God damn you, Hajime Saitou! From the day I met you all I'd ever done was want to hit you once. I just wanted to get in one real, good, solid strike to the face that would send you reeling back. Just once I wanted to be the one a step ahead of you. Maybe I've technically achieved that now. I'm alive and you're not. Does mean that now you're a step behind?

You always called me stupid, annoying and useless. I see now, whether it was what you wanted to do or not, you helped me a lot. I thought you were just being a bastard, so I strove to prove you wrong. I'm still doing that, even after you're gone.

Yeah, I can say that now, but there was a time when I couldn't handle this all so well.

When I was well enough to walk, I was well enough to mourn for you in my own way. Unfortunately for the local bar, this was getting piss-faced and punching things. I'd look down at my bandaged hand and hate myself. I could have opened that door. But no, I had to rush into a battle that Kenshin told me to stay out of and get my hand broken. I should have just stood there. It didn't seem like Shishio had any interest in me at all. It's not like I accomplished anything with my stupidity anyways. Damn it...I could have opened that door...

My mind and body finally had enough of my violent drink binge and I went straight from anger to depression. Eating was hard enough with my left hand, and being reminded of you didn't help my appetite further along. You're left handed.

Sometimes, someone like Aoshi would say something to me when I wasn't looking at them and I swear, I thought it was you. But it never was, and it never can be. You're gone.

I remember that one night like it was yesterday. It plays every night when I go to sleep, making me thank whatever higher power there is that I get a room to myself. I never wanted you to leave, but damn it I sure as Hell said it to you enough times. I wondered why you visited my cell that night. It was late; I think the sun was about to rise when you woke me up, complaining you were bored. I swore at you, told you I wasn't going to amuse you, and you just stood there, leaning against the wooden gate that was "supposedly" going to keep my prisoner. I wanted to hit you so bad it gave me a headache. I told you that I wanted you out; that you'd never understand me or what I'd been through. I told you if you wanted to get your jollies from fucking up someone's life then to please, find someone else because I wasn't going to take it anymore.

You just stared at me for the longest time and then suddenly asked. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Do you think I don't understand you?"

All I could think then was 'You really aren't going to give up are you?'

"You don't know the first thing about me," I accused, crossing my arms and leaning against the concrete wall opposite you.

"Moron." I used to hate it when you called me that; now I know you were right. "I know everything about you, probably even a good number of things you don't know about yourself."

I'll never admit it to anyone, but something about you always made me feel so... helpless. You really probably do know all the stuff you say you do. From what I hear, I'm the most easily read dolt in the world. But you made me face it, and, in your own sick, twisted little way, help me overcome it. I hate you, because you scare, belittle and excite me all at the same time.

When I asked you to prove it, I should have known what you'd do. Maybe I did, and I wanted it. Maybe this whole affair was just one really fucked-up mistake. Either way, you still came to me, leaned in toward me, kissed me.

It still boggles my mind how some heartless bastard like you can kiss like that. It was like I was having the life kissed out of me and into to me all at the same time. The way you'd slowly move your bottom lip, it's gonna be engraved in my mind forever. Sometimes, when I'm lost in thought, I catch myself moving my lip that like without thinking. You're always going to be that little part of me somewhere in the back of my mind. I couldn't get rid of you even if I tried. I never could.

I didn't know what to do when you kissed me, but then again, you didn't leave much choice. The way you held me, one hand at the nape of my neck, the other around my waist, made me think you expected resistance, disgust or hatred. Ha, and you just got done telling me you knew it all. Wolf's intuition off that night?

I should have hated you. You were giving me everything I shouldn't want, forcing me to realize it all in one crushing blow.

I'd fancied the idea of Kenshin and me before. Me above him, thrusting into his tight, compact body while he cried out my name in passion. But something was wrong, off... incomplete... in that whole idea. Maybe two things, I think now. Because one of them is that it's Kenshin and not you.

The other is my role. The whole dominancy issue was something I always thought I had settled in my mind. If I was going to have a lover, I wanted one that would gasp and groan beneath me. But in those darker fantasies, the ones I tried to keep locked away from myself, always had you controlling every bit of my body the way you did my mind. You said the sword scar on my shoulder proves you own me, but that's not true. You always did, you just didn't truly know.

I did try to fight you. I finally turned my mouth away from where it was locked with yours and told you, plain out, that this was wrong.

"Only if you let it be," you spoke into my neck. You still hadn't let go of me and I still hadn't tried to get away.

Somehow I knew this was all just going to hurt me in the end; that, in some way, you'd leave me. I had no idea things were going to turn out the way they did, but I still knew they were headed down that general direction.

The feel of your fingers against my chest can never be mimicked by anyone, ever. It was so sensual and deliberate it still makes me shiver like it did then. The feeling of your hips against mine, I'll never forget it.

I didn't know when my jacket hit the floor but eventually I sent yours to join it. When I ran my fingers under your black uniform shirt I gasped into your mouth and you smirked back a little. You knew why I'd done that. The flesh under my fingertips was scarred all over, dizzyingly hot and perfectly toned. I would have liked to focus on you more, but that didn't seem to be your plan.

I remember that hand that came to hold both my wrists above my head. Your left hand. You're left handed. The other hand untied my pants and I must have blushed like crazy. Despite my efforts to hide it, you, of course, noticed it and gave a faint flicker of something I can only call a smile. I was so lost for words when you brushed your lips against my flushed cheeks. I don't even think I breathed as I stared at you, wide eyed and unbelievably turned on. But when you finally applied pressure to my rigid sex, I don't think anything you could have done would have fazed me at all. I couldn't stop my hips from thrusting myself into your hand. Those gloves of yours were torturously sensitizing.

I whimpered when you let go of me, but you swallowed it with another mind-blowing kiss, pressing on my shoulders as you did. You brought me over to that blanket on the floor you guys gave me for a bed in this hole and pushed for me to get on my knees. I did it quietly without voicing the questions in my mind. When you slipped sensually out of those dark blue uniform pants I thought I knew exactly what you wanted from me, but I was wrong. You knelt in front of me and drew my bottom lip into your mouth. Despite my efforts to keep quiet I moaned at the sensations I got from having your naked, sweating body rubbing against mine. My entire body burned like I was surrounded by flames the color of your amber eyes.

I'll never know if you knew that I'd never done this before. I'd always thrown myself into my fights, so love took an almost permanent back seat to it. Plus, why get close to someone when everyone else you get near goes away? It started when I was born and abandoned and continued on to Kenshin leaving me in Tokyo. Like I said, I always knew you were going to leave me, too.

We hadn't spoken since my small protest before. As much as I loved the natural sounds of our bodies mingling, I needed to ask you something.

"Saitou, why?"

"Why what?" you asked into my shoulder, immediately returning to your ministrations. This was a mirror of our earlier conversation, but I didn't have the same meaning behind my question as you did.

"Why do you want me?"

You stopped. I don't think you ever thought about it.

"Don't ask stupid questions."

You were trying to put me off with insults again. It won't work; I didn't let it that time.

"It's not stupid," I told you, showing my seriousness by not arguing. You still wouldn't answer. You never did, but I think I know now.

When you finally got me on my back I guess I took the wrong opportunity to think. "Won't someone see us?" Maybe I was making up excuses because I was having second thoughts. Maybe I just didn't wanna get caught fucking in a jail cell in some kinky game of cop and prisoner. This entire memory is an endless list of maybes. I never got the answers because you left before you could give them. Ha, like you would anyways...

"The only person around here is the maximum security prisoner." I laugh when I look back at that. I pictured some high priced assassin, not a broom-headed moron who couldn't throw a decent punch to save his life.

"Oh," I whispered, and you continued. I was out of excuses and stalls. I was going to let this happen. I was going to let you do this.

Everything after that is one hell of a vivid detail in my mind. There's only one other thing that I remember this well, and that's the death of the Sekihoutai. You should feel honored, you damn prick.

You were....well you weren't gentle, but you were still a hell of a lot different then I expected from you, not that I had expected this at all. If I had, then I would have pictured being shoved against the wall and...used. I wouldn't have minded that all too much. It would have meant you, in some way, wanted me. But that night was something else entirely.

That upper hand I'd always wanted suddenly became as insignificant as dirt to me. The way your hands felt on me made me want to surrender to you completely. And I did.

I don't know if I hate you for that. I never got to be better than you while you were still alive, and you wanting me could have given me that chance for one step forward I needed. If only I hadn't been to scared to take it...

That feeling of your finger entering me was so unexpected that looking back at it makes me embarrassed as all Hell. I must have sounded like some virgin girl or something. I wanted something to focus on besides how uncomfortable it was, so I studied your face instead. How could you look so calm and impassive when you were doing something like...something like that? Again you leave me to wonder what this all means to you. What it means to me.

The second finger found something inside me that would have made me scream regardless of any possibility that someone might hear. I didn't care how much it hurt any more. As long as there was more of that to come, more of those sensations that made my entire body twitch in anticipation; I didn't care what would happen to me. I could feel myself growing painfully hard by the second and you were completely ignoring my evident need in order to prepare yourself for the your own relief. Heh, even a selfish bastard in bed; if you could call that thing a bed.

"Please..." I found myself whimpering underneath you. I could see you were just as horny as I was, so what was with the fucking wait?! "God, just do this already!"

When you fingers left, as much as I had asked for it, my muscles tensed a little in fear. Of course, you knew.

"Relax moron," you whispered, sliding so that you flanked my thighs with your knees. "If I was going to hurt you I would have done it already."

Somehow, even though there was practically no emotion in those words, they did make me feel a little better.

"Wrap your legs around my waist," you instructed. How many people had you done that with before me, huh? That Shinsen Gumi captain I here you were close with? Kenshin, maybe? Either way, I still did as you told and closed my eyes, grasping your shoulders as if I'd be tossed if I didn't hold on for dear life.

And then you pushed. God, I thought I was being ripped in half.

Is this what it felt like for every chick I ever did? I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from screaming out just how much pain I was in. However, I think my vice grip on your shoulders gave a lot of it away on its own.

I should have known you liked the taste of blood. I'll never forget the force behind your lips when you kissed me and found I was bleeding from a self-inflicted bite wound. It was almost enough to distract me from the way you were filling me. Almost...until you hit that spot again.

It wasn't long before I was pleading with you again when you wouldn't move. Were you really afraid of hurting me? I'd like to think you cared. Really, I would.

"God Saitou, I ain't gonna break. Just fuck me already."

I felt that callused hand run up my chest, to my neck to thread in my hair. I didn't expect you to take out my red headband, and I certainly didn't expect you to use it to blindfold me. I would have spoken up if you did move so quickly, sliding out and slamming back in before I could distinguish left from right. God, it was the most painfully erotic thing I'd ever felt. Then, all I cared about was feeling more if it. I angled myself in ways that would allow you to go deeper into me, moaning with ever thrust of your powerful hips. But not a word out of you. If you were showing any signs that you were enjoying it, they were lost to me.

Eventually your name started pouring out of my lips like some mantra. I was so damn close; I could feel the tears clinging to my eyelashes. If you could have seen them maybe you would have laughed. I'll never know, but like I said, I was thinking about all this while you were pounding into me. All I cared about was getting off before I exploded from all this.

It was too much. The darkness, the heat, the friction. Everything was just piling up until it all collapsed inside me. In that moment of pure, untainted bliss, I did what may be the stupidest thing I have ever done.

I screamed out my love for you.

There's no way you didn't hear. It was ten times louder then any other "Harder," "Oh yeah," or "Fuck me," I'd screamed the entire night. I told you I loved you.

When I felt myself tighten around you I felt your muscles do the same under my hands. At least I can be satisfied knowing you did cum that night, whether I got to see the look on your face when you did or not is another matter.

By the time I came back to reality it was too late. I heard the wooden door slam shut and your footsteps retreat down the hall. Fucking bastard! You left me there!

Yeah, I know, I should have expected it from some friggin asshole like you. But damn it, for that short time you had me thinking you weren't like that. Serves me right for thinking anybody would care about me. Especially you.

But even if you didn't care, I still wanted you to stay.

Now I'm left alone with nothing but fading memories of one confusing night that I spent with you. I have a billion questions you'll never answer. What am I thinking? Like you'd even answer them if you were alive. Fuck you, you never cared about me.

Everything comes with a 'what if' in my lives. What if Captain Sagara hadn't trusted the government and sent the message to the people? What if he'd never found me? What if he wasn't selfless enough to do something when he was injured just so I could escape death? The same way you were.

Some part of me wants to believe that this just can't be the pattern of my life. Everyone has to rush in and get hurt saving the idiot. Captain Sagara. Kenshin. You. Maybe you're off in some dark room, having a cigarette and laughing with someone over the fact that I'm most likely (and am) rotting over here because you're not around to call me a moron anymore. Some part of me just won't believe reality.

Damn it, I'm not gonna start crying again. No fucking way! You're not worth this. And even if you were, you're dead. Dead! I, of all people, should know. I relive that explosion, too. We screw and then you're gone, every time I try to sleep.

Sometimes it's like I can feel your presence or catch some flicker of your golden eyes in some fleeting corner of the darkness. But of course, there's nothing there but cold and darkness. Heh, not all that different from you, anyways...

So if you are really, truly dead, what am I going to do? I need to move on, but all this guilt and self-pity is holding me down. If it was only one I could slap a grin over it, get drunk and everything would return to normal. If you had left me cold and alone that night and survived Shishio's fortress, I'd be fine. If you died and we never screwed than I'd be fine. It's the mixture of the two that's suffocating me like this. I don't know how much longer I can survive on such a limited amount of air.

I wish you'd just come back to me, because I don't know how long I can stand this. Every day it becomes harder and harder to breathe.