Scene 1: The Imperial Theatre
The girls from Sakura Wars - Sakura, Sumire, Maria, Iris, Ri and Kanna - are all reclining in the lounge room reading their latest scripts. Suddenly Ohgami burst in with a big grin on his face.
Iris: Big brother!
Sakura: Ohgami? What’s up?
Ohgami: We’ve been assigned to a new training exercise!
Sumire: New training exercise?
Kanna: That’s what he said! Weren’t you listening?
Sumire: WHAT?! You dare insult my hearing abilities?!
Kanna: Yeah
Sumire: You will pay for that!!!!
But Sumire doesn’t get a chance to lay a finger on Kanna. Kanna does a ninja kick and sends Sumire flying out of a window. Seconds later, there is the sound of Sumire landing on a rose bush.
Maria: New training exercise? Since when?
Ayame and Yoneda enter.
Ayame: Since this morning.
Ri: What exactly is this new training exercise?
Yoneda: As part of a new development in Ooba usage and utilising Spirit Energy,
We are going to have a visitation from a crack team of specialists in mecha combat!! They are employees of the UN!!
Maria: UN?
Ayame shrugs.
Sakura: Are they going to teach us some new fighting skills in Ooba usage?
Ohgami: As far as I know yes.
Sakura’s eyes widen with joy.
Maria: What’s this team of specialists called?
Yoneda: According to this, they call themselves NERV. They were sending a liaison who was supposedly arriving any moment now…
There is a knock at the door.
Ayame: Oh that would be her now!
They all head for the front door and open it to reveal…… Sumire, looking very worse for wear.
Ayame: No hang on. Its only Sumire.
All: Damn
Wearing an evil expression, Sumire enters the house, slamming the door behind her.
Sumire: When I got kicked out of the window, I landed on a rose bush!!!
Kanna giggles. Sumire is on the verge of going ballistic.
Sumire: OH YOU THINK THATS FUNNY DO YOU?!?!?!?
Yoneda: Hey! Settle down!
The girls erupt into a mass argument. Ohgami and Maria try to restore order. Suddenly there is another knock on the door but only Yoneda seems to notice. He opens it up and steps through. Shortly afterwards, he steps back inside and calls for order. The girls stop fighting and focus their attention onto him.
Yoneda: Spirit Warriors of the Imperial Floral Assault Unit, may I introduce our NERV liaison, Major Misato Katsuragi!
Misato enters.
Misato: Hi! Pleased to meetcha!
The Spirit warriors are clearly unimpressed with the short-skirted, busty, purple-haired, major and her bubbly personality.
Sakura: What?
Ohgami: You’re from NERV?!?
Yoneda: That’s correct.
Maria: YOU’RE going to teach us some new fighting skills with our Ooba?!
Ayame: Of course.
Misato: Yeah! We’re all gonna get along just fine!!
SWarriors: We’re doomed.

Scene 2 - A field
The SW cast and Misato have somehow been transported to a field in the Geofront. They await for the arrival of the Eva cast. Their Ooba are nearby.
Maria: What is the purpose of all this?
Ayame: Well this is an introduction to the people you will be working with.
Misato: Yeah! I thought we’ll have a get together like this so the NERV personnel can get to know you and your assault unit!
Maria: Why do I get the feeling this isn’t going to work out?
Eventually, the Eva cast arrive. Both casts mingle. Asuka rocks up to the Spirit Warriors.
Asuka: Hi! I’m Asuka Langley Soryu!! The greatest pilot in NERV!!
Sumire: (scoffing) If you’re the best then I’d hate to see the rest of the pilots!
Asuka: Oh, its a tragedy - There’s Shinji Ikari - He’s a useless whinger and then there’s Rei Ayanami who always keeps to herself and thinks she’s the best.
Asuka points out the other NERV pilots to Sumire. But Sumire still doesn’t look impressed.
Sumire: My, my. I think WE should be teaching YOU some new tactics!!
Asuka: (Going overboard) HEY! I’m the best out of these losers!!!
Sumire: YOU?! HA!
Asuka goes ballistic and starts getting stuck into Sumire. Meanwhile, Ri is tending the bar. Misato and Maria come over.
Misato: Got any beer?
Ri: Sure!
Ri hands Misato a beer. Maria is blinking in astonishment. Misato chugs down the beer
Misato: YEEEEAAAAA - HAAAAA!!!!!! That’s hit the spot alright!!
Maria: I can’t believe this!
Misato shoots a glaring look.
Misato: You got a problem?
Maria: You’re the commander of NERV right?
Misato: Yeah. So?
Maria: Shouldn’t you be setting a good example?!
Misato stares in disbelief as Maria has just demanded the impossible.
Maria: Look, we Spirit Warriors operate efficiently and with brilliance. Why? Because I set a good example as eldest member, decision maker and comrade! Consequently I influence my fellow Spirit warriors!
Misato: (spluttering) Good Example?! Influence?!?!
Maria: Yes! If you’re living with two of your pilots, you should be a role model!!
Misato: (Furious) ROLE MODEL?!?! WHY YOU POMPUS RUSSIAN…..!
Meanwhile, Ri is at the bar mixing a cocktail. Suddenly it (somehow) blows up in her face. Ri goes flying in the air and lands right next to Ohagmi. He sees Ri, Sumire engaged in fisticuffs with Asuka, and Maria exchanging punches with Misato.
Ohgami: (sighing) Well this is off to a great start….
While all this is going on, Shinji is sitting by himself on a park bench away from everyone else. Kanna and Iris (with Jean-Bob) comes strolling over.
Iris: Hello. Mind if we join you, Shinji?
Shinji: I DON’T WANT TO PILOT THE EVA!!! YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!!!
Iris/Kanna: Huh?
Shinji: I DON’T WANT ANY FRIENDS!! ANYONE WHO BECOMES MY FRIEND ALL END UP GETTING HURT BY THE EVA!!!!
Iris: There is too much anger here!!!!
Kanna, thinking quickly, redirects Iris so her psychic attack vaporises a nearby tree. Shinji, oblivious to Iris’ attack, continues ranting while Kanna remains in earshot.
Shinji: I’M ONLY PILOTING EVA BECAUSE MY FATHER TOLD ME TO!!!
Kanna: Um…
Shinji: MY FATHER ABANDONED ME!! HE TOOK MY MOTHER FROM ME AND MADE HER INTO THE EVA HE FORCES ME TO PILOT!!!!
Kanna: Sounds tough. But you see…..
Shinji: WHY IS HE DOING THIS TO ME!?!?! WHAT AM I DOING HERE?!?!? WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE?!!?!?
Kanna: (finally losing it) HEY SHUT UP!!!
Kanna decks Shinji with a roundhouse kick. Elsewhere, Ritsuko is being pestered by Ri.
Ri: So your mother created these MAGI computers right?
Ritsuko: Yes, All three of them each contain a part of my mothers personality: Herself as a woman, a scientist and a mother.
Ri: (taking notes on her notepad with great enthusiasm) Yes do go on….(muttering) So that’s what I’ve been doing wrong…..
Some distance away, Maja is watching Ri and Ritsuko (in particular) whilst explaining the concepts of EVA piloting to Sakura.
Maja: Basically, one needs to be in sync with one’s Eva. The higher the sync ratio, the more efficiently the Eva responds to the commands of the pilot
Sakura: I see and which pilot has the highest sync ratio?
Maja: According to NERV records Shinji Ikari has the highest.
Asuka shows up out of nowhere.
Asuka: THAT’S CRAP!!! I’M THE BEST EVA PILOT!!!!
Sumire: Hey come back here! I’m not finished with you!!!
Sakura runs off in Shinji’s direction, leaving Asuka and Sumire still fighting and Maja fantasising. Meanwhile, Gendo is sitting at another bench, fingers steepled. Fuyutsuki is standing to attention nearby. Ohgami approaches.
Ohgami: Hello there! I’m Ichiro Ohgami, team leader of the Imperial Floral Assault Unit. I understand you’re the head director of NERV?
Gendo: Are you from SEELE?
Ohgami: Pardon?
Gendo: Please tell me you’re not from SEELE.
Ohgami: SEELE?
Gendo: (looking paranoid) Oh no, They found me!
Gendo leaps out of his chair and runs off in the direction of EVA Unit 1.
Gendo: (screaming) YUUUUUUUUUIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!
Ohgami: Is he always like this?
Fuyutsuki: Yes, I’m afraid so.
Maria and Misato are still fighting - Only now the action is heating up. Maria is welding a weapon in the shape of a vodka bottle. Sakura, meanwhile, is chatting up Shinji.
Sakura: You see, I have a tremendous amount of Spirit Energy but I can’t wield it properly. I understand you have the highest Sync ratio?
Shinji: Yes that is true BUT WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE??!?! I’M NOT PILOTING THE EVA ANYMORE!!! IT…..
Shinji is cut off in mid-sentence as he is sent flying by another one of Kanna’s karate kicks.
Kanna: I thought I told you to SHUT UP!
Shinji slams into a tree trunk. Sakura comes running over.
Sakura: Look I just after a few pointers so I can control my Ooba with style.
Shinji: BUT YOU CAN’T MAKE ME……
Sakura: Look, I’m not asking you to pilot the EVA. OKAY?!?!
Shinji: (settling down) Oh! Oh. Okay then….
Maria and Misato are still fighting (only no-one seems to paying any attention) - Now the two combatants are throwing the furniture around. Asuka and Sumire are too still fighting. Yoneda comes over to break it up.
Yoneda: Hey! Break it up! We’re here to learn some tactics, not to….
Asuka/Sumire: HEY SHUT UP!!!
Both girls smash Yoneda in the face. Yoneda goes flying and crashes near Rei - Who is sitting by herself away from everyone else. Iris comes up to Rei.
Iris: Hello! Are you an EVA pilot too?
Rei: Yes
Iris: Great! I’m a pilot of the Spirit Warriors Ooba! (points her Ooba out)
Rei: Right.
Iris: Are you one of the EVA pilots?
Rei: Yes
Iris: What’s it like?
Rei: A bonding experience
Iris: So, are you filled with Spirit Energy too?
Rei falls silent, trying to comprehend the question. Eventually Iris gets up and leaves.
Iris: Jean-Bob? Do you think Ayanami will be my friend?
Being a teddy bear, Jean-Bob says nothing
Iris: No, Didn’t think so
A very battered and bruised Asuka sees Iris talk to Jean-Bob.
Asuka: Talking to your doll eh?
Iris: Jean-Bon is not a doll!! He is my friend!
Asuka: Yeah right. He is a doll! He can’t speak!
Iris: Get Away!
Asuka: Say, you can’t possibly be a pilot of the Spirit Warriors! You’re a kid! Jeez, this entire Imperial Floral Assault Unit is a joke….
Iris: I TOLD YOU TO GET AWAY!!!!
Hurt by Asuka’s nasty comments, Iris has one of her psychic explosions - and a particularly enormous one at that. Consequently the entire shindig is trashed
Ayame: Oh no. Not again!!
The smoke clears and Iris surveys the devastation she caused.
Iris: Er…… Whoops
A split second later, the ground begins rumbling.
Ritsuko: What was that?!
Maja: (looking at her laptop) The Magi confirm signs of an Angel!!!
Fuyutsuki: An Angel?! All personnel, go to battle stations! (turns to Ohgami) It would appear those tactics will be revealed sooner then expected….
Ohgami: Right. Spirit Warriors! Let’s go!
Kanna: Hold on chief! We’ve lost Maria!
Shinji: And we’ve lost Misato!
Sumire: Hey everyone! Over here!
Sumire points out, for everyone, a peculiar scene - Maria and Misato, both bruised and battered, are both sobbing amongst a whole pile of beer cans and vodka bottles.
Misato: I love you Maria!
Maria: I love you Misato!
Ritsuko: (sighing) Can we just get on with this please?!

Scene 3: NERV HQ
Misato, Maja, Ritsuko, Fuyutsuki and Gendo are all present at the command deck. Also present are Yuga, Aoba, Ayame and Yoneda. They are all watching the screen where Eva units 0, 1 and 2 stand ready for action. The Spirit warriors Ooba’s are also ready.
Ohgami: All right Spirit warriors, Lets face the foe and crush it - together!
Sakura: Hold on, where’s Ri?
The Spirit warriors suddenly realise that Ri isn’t with them. The Ooba’s scan the area until….
Asuka: AAAARRGGHH! What is that?!
A familiar green Ooba appears. But it is much larger then the others.
Ri: Ri reporting!!!
Ohgami: Ri?! Is that you?!
Ri: Yes Ohgami!
Maria: What happened to your Ooba?!
Ri: I upgraded it to make it more powerful then ever!
Ohgami: Wow!
Ri: Yes, I adjusted the Spirit energy intake. It now contains the spirit of myself as a warrior, a woman and a scientist!!!
Ritsuko: (groaning) What have I done?! What have I done?!
Ri: Ooba! Move out!
Ri activates the Ooba and it takes off - literally! The Ooba flies off into the air and over the horizon. Suddenly an explosion is heard.
Kaoru appears.
Yuga: Code blue! Angel in sight!
Shinji: What are you talking about?! That’s not an angel! It’s Kaoru!
Misato: Uh, Shinji, that is the Angel….
Shinji: (going gooey-eyed) He sure is!!!!!!
Sumire charges in.
Sumire: I’ll handle this!!!
Asuka: No way! I’ll defeat him - alone!!!
Sumire: YOU AGAIN??! I’ll fix you! KAMIKAZI RISING WIND STYLE!!!!!
Asuka gets blasted and goes flying. As she disappears over the horizon the EVA cast give a huge sigh of relief.
Yoneda: Spirit warriors! What are you waiting for?!?
Ohgami: Right! Spirit warriors? I’m going in!
Iris: Big brother?
Gendo: Is watching you!
Ohgami: Sakura? Lets do this together! The rest of you, back us up!
Sakura: Right!
Both Ohgami and Sakura charge to Kaoru, swords flying. Maria and Iris provide firepower from their Ooba’s and Kanna and Sumire move to back up Sakura and Ohgami. The result is a massive explosion.
Ayame: What happened?
Yoneda: The Ooba’s…..
Yuga: Look!
The Ooba’s are lying down on the ground, looking very worse for wear. Kaoru floats past - without a scratch.
Fuyutsuki: Hmm. An AT field.
Gendo: Yes, conventional weapons have no effect against the Angels.
Ayame: But the Spirit Warriors don’t use conventional weapons.
Fuyutsuki and Gendo cough and shuffle nervously.
Aoba: The target is moving!!
Gendo: Shinji, you should be fighting the angel. Why aren’t you?
Shinji: I DON’T WANNA PILOT THE…….
Kanna: I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP!!!
Suddenly the red Ooba manages to leap up and kick Unit 1’s face in.
Kanna: Is he always like this?!?!
Maja: Yes, I’m afraid so.
Kaoru floats over to Unit 0.
Kaoru: I love you Rei.
Rei: Yeah right
Unit 0 flicks Kaoru into the stratosphere.
Shinji: KAORU!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Aoba: The target has disappeared!
Misato: Well dur. We just saw him being flicked into the stratosphere.
Rei and Shinji both eject from the Eva’s. Shinji storms over to confront Rei.
Shinji: Rei! You killed Kaoru!!!
Rei: I did it to be with you Ikari.
Shinji: Really? Oh sod Kaoru then. He was beginning to annoy me anyway.
Shinji and Rei embrace.
Gendo: Fuyutsuki?
Fuyutsuki: Yes?
Gendo: This fanfic is getting more & more ridiculous. I am going to put an end to it, once and for all.
Fuyutsuki: An end?! You don’t mean…..
Gendo: Yes, I’m going to Central Dogma. Rei? I need you.
Rei: No. I want to remain here with Ikari
Gendo: But I am Ikari!!!
Rei: Not you, the other one.
Gendo: But…..
Rei: I am not your doll
Gendo: (pulls out Jean-Bob) Oh well, this will have to do then.
Iris: JEAN-BOB!!! NO!!!!!

Scene 4: Central Dogma Gendo stands before Lileath with Jean-Bob. Iris comes charging in - still in her Ooba.
Iris: Get away from Jean-Bob!!!
Hot on Iris’ heels is the other Ooba’s. They all pile on Gendo in a massive heap and Gendo has his neck broken. Everyone ejects from their Ooba. Iris hugs Jean-Bob (whose still in one piece).
Iris: Jean Bob!
Ohgami: You know something? I think we’ve all learned something today…
All the Spirit Warriors cheer. Mission successful
Meanwhile, outside NERV HQ and Rei are lying on the grass, star-gazing.
Shinji: Well Asuka’s gone, Father’s dead and I’m left with a clone of my mother. You know something? I’ve always loved happy endings.
Rei: Me too.
And, like in all good romance films, they kiss. Frank Sinatra enters.
Frank: Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars, let me feel what
spring is like on Jupiter and Mars… etc