by xingy
(Picture fades in, filling television screen with a leafy green forest. The sky is slightly overcast and a light fog hangs in the distance. From the left corner of the screen, a casually dressed man approaches, his footsteps crunching in the dense underbrush. Stopping, he turns to the camera, a warm smile lighting his face.)
KAN EDIHAR: Good evening, everyone, and welcome to 'Stranded!' the show where we, the creators, take five of your favorite Soul Calibur characters and, well, basically strand them in this remote forest for one night - hence the name.
(Kan Edihar begins strolling, the camera panning along with him, showing even more of the dense forest.)
KAN EDIHAR: Our players must learn to outwit one another in this game of power, skill, muscle and mind, for in the morning, the most stable individual is declared the winner.
(Kan Edihar stops walking, the camera zooming in and then back out on his face. Smiling yet again, he pulls what appears to be a multi-colored beach ball from behind his back.)
KAN EDIHAR: The winner of this wonderful prize! A grand, loveable beach ball!!! Perfect for almost anything requiring a beach ball!
(He tosses the ball back and forth a bit, and then throws it behind him, out of the camera picture.)
KAN EDIHAR: Welcome to 'Stranded!'
(The opener begins playing. Very forest-aztec-like music booms through the speakers while a short cameo of each contestant in the woods plays with their name at the bottom of the screen. Kilik is first, a clip of him turning as if called, then Hwang, closing his eyes as if calming himself. Next is Maxi, grinning deviously, followed by Seung Mina, hiking up a short hill and looking very natural. Lastly, a clip of Xianghua leaning against a tree and gazing into the camera is shown. 'Stranded!' flashes across the screen and the jungle music dies out.)
*Commercial Break*
CUT TO FOREST SCENE
(Music and camera fade in. Five fairly angry-looking people slowly come into focus. They appear to be gathered around what might be a future fire, sitting on random rocks and logs. The forest is darkening as the sun begins to set.)
HWANG: Ok, the first thing we need to do is build a fire before it gets too dark.
KILIK: And you know this how?
(Hwang gives Kilik a look, narrowing his eyes slightly. My, but it is going to be one LONG night.)
CUT TO KILIK INTERVIEW
KILIK: He thinks he's Mr. Wilderness or something. 'Build a fire.' Blah, blah, blah! Showoff.
CUT TO FOREST SCENE
(Seung Mina and Xianghua are gathering sticks and twigs, their feet barely visible in the underbrush. The setting sun is casting a brilliant red glow through the trees. Suddenly, Xianghua leaps backward with a shrill scream.)
XIANGHUA (pointing at something in the grass): WHAT THE HECK IS THAT. THAT *THING*???
(Seung Mina sighs and makes her way over to a trembling Xingy.)
MINA: That, my dear friend, is what many people refer to as a bug.
XIANGHUA: Oh.
(Xianghua visibly relaxes and the two continue to gather wood.)
CUT TO SEUNG MINA INTERVIEW
MINA (looks disgusted): For crying out loud!!! It's a bug! We have those in a forest!
CUT TO FOREST SCENE
(Everyone is arranging the twigs in the center of their circle. Maxi sits to the side, looking semi-distraught.)
CUT TO MAXI INTERVIEW
MAXI: I miss her. I mean, I shouldn't have come out here anyways. Stupid forest.
*Commercial Break*
CUT TO FOREST SCENE
(Xianghua is attempting to light the fire - unsuccessfully.)
HWANG: Hey, why don't you let someone else try it? You seem to be having some difficulty.
XIANGHUA: I am NOT having ANY difficulty!
KILIK: Yeah, shut up Wilderness Boy! Why don't you go hunt for some food or something?
(A slight stare-down between Kilik and Hwang ensues.)
CUT TO HWANG INTERVIEW
HWANG: He keeps calling me that!
(Sighing and mumbling something under his breath, Hwang walks away, supposedly to go find some food.)
CUT TO FOREST SCENE
(Xianghua has apparently had some luck with the fire, for a small blaze can be seen in the now dark forest.)
MAXI: So, what do we do now?
XIANGHUA (looking a little scared): I don't know, but it sure is dark. I can't see a thing.
MINA: Don't tell me you're terrified of the dark as well!?! Bugs AND the dark!!!
CUT TO XIANGHUA INTERVIEW
XIANGHUA (looking like she's about to cry): They think that I'm some kind of scare-dy cat or something. Especially Mina. *snif*. I can handle this. I'll show them.
CUT TO SEUNG MINA INTERVIEW
MINA: Baby.
*Commercial Break*
CUT TO FOREST SCENE
(Everyone is still awaiting Hwang's return, perched on rocks and logs, gazing into the fire.)
KILIK: This is boring.
MINA: Yeah, well life isn't a party.
KILIK: I never said it was!
(Maxi sighs.)
MINA: Then stop complaining!
KILIK: I'M NOT!
CUT TO KILIK INTERVIEW
KILIK: I can't wait until we get to vote people off. Mina's history!
CUT TO SEUNG MINA INTERVIEW
MINA: What Kilik doesn't appear to understand is that we DON'T vote people off! We're only here for ONE night!
CUT TO FOREST SCENE
(Hwang appears in the distance, slowly making his way to camp. His hunt clearly wasn't successful.)
KILIK: What's the matter Wilderness Boy? Couldn't catch anything?
HWANG: There was NOTHING to catch! This place is empty! Completely devoid of any life whatsoever!
KILIK (sarcastically): I'm sure it is.
CUT TO HWANG INTERVIEW
HWANG: What is his problem? I'm trying! And I really wish he'd stop calling me that.
CUT TO FOREST SCENE
(Xianghua is humming quietly to herself, her face illuminated in the firelight.)
KILIK: So, anyone want to tell ghost stories?
MINA: Sure, I've got one. But it's more of a horror story actually.
HWANG: That's okay. Go ahead.
MINA: Well, there once was an evil and ugly old man who lived in the forest.
(Dramatic pause.)
MINA: And his name was KILIK!
(Everybody laughs, except Kilik. Hwang appears particularly delighted.)
CUT TO KILIK INTERVIEW
KILIK: That was NOT funny. What did I ever do to her? Yup, she's the first person I'M voting off!!! (Whispers heard from off-camera.) What? We don't get to vote people off? (Looks depressed.) Oh. That stinks.
CUT TO FOREST SCENE
MAXI: I have a ghost story.
XIANGHUA: OOO, do tell!
MAXI: There once was a man, let's just call him Maxi, who had the perfect girlfriend, oh, let's just call her Venus.
(He pauses, appearing contemplative. Everyone else seems a tad bit confused.)
MAXI: Anyways, this Maxi once disappeared into a forest with a bunch of wackos and never returned. She cried. The end.
XIANGHUA: Um, ok.
CUT TO MAXI INTERVIEW
MAXI: STUPID FOREST!!! I just wanna go home.
CUT TO SEUNG MINA INTERVIEW
MINA: Personally I resent being referred to as a wacko.
*Commercial Break*
CUT TO FOREST SCENE
(Apparently tired of the 'ghost' stories, everyone is completely quiet. The howl of animals can be heard in the distance. The fire is the only source of light in the pitch black woods.)
KILIK: So, when do we get to the challenges?
HWANG: There are NO challenges! This ISN'T 'Survivor'! It's 'Stranded'!
KILIK: Oh. Sorry Wilderness Boy.
HWANG: STOP CALLING ME THAT!!!
CUT TO XIANGHUA INTERVIEW
XIANGHUA: The tension levels are really rising. Kilik, much as I love him, seems to be getting on everyone's bad side. I'm trying to distance myself from the conflict. Maxi just seems depressed. I'm a little worried about him.
CUT TO FOREST SCENE
(The group looks INCREDIBLY bored.)
MINA: Who knew a forest could be so utterly dead? (Nobody responds.)
CUT TO SEUNG MINA INTERVIEW
MINA: Is everyone ignoring me or something?
CUT TO KILIK INTERVIEW
KILIK: I'm doing my best to just ignore Seung Mina for now. Hwang too, for that matter. We just don't seem to be getting along very well, and if I plan on winning, I've got to stay cool. Doing it all for the beach ball!!!
CUT TO FOREST SCENE
(Everyone suddenly jerks when crunching sounds are heard from behind.)
XIANGHUA: What was that?
HWANG: How are we supposed to know?
KILIK: Shut up Wilderness Boy! Why don't you go talk to the animals or something!
HWANG (looking at Kilik): I already am.
KILIK: OH! You wanna take this outside. Let's go then!
CUT TO KILIK INTERVIEW
KILIK (indifferent): I guess my ignoring policy failed. Too bad, it was a good policy.
*Commercial Break*
CUT TO FOREST SCENE
(Whatever fight that was about to occur was quickly halted when a very large branch snapped, closer to the camp than the previous sounds.)
XIANGHUA: Well, whatever it was, it's getting closer!
MINA: I'm sure it's nothing.
MAXI: See, I told you I'd never make it out alive. Horror stories don't lie. We die out here.
HWANG: Stop being so melodramatic Maxi. It's probably just a harmless bunny.
(The creature begins stalking around the camp, staying out of the light so as to remain unseen.)
KILIK: Oh, and I'm sure that harmless little bunnies enjoy circling a group of people as if hunting them!
HWANG: Sooo, maybe it's not a bunny.
MINA: Nice deductive reasoning!
HWANG: Thanks. HEY!
XIANGHUA: I'm scared.
MINA: You're ALWAYS scared!
(Pause.)
HWANG: Hey, listen! No more noises! I think it may be gone!
XIANGHUA: Think? I don't like think.
MINA: Hwang's right! It must be gone!
KILIK (to Seung Mina): Yeah, you're shouting probably scared it away. Poor creature.
MAXI: Nope. It's not gone. Probably just out there waiting for us.
XIANGHUA: For us to what?
MAXI: To walk right into its teeth-filled mouth, of course.
XIANGHUA: R-really?
HWANG: NO! Of course not!
KILIK: Stop being so depressing Maxi. I think you're contagious.
CUT TO MAXI INTERVIEW
MAXI: I had a dream the other night. Just like this. Dreams don't lie. (A grin suddenly erupts on his face.) I've been planning this from the beginning.
CUT TO KILIK INTERVIEW
KILIK: I don't know what Maxi has up his sleeve, but he's not acting normal. I'm concerned. It can't be good. I feel that MY beach ball may be in jeopardy.
*Commercial Break*
CUT TO FOREST SCENE
(Everyone is huddled a little closer to the fire, darkness visible all around them.)
MINA: This is so stupid! A night in a remote forest which is devoid of all life except for us and some stupid human-eating creature!!! And all for a completely worthless BEACH BALL!?!
XIANGHUA: I know.
KILIK: Yeah, that ball is stupid.
CUT TO KILIK INTERVIEW
KILIK: I have to play along. I can't let them know how much I really want that beach ball. Things could backfire.
CUT TO FOREST SCENE
(If it's at all possible, the group of strandees looks both bored and terrified at the same time. except for Maxi, who just appears like he's TRYING to act bored and scared.)
XIANGHUA: Hey, who wants to tell what they wish most?
MINA: Why would we do that?
XIANGHUA: To pass the time.
CUT TO SEUNG MINA INTERVIEW
MINA: Xianghua has some of the dumbest ideas.
CUT TO XIANGHUA INTERVIEW
XIANGHUA: Seung Mina is just too critical. I haven't seen her come up with any brilliant ideas lately!
CUT TO FOREST SCENE
(Fear begins to dissipate as the group shares their wishes.)
HWANG: I wish Kilik would stop calling me Wilderness Boy.
KILIK (casts a glance at Seung Mina): I wish we could vote people off.
XIANGHUA: I really want a chocolate chip cookie.
MINA: I really want to quit playing this game.
MAXI: I wish that whatever was out there slowly stalking us would just kill us and get it over with.
(Everyone gulps, fear quickly returning.)
CUT TO MAXI INTERVIEW
MAXI: Sometimes it's just too easy. (Evil laugh.)
*Commercial Break*
CUT TO FOREST SCENE
(The sun is finally appearing on the horizon, slowly lighting the once pitch black forest with its bright hazy glow. Sighs of what can only be described as relief are heard all around.)
XIANGHUA (semi-frantic): It's almost over! That guy should be back soon! LIFE DOESN'T HATE US!
MINA: Good. I don't think I can stand this anymore.
CUT TO SEUNG MINA INTERVIEW
MINA: It's not that I don't like everyone, it's just that. well, I don't really like everyone. At the moment, anyway.
CUT TO FOREST SCENE
(Kan Edihar can be seen approaching in the distance. Held in front of him is one multi-colored beach ball. His footsteps echo as he nears the group.)
KAN EDIHAR: Hello all! How was your evening?
MINA: Just be quiet and give out that demented beach ball.
KAN EDIHAR: Er, sure.
(Pause.)
KAN EDIHAR: Okay, I'll ask each of you a question, and whoever appears the most mentally stable receives this multi-colored beach ball.
(He pauses again, this time holding the beach ball up.)
KAN EDIHAR: On your way out, I'll ask that you please stop by the camera near the end of the path and leave a message for the viewers. No potty-mouths please. (He glances at Seung Mina.)
MINA: I'll show you a potty-mouth.
HWANG (impatient): Can we get on with it? PLEASE!?!
KAN EDIHAR: Okay, first I'll kindly ask Seung Mina to leave.
MINA: WHAT!?!
KAN EDIHAR: It is very obvious that you aren't incredibly stable right now.
(Seung Mina gapes.)
KAN EDIHAR: So if you'll please excuse yourself, you may leave a message at the camera.
(Without replying, Seung Mina narrows her eyes at the host and walks down the path, disgusted.)
KAN EDIHAR: Okay then. Xianghua?
XIANGHUA: Yes?
KAN EDIHAR: How was your night?
XIANGHUA (bursting into tears): It was so. so SCARY! There was a monster and-
KAN EDIHAR: Goodbye.
XIANGHUA: Ok. *Snif*
(Xianghua begins her slow descent down the path, occasionally wiping her eyes with a hand.)
KAN EDIHAR: Hwang, how did you deal with the experience?
HWANG: Well, being called Wilderness Boy the entire evening really got to me. (looks annoyed.)
KAN EDIHAR: Sadly, you don't seem particularly stable at the moment, either. More so than Seung Mina, but not enough to win.
HWANG: Bye then!
(Hwang practically skips down the path, not at all sad about losing, just happy to leave.)
KILIK: BYE WILDERNESS BOY!!!
KAN EDIHAR: Kilik?
KILIK (looks depressed): Yeah, yeah. I'm going, I'm going.
(A sad Kilik slowly saunters down the path toward the exit and camera.)
KAN EDIHAR: Well, Maxi, you're the only one left. If you can prove you're mentally stable enough, you'll win this wonderful beach ball!
MAXI: I had it all planned out. The noises, the stories, everything. (He taps the side of his head.) It's all in here, Kan.
KAN EDIHAR: Oh, too bad-
MAXI: Give me the ball, Kan.
KAN EDIHAR: I would, but you see, you don't appear very stable and-
MAXI (looking decidedly evil): Give me the ball, KAN!
KAN EDIHAR: Um, sure. Here ya go!
MAXI: Thank you.
(Maxi turns and heads down the path, leaving one very nervous Kan Edihar alone.)
KAN EDIHAR: Well, um, that's our show! Please stay tuned for the final interviews. *Gulp* Thanks for watching 'Stranded!'
*Commercial Break*
(As end credits begin rolling, the final interviews are broadcast.)
CUT TO SEUNG MINA INTERVIEW
MINA: I think I did okay. Sure, I may have lost it at one point or another, but I blame that entirely on Kilik.
(Seung Mina shrugs and turns to exit.)
CUT TO XIANGHUA INTERVIEW
XIANGHUA: I feel that overall the experience strengthened us all. I learned some stuff about everybody. stuff I didn't know before. Stuff that maybe I didn't really want to know at all. Oh well. (She forces a small smile and exits, quietly humming.)
CUT TO HWANG INTERVIEW
HWANG: I could have done a lot better if Kilik hadn't kept calling me stupid names. That was incredibly annoying. And the incentive was pointless. a BEACH BALL! Who wants one of those?
(Flashing a completely and perfectly handsome smile, Hwang exits. Unbeknownst to him, females around the world faint, knowing they can now die happy.)
CUT TO KILIK INTERVIEW
KILIK: That conniving, cheating, lying Maxi! That beach ball was MINE! He had it all planned out. I know he did. He stalked us from the very beginning, took us out one by one. I didn't even see it coming. I'll give him credit for that. If only I hadn't blurted out that last insult. (Sighs.) If only we could have voted people off. Seung Mina and Hwang got on my nerves a bit. Mr. Wilderness 'I'm going hunting!' HA! Didn't catch anything, though, did you? NOOOOO! That ball was rightfully mine, and Maxi just-
(Kilik's interview is cut off for the sake of time.)
CUT TO MAXI INTERVIEW
MAXI: (Simply hums 'I am the champion' really loudly and off-key while moving the beach ball around him and spinning it on a finger.)
(Smiling, he flashes a V sign and exits, leaving viewers to wonder if he meant 'Victory' or 'Venus'. Or perhaps both?)
(End credits finish and 'Stranded!' fades from the screen.)
