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"Being alive is a crock of shit!" -Kilgore Trout
Me: i hath returned
Her: i have to dress up tomorrow and its stressing me out
Me: why do you have to dress up?
Her: team spirit
Me: sucker
Me: so dress up how?
Her: i have to...i wont get to play if i dont...dress up nice..i dont do the
whole dress thing
Me: oh, i get it
Her: sucks
Me: yea
Her: whatever i just wont do it
Me: is playing that important to you?
Her: id like to play...take out my anger on brookline girls..
Me: well, then weigh means and ends...is dressing up worth it?
Her: depends
Her: on what i end up wearing
Me: oh
Me: what are the choices?
Her: i dont even really think about what i do anymore..i just get up in the
morning..do it..and go to bed. so when i actually am given the chance to stop
and ask myself if playing is all that important..i cant tell.
Her: umm...blue dress....black skirt with this white mesh kinda top..and black
pants with a black shirt and a white shirt under that
Me: go with the black skirt/white top
Me: how short is the skirt?
Her: a few inches above my knee..its kinda summery thats why i dont know
Her: im trying to figure out why i even care
Me: because you enjoy hockey?
Her: i guess
Her: nope. im doing the blue dress
Me: whatever works
Her: nothing works
Me: well, then, whatever hurts the least?
Her: kill me
Me: you first
Her: you'd get out easy and id still be looking for someone to shoot me
Me: true
Me: but technically, due to seniority, i get to die first anyways
Her: fine
Her: whatever...i bet i could find plenty people to kill me
Me: why's that?
Her: people hate me..
Her: or some people
Me: oh
Me: fuck them, they don't know good people when they see them
Her: people need friends though..i mean right?
Me: yea, friends are nice
Her: i wouldnt know
Me: give it time
Her: im not patient. i really dont feel like im happy enough to make it another
day..and that scares me
Me: every day feels like that at times, when i look back, it's like "damn,
each day was so painful, why did i go on?" and it's like "oh yea,cause
there's no other choice"
Me: the whole llife dragging me by the hair thing
Her: so i just keep letting it drag me along and hope things will change?
Me: um, at every opertunity, try to get back on your feet, but yea, except
don't hope for change, work for it
Her: k..
Her: well im gonna go to bed and try and forget i exist
Me: good night, and good luck
Her: trying to forget..or just in general?
Me: both
Her: well it shouldnt be that hard i havent had a very worthy existence
Her: goodnight
Me: goodnight
Her signed off at 10:23:11 PM.
Her signed on at 10:24:05 PM.
Me: back so soon?
Her: no just trying to prove something myself
Me: what?
Her: no matter how many times i sign off and on..the same stupid people are
stil going to talk to me
Me: oh
Me: go to bed, they can't bother you there
Her: but whats the point...i got to bed..then i remember..hey, i cant sleep
Me: i'm sorry
Her: no dont be
Me: if it's any consollation, we suffer together
Me: i'm trying to smile, but can't, and that hasn't happened in a long time
Her: today was a bad day
Me: today was okay
Me: tomorrow is looking scary, and large, and looms on the horizon
Her: its hard to smile when you have nothing to smile about
Me: i have things to smile about, like being alive, but the other things are
overwhelming at the moment
Her: being alive?
Me: it's more than many can say, and it gives me a chance to feel the impact
of the gods, and change things for myself and others
Me: for example, if i were dead, which almost happened, i wouldn't be able to
talk to you
Me: and neither of us want's that, right?
Her: no
Me: being alive
Me: it's overrated, but still nice
Her: but its hard to think about other people when you feel like your life
sucks so much...i mean..you seem selfless to me
Me: well, i consider myself sort of a lost cause, so if i can make things better
for only one person, i will have done good in this world, and can face the gods
with a smile on on judgement day
Me: and i will say to them, "why the fuck did you do that to me? what the
fuck was with that?
Me: but for now life is too much, and i'm going to bed, where these things can't
hurt me, for a few hours