitting there?”

 

Rei looked up from where she had been peering down at the cello resting against her shoulder, “You… did not seem to be enjoying it and I wanted to see what it was like… I am sorry.”  She began to get up.

 

“That’s… that’s ok,” he said, “really…” the sight of her holding the polished wood in her hands made him feel like crying,  -Why…- he thought sadly, -why was she taken from me?-

 

“May I… try your instrument, Pilot Ikari?” she asked softly.

 

“Yeah… sure…” he whispered, handing her the bow.

 

She took it, staring at it intently for a moment before laying it against the strings, “This feels… familiar…” she said quietly, “I have… done this before?”  Shinji’s eyes widened and he nodded

 

“Will you… help me?” she asked, “I feel something… correct in all of this, but I cannot grasp it…”

 

Shinji nodded, coming to stand behind her.  “I’ll… do the strings,” he said, not letting himself dare to hope, “just draw the bow like…” –Like last time…- “just do what feels right…” he finished abruptly.

 

She felt an odd sensation of… rightness as he stood behind her and laid his arm carefully over her shoulder. “What should I play?” she asked quietly.

 

He wiped away a tear before it could get past his eyelid, “Play whatever you want… Ayanami…” he said quietly, -Don’t…- he told himself, -don’t get your hopes up… she’s just curious about the instrument… she doesn’t remember.-

 

“May we play… Cello Suite number one?” she asked, hesitating over the title.

 

His breath caught, “Ok…” he whispered.

 

She closed her eyes, and drew the bow gently across the strings.  The cello issued its soft, sweet tones as the two Children played in silence.  Rei’s mind filled with half formed images and emotions, each one more confusing than the last.  The notes of the piece were like keys in a rusty lock… fitting – yet not quite turning.

 

As they finished, Rei stood quietly and set the bow on the chair.  As she stood, she felt Shinji reluctantly let his arm slide off of her shoulder.  It made her feel… something.  Something she could not quite remember.

 

He sighed deeply and turned away. –Idiot…- he thought angrily, -it was just curiosity after all.-

 

“I…” Rei sounded hesitant, “thank you for letting me try your instrument, Ikari.”  She turned to face him, “Will you please show me Pilot Souryu’s room? It is where I will be staying…”  Something… itched in the back of her mind, but she could not put her finger on it and it was making her uncomfortable.

 

“Of course…” he said, swallowing a lump in his throat, -I really thought… maybe…- he shook his head, “come on…”

 

**

 

Shinji woke sometime in the middle of the night to an odd sound. He looked around groggily and sat up, trying to identify the source.

 

After showing Rei to Asuka’s room, he had called Misato… but she had been brief, refusing to explain why Rei was there and hurrying off the phone after telling him she would not be back until the next morning.

 

He looked at his clock, -Two thirty?- he thought as he stood, “What the hell?” He walked yawning to the living room and stopped dead in his tracks.

 

Rei was playing his cello.

 

He watched as she drew the bow smoothly over the strings with her eyes closed, making the instrument sing quietly.  He instantly recognized the tune: Namida… another that they had played together.

 

-So beautiful…- he thought, as he watched her play.  The moonlight streaming through the open window gave her skin an almost ethereal glow… and he had to struggle not to go to her and kiss her all over her pretty face.

 

As she finished, she opened her eyes slowly and caught sight of him.  She stood, setting the bow down, “Good evening…” she said softly.

 

“Ayanami…” he said, blushing slightly, “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to… to…” –To what?- he thought, -It’s not like I saw her undressing or anything…- But he still felt that he had intruded on something private.

 

“It is not a problem,” she said coolly, her back facing him as she lay the cello carefully against the chair, “I was unable to sleep, and I wanted to try to play again.”

 

 “I’m glad…” he began with some difficulty, “I’m glad you remembered how… you sounded great.”  -Kaworu was wrong…- he thought bitterly, -music and faith mean nothing.-

 

“It is a compliment to my instructor,” she whispered, turning to face him, “he taught me many things.”

 

He frowned, “I thought you hadn’t taken cello lessons?” he said in confusion.

 

“I had not…” she admitted, “until I took them from you.”

 

His eyes widened, “R-Rei?” He found that he was short of breath, -No… it can’t be…- his mind insisted.

 

Her face broke into a radiant smile and she held her arms out to him, “Shinji…” she whispered in return.

 

He stood his ground, refusing to let himself believe what his eyes were telling him.  After a moment of silence, she let her arms down and stepped forward to stand before him, “You do not wish to hold me?” she asked.  He thought he could detect a faint trace of… amusement in her voice.

 

“I…” he began, searching her eyes, “I don’t want to be… wrong.” He whispered, his voice hoarse, “I don’t want to hold you unless it’s really… YOU.”

 

She smiled at his hesitation, “I only know of one way to convince you, Shinji…” she said calmly. She took him into her arms, pulling his lips down to hers.

 

Shinji let go… all of the tension, fear, and uncertainty burst inside of him as she held him tight.  He sobbed against her lips, embracing her as the strength went out of his legs and they sat down hard on the floor.

 

She kept kissing him as he cried, gently running her hands over his face. “It is ok, Shinji…” she whispered, “I am here…”

 

He could not answer her… his voice would not come, so he just held her gently, afraid she might break apart like a sweet dream if he squeezed her too tight.  When he finally could speak, he just whispered her name over and over… making it a litany against the loneliness he had felt for the last week.

 

She put her legs on either side of his stomach and pressed herself against his chest, wrapping her entire body around his.  “Shinji…” she whispered, trying to calm him, “it is alright now… what is past is past.” She kissed him tenderly, feeling her own tears run down her face and mingle with his.

 

Finally his sobs wound down and he just held her… breathing in her scent and allowing his hands to travel over her body.  “Why did Misato order you to come here?” he asked when he could finally speak without breaking down.

 

She smiled, running her hands over his face as if she were re-familiarizing herself with his features, “It is an odd situation…” She whispered, trying to push herself tighter against him, “After Kaworu…” she hesitated, knowing that he had been close to Shinji, and then pressed on, “after his death, Misato found a note from him in her office.”

 

“What did it say?” Shinji asked, trying to contain his curiosity… not really sure he wanted to know, but unable to resist asking.

 

Rei met his eyes steadily, “It was a short note asking the Major to have me move in with her.” Shinji’s jaw fell open, but she went on without pausing, “It said that you needed me… and that he promised you would be dead within a day if she did not comply.”

 

Shinji did not know what to say.  He bowed his head, slowly admitting, “I was… thinking about killing myself…” he voice was very small, “I didn’t see anything else for me here…”

 

She stared at his downcast face for a minute, saying nothing. She knew better than to try and convince him the he had had much to live for – even without her… the look on his countenance told her loud and clear that he would not believe it, so instead she brought his face up and kissed it, whispering, “Do you see anything for you here now?”  She bowed her head, “Even though you know what I am…”  Misato had told her of the encounter with Ritsuko… though at the time she told her, Rei did not care. 

 

Now it meant everything.

 

He put his finger under her chin and brought her eyes back up to meet his, nodding as fresh tears fell from his eyes.  When he spoke, his voice was clear, “Yes… and I don’t care what you are… I want you to be with me forever – I want you to marry me.  Will you?”

 

She touched his face gently, “I… do not think it would be a good idea, Shinji…”she whispered. Seeing his disappointment, she tried to explain.  “The death of the last angel will not be the end,” she said, pressing her forehead to his and looking deeply into his eyes, “there will be other trials and complications… I do not know what the future holds, and I do not want to give you false hope of a better tomorrow if I cannot guarantee it…”

 

He kissed her softly, “I’m not asking you to guarantee anything…” he said as he pulled away, “all I’m asking is that you say you’ll be mine.”  She frowned slightly, but he went on before she could speak, “I know that things may be hard…” he said softly, “but I think that we can be happy together… I know that I’m happy with you.”

 

“And I am happy with you,” she said quickly, “but-“ she didn’t know what else to say, -How can I make him see that there are powers much greater than us at work? I could not bear it if I lost him… or caused him harm…- She shivered, even now feeling the call to fulfill her destiny.

 

He held her close, “Rei… I love you…” he ran his hand over her cheek, “I want you to say yes… even if you say we have to wait until we’re both thirty, I don’t care… but I want you to say you’ll be mine someday…”

 

“I…” she finally nodded, seeing that he was not going to back down, “yes… I will marry you,” she said softly, “in one year… I think that things will be safe then.”  She thought no such thing… in fact, she was unsure of what the next day would bring… but she wanted so much to see him happy.  And she could not deny the fact that she WANTED to marry him… but she knew that she still had a part to play – the Commander had made sure that she knew her place.

 

But for tonight… in his arms… with his smile to warm her… she allowed herself to believe that everything COULD be alright – if they were together.

 

They said nothing further. They just held one another tightly, not afraid to let go – just unwilling… and kissed until late in the evening.  As his eyes grew heavier, Shinji glanced at his bedroom, then back to Rei, arching an eyebrow.  She shook her head and kissed him softly, answering him silently.  He nodded and pulled her closer to him, resting his head on her shoulder and closing his eyes.

 

They slept sitting up in the middle of the living room floor, uncomfortable with the position but comfortable with each other.  They were totally unprepared to let go long enough to move to the bed and sadly unable to forget that there was still much to do… but still their sleep was sound and untroubled, as they knew that when they woke they would be together…

 

 

Author’s notes: ((dodging thrown bottles and rocks)) OK!! OK!! I’m sorry this chapter took so long! It was just really hard for me to figure out how to handle Kaworu’s interaction with Shinji!  And I’m sorry about the dark tone of the previous two chapters, but as I said before (and I don’t know where this quote comes from – I take no credit for it): A story without conflict is just a collection of well put together words.

 

Big time thanks to Ryan Xavier for pre-reading on this one and making some excellent suggestions  (even used some of them ;)).  Ryan’s Shinji/Rei site can be found here: https://www.angelfire.com/anime2/shinjirei  Thanks again, Ryan!

 

Feedback is always welcome at random1377@yahoo.com