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This is the Quotable Quotes section at Mattshouse.com, continuing a practice put into play by a certain teacher of mine in junior high. Here, we'll have quotes for any moment, considering all you have are stupid moments. It's very possible that trademarks will be infringed, so in that case, please don't sue me. Credit will be given when available. If you've got a cool quote, send it to me, at MattBowes@dafirm.com. On to the quotes!
Citizen Matt's QuotesHere's some I found all by myself
- "All men are jerks, all women are psychotic."
- "You've...got a nice army base here colonel. We wouldn't want any thing to happen to it."
- "We don't know how to make an invisible robot." "Do you know how to make an empty box?"
- "I can no longer hold this inside. YOU CALL THAT BREATHING??! GET THE OTHER NOSTRIL INVOLVED! I wonder if he'll realize that i just enjoy yelling."
- "Laws are like sausages; you don't want to see them being made."
- "You never know what hits you. A gunshot is the perfect way."
- "He's so dumb he can't fart and chew gum at the same time."
- "Maybe this world is another world's hell."
- "If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stomping on a human face - forever."
- "Joyous distrust is a sign of health. Everything absolute belongs to pathology."
- "When you sneeze, all the numbers in your head go up by one."
- "We shall never understand each other until we reduce the language to seven words."
- "Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music."
- "If you can't dance, you fuck a lot of waitresses."
- "Canadians weren't proud in themselves until beer told them to be."
- "While there is a lower class, I am in it.
Spooky's PicksNumber 4's own Spooky Squared with some quotes
-"Choke on that, Causality!"
-"What is it about psychopaths that draws them to collage art?"
-"Why does the weather always get like this (dark and stormy) whenever someone screws with the boundaries of nature?"
-"Never wear anything that panics the cat."
-"I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I COULD MURDER A CURRY."
-"I predict that a large city in Colorado will be the victim of a strange and terrible pressure from outer space, which will cause all solids to turn into a jelly-like mass."
-"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."
-"If stupidity got us into this mess, why can't it get us out?"
-"There's a standard formula for success in the entertainment industry- beat it to death if it succeeds."
-"Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock."
-"Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system."
-"I don't know where my creativity comes from, and I don't want to know."
-"There's no sin...except stupidity."
-"If you've enjoyed this program just half as much as we've enjoyed doing it, then we've enjoyed it twice as much as you."
-"I think TV's killed real entertainment. In the old days we had to make our own fun. At Christmas parties I used to strike myself on the head repeatedly with blunt instruments while crooning."
Jigoku-Sama's Obligatory Quotes SectionThe squeaky wheel gets the grease.
-"If you do not study when you are young, when you are old you will feel sad
because you have lost time."
-"There is only one good that is knowledge; one evil that is ignorance."
-"All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."
-"You can compensate for stupidity with hard work."
-"In time of difficulties, we must not lose site of our achievements."
-"The journey of a thousand leagues begins with a single step."
-"He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still."
-"Absorb what is useful, reject what is useless."
-"Water can flow or it can crash, be water my friend."
Swanks SectionHere's some from a guy known only as Swanky. Unfortunately, he doesn't know who said many of them. I have a sneaking suspicion that they are from George Carlin, but oh well.
-"The only thing worse than hearing the alarm clock in the morning is not hearing it."
-"Bad luck is bending over to pick up a four leaf clover and being infected by poison ivy."
-"If money doesn’t grow on trees how come banks continue to sprout branches?"
-" It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire."
-"Dear God. We paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing."
-"I put out these milk and cookies as a sacrifice. If Thou wishest me to eat them, please give me a sign by doing absolutely nothing. MMMMmmmm..."
-"God has no place within [school] walls just as facts have no place within organized religion."
-"God is real, unless declared integer."
-"Power corrupts; Absolute power corrupts absolutely; God is all-powerful. Draw your own conclusions."
-"Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish."
-"A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
-"If love of money is the root of all evil, why do churches want it so badly?"
-"On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out."
-"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
-"Always borrow money from a pessimist: he doesn't expect to be paid back."
-"Join the Army, see the world, meet interesting people - and kill them."
-"In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don’t need it."
-"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."
-"Indecision is my only flaw, I think..."
-"Always remember you're unique, just like everybody else."
-"A parrot is an animal with the ability to imitate man but not enough intelligence to refrain from doing so."
-"A man who is old enough to know better is always on the look out for a girl who doesn't."
-"It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."
-"There are 3 types of people in life: those that can count and those that can't."
-"Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes."
-"An accountant is a man hired to explain that you didn't make the money you did."
-"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun."
-"There are two different kinds of people in this world: those who finish what they start, and"
-"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
-"You have to sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things."
-"Reality is a hallucination brought on by lack of alcohol."
-"Love makes the world go round? Not at all. Whiskey makes it go round twice as fast."
-"Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love."
-"I think my parents weren’t that bad, at least they put money aside for my therapy."
-"I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?"
-"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet."
-"Sometimes you have to do that with adults--just say what they need you to say--so they'll get out of your face."
-"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."
-"Not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen or oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."
-"Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them."
-"He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke."
-"A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water."
-"Everyone has the ability of making someone happy, some by entering the room, others by leaving it."
-"If you think something small can't make a difference, try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room."
-"Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does congress mean?"
-"Who needs sleep when you have late night infomercials?"
-"If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?"
-"I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."
-"The person who says 'I won't say another word' always does."
-"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There's no use in being a damn fool about it."
-"You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams."
-"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
-"Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig."
-"Put all your eggs in one basket, and watch that basket."
-"So you're a god, eh? Very nice, very nice. But, you still don't have a reservation..."
-"Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do."
-"Teenager with nose ring, baggy clothing and spiked hair to friend: I don't really like dressing like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere they go."
-"A word to the wise isn't necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice."
-"The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for exercise."
-"Our whipped butter is made with margarine."
-"We are Handicapped - Friendly. For example, if you are blind, we will read the menu for you."
-"Carpe Diem. Be the Carp, man." |
