Well, lovebirds, this is the moment you were waiting for. Now, sit back with your honey and laugh your ass off, or vomit violently.

DISCLAIMER: If I owned Yu-Gi-Oh, this really would be its own crapped-up Valentine's Day special, and not just a crummy fanfiction.

RATED: PG-13. Just be glad It's not higher… -_-;

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Katsuya Jounouchi was sitting on his porch holding a dozen red roses, with a horrible dilemma: He was in love with two people at once. In fact, they were his own best friend, Yugi Mutou, and his yami, His Royal Highness Pharaoh Atem (Ah, screw it, we'll just call him Yami).

They were near complete opposites, Yugi and Yami. Yugi was shy, modest, and behaved like an absolute angel--which is why nearly everyone, including Jounouchi loved to pick on him so much (and also why he had so many of those "Subordinate Yugi" fantasies… Tsk, tsk).

On the other hand, Yami was confident, unpredictable, and a slightly less vertically challenged sex machine with a heart of solid gold (also the subject of Jou's "Dominatrix Yami" reveries… Hentai).

'What should I do?' thought Jounouchi. The light and dark completed him, and he had cared for both of them with all his heart. On the other hand, he had only one heart--but he wished to give it to two separate people, though they resided in the same body. He didn't want to be an amorous ho, did he?

Finally, by the will of the authoress, Jounouchi was booted straight to Yugi's residence. Today was Valentine's Day--and this would be a good time to explain the situation to the one he loved. He rushed inside, up the stairs and burst into Yugi's room. "Yugi! Yami! There's something I have to-- AAH!!!"

"J-Jou…? W-what are you doing here? This is kind of a bad time…"

The flaxen-headed young man blushed and dropped his bouquet at the sight of the smaller boy, with his wrists handcuffed to the bedposts, and wearing nothing but his underpants. "Er, yeah… but can we talk anyway…? This is kind of important."

Yami came out of the bathroom in tight, satin, black bikini briefs (Yes, guys wear them, too. If they're black and satin, they're for… special occasions…), holding a can of whipped cream. "Jounouchi, we're kinda busy. Can whatever this is wait?"

'They're here… so, might as well,' Jounouchi swallowed his fears and spoke. "No, it can't, because… I love you--both of you."

"Does that mean you'll join us?" The lighter form asked sternly. "Because we've been calling you like, for hours."

"Oh… Well, sure then," Jounouchi answered as he hopped onto the bed.

"Oh, and by the way, we love you, too, so…" Yami said quickly as he locked the door…

*****

The door to Ryou Bakura's residence opened. Before he could enter the house completely, Ryou noticed a red heart-shaped paper on a small table.

"Is that… for me…?" He rushed to the table and reddened softly, as he found that the paper had his name on it. With joy, Ryou read it aloud. "'My dearest Ryou…'"

But the joy didn't last long. "'If anyone ever puts their hands on you, or even looks at you, I will pilfer them of their souls, break their legs, gouge their eyes out, and make them spend fifty years in the Shadow Realm…'" Ryou gulped and sweatdropped, but grudgingly continued to read. "'If you look or touch anyone else, I will lock you in your soul room, slap you a hundred times a day, confiscate all your anime DVD's, and burn your house down… Happy Valentine's Day. Love, Bakura…'"

Said Bakura appeared at the stairwell, smirking devilishly and holding a single red rose. "Good afternoon, darling vessel. Care to join me upstairs…?"

"Uh… sure…" The soft, snowy boy unwillingly came to his love.

*****

"I am just a boooooy… A booooooy is whaaaat I aaaaaaaaaaaaam…" Honda strummed on his guitar and sang (very, very badly!).

Unfortunately, Anzu had to be the one listening to the so-called, "song". 'Why did I have to be his girlfriend on this day of all days…? He sounds so horrible!' However, she made no effort to cover her ears. '…But I can't say that. Honda is pretty… sensitive… I gotta stick this out.'

"I haaaaaaave a poooooiiiinty brown haaaaaiiiiiiir…" Honda continued to croon to his love. "I am just a boooooy… A boooooy is whaaaat I aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!" The pointy brown-haired boy ended his… er, song, and bowed. "So, Anzu. Did you like it…?" He gave her the patented Chibi Eyes of Doom, created by none other than Yugi.

Anzu was torn. She wanted to be honest, but not sound like Simon (Ick! Eeeeeeeevil Simon… >_<). On the other hand, she wanted to be nice, but not sound like Paula (Eh, she's okay). So, she had to settle for something in-between, but not sound like Randy (No opinion on that dude).

"Uh-"

"OH, THANK YOU, ANZU! I LOVE YOU!!!" Honda glomped her hella tightly.

Anzu could barely breathe, but she shrugged and returned her boyfriend's embrace. It wasn't a big deal if he was tuneless and had low standards, as long as he was hers.

*****

Inside of Marik, something tore him apart. It was a request that had lingered within him for so long that he was ashamed to admit to--especially in front of his lover, Malik. When he was relaxing casually with him this evening, he took this perfect opportunity to ask him that special question…

"Malik…?"

"Yes…?"

The evil yami bent down on one knee in front of his hikari. "W-will you…"

Malik blushed and gazed right into Marik's blood-colored eyes, anticipating what he'd say next.

"…Give me some naked pics of your hot sister?"

The sandy-haired shadow was walloped by his counterpart with a huge paper fan. "YOU HENTAI-HEADED BAKA!!!"

"I was just kidding! Sheesh…" Marik rubbed the tumor-like bump on his head and regained composure. Once again, he knelt down solemnly. "Actually, Malik, I wanted to ask you… Will you…"

"Yes, Marik…?"

"…Give me some naked pics of you?"

The lavender-eyed one sat back exasperatedly. "Pervert. Oh, wait here." He retreated to his closet, and came back out with a photo album. "Here ya go," Malik presented his yami with the book. "but they're only baby pictures."

Marik sniffed, looking at the photographs. "Th-thank you, my love." A tear dripped from his demonic eye. "You've made me the happiest man in the world."

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I told you it was crapped-up, didn't I? Hmm, I wonder how many times I said, "crapped" (not including just now)? By the way, Honda's song was a reference to a Home Movies commercial I saw on Cartoon Network.

Ryuuji: Hey, what about Kaiba?

Oh, don't worry about him. He has his hand. ^_^

Ryuuji: Well, what about me…?

You have your hand, too, don't you?! >P

Ryuuji: You're right. I guess I do…