HEY PEOPLE, if you want to email me jokes, ill put them up and i might even make you famous. If you have any ideas about a back ground please please tell me and ill put it in for ya!!
ANYWAY Heres one my friend told me.
A Canadian, Osama Bin laden and Uncle Sam are walking along and they come across a magic lamp, they rub it to see what happens and a genie appears he tells them that they have 3 wishes for unlocking him from his prision in the lamp, so they get a wish each. The Canadian tells the genie that his father was a farmer and he is a farmer and his children shall be farmers as well, he tells the genie the deep story of how he loves his land and country, but some times after too much rain or a big drought the land becomes stale and not much grows. The genie asks what he wants for his wish, the canadian says that he wishes all the land in canada to be rich and fertile for every generation after him. The genie accepts and there is a *poof* and all the soil in canada is rich from then on. Next Osama bin laden takes his turn to ask for a wish, he says that, to protect his land from infedels, Jews and western scum he wants the biggest wall imaginable right the way around Afganistan, there is a *POOF* and there is Osama's wall! Now Uncle Sam walks forward, and after being an ex-civil engineer he asks the genie what the wall is like that Osama is so proud of, the genie tell uncle Sam that it is 6 miles high, a mile thick, reinforeced with titanium and steel, nothing whats so ever can pass through it, the genie then asks, 'so what is your wish?' and Uncle sam thinks and then replies 'could you just fill the entire of Afganistan with water?'
Thanks Mathew
Hey heres another one, this is from matt as well...
Newspaper Ads
As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips:
o Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
o A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
o Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
o For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
o For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
o Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
o Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
o Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
o Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
o We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
o No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
o For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
o For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
o Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.
o 7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.
o Great Dames for sale.
o Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
o Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
o 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
o Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
o Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
o If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
o Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
o The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
o Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
o Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
o Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
o Stock up and save. Limit: one.
o Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
o We build bodies that last a lifetime.
o Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
o This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
o For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
o For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
o Man, honest. Will take anything.
o Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
o Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
o Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
o Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
o Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
o Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
o Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
o Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
o 3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
o Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
o Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
o Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
o See ladies blouses. 50% off!
o Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
o Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
o Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
o Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
o Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.
o Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
o And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
o We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
-
I found this one mildy amusing... Ahem
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa." The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked. The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma." The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy." Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
Again, thanks Matt...
Hey if anyone else APART from matt has any jokes let me know.
Hmm, i dont know if i like this one or not... send me your opinions :) SHE WAS SO BLONDE...
...she tripped over a cordless phone.
...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate"
. ...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
...she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK".
...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...she tried to drown a fish.
...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
...if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.
...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".
...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius". (of course, I used to have a friend who, when asked what sign he was conceived under would answer 'No parking')
...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
...it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
...if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
...she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
...she sold the car for gas money.
...when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.
...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
...when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
What the President Meant to Say!
A slightly different look at things. This is probably what President Bush meant.
Good evening
my fellow Americans. First, I want to pass on my condolences
to the people of New York and all Americans that are hurting in this tragic time. You can rest assured that anything and everything that can be done to assure the safety of our country will be done. This is the greatest country in the world and we will get through this trying time. Now is the time for all people to set aside our petty differences and show the world that no one or nothing can destroy the fortitude of the American people. To the people responsible for today's tragedy, I say this: Are you f*cking kidding me? Are the turbans on your heads wrapped too tight? Have you gone too long without a bath? Do you not know who you are f**king with?. Have you forgotten history? What happened to the last people that started f*cking around with us? Remember the little yellow bastards over in Japan? We slapped them all over the Pacific and roasted about 2 million of them in their own back yard. That's what we in America call a big ass barbecue. Ever seen Texas on a map? Ever wonder why it's so big? Because we wanted it that way, Mexico started jacking around with the Alamo and now they cut our lawns. Ask your buddy Saddam about f*cking with the good 'ole USA. The only reason he got away the first time is because it's too hard to shoot someone when you're doubled over laughing at them. Our soldiers aren't trained to laugh and shoot at the same time. Now he couldn't stop a pack of cub scouts from taking over his sh*tty little country. Trust us, Afghanistan will end up a giant kitty litter box. Go ahead and try to hide, Bin Laden. There's not a hole deep enough or a mountain high enough that's going to keep your camel riding asses safe. We will bomb every inch of the country that harbors him, his camps and any place that looks and even smells like he was there. Hell, we might even drop a few bombs on people that have pissed us off in the past. This is America. We kick ass. This is what we do. Go ahead and laugh now, but the Tomahawks are coming and we will smoke your sorry asses. God bless America!
Thanks matt again! No offense to anyone there!
The Redneck Dictionary Of Medical Terms
Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria- Back door to cafeteria
Barium - What doctors do when patients die
Cesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan - Searching for kitty
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her.
Colic - A sheep dog.
Coma - A punctuation mark.
D&C - Where Washington is.
Dilate - To live long.
Enema - Not a friend.
Fester - Quicker than someone else.
Fibula - A small lie.
Genital - Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series - World series of military baseball.
Hangnail - What you hang your coat on.
Impotent - Distinguished, well known.
Labor pain - Getting jurt at work.
Medical Staff - A doctor's cane.
Morbid - A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates.
Node - I Knew it.
Outpatient - A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear - A fatherhood test.
Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative - A letter carrier.
Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery.
Rectum - Damn near killed him.
Secretion - Hiding something.
Seizure - Roman emperor.
Tablet - A small table.
Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor - More than one.
Urine - Opposite of you're out.
Varicose - Near by/close by.
The Computer belongs to a Redneck if......
1. The mouse is referred to as a critter.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-Rom drive.
4. There is a gunrack mounted to the CPU.
5. The password is "Bubba."
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
7. Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them.
8. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
9. The extra RAM slots have parts for a '76 Dodge Aspen installed in them.
10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
11. Jeff Foxworthy *.wav's.
12. The monitor is up on blocks.
13. Seven blue tick hounds under the computer desk.
14. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
15. The screen saver consists of Ned Beatty with the dueling banjos playing in the background
16. The six front keys have rotted out.
17. John Deere Pocket Protectors.
18. The only games installed on the computer are "Deer Hunting" and "Bass Fishing with Babe Winkleman" 19. Bumper stickers on the side of the tower stating "I brake for nobody"
20. Copy of his lawsuit against the makers of "Redneck Rampage" claiming that he and his brother never did such a thing
This was in a forward...
Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes: >
> (_!_) a regular ass >
> (__!__) a fat ass >
> (!) a tight ass >
> (_*_) a sore ass >
> {_!_} a swishy ass >
> (_o_) an ass that's been around >
> (_x_) kiss my ass >
> (_X_) leave my ass alone >
> (_zzz_) a tired ass >
> (_E=mc2_) a smart ass >
> (_$_) Money coming out of his ass >
> (_?_) Dumb Ass
just some thing else to add!
Well heres another matt. its his personal quote:
'If Olive oil comes from olives where does baby oil come from?'
WOW this is truly brilliant, it was shown to me by morgan my best mate, you have to have seen the film to appreciate it, and it probably wont come out totally right, but it is sooo funny non the less. thanks to who ever made it!
Mike Sphar wrote:
>From an interview with Peter Jackson I read, he was *contractually
>obligated* to provide a 2 hour cut, but the PTB liked the 3 hour cut enough
>to let it stand.
That puts the fear of God in me: FotR in two hours. "Abridged"
is a weak word to describe that result. The three-hour version
is already sliced up, just what can you delete from /it/?
THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING
Frodo: Hi, Gandalf!
Gandalf: Bilbo, give him your ring.
Bilbo: Okay. Bye!
Gandalf: See you at the pub, Frodo.
Frodo: Doo-de-do.
Nazgul: Boo!
Frodo: Eeeek!
Merry: (pops up out of nowhere) Eeeek!
Pippin: (ditto) Eeeek!
Sam: Ha ha, can't catch us now!
Tom Bombadil: Hello little friends!
Frodo: No time for you, weirdo.
Tom Bombadil: (disappears)
Saruman: See, all I had to do was cross out "Good" on my
business cards and write "Bad," and I'm all set.
Gandalf: I never saw /that/ coming.
Saruman: Excuse me while I tend to my vast army of evil orcs
and war machinery which were in plain sight.
Gandalf: Alas, if only he had imprisoned me at the top of a
high tower without walls or ceiling so that he could not
prevent a giant eagle from rescuing me, instead of in the
canonical dungeon deep underground. Oh, wait.
Frodo: (whispering) Keep a low profile.
Pippin: (loudly) And don't mention your real name, right?
Merry: (loudly) Or the ring either, right?
Strider: Right. Don't mention the ring. (laughs)
It's okay, I'll save you.
Pippin: (whining) Are we there yet?
Nazgul: Bwa ha ha ha. Give us the ring, little worm.
Frodo: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names-
Sam: Hmm, looks like swords work too.
Strider: Go away, bad men!
Nazgul: The five of us must flee, for we are outnumbered
by this one Ranger!
Frodo: Wow, we're in Rivendell!
Merry: That was easy.
Pippin: Don't knock it.
Sam: Elves are cool!
Elrond: Get the hell out of my place, I don't need trouble.
Gimli: You can't throw them out while I'm here!
Legolas: Same for me!
Elrond: Right, all of you wankers leave now.
Gandalf: But I just got here.
Boromir: I'll just invite myself along. No real reason.
Certainly not because I have larceny on my mind. Nope.
Strider: Look, they fixed my sword! (swish) Wheeeee!
Frodo: Such beautiful scenery. The green grass and leaves are so-
[THUD]
Pippin: Where the hell did all this snow come from?
Gandalf: Don't blame me. Who knew that mountains could be cold on top?
Gimli: Told you we should go through the mines.
Strider: Let the dwarf have his way.
Legolas: Fine, whatever, just open the door.
Gimli: Ummm, I have no idea how to get inside.
Boromir: What a bunch of dicks.
Gandalf: Of course! (applies C4 to the problem) [POOF]
Sam: Such magic.
Merry: Ooooo, dead dwarf over here!
Gimli: Boo hoo.
Pippin: HEY MONSTERS, COME AND GET US!!
Gandalf: Twit.
Orcs: Oh good, we were getting hungry. Do you have any idea
how difficult it is to keep an army fed in these abandonded mines?
Boromir: (Slash)
Legolas: (Pfft)
Gimli: (Whack)
Orcs: This is definitely putting a damper on our relationship.
Frodo: Ouch!
Strider: Alas, the Ring-bearer has perished! Our quest has failed!
Frodo: Just kidding. I did the slide-blade-between-arm-and-chest trick
while I was standing in profile to y'all. Pretty funny, eh?
Balrog: Dammit, I was sound asleep. That really ticks me off.
Gandalf: We are so doomed.
Strider: Not if we run away! (does so)
Boromir: First good idea you've had. (follows)
hobbits: (already in the lead)
Gandalf: (trailing) It matters not! You cannot outrun the demon!
Legolas: We don't have to . . .
Gimli: . . . we just have to outrun *you*.
Balrog: Your ass is mine, wizard. (drags Gandalf down with him)
Strider: Woe is upon our company, that Gandalf has fallen!
Frodo: I'm over it.
Sam: Yeah, let's go, there's no food here.
Legolas: Wondrous are these woods!
Gimli: And full of cutthroat elves.
Celeborn: We were told of your coming. Well, "warned" is more accurate.
Galadriel: I know you better than you know yourselves.
Sam: You've got nothing better to do with your time?
Galadriel: Wake up, Frodo, and look in the mirror.
Frodo: Geez, can't a guy get some sleep around here? What mirror
are you babbling about, there's just this birdbath full of water.
Galadriel: But it shows magic pictures of things that may or may not be!
Frodo: I'm guessing you're a day trader. Here, you take the ring.
Galadriel: I will not. (hangs her head) I lost the instructions.
Frodo: Great, I'm still stuck with it.
Celeborn: Check-out time!
Pippin: (singing) Row row row your boat, gently down-
Gimli: Shut the hell up. Seven hours of that is enough.
Strider: All this beautiful scenery is giving me a very bad feeling.
Boromir: Give me the ring.
Frodo: Notice as I put it on that it not only makes me invisible,
it also apparently teleports me away from your clutches.
Boromir: Arrrrrgghhh! I'm just trying to save my kingdom!
Where is a rake I can step on, that it might strike my head?
Ah, this will do nicely. (whack)
Frodo: Best thing for me to do now is head for the most dangerous
place in the world.
Sam: Works for me. (they leave)
SuperOrcs: Kill kill kill!
Merry: Help, help, Auntie Em! (waves his tiny sword pathetically)
Pippin: Christ, look at the size of these guys, we're dead meat.
Boromir: Fear not, little hobbits, I shall blow my special horn and
we shall be rescued by soldiers . . who are . . hundreds . . of . .
miles . . away . . guess we are pretty stuffed after all. (dies)
SuperOrcs: Kill kill kill!
Legolas: Look at my form. Damn, I'm good.
Gimli: I'm environmentally friendly --- blood makes the grass grow.
Strider: Looks like Frodo got away. Well, there's no chance in hell
I'm going to step one foot closer to Mordor, so let's go the exact
opposite direction.
Legolas: Okay.
Gimli: Sure.
THE END
Yeah, that's about two hours.
This one was sent to me by an extremly beautiful girl called chloe, shes Carabien, i think this is a central American 'English, Scotsman and Irish' joke. Everyone can get it though.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Bajan is having breakfast one morning;
coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam when a Trini man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Bajan ignores the Trini who, nevertheless, starts a conversation:
Trini: "You Baje folk eat the whole bread??"
Bajan (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Trini: (after blowing a huge bubble): "We don't. In Trinidad, we only eat what's inside. The crusts, we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the Bajans."
The Trini has a smirk on his face and the Bajan listens in silence.
The Trini persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
Bajan: "Of Course."
Trini: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In Trinidad we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels,seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the Bajans."
The Bajan then asks: "Do you have sex in Trinidad?"
Trini : "Why of course we do", the Trini says with a big smirk.
Bajan: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Trini: "We throw them away, of course."
Bajan: "We don't. In Barbados, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Trinidadians."
This one was sent to me by a good friend of mine, nancy, and here it is.
a woman went into the confessional and told the priest she had touched a
mans genitals so he gave her 1 our father and 1 hail mary as punishment. the
next day another woman came in and told the priest she had given a man a
blow job. the priest wasn't sure what the punishment was for this, so he
dashed out of the confessional to find someone to ask . the choir was
practising, so he asked one of the choir boys "what does father tony give
for blow jobs?" the choir boy said : "a mars bar"
THIS was from my mate morgan and is really funny, you have to check it out!!
http://www.madblast.com/oska/humor_pong.swf
Or What?
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doctor tells the man to have his wife come in so he can talk to her. The wife comes by the next day and the doctor asks her what's wrong; "why don't you want to have sex with your husband anymore?" The wife explains, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'. Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more." The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available; a brand new Ferrari 550. It costs him £500,000. He takes it out for a
spinand
stops at a red traffic light. An old man on a moped pulls up next
to
him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What
kind
of car have you got there, son?" The young man replies, "A
Ferrari
550
it cost half a million pounds!!" "That's a lot of money," says
the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up
to
220
miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head
in the
window and looks around.
Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a
pretty
nice
car, all right .... but I think I'll stick with my moped!!"
Just then, the light changes to green so the guy decides to show
the
old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 15 seconds
the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to
be
getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and
suddenly,
whooooooosssshhhh! Something whips buy him, going much faster!!!
"What
on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man
asks
himself. He floors the accelerator again and takes the Ferrari up
to
200 mph. then, up ahead of him, he sees that its the old man on
the
moped.
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some
more
gas
and passes the moped at 210 mph. Whhhhooooooosssssshhhh!!! He's
feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old
man
gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he
floors
accelerator and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 220 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him
again.
The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do. Suddenly,
the
moped ploughs into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear
end.
The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still
alive!! He
runs up to
the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God!! Is there anything I
can
do for
you?"
The old man whispers with his dying breath ....
"Unhook my f*****g braces from your wing mirror!!!!"
THis is funny but you must have some knowledge of CS and Alien vs preditor or preditor the film
http://www.cscentral.com/fun/flash/predator-strike.php
this is a cool game!
http://www.liquid.se/pong.html
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room,
where
their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor
came
in
looking tired and sombre. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of
bad news,"
he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope
left for
your
loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an
experimental
procedure, very risky and you will have to pay for the brain
yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how
much does
a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded,
"£5,000 for a male
brain,
and £200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to
smile,
avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually
smirked.
A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the
question
everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much
more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the
entire
group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We
have to mark
down the price of the female brains, because they've
actually
been
used."
One day a women goes to the doctors. he hands her a bottle of pills
and tells her to put one pill in her husband's coffee every morning
to make him more horny in bed.
The next morning she did this and that night they had the best sex
ever!!!
She thought the next morning, well i'll put two in this time, and
they had hot steamy sex even better than the night before.
She decides that tomorrow she's gonna put the whole bottle of pills
in his coffee and figures she'll get the Fucking Of A Lifetime!
Later the next day, the phone rings and their son picks it up.
It was the doctor, "Hello Johnny, can I speak with your mother?" he
asks the young man. Johnny replies with a sob, my mom's dead, my
sister's pregnant, my ass hurts like HELL, and my dad's outside
goin' "Here Kitty Kitty"!!!
Erm thank you marina, we should talk havnt heard from you in ages
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up... you're next!"
Thanks matt
Buy Me A Drink This big, nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender! I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!" After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?" The drunk replies, "Sir! In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"
Hmm that was matt again, you may be seeing subtle patterns forming about his form of humour...
This one is from KIM :)thank you.
One day little Billy's father comes in and asks "Little Billy, did you push the outhouse down the hill?"
"No." replies little Billy.
So his father asks one more time, "Little Billy did you push the outhouse down the hill?"
"No." replied little Billy again.
So little Billy's father told him the story of George Washington and the cherry tree. When George Washington's dad asked who chopped down the cherry tree George Washington said "Father, I can't tell a lie i chopped down the cherry tree" and George Washington did not get a spanking.
So little Billy's dad asked once more "Little Billy, did you push the outhouse down the hill?"
Little Billy replied "Father I cannot tell a lie, I pushed the outhouse down the hill." So little Billy's father gave him the spanking of his life. "But George Washington didn't get a spanking," complained little Billy.
His father responded, "George Washington's father was not in the tree when he chopped it down."
this is cool, mell sent this to me, its quite funny !!
His Condition A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?" The man replies, "I'm sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it? "The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
9 ULTIMATE IRRITATIONS IN LIFE
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the f*** is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." F***ing right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look." Of course it is. Why the f*** would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No mate, I paid $8 to come to the cinema and stare at the f***ing floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did you arsehole?
7. When something is "new and improved"! Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short," What the f***?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f***ing does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here moron???
THis was sent to me by my friend pinks... :)
A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a cheque he pulled
a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with
it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the teller. "Well now, that's
great, just great...some asshole's got my pen."
I have just had a florish of emails from matt, here are a few of them...
"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously
stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in
my hand, while the fish swim by in
complete safety."
IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance
at all of making it logical".
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing.
It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU.
IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead
over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over
the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop',
the address of the first girl I ever kissed,
and the vehicle identification numbers
of every car I've ever owned,
but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU,
AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner
was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF,
IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb,
ut will bleed to death before
I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some
pretty darn soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands,
so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you
just said, and am hoping desperately that I
can fake it well enough so that you don't
spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me,
and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit,
I'm starving already."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Means: "I make the mess, she cleans it up."
this was from morgan!
Guy With A Winking Problem
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales
representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and
says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your
recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.
Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales
representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your
constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't
hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all
sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored
condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it
open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a
respectable company, and we will NOT have our employees womanizing all over
the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked
for aspirin?"
this is from matt, i have seen it before but its funny...
Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with desert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Call fire department to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How to Give A Dog A Pill...
Wrap it in bacon.
this was from matt as well...
Crank Callers
A friend of mine sent this to me in e-mail. It is quite the funny story
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "asshole," and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're an asshole!" It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real setback for me; I would have to stop calling the asshole. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and when I heard his voice, "Hello?" I made up a name. "Hi. I'm with the Telephone Company and I'm just calling to see if you'd be interested in our caller ID program?" "No!" he shouted and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
Keep reading this, it gets better!........
An old lady at the shopping center really took her time pulling out of a parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. "Great", I thought, she's finally leaving.
All of a sudden this black BMW comes flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I hit the horn and started yelling, "You can't do that. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me. He walked toward the shopping center as if I didn't even exist. I thought to myself, this guy's another asshole; there sure are a lot of assholes in this world. Then I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the phone number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I'm sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're an asshole!" (It's really easy since I have his number on speed dial now.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black BMW there on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Sure..."
"Don, you're an asshole!" And I slammed the phone down. Then, I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. I must say, for a while things seemed to be going much better for me.
Now when I had a problem I had two assholes to call. Then, after several months of calling the assholes and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with this solution:
First, I had my phone speed dial asshole #1. A man answered nicely, "Hello?" I yelled "You're an asshole!", but I didn't hang up.
The asshole said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "Make me."
He said, "What's your name, pal?"
So I told him, "Don Hansen."
He said, "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black BMW's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole!", and I hung up.
Then I called asshole #2. Don Hansen answered, "Hello?" said, "Hello, asshole."
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your ass."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, asshole." And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was on my way to 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as I got there. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down on West 34th Street... After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious satisfaction!
Watching two assholes kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew was one of the greatest experiences of my life! Well, Now you know what to do if you have a really bad day !!! Have a great day !!
- Author Unknown
another from matt...
Blonde Jokes A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, they sit for a while, then the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke?" The bar gets real quiet. In a husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 pound, blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she is a weight lifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about is seriously, Mister. You still want to tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it 5 times."
Sadly, Dave was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in business his problem annoyed him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Dave asked him, "Do you
notice anything different about me?" "Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply. Dave did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office. The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears." Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage. The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart. He was handsome, and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" Dave was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?", he asked. The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears!"
that was from kim
this was from PINKs :)
Actual comments made by NYC teachers on their report cards as part of their final narratives. All teachers were reprimanded.
1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.
This one is good although a little gross! thanks matt
An 80-year-old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend, for your age you're in the best shape I've seen." The old man replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life." The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night." The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?" "Yep," the old man said, "whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me." Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "He what?" she cried. "He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "Aha!" she exclaimed. "So he's the one who's been peeing in the refrigerator!"
another from Matt
Why English is hard to learn
The bandage was wound around the wound.The farm was able to produce produce.The tip had to refuse more refuse. The insurance was invalid for an invalid.He was to close to close the door.After a number of jabs my jaw got number.How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? They had to subject the subject to a series of tests.The rowers had a row about how to row. I did not object to the object.
Also, quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, a guinea pig isn't from Guinea, nor is it a pig.Writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham. The plural of tooth is teeth, so why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
We say one goose, 2 mongooses, so why not one moose, 2 meese and one index, 2 indexes?
You can make amends, but not one amend. If you get rid of all but one of your odds and ends what is left?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
People recite a play and play at a recital. They ship by lorry but send cargo by ship.We have noses that run and feet that smell.
Do noses run in families? A slim chance and a fat chance are the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites.
A house can burn up as it burns down.You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computors, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which of course isn't a race at all.
That is why when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
A linguistics professor in Ontario was discussing the structure of English this week.'In English, a double negative forms a positive.
In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. But there is no language in which a double positive is still a negative'. To which a Scottish voice piped up from the back..'Aye, right'.
Another from Matt...
Good Marriage A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled. My husband quietly said ‘That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, ‘That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband promptly removed a revolver from his pocket and shot him. I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said ‘That's once.'"
lol
This is from my very down to earth friend- pinks :)
WHAT IS YOUR HORRORSCOPE?
AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18: You are progressive. You lie a great deal.
On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing
you to make the same mistakes repeatedly.
Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20: You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward.
Pisces people screw small animals and pick their nose a lot.
ARIES MAR 21 - APRIL 19: You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick.
You like having sex in crowds and switching up on partners.
TAURUS APR 20 - MAY 20: You are practical and persistent. You have lots of determination and work like hell. Most people think you are a snob and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn communist, who loves oral sex.
GEMINI MAY 21 - JUNE 20: You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like
you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much
for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard.
Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
CANCER JUNE 21 - JULY 22: You are sympathetic and understanding of
others problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off.
This is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit.
LEO JULY 23 - AUG 22: You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are
a pussy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.
Most Leos have herpes.
VIRGO AUG 23 - SEPT 22: You are the logical type and hate disorder.
This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional
and often fall asleep while screwing.
Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
LIBRA SEPT 23 - OCT 22: You are the artistic type and have a difficult time
with reality. If you are a male, you are probably queer. Chances for
employment and money gains are pathetic. Most Libra women are whores.
All Libras die of Venereal Diseases.
SCORPIO OCT 23 - NOV 21: You are shrewd in business and can not be trusted.
You will screw anything from a witch to a wizard. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch.
Most Scorpios are murdered.
SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 - DEC 21: You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have
a reckless tendency to rely on luck, since you have no talent. The majority
of Sagittarians are drunks or pot-heads.
People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting screwed.
CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 19: You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.
You are basically chicken-shit. There was never a Capricorn of any importance.
You should kill yourself.
WOW i remember the jokes page! havnt updated for long time!! oh well matt just emailed me with the lastest, he thourght it was funny, its not too bad!
thanks matt!
Do you believe? Boss: "Do you believe in life after death?" Employee: "Yes, Sir." Boss: "That explains it, then. After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
ANother one from matt!
Phillip fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women, he couldn't believe his good fortune. They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man.Phillip threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day of rest more and more eagerly.One afternoon he was sitting on the beach and wishing for some more men to share his duties when he caught sight of a man waving from a life raft that was bobbing on the waves. Phillip swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and did a little jig of happiness. "You can't believe how happy I am to see you," he cried.The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed, "You're a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing!"
this was from my old teacher!
claire truelove
Men VS. Women
MEN AND WOMEN COMPARED NICKNAMES: If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose
go out
for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and
Rose. If
Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer
to each
other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will
each
throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will
have
anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change
back. When
the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay
$1 for a
$2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, comb,
shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The
average
number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would
not be
able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a
man says
after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women
aren't
looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man
never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
can
spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't. A
man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the
plants, empty
the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man
will
dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women
somehow
deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She
knows
about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite
foods,
secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some
short
people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no
use in two people remembering the same thing.
Hey this was a real life thing, its a conversation between my mate morgan and his Belgium friend, who although is very good at English hasnt really mastered the WHOLE vocabulary...
Morgan - The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world
he didn't exist. says:
its graphically orgasmic!
SilverCircle says:
okay, i can understand most of the freaking language you speak but that last
word you need to explain
Morgan - The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world
he didn't exist. says:
lol
Morgan - The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world
he didn't exist. says:
hahah
Morgan - The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world
he didn't exist. says:
well hmm
Morgan - The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world
he didn't exist. says:
an orgasm....
Morgan - The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world
he didn't exist. says:
erm
Morgan - The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world
he didn't exist. says:
This is kind of hard
Morgan - The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world
he didn't exist. says:
an orgasm is the feeling you have, like during sex
Morgan - The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world
he didn't exist. says:
lol
Redneck Family Tree
Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who
was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!
and of course that was from mathew! thanks!
a blond is walking down the road she's got her tampon behind her ear and
can't think what she's done with her fag!
thank you hannah :D
Hey and another from Matt!
College Entrance Exam, Football-Player Version
Time Limit: 3 WKS
Name: _____________________________
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and socialconditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic
(check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners
9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush: ____________________________________________
Carter: __________________________________________
Clinton: _________________________________________
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
George the Sixth. Name the previous five:
11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D.
* You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify.
CHURCH NOTICE BOARD
Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
· Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
· Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
· For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
· Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
· This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
· Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
· A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
· At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
· The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
· Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
· The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
· Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
· 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
· The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
· Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
and last but not least...
· Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
thanks Matt....
From Morgan, damn funny
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but
only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball
player, the Lakers need me,I can't afford to die...." So he took the first
pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former
president of the United States, I am also the most ambitious woman in the
world and I am a New York Senator and a potential future president."
She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, George W. Bush, said : "I'm President of the United
States of America, I have a great responsibility being the leader of a
superpower nation. And above all I'm the cleverest President in American
history, so America's people won't let me die." So he put on the pack next
to him and jumped out of the plane.
The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10
year-old school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, as a
Catholic I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.
The boy said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you. America's
cleverest President has taken my schoolbag!"
And this one was from Daisy!
Annoying Boy on Bus
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and
starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little
bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my
dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little
elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and
yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a
prostitute?!''
The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
Body Talk
This lady goes to the doctor for a check up.
When she gets home her husband asks, "So how did the appointment go?"
She replies, "He said, I have the body of a twenty year old.
Her husband says, "Oh yeah. and what did he have to say about your forty year old ass?"
She says, "Your name didn't come up."
BLondie on a plane
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.
Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.
She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."
-What to not say to the nice policeman.
-I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
-Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
-Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
-Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!
-I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
-I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
-Bad cop! No doughnut!
-You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
-Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
-Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
-Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
-Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
-I pay your salary!
-So, uh, you on the take or what?
-Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
-Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
-I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.
-What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
-Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal -and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
-Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
-Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity searches?
Skunked Again
A fellow always wanted to have a pet skunk, so in the dead of winter, he took his girlfriend with him to go hunting for one. After a bit of waiting, they bag a skunk and bring him back to the truck. The skunk is very scared and very cold, so the guy asks his girlfriend if she can keep the skunk between her legs to keep him warm.
"But what about the smell?" asks his girlfriend.
"Oh, he'll get used to it, just like I did."
The Halloween Costume
There once was a man with a bald head and a pegleg who was in need of a kickin' Halloween costume. So he wrote to a costume company, who promptly sent him a bandana and a hook so he could be a pirate.
Outraged that they were making fun of his pegleg, he fired off a complaint letter. In order to please him, the costume company sent him a monk's costume saying that it would be perfect for his bald head.
Now outraged that they were making fun of his bald head, the man sent another angry letter. Soon after, another package arrived in the mail -- a package of caramel. Attached was a note:
"Stick the pegleg up your ass, dip your head in caramel, and go as a caramel apple."
Alligator Shoes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouted out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
and another ol' favourite from mathew :)
After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes, and then the mechanics read and correct the problem. They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as submitted by QUANTAS pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
thanks for that
