"IRISH PUNS "
Irish Countess
Lura, the Countess of Killarney, was on a world tour with her husband, the
Count. They were staying at an Intourist hotel on the edge of the Ural Mountains
and were scheduled to begin an escorted horseback tour of the area early the
next morning. Lura had developed a good tan a month earlier on the beach at
Nice, but now she noticed that it was beginning to fade. Not having anything
scheduled after lunch, she took a blanket and wandered off in search of a secluded
spot where she could touch up the tan a bit. Unfortunately, Lura failed to realize
that at high attitudes the rays of the sun were much more damaging than at sea
level. Even worse, she fell asleep. She awoke, feeling rather uncomfortable.
Dressing gingerly, she limped back to the hotel to have her husband assess the
damages and the prospects for the morrow. After one look he delivered his verdict:
.... "Tour all Ural, Lura? Too raw, Lura. Lie."
The Irish .... An English-piquing people.
The Rarie
An exotic animal collector finally was able to complete his collection with
the acquisition of an juvenile member of a very unusual species called the Rarie.
The animal looked like a furry, round ball, with feet on the bottom. However,
the collector did not know much about this creature, especially how much it
would grow. And it grew. As the Rarie grew, it ate more and more. And it grew
at an alarming rate. The small animal enclosure had to be enlarged, and enlarged,
and enlarged. All too soon, the size of the creature was becoming alarming,
and the amount of food consumed was straining the collector's budget. Finally,
in a state of desperation, he took the animal in a dump truck to the edge of
a gigantic cliff with the idea that he would drop it over the edge. Just as
the collector was getting set to roll the animal out of the truck, the animal
popped open an eye and looked at him and asked, "Whatcha gonna do now?"
The collector explained how he could no longer afford the upkeep, and that dropping
it over the cliff would be a humane way to get rid of such an expensive liability.
The animal looked over the edge and with a tear in its eye, it said, .... "It's
a long way to tip a Rarie."
An Irishman named O'Leary, who loved to sing as he worked, bought a mule to farm his garden. The mule worked well but was almost totally deaf. So, when his owner yelled, "Whoa!", the animal often continued plowing. Asked how the mule was working out, O'Leary shook his head. "There was a time," he said, "when all the neighbors could here was me singing my lilting melodies." "Lately, I'm afraid, they've heard nothing but .... my riled Irish whoa's!"
Their constant conflicts must some day lead the Irish to see .... the Eire
of their ways.
