Setting: A crowded, messy room. Many men, most of them drunk, are sitting about at tables, discussing the document that one of them, Thomas Jefferson, is making out. Others include John Hancock, Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, Roger Sherman, and Samuel Chase. Scene begins with Jefferson addressing the room. Jefferson: Alright, gentlemen, could you please settle down? I want to read you what I’ve got so far. [pause] Men? Come on please, be quiet! [pause; background noise fades] Thank you. Now, we’re all here to create, review and sign the declaration that will hopefully give us our independence. Sherman: [inebriated] And to get stinking drunk! Jefferson: [sighs] Yes, yes, and to get stinking drunk. Everyone: [lifting mugs in cheer] Hurray! Jefferson: Okay, quiet down, please. Here’s the opening sentence, tell me what you think of it: In Congress, July 4 1776: the unanimous declaration of the 13 United States of Amer- Adams: [interrupting] What?! Wait a minute! 13 states? Jefferson: Why, yes, John. Is there something wrong? Adams: I had no idea that I would be signing into existence a country with 13 states! I shall have nothing to do with it! Jefferson: But why? Adams: Because it’s a cursed number, that’s why! We’ll be doomed to a future of bad luck and plagues and all of our long stroking-beards will fall out so that we will be unable to stroke them! Jefferson: And what would you suggest instead? Adams: Well, I think it’s fairly obvious that we have to get rid of one state. I vote for Maryland; it’s not like there’s ever going to be anything of political importance there. Chase: Absolutely not! I did not come here and pay for 1/56th of the ale tab just to go home to a dependent state! Maryland has just as much right to join as any other! Jefferson: John! Samuel! Cease this incessant arguing immediately! And you, John Hancock! Quit carving your name in the table! I have a deposit on this hall! Now, we are not going to remove any of the states from the declaration. But, just to be careful, I’ll make sure that we get about, oh, say 37 more states to join sometime in the next few years, so that those of us with long stroking-beards may continue to stroke our long and strokeable beards. Now, getting back to what I’ve written: [clears throat] the unanimous declaration of the 13 United States of America. When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dis- Franklin: [interrupting] Person. Jefferson: Pardon? Franklin: One person. You said “one people”. People is the pluralised form of person; therefore “one people” is self-contradictory. Jefferson: [snidely] Oh, and what would you know about grammar, Mr. Benjamin Franklin? You’ll find it has little to do with Daylight Savings or lightning electricity or delivering mail. Sherman: [increasingly drunk] Hear hear! Franklin: [bitterly] Very well Thomas, we’ll have it your way. After all, I would’t want to hold us up: the sooner we get this finished, the sooner I can get out of here. [indicates Sherman with disgust] Jefferson: Who knows, perhaps my wording will catch on one day. Alright, let’s continue: becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with one another.....[pause] anyone need to interrupt me here, or shall I continue? Sherman/Adams/Chase/Franklin: No. Jefferson: Good. With one another, and to assu- Hancock: [interrupting] Oh, wait. Jefferson: Arggh! Hancock: What’s all this about political bands? That’s not why we’re here, is it? Jefferson: [restrained] Why yes, John, as a matter of fact it is. Among many other things. Hancock: [confused] Would any of those other things happen to be the fact that we cannot make our own cheese? Jefferson: No, more like the fact that the King has refused his Assent to Laws and has repeatedly dissolved Representative Houses in America. What in the world are you talking about? Hancock: Well, this is the Philadelphia Cheese Committee meeting, isn’t it? Jefferson: [exploding] No! We’re making the Declaration of Independence! Haven’t you been listening to a word we’ve been saying? Hancock: Yes, every word! Well, I suppose it makes a lot more sense now. Carry on. Sherman: [pointing at Hancock and whispering loudly to Franklin] Did he say say there was going to be free cheese later? Jefferson: Arggh! Chase: Well go on, Thomas, read the rest of it. Jefferson: I have a good mind not to. Nonetheless, I shall make one last attempt to create a Declaration. Ahem.....have connected them with one another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the seperate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to seperation. [pause] That’s all I have so far. Sherman: [slurred] Well, Thompson, I must say that is the best Desecration I’ve ever heard. Jefferson: [ignoring Sherman] Have any of you got anything to add at this point? I’ve run out of ideas and we’ve only one paragraph. Hancock: Well Thomas, it seems to me that this we could get this whole business done rather quickly if you’d just remove all of the extraneous wording. Something along the lines of this: “Dear King James: We the people of the 13 states of America feel that you are a real dodo head. Kiss off. Fondest regards, the here-under signed.” Franklin: I’m good with that. Adams: As am I. Chase: For once I agree with Mr. Adams. Sherman: [waving] More ale, please. Jefferson: [breaks into tears] [A man enters, carrying more ale] Jefferson: You there, with the ale! How would you like to write a Declaration of Independence? Man: [excitedly] Would I?! Jefferson: Great. [signs the bottom of paper and hands it to Man] Have a ball; I’m going home. [leaves] Sherman: [passes out and falls onto floor. Man sits down in his place] Man: Now, let’s see here.....how about, “we hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, and that they are endowed by their creator.....” [begins writing; scene fades to black] FIN