Well here I am sitting in front of the computer typeing away once again but this time for a reason that is a little diffrent than most of the others.    For the past many weeks I have realized that I have not genuinely smiled for a long long time.  Late June early July was the last really good one that I had, since then the closet I've come to it would be when we all got together on the 18th of August and went to subway.  Ever since then I had been putting up a false smileing face that can hardly be concitered beleivable because I didn't want to distress or worry anybody.   But the 18 has made me realize that this foolishnes shas gone on much much to long.   So I vow to spend all my free time typeing untill I feel better.   Some how I feel like I will be typeing for a very very long time.  Oh well normally when I feel like this I write an e-mail to someone and I usually feel better.   This first started off as an e-mail to deb(hi deb), but then it began takeing the form of something I would write to Shareefa(yes your name is spelled wrong, I'm sorry) but once again it began to evolve.  SO I sat back and thought for a bit and realized I had nothing specific to say to anybody so I fired up notepad and started typeing away at what you are reading right now.  Now then why don't we attack my little plight in the most roundabout way possible, start with little things that bug me and move on in to the big ass things that are bothering me.  Little thing #1 the upper middle class, I think that's where we are money wise I'm not sure though.  While my parents complain of us haveing no money we seem to be takeing a vaction to Pureto Rico.  Anyways I think the upper middle class have it pretty bad, especaily when your close to become one step higher on the monetary chain.  This weekend the travel channel was on in the background while I was playing diablo 2 and while I was eating luch.  From time to time I would sit and listen to what they were talking about and I was boaderline revolted.   Who the hell watches that sort of crap.  Compleate morons in far off exotic places that no ordinary person can afford to go to doing the stupidest of things.  A thought crossed my mind as to who would watch such useless crap and then I got my answer, the rich and thouse that aspire to be richer but just can't seem to make that last little hop into the world of the wealthy.  We have yet to make that hop and to tell you the truth I don't think it's gonna happen but that isn't what bothers me.  The thing is that that channel is on all the time in my house on the weekends and usually my mom is on the couch watching it.  It's so depressing to see someone who has so much and all they can think about is how much more they could have.  So she works herself to the bone for   not what we have but for what we will get.  Now that we have done that lets move on to work in gernal.  At first I though it was a great place to be, but that quickly died.  For some reason I thought that people eventually grow up and stop being asshole to each other and just try to get on with what they are doing.   I was most very very wrong the amount of stuff that goes on there is just plain odd.  I dunno how to properly formulate this into words so I'll be back latter.   I guess I'll do a big thing thing now, Michael Bentley!  time.  Michael Bentley! time is where I am alone doing what I do when I'm alone.  I desperatly need this time and if I do not get it dire consiquences result.  The range from moodieness and forgetfulness to open displays of rage and deep dark depression.  Now then when skool was in session I pretty much garanteed a walk to skool, a walk home and few hours in between.  This was perfect I got to be the person I liked when I was in skool and a diffrent person I also liked when I'm out of it.  Let's change the topic for a few minuts and let me explain something.  Depending on who I'm with and where I am I become compleatly diffren people.  A freind of mine, Lior has witenessed this but he only named three out of the 5 or so.  There's the happy me around my freinds, there's me when I'm just talking, me when I'm al alone, me when I'm depressed, me when I'm at work and me when I'm at my mom's house.  When I am a diffrnet me then there are only faint faint remnates of the other one's.  Some are so faint that they show no out ward signs at all and only I am aware of then ruslteing around inside my head.  I like these diffrent versions of me to varying degrees but to tell the truth I like the me when I'm all alone the best.  I'm not shur why I think it is because of the massive amount of freedom that I have when I am around only myself, and the person I like the least is me at work.  This brings me back to what I was orginaly talking about, I don't like who I become when I am at work (pauses because the hallowed be thy name solo is on as preformed my cradle of filth) but for some reason I feel that it is nessiary to become him, and here is why.  I don't veiw my job as a job, I veiw it as a respocibility.    I mean I could have gotten all sorts of jobs around here, I mean everyone was looking for help over the summer I could have gotten a nice part time job and all would have been swell.  No this job was bestowed apon me because I was needed at this place for the summer for a few specific things.  I won't go into detail with what they were just that they are important and time consumeing.  I went because I was needed and when I am needed nothing can really stop me.  Lets go off topic again.  I need to feel needed, not a to uncommon state of mind in today's day and age, at least I think...no matter the root of the matter is that I need to feel needed.  I dunno why I guess...it had to do with the way I was brought up.  Some where between then and now I got the distince impression that if I was needed then I was to drop eveything and anything I was doing at the time and make that my top priority.  I don't know how it happened it just did.  So I wasn't going to work there because I was planning on working at a normal summer job flipping burgers but when she told me that she already told them I was starting on monday and that they needed me.  With that sentense  she hit my two weakspots right on the head, hard.  I was forced to give in isnatntly for also when I was growing up I was told not to disapoint thouse around you and when you did you should feel like shit for years afterwards(I do to).  To tell you the truth I think I just kinda came up with some of this stuff on my own and no one one taught it to me.  What ever this is not the time for rooting around the past for obscure memories that arn't at the moment important.  So here I am at this job and I am stuck, I work at it longer and harder than I have to just because some one told me that I was needed.    I skipped an optionaly mandtory day of work on friday to go to subway with my freinds.  I agnozied over that destion for two weeks and finally I decided to blow off my freinds and go to work.  Then that friday morning my mom decided to go in late and I had one last chance to think about what about to do for the rest of my day, was I willing to sacrfice, myself just so that I could go to a place were I was needed?  Or would I go to subway with my freinds and leave that place for a day.  I went to subway oddly enough, but I am still agnoized with the question was my destion a right one?      That's another thing the me at work is spreading into my everyday life chokeing out the other me's trying to gain full controll over my body.  I can't kill him and I can't subdue him so I can only make room for him and hope for the best...but this course of action will lead to great consiqunces, especailly if you like the happy me.   Oh well something will work it's self out, it usually dose and if not well at least I can take comfort in the fact that I will die someday.  Well lets see now what topic to tackle next...did I leave something unfinnshed?  Don't think so, you know someone once said to me that I can write more about nothing at all then anyone else he knew, I take great pride in that comment I really do.  He also said this as I was writting a note to some girl I had never met or spoken to befor, I had just crossed my 4th page.   It was reported that I seriously freaked her out, and I don't know why.  I guess it was that it was a rathwer long note from someone she never met...hey speaking of something else I got what I needed to type next.  Summer time.  Summer time for me is a time like no other, the great big away is how I refer to it when I am talking to myself.  Anyway being around other people is a tireing experience for me.  For some reason I just can't seem to comprehend why they do some of the things they do, why then needlesly complicate their lives and put them selves through such mental anguish over an insignifigant part of thier lives.  The sheer bafflement of this is daunting to say the least.  I haven't the sligets idea of what to make of some people.  It's one of the few things I don't think I can put into words, but lets leave it at this you all confuse me alot.  Anyways summer is my super special alone time where I get to be away from everything and everyone and just coast...well okay this summer didn't quite work like that but that's the point.  My summer times are filled with late nights and good books, I am put in a state where I can't sleep nor do I want to.  It is a time of wistful happyness that dosn't really seem to end...and when skool stats again I am ready to atempt to wade through the confusion of everyday lives while quietly trying to stay out of them.  A REVELATION! it's true I try not to get involved with life because I find it to...to... what's a non offensive word... stupid.  Well maby not stupid but I'm getting tired and I don't feel like finding a better one.  Befor I contine I need to share my world veiws about something that is somewhat important to everyone else racism.   Apenetly people have been talking about this recently and now I will put in my two cents...which is as usual diffrent from eveyone elses.  To be truthful there is no room in my head for racism people either amuse me or I amuse them, people either help me or I halp them and people are just people.  That means when they are in a large group and your all alone avoid them because people in groups aren't worth talking about.   Now then people are in groups alot so I definatly tend to do alot of avoiding unless through some sort of set of circumstances has lead me to become part of that group.   Umm I forgot what this was orgianlly about but we'll go back to my last important thought.  I need to be away from everybody for long streaches of time.  By this I mean no discusstion of relationships or other odd things at all no actuall human contact for at least a month and time spent with freind limited to isolated meetings durning the summer.  Why all this is I do not know but this has not happened durning this summer and that is not good at all.  Well I've typed for about an hour and a half and I don't feel any better.   In fact I have more to worry about, ah well I suppose things will sort them selfs out if I just relax and just let things happen.  I just hope nothing important happen while I do that.

Well it's that period of time btween when it's time we should be going to work and the time when we'll be actually leaveing.  My life is filled with these little time periods where I can't start something new, complete something old, and I can't just sit and do nothing.  More often then not these periods of time result in more words apearing on this monstrosity of a web page or a long disturbing e-mail to be vomited out to someone.  These idle priods of time is where many of my best thoughts are thunk or where dark emories start to surface.  I dunno but what I do know is that I'm stuck in one now and so it begins.  (it just now strikes me that this would make a wonderful intro to this page.)

If you had to choose between compleat order and compleat chaos which would you pick?  It's an interesting debate that I recentlky started with myself and I thought I would let you in on it.  First lets look at the Chaos side of things (the side I'm on natualry).  If there was complete chaos then nothing, no not anything would be certain.  At any time black can become white elephants can rain from the sky monsters with more legs than teeth (but a whole lot of teeth) would roam the streets (which could become ducks) and there would be absolutly no underlying reason to it all and absolutly no guideing force.  God wouldn't have a plan or an idea anything can happen or nothing at all.  It's imposible to imagine really, against human nature in fact.   Humans are pack animals (for the most part) we need a group with a leader and followers and all that stuff.  Were there to be complete chaos no body would be able to stay together long enough in order for us to form a group or a relationship, I mean as soon as you get together the other person could turn into a platapus or something strange like that.  Well that's chaos for you, now for complete order.  As a species I am a firm beleiver that we need some order in our lives, that order can be kept to an absolute bear minimum but it's still nessisary.  That's just an observation that I made, and that is why chaos is so unapealing to some people.  Some people wouldn't be able to handle the disorder where as many people wouldn't mind so much as others.   Conversly I also beleive that we need an essence of chaos in our lives.    My health teacher called it stress but we will be calling it a lill chaos.     It is a know fact that without a lill chaos nothing would get done and that our minds you start to melt.  THere would be nothing to stimulate us nor would there be anything to excite us.  Our lives would be broken down into 2 or 3 rolutines that we would carry out each dayone after the other with no varity.  We would never meet new people and we would never be truly happy.  We would be stuck in a horrilbe inbetween feeling that could be best described as meloncoly.  Now as you may look at this it is a argument that is impossible to resolve because A. the two cases are fantasy and would never happen in real life and B. Both cases are beyond our comprehension.    The closest we could ever hope to come is to haveing a "good idea" what it would be like, and for me that is sufficient.  I dunno food for thought I guess.

From: Michael Bentley! [SMTP:thekolo@hotmail.com] Sent: Friday, August 25, 2000 6:11 AM To: consumer.service@sanfordcorp.com Subject: hello for a very long time I have been a fan of your permanate markers, thier ability to mark just about anything and the high quality of your products is to be admired.  You most definatly deserve your spot as number one.  Now then I noticed that your Sharpie barnd of permante markers are non toxic. Just how non toxic are they, I mean can I eat them?  Where could I find more details as to just how non toxic the markers are?  Any help would be greatly apreciated, Michael Bentley

Self esteem, I first heard thouse words in 6th grade, my brandy new fresh out of kollage heath teacher got up and pointed to a picture of a door mat a picture of a bull dog and the picture of perfection.  Imeadiatly someone proclaimed that they were a bulldog and proud of it...I thought to myself well I would guess that I am a door mat and no body seemed to fit thier defintion of the idea and perfect human being.   Over the years self esteem and it's many wonders has been taught to me, and re taught to me over and over again.  It seems that the very basis of health class was based around this half cocked theory about how we all should be feeling good about our selves and such.  In truth I think that the whole theory is a massive load of bull shit.  I have a low self image, I don't even look at myself in the mirror because I can't stand the sight of my own body.  When I am faced with a mirror my eyes simply foucus on something that is behind my refelction, or when I brush my teeth or shave my face I concentrate on thouse parts of my bodys because they are non offensive.   However I never ever look directly at myself, now if this isn't a low self opinion then I don't know what is.  Despite everything I just said there is the very real possibliy that I might have a really high self esteem.  I like myself most of the time, I like most of my mind, I like the way I go out of my way to help others, and I like the fact that I don't have to worry about how I look.  For some reason all that dosn't seem to count when you loath your own relection in the mirror, or subcounsiously avoid looking at your own reflection.  Aparently every good thing I think about just dosn't matter at all because I have a dismal self image.  To me that is compleat and utter bull, so I don't have a high self esteem, but I do have a middle finger and the means to point it at the people that tell me I should.

You know recently I had one of thouse "you should have a high self esteem" conversations with this girl.  THis one was more irritated then most of them for a coule of reasons, one she just wouldn't quit, and two there was so much of me that just went straight over her head that it is almost distressing.  She went off and made wide sweeping assumptions about me, decided that they would be fact and refues to change her mind about anything that she has said.  So just remeber you aren't as smart as you think you are and there is the very real possiblity that you may be wrong...I've wandered off topic.  Anyways one of her major arguments is that the things that happen in high skool mean nothing and that it is just a small insignifigant part of your life that dosn't matter.  For a long time I beleived that full heartedly I mean it was just 4 years but then someone named Chrissy said something to me that I will most likely never ever forget, you will regret not going to homecomeing 40 years from now.    My responce to that was I already have much larger regretts that do and will bother me alot more than a stupid dance that I don't want to go to.  It took about a day for me to put both thoughts together and suddenly I realized something very major, what happens in high skool dose matter and anyone that thinks diffrently is just thinking wishfuly.  During high skool you are both physically and mentaly growing up, which means you aren't done yet.  The people you meet and the things you do should be remebered by you for the rest of your life... many people had their first real loves in high skool or thier first losses.  I read about a study that shows that some people never ever get over thier first crush.  I know I will remeber mine untill the day I die.  THe complements, freinds, insults and heartbreaks will remain with you your entire life.  True it is just 4 years, and true our lives are just starting and we have the world in front of us, but in a way we don't.  If there is one thing I've learned for my parents going to work it's that life dosn't get any less stupid.  The maturity level may change if your lucky but that's about it, as soon as your're thrown into that work force you are gripped in a glove tighter than the mighty skool that will be your job.  Anyways I'm starting to wander away again, what I'm saying is unless you do some serious drugs or suffer some serious brain damage you will remeber high skool for the rest of your life and it will matter to you so there.  And if you still don't agree then look at it this way how could something so truamatic not leave a permanate mark on your phsyche. 

The Sims, American Beutey, Sinefeld all of these things are wildly popluar, and all of them share a common thread, they are simple.  They are either about everyday life, getting back to simplicity and the happyness that goes with it, or about nothing at all.  All three of these products are desinged to entertain and all three are about simplicty.  They all came out at diffrent times and they are all pretty much unrealated but they all share the common theme of smplicty.  This means that there is a growing trend twords simplicity.  This is actually rather frightening when you think about it, the average life is very stressful, there is a need to keep in constant contact with everybody via e-mail, cell phones, pagers, the tv, the interent, we are constantly bombarded by the need to be in touch and informed at all times.  Even I as we speak have a functioning phone in the house and Aol instant messenger open.   Of course I have an away message up that says updateing my web page leave me alone, but if it is truely important I'm gonna end up talking to that person hell if anyone im's me they will most likely get spoken to.  It affects just about all of us the constant press of information is getting to the point were it's going to be to much for people.   It's starts with it seeping into our entertainment and soon people will begin parctising it and eventually there will be a revolution of sorts, much like the hippies.   Of course that the middle of the road case senario...if you take note fight club was also about getting back to simplicty.

I have a million things to do, and all of them without exception are more important than this webpage.  Unfortunatly I don't feel like doing any of them, but I do feel like writting so here I am again, sitting in front of my computer...as Dana put it so eloquently this morning I am ranting again.  It's wierd how time changes a person, over the years I look back and all I see is the trail I have left behind, it is full of broken things that I have inevertanly destroyed on my way to the horizon.   Admist the broken things there is some evidence of the good things that I have done but mostly it's just stuff that I screwed up.  So I look ahead to where the bright orange sun sits on the horizon, hopeing I get to where I can rest before it sinks leaveing me in the dark.  I feel tremendously guilty about so many of the things that I have said and done do and think that I have this bizzare need to make it up to the rest of the world even if  the person I am helping out had nothing to do with it.  As I stop to help the people I add to the pile of broken things I leave about and reduce it.   Two steps fowards and one step back if you will.  Now don't get me wrong it's not like I go around deliberatly destroying people or ruining things I come acrost.   Just about all the bad things I've done were by acident, an unfortunate side effect of being me, or they weren't even bad at all.  There are somethings that I do and say that I shouldn't conciter wrong at all or even compleatly normal, but I don't.    Many of my fundamental emotions are looked apon by myself as base or low.   No that's not right that makes it look like I'm above what drives me, no it's like a feeling that I don't deserve them.  No that isn't it either, it's that I'm afraid that if something wonderful comes along I'm afraid I'll break it.  That's it when you get right down to it, I'm afraid to take what's given to me, and I'm even more afraid to ask for something.  Asking for anything could have the most dire consiquences I don't even like to conciter them...I don't feel like talking about this any more

that means god from a matchine, that is a truley amazeing saying when you get right down to it.  To take something that is man made and churn a god out of it is...is such a cool and scary thought.  The very idea that we can take something and create something that is so powerful that it is beyond our comprehension, the very idea that we can create god is an idea that is much cooler than us becomeing gods.   After all we are what we create...at least us creative types are. 

Well That's Ironic...