Totally kewl random quote:
My mum says I'd look good with a goatie. Hey! Then me and Ryan could be sisters!

I have warts.

They're on my foot, mind you, and have been for about a year. Being a little self-conscious, I have only just spoken up about them for the first time. It all started a little over a year ago as a spot on my second-littlest toe on my right foot. It didn't bother me, so I just ignored it. The stupid thing to do. See, I was naively thinking that maybe, just maybe, it'd all go away. We all know they don't, and since I'd had run-ins with warts before I knew this for certain. Yet I did nothing. Nowadays if I walk too much or stand for too long, if my foot gets sweaty or wet or sand clings to it it hurts like a bitch. Let this be a warning to all of you with warts that need removal - one little bastard can spread like crazy. My one tiny spot of a year ago has become twenty-five:

Yep, that's my foot. You can see some of the bigger ones in this scan, but there are a couple off-screen, for example the one on the bottom of my heel which is eating a nice little hole in my foot. See the second-smallest toe? That's where it all started, and that's where the wart now covers about a square centimetre of flesh.

Do you agree that it's time I did something?

So today I'm going to the doctor to have them removed. Much as I've become very attached (ha ha ha) to the little rascals, it's about time they were FROZEN! Freezing isn't really all that bad. I said before that I've had some warty escapades. Four years ago a little fellow appearded on the back of my hand between my thumb and forefinger. Now, he stayed little for a while, but then he grew bigger and bigger until he was pepper-corn sized. The top of it was flaky and dead skin/wart/whatever celly bits were brushing off and it was generally pretty damn disgusting. We went to the doctor who got out the nice freezy gun and blasted my wart with it good and proper. Rinse and repeat a week later, and the wart was pretty much gone, only I had a blister the size of a five cent piece in place of it. This eventually popped, spurting pus and crap everywhere and I was left with a neat round scar. To avoid embarrassment and to see how gullible certain people were, I said that it was where a sixth finger had been removed. Idiots tended to buy it, so it was all good. Now I'm going back to get myself wart-ridded once and until next time!

Since my site hasn't been getting much traffic lately I thought that having a diary of my wart removal would be a good thing for publicity. So I guess I should talk about how I feel and stuff, but I'm pretty uncaring about the whole thing aside from the fact that I probably won't be able to dive or walk for a while, which I'm pretty pissed about. I thought I had seen the last of crutches during the cankle episode. Crap! And Leyna has her party on Friday! Guess I should have thought ahead. Still, I shall persevere and keep scanning, writing and being in pain to entertain all you sadistic bastards out there. Things should start to get interesting very soon. I'm talking blisters, blisters, no sex, scans of blisters, moping and whining which all in all spells FUN! So come back later and see wart removal at its awesome-est!

Thursday, 16^th September 2004

Yesterday's freezing wasn't all that bad. The doctor filled me in with some interesting things about warts. For example, did you know that you can develop an immunity to them? This can take something stupid like three years, and by that time I would probably have them swarming all over my foot and taking over the rest of my body. The doc provided me with a few treatment options, one of which was leaving them there until I developed an immunity after another two years and they all fell off, another was getting some cream that would end up costing me more than $300 and the third was freezing. I picked freezing.

My mum was actually there holding my legs down as I whimpered in pain and tried to imagine how my poor, unsuspecting skin cells were being frozen, their cytoplasms crystallising and piercing their poor little membranes...

Actually, it hurt so bloody much I wasn't really thinking about anything.

I then got him to take care of the pinprick of a wart on my hand. He was using a beaker of liquid nitrogen and a cotton bud stick thing to dab it on with. It was pretty cool. The skin turned a really pale yellow and caved in, as if there was a crater of snow on my hand. Dude. I put my sorry foot back in its shoe and hobbled out to be confronted with the fact that we had been charged $40 for this pain and anguish. Damn warts.

The night wasn't as bad as I had expected. I'm now permanently wearing a sock on the Foot of Evil which I hung out over the side of the bed to cool me down and to avoid brushing against the bed which equals ouchies. The weirdest thing was that there were no weird dreams or anything. Boring. On the other hand, today was not so boring because I had to go to school. I walked, since Caitlin wasn't driving (but she'll pay dearly for that when she realises that I've warted the inside of her car!). I thought that walking would be painful because of the blisters that slowly erupted through my skin, but actually it's because I'm walking on the side of my foot and straining the muscles on the outside of my leg. Also, the one stamped out on my hand has started to fill with pus/plasma/gross stuff. It is now pretty big and stands out significantly, so I have to be careful when I put clothes on (because I'm not really going to be taking them off because Daniel's gone off with some other chick) and sleep so I don't pop it.

People at school were generally understanding. Not. In fact, I was stranded after the first double period ended. Alone, alone, all all alone...alone on a wide wide sea. Coleridge rocks. It made me feel like a leper, so I went and hung out with all the other lepers in the leper colony near the tennis court. My attempts at turning my affair into an unintentional publicity stunt were piss poor, actually. As soon as one person discovered that it was warts that were making me limp, the whole class knew. Damn, but at least I can refer people to it to check out the scans, of which there are none today because I am lazy and I want to wait til there's a bigger difference from the first scan.

Fine, I didn't smear warts all over Caitlin's car.

Friday, 17^th September 2004

Today was sweet and sour. Sweet because I got lifts to AND from school. Relatives with cars rock. So does Caitlin. Speaking of, there was this big car accident which injured/killed (I don't know) some year twelve kids and OMGWTF IT WAS THE SAME CAR AS CAITLIN'S! Cream Cheesus!

Probably to most eventful happening so far came about today. In chemology Ryan was sitting in front of me and he turned around, slinging his arm across my desk. I took his hand and went to arm wrestle but things started to go wrong...

Yes, Ryan popped my gigantic blister full of pus. We ran around for a while screaming like girls (or at least he did, I'm too much of a man for that) before things calmed down and we went back to batteries and hot gossip.

Leyna's 18th was on this evening and this posed a little bit of a problem for me and my foot. I was planning on wearing my formal dress, but that would put me out of my comfort zone. Since the warts were already putting me out there, I decided to go casual. I had no shoes to wear confortably that were black or white, so I wore my dive booties. Neoprene, however hot, is very comfortable.

The rest of the night went fairly calmly foot-wise and me-wise because there was nobody to crack on to. Holly's boyfriend managed to get me to stand fully on my bad foot which almost made me cry, but like I said, I'm too manly for that.

When I arrived home I discovered that my driver's licence that was in my back pocket had fallen out somewhere along the line, so I have to go get a new one. Cwap on a stick.

Saturday, 18^th September 2004

Since I don't get them and I didn't drink enough to even consider getting one anyway, I don't have a hangover. What I do have is scans! Check out my foot - it's something truly beautiful.

Look at that bruising! Look at that blistering! The swelling! If it wasn't the fact that I can't walk properly I would've creamed my trackie dacks by now. On the right (see, I've got my rights and lefts under control) is a closeup of my big toe. Blistering to the max. There's a third one of those that's even more gory which you can see on the pic above, but it didn't look as artistic as these two do. The bumps are hard-soft, sort of like those rubbery squishy mobile phone buttons, though if you push these they may or may not rupture but you will definitely get a smack in the face. They're also very ticklish. I'm not that ticklish usually, so you can try to get a giggle out of me this way as long as you're willing to risk getting some of these fun little fellows growing out of your flesh. I bet you're all starting to worry now. Thinking about the last time I made contact with you, wondering if it's going to spread, spread, SPREAD! Mwahahahaha! To make you feel better, I walk around my house barefoot all the time and neither my mum or my sisters have any warts. That may be because they're immune or just haven't spoken up, of course, so you're not completely safe. Just thought I'd try to be helpful.

I'd try to get everyone out on a dive tomorrow if my toes didn't ache like crap, but bugger that, I'm going to sleep in. I don't want to give the PJ's any warts either, I don't think I'd be able to live with myself if I did. I wonder what that'd look like, a PJ with a wart. Their skin is pretty rough, so would it rupture? Would the wart kill it? Why am I even wondering about this, the virus probably couldn't survive in that sort of environment. I should just turn into a PJ then... My God, I'm starting to sound delirious! They've spread to my brain! Warts on the brain, eh? That's an interesting concept. Well, I have chemology tutuoring to go to. I think I'll just say that I cut my foot or something, otherwise he'll probably make me sit in the garden and yell at me through the window about equilibriums. So before I go, have a close up of Ground Zero!

Ewwwies. Oh, I found my driver's licence! It was in the toilet. As in next to the toilet, not actually in it. In the bathroom next to the toilet. Actually, it makes it funnier if I say it was in the toilet, so I found it in the toilet! Omg Roflmao!

Sunday, 19^th September 2004

Nothing much to report today. I didn't go anywhere. I didn't do anything (or anyone). I started played Final Fantasy 4 and did so until about 3am. What I did do wartwise was to do some more exciting closeup scans! This first one is utterly vomituous.

That is a closeup shot of Ground Zero. Look at that wonderful dry skin! I spoke to my uncle the other day. He's a doctor, so he's all smart-like and knows everything about warts ever. Interestingly the freezing process isn't so much to remove the warts but rather to stimulate the immune system to get its lazy arse into gear and develop that immunity faster. I was doing some research too on the net and on every page found that using an anesthetic was recommended before freezing. Omg I was so ripped off. So... I have stuff to do like sleeping and eating. I know! You guys have just been GROUND ZERO'D! AGAIN!

Monday - Tuesday, 19/20^th September 2004

Hmm, Well. Things are starting to settle down and I'm now able to walk properly which is a bonus. Nothing much wart-related today. I think this is the point where the diary starts getting repetitive and I end up saying "Well...uh...so, I got these warts...". To fix this problem, I'm only going to update when there's some really hot goss or my foot turns black and falls off. The one on the center of my foot's looking a bit like that now. It's got all this black bruising actually inside my foot and the wart itself is looking pretty sad and sorry. I'll keep you all posted.

Wednesday, 22^th September 2004

Looks like I spoke too soon. Things have taken a gross turn. The bruisey bits under the skin have turned black and have stopped being sore. One thing's for sure, and that's that something is dead in there. I can now walk and run properly, but I don't most of the time because that means putting pressure on and therefore feeling that my second littlest toe is about twice as big as it should be. The biggest blister on my toe is also making its presence felt, as well as starting to look scarily leprous:

The whole foot, which is coming up, is starting to go very flaky. Bits of dead skin are coming off readily and at will. IN CHUNKS. There are two pictures below. The first is a scan of my sock, with the browny bits being chunks of dead skin (or wart) that have fallen off my foot. The second is a nice juicy closeup of Ground Zero, showing some serious flakage going on.

Gross. Just another two pictures to send you all off. I know, I went spastic with the scanner. Just think though, these things will be all gone soon. This will be the only remaining photographic evidence of this most unfortunate event. I admit to putting the folder with all these pictures on slideshow to sit back and admire them. It's sad. But, hey, I'm sad too. And these warts are gross. Remember, you may cringe and feel sick when you see these, but think about me - these things are attached to my foot and follow me everywhere. Presenting Ground Zero and the entire foot in its flaky glory!

Wednesday, 29^th September 2004

Holy warts! Last Saturday they all turned purple and went sort of squishy, like a half-drained blister. Except full of purple-black blood. They managed to survive Thursday night's party better than I did and fortunately I wasn't drunk enough to show them off to everyone and scare off any potential suitors. Like me, however, they are currently hard and horny this rainy Wednesday evening. Did I just say that? Anywomb, I've decided to bandage Ground Zero up along with that beauty spot below the second biggest toe. I think toes should also be given titles. What's so special about fingers? You got your index fingers, ring fingers, middle fingers, pinkies... I think from now on I will just refer to toes as such.

This is quite a treasure. Imagine this: You're in a spaceship on the first mission to Mars. As you enter the atmosphere the ship starts to rattle and shake so you buckle yourself into your seat and hang tight until things start to ease up a bit. You open your eyes and become the first person to ever lay eyes on the red planet. A blood-red crater looms out of the darkness and you suddenly realise that it looks exactly like the wart defining the Beauty Spot.

All these black spots are actually dead. I can poke them and not feel anything plus they're hard as rocks. My socks are often full of white flaky bits, as if my foot has dandruff. This is gross, I'm going to go and re-dress my oyster cuts on my left foot. See, now I'm totally out of action! If they start getting all gross and infected, I'll make sure I scan them too! Last but not least, have another lunar landscape, this time of Ground Zero.

UPDATE: I was checking through this for spelling and everything and I just realised - my big toe looks like a face! See?

Classic! I'm going to give away prizes to whoever can do something funny with this on Paint or even Photoshop if you're feeling up to it. Just save or copy the image and knock yourself out! When you're done altering Toeface, send it to me. Happy defacing!

Thursday, 30^th September 2004

Not much change today except for one major thing. This may shock and amaze and happened sometime while I was being molested by the tick. It was a good thing I scanned in Toeface when I did because, *sniff*, he...he...

HIS EYE! It's GONE! OMGWTFBBQ! Poor guy, he'd only existed for a little while. It won't be long before the other one will go and he'll be rendered blind! And a little after that he'll be just a regular joe-average toe...

Friday, 8th October 2004

Last night was...mentally damaging. Being the holidays, clothes don't get changed as often. Especially socks, and especially socks that need to cover warts at all times to prevent spread. This is why it came as such a surprise when I went to photograph my foot with my new digital camera that my warts had changed. A hollow had opened up underneath Ground Zero, and it was if some small animal had buried their way under the wart itself. Underneath the wart I could see fresh, baby pink skin underneath, and I knew that it was time. Using my bare hands I tore the blackened chunk out of my foot! And underneath there was skin! SKIN! Oh, the joy! The rapture! I actually had SKIN growing under that vile festering flaky sore! So soft and smooth - so untouched!

It's gone. The biggest wart of all is gone. After 23 days of waiting, it's happened. But that's not the end of the story, because there are a lot more warts there. I believe Toeface's eyes (both deflated now) have been rendered wart-less, which leaves one more major area - the Beauty Spot. I gave her a poke with my trusty pocket knife and she seemed pretty dead and devoid of nerve endings, so I had a stab. Feeling nothing, I began to chisel her out in chunks. she wasn't very deep, but she ended up leaving a pocket of thick dead skin, which you can see as the dark purple part surrounding her. Again I was rewarded with new skin underneath, but this time I got a little more adventurous. Taking out the long thin pen from my swisscard, I poked it through the hole. With much grunting and groaning (because the skin was thick and tough, not because it hurt) I pierced the skin above, thereby making two holes:

Grinning with success, I took the next thing I could find that would fit through the hole - a padlock. Then a Lego battle axe, a lighted match (which burnt the side of my big toe) and finally that Rankin Badge, before I realised how depraved I was being.

Revolting, revolting. But it gets worse. See, in my newfound confidence I attacked one of Toeface's eyes. It didn't have a clear deflato-hole, so I gave it a small one with the pocketknife, with a view of possibly removing the dead skin bubble. I nicked it, whereupon pus started to ooze out. Just like popping a pimple, I thought. So I put a finger on either side of the hole and started pressing to get it all out. That's when it stopped oozing. In a flash it erupted! It splattered down my hands and arms! Pus went everywhere! But worst of all was that it hit my eye and lips. From a foot away my toe squirted me in the face with pus. I made a mad dash to the bathroom to wash it off, but afterwards I could still feel it trickling down my cheek, like a diseased tear...

Saturday, 9th October 2004

Not much news. I think I stressed the skin around the Beauty Spot (little wonder how) and it hurts a little - nothing I can't handle though. I'm figuring out my camera and discovered that if you hold it AWAY from things it focusses! Best lesson ever! The worst was finding out that it eats batteries like you wouldn't believe. Five minutes after I put those Energiser e2 ones in it showed them as 40% full! No WAY. They cost me $5 too! It's time for rechargables, methinks. I'm going to have to splash out on an $80 battery recharger/file transfer stand for the camera which comes with rechargable batteries, an AC adapter and some other stuff like superfluous cables.

Anywho, we're not here to talk about my camera. I'm a little worried because there might be something under Toeface's eyes. Like more warts. Only time will tell, however. Also, the skin covering one of the eye blisters is gone! I couldn't find it on my sock or anything! Strange things are afoot, it seems...

Well, we had a blackout the other night (for the second night in a row) and with nothing left to do, I put my vial of warts in my mouth and took a photo. Note that this was done in complete darkness, so I didn't realise I was wearing my cow dressing gown until I uploaded it. Cheers!

Apparently wearing glasses in pitch darkness will improve my night vision.

Tuesday, 9th November 2004

Exactly a month since the last update. And boy how things have changed. Remember what my uncle said about the freezing acting to stimulate the immune response into developing an immunity to the wart virus? By gad, he was right! For a time the areas around the warts were flaky and peeling, which was pretty gross. Now, I'm often inclined to eat any peeling skin but, uh, this was the exception. The last thing I wanted was warts on my tongue. How would I explain that? Now initially the doctor who froze them said that I could come back and have further treatment in three to four weeks. As we know I sorta let that time slip away and didn't do anything about it. Well, it seems I saved $90 by doing so. I wanted to wait until the flaky skin had all gone away before re-inspecting the warty areas to see whether I would actually need more treatment. A few days ago I woke up and inspected my foot. I was surprised because there was virtually no signs of warts! Well, apart from the deep-seated one on the sole of my heel, but even that one was looking a little off-colour. I then looked at my other foot on which dwelled a fairly prominent wart (excluded from the diaries because it didn't have any treatment). It was gone. As in now you see it, now you don't. I was healing! And more, my body was fighting! And so now I proudly stand before you, almost entirely ridden of any traces of wartiness. I present to you my foot, the last image in this diary, and thank you for bearing with me through this troubling and harrowing period in my life. The HSC is over and I am wart-free. Life is looking up!

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