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| July 17, 2002 Matthew's (true) fables: A Redneck Story... | |
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Okay, I know I told you yesterday that I would have two stories, one about work, and another about a redneck adventure, but I decided I would have more things to write about if I saved one for tomorrow, so today, as you may have already guessed I bring you Matthew's (true) fables ahem: A Redneck Story Like No Other. It all started one Saturday a few months ago when my friend Scott wanted me to go to "the boats" with him and gamble a little in Shreveport, which is about 1 1/2 hours south of Magnolia in Louisiana and I hadn't been since I had turned 21 so I said Ok...Little did I know an adventure awaited. Well we got about 35 min. out of town and we hear a noise like we had ran over something, and I thought it sounded like a belt from the car of some sort. Scott thought it was the engine or something and we decided to keep going, thinking maybe it was in our imaginations or something. We proceeded. A minute later the little engine (that could) light came on and we kind of laughed it off and kept driving...Well we pulled into a small town liquor store when ALL of the lights came on, and I'm all "Gee wiz, Scott, The last time all of my lights came on, my alternator went out" (follow with a few nervous laughs) so we |
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Turn your partner inside out! |
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| decided that maybe it would be best if we just got something to eat at the Mexican cantina (OWNED BY THE MOB, of course) across the street and went back home just in case something was going on with the car. Well we then headed home and around Serepta, Louisiana the lights started to dim, and I thought, It can't be the alternator, I heard a belt sound...I know it...It couldn't have been. That was my horrible remembering skills at work...EVERYONE knows there is an alternator belt, I even did, but for some reason it was like one of those words you see everyday, and one day you look at it and think this can't be right...it doesn't even look like a real word. So the car started slowing down and we were just barely cruising in the complete dark, somewhere I figured around Serepta Louisiana we hoped...My friend Tasha that helped me decide to go to Disney lived in Serepta... Maybe I could find her! So the car finally died and we got out, in the now pouring rain and started walking with my small child's Scooby Doo umbrella and a flashlight. I asked Scott who would pick two guys like us up in the complete dark waving a flashlight...and if someone did stop, I knew we probably didn't want to go with them... (Got a bag of candy!)...So a small grey truck stops and a short fat blonde redneck woman leans out and yells "Ya'll havin' car truble? Yen's need a ride?" and Scott yells "My car broke down!" Well she couldn't hear us yelling so she thought we couldn't hear her so they yelled this back and forth until we walked the quarter mile to the truck...that horrible screeching sound! but I knew she couldn't help it, bless her redneck heart. Well we got in the truck and she starts driving...she says "I'm out huntin my boyfriend....He caught me sleepin' with his best friend and he done run off with mah sister." And you know what I was thinking when me and Scott glanced in each others eyes! not that pervert....I thought...Oh, no! Jerry Springer rejects! I had no idea at the time how right I was. She told us the whole story....her and her boyfriend's friend got drunk and they for some reason had to stay at her house but they didn't "Sleep" together, they just kind of passed out together...well angry drunk redneck boyfriend came over and saw the vehicles and tried to kick the door down, but left after he couldn't. We later found out that her angry drunk redneck boyfriends friend is also her ex-boyfriend and was carrying his baby (5 mos. pregnant). Me and Scott just want to jump out of the moving vehicle...We find out about her daddy always nagging her and how she is 33 with an 18...I repeat 18! year old son. She is so proud of her little black belt in taekwondo! We also found out about her would be 16 year old son that died in a car crash because of a drug deal gone wrong 3 years before...she said "tha last thang my son said was "Oh My GAWD!" I know what your thinking...that's really sad, but you had to hear her say it...I can do an impression, and you will laugh so freakin' hard I promise. If your thinking at this point that it's an OK story, but it should be longer...It's much longer...here's part two of our tale... Okay driving around with redneck Sally or whatever her name was around Serepta was great and all, but here's where it gets nuts...She says, "before I take you guys to a gas station or whatever, is it ok if I make a little stop first?" well me and Scott just kind of shrugged our shoulders and said ..."Ok..." Well we pull up to a little trailer covered in trees and bushes and out comes angry drunk redneck boyfriend to the door...they start talking and we see the fire in his eyes and in his mullet, not to mention the guns and roses T-shirt straight from the 80's, do not pass go, and Scott grabs my leg and squeezes and says "we're gonna die, we're gonna die...etc" over and over. They fight for about the longest 5-10 min. of my life and I dont think I've heard the word f___k so much in so many sentences since Pulp Fiction. She starts backing up to the truck and Scott and me are pretty much chanting "don't come to the truck, don't come to the truck" cause we both know he thinks she slept with his best friend, father of her baby, and she's got two guys in her truck! Well sometime between there and the truck his shirt had come off and he's like "Who in the F___k are you" and she's like "Oh, theyr car broke down and i'm just-a givin' dems a ride home..." He said "Where you boys from?" and Scott says "Magnolia, sir" (I'm thinking sir? great we're both dead now) He says "I'm not takin you ta f__k_g Magnoooolia!" and she's all "I didnt say yous had ta take em to Magnoolia." He says "What are yer names?" and Scott (bless his heart) says "Scott Franklin and Matthew Johnson sir" in the nerdiest voice ever (OH GREAT!) Then they started screamin about "Whyd you doit ta me?" said he..."I loved ya, when I said I loooved ya, I meant I loved ya...I dont know whatchu meant!" And she says "I do love you, you (insert appropriate curse here)." and after about 10 more minutes of that they totally made up and were smoochin and she says she'll just take us down the street and be right back (to him)...and she shuts the door and says "That f____g bastard, don't pay attention to him!" that's when I get the feeling we're not going to a gas station...she's taking us all the way home...so I take the initiative and say "you dont have to take us all the way back to Magnolia, You've done enough already" and she says, well I like you boys and I need a good drive so I'm gonna go ahead and take yous all the way. so we heard so many more stories, most of which she had already told, about her disfunct family. I mean, these people need a reality show! "The Rednecks" would be appropriate...so we get into Magnolia and she's talking about how shed never been to Magnolia and how pretty it was (yeah, it's about a hundred times bigger than Serepta and that's saying VERY little. Scott has her drop us off at West Coast Video and we get a friend to take us to Scott's house where we sat there and drank a little bit to get our minds off things (not that we drink a lot or anything...but we were trying to decide if that had been some kind of mutual dream or something! Okay, I hope you've enjoyed today's flashback journal entry...we have another tomorrow so come back for that! You honestly dont want to miss it... Evil Twin |
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A yokel firing his gun! How Exciting!
