(Opening setting: mega battle above an Endor-like planet. Various ships are flying around and shooting at each other. The scene is similar to a where’s Waldo page. The camera focuses on small parts of the scene at a time, showing various witty bits, such as a space ape being lasered in the behind, a pair of novelty dice hanging from a space ship rear-view mirror, pirates and a kooky woman with a moustache winking at a polar bear wearing polka dot boxers. Camera then focuses on our hero’s ship. Inside, at the control panel, stands Trajan.) Trajan: Where is Waldo? Waldo: Right here, sir. Trajan: What have I told you about disappearing into the crowd whenever there is work to be done, Waldo? Waldo: Sorry sir, but this stupid uniform you make me wear every single day makes me feel like an idiot. (Camera pans to show him in a striped red and white shirt, blue pants, and toque.) Trajan: I don’t hear the rest of the crew complaining. Waldo: That’s because there is no other crew, sir. I am the first mate, second mate, third mate, gunner, mess man, helmsman, and janitorial team. Trajan: I see. Well, as you are the gunner, I suggest that you man your station, as there appears to be some sort of battle going on out there. Waldo: That’s what I was doing when you called me, sir. Trajan: Very well, return to work. And don’t let me catch you slacking off again. (Waldo sighs and leaves the room. Trajan turns back to the window and gazes out) Trajan: Ah, space. The last barrier between mankind and its own destruction... I wonder why those ships are out there? (Scene switches to another ship. Two insect-like aliens are talking.) Alien 1: So, when the posies have been in their pots for about 3 weeks, I take them and..gadzooks! What the smorkank is that?! (They turn to the window and see a banana shaped ship flying at them.) Alien 2: That giant spacenanner is headed straight at us! Alien 1: Concentrate all firepower on that banana! (Cut back to Trajan’s ship.) Waldo: Sir! What are you doing?! Trajan: Relax, Waldo. I’m just going to ask those evil looking insect guys what’s going on here. Waldo: Sir, those are Baddan ships! They are earth’s mortal enemies! Trajan: Waldo, my boy, we are not on earth. (He increases the throttle.) Waldo: Sir, you don’t understand! They’ll kill us! (He grabs the helm and spins it, narrowly averting a head-on crash.) Trajan: Well, I hope you- (The ship shakes and the lights dim. A red light begins flashing, and sirens go off.) Trajan: Waldo, status report immediately! (Waldo runs to a computer screen.) Waldo: We’ve suffered massive engine failure! We’re losing control! Trajan: Well, that’s what happens when your ship is shaped like a banana. (Suddenly a man with a cape and a large and curly moustache blasts down wearing a rocket pack. He picks up a nearby bystander and jets away.) Rocket Man: Ha ha! Trajan: Who was that? (Another man runs on, wearing blue pin-striped pyjamas.) Pjman: And what did he want with my toothbrush? Waldo (shrugging extravagantly): I guess we’ll never know. Trajan: You there, boy! Waldo: Me? Trajan: Yes, of course. What does this mean? Waldo: What does what mean? Trajan: This flashing sign. Waldo: Well, what does it say? Trajan: What am I, your servant? Waldo: No, it’s just that I’m prone to seizures, and they can be triggered by flashing lights. Trajan: Listen, Waldo. If you will kindly turn your attention to exhibit A, you will see that it is I who wears the proverbial pants around this ship. As you will note, your pants are cheap and chosen for you each and every morning to match your geeky shirt. Now come over here and read this warning sign. Waldo: Warning sign? Trajan: Yes fool, the engine failure warning sign. Now come here and read it before I demote you to third mate. Waldo (sighs): Very well. It says: Warning, engine failure. Also note: this sign may trigger seizures. Trajan: So, in other words... Waldo: Captain, if this potentially lethal flashing sign is true, then we have little time to take this puppy down. I’ll determine our co-ordinates and find the closest planet. Trajan: Good idea. I will stand here and cough every so often. (pause) Now wait a minute! Waldo, as helmsman, I hold you responsible for destroying my ship! Waldo: But sir, you were flying! Trajan: Aha! So why did you leave your post? Waldo: Because you ordered me to man the gunnery, sir. Trajan: That is the lamest excuse you have ever given me, right up there with “I didn’t break that, it was you” and “I couldn’t because that sign you made me read gave me a seizure”. (The man in the PJs comes back in.) Pjman: I’ll say, good gents, has anyone seen my toothbrush? Waldo: The guy with the rockets and the cape took it, remember? Pjman: Oh yes. Very well... Waldo: Wait! What do you know about landing a ship that has just experienced severe engine failure and is certain to explode? Pjman: About as much as I know about the inner workings of the space time continuum. Which is more than you’d expect, as I am actually a professor of space-time continuology. Waldo: Really? Pjman: No. I am not really a professor of space-time continuology. I made that up. The truth is that I am a crazy old man who cannot remember that his toothbrush has recently been stolen and wears pin-striped pyjamas because he gave all of his pants to his cat. Waldo: Damn. Pjman: However, the part about me knowing about the space-time continuum is real. Waldo: Really? Pjman: Yes. Waldo: Then hurry and help me land this ship. We’re running out of time. Pjman: Time, eh? We’ll see about that. (Pjman grabs the controls and steers them into a black hole. They come out a few minutes later, slightly dizzy and confused.) Pjman: There. Now where’s Mr. Tickles? He’s got my pants. Waldo: Oh, great. Now what am I supposed t-aaaahhaaaaahhhh! (The ship crash lands on a planet.) Trajan (getting up): Well, at least we’re alive. What is your name? Pjman: I don’t know. Waldo: Why? Pjman: Because I am a crazy old man. If I can’t remember that someone stole my toothbrush, how am I supposed to remember my name? Waldo: Well, what can we call you? Pjman: How about Westminster? Trajan: Where did you get that from? Pjman: From the uniform of the guy holding a gun to your head. Trajan: Ah! Gun Guy: Alright, all of you come with me! You are in violation of Vaga territory! (They are marched out of the ship.) Gun Guy: I will now take you directly to jail to be executed. Waldo: Why? We wish to speak with your leader. Gun Guy: You can’t. Trajan: Why? Gun Guy: Because your ship landed on him. You are being executed for the planned and wilful murder of his majesty Tempas Tahoma. Waldo: But we didn’t plan it! It was an accident! Gun Guy: Oh, sure! You Baddans are all the same! Why just the other day we had a girl in here with ruby shoes giving us the same lame excuses. “There was a tornado!” “I didn’t mean for my house to land on your leader!” “Toto didn’t mean to pee in your posies!” Yeah, well, I’m no chump. I sent her off to see “the wizard”. Yeah, that will keep her busy for a few good hours. Trajan: We’re not Baddans! We’re humans! Gun Guy: Really? No fooling? Waldo: Yes! Do we look like insects?! Gun Guy: No, but you see, the only other beings in this galaxy are Baddans. They are our mortal enemies. Trajan: Really? What planet is this? Gun Guy: We call it Earth. Trajan: What? We come from Earth too! But this isn’t our earth. We must be in an alternate dimension. Gun Guy: You guys are from an alternate dimension? Wow, neato! Can I come with you? Waldo: To be executed? Gun Guy: Not any more. I want to help you get back to your dimension. This one sucks. Trajan: Okay, what’s your name? Gun Guy: Westminster. Trajan: Okay, Westminster. Can you get someone to repair our ship? Pjman: I don’t know. I’m from your dimension. Trajan: What? Pjman: You asked if I could fix the ship. Trajan: No, I asked Westminster. Pjman: Yes, me. Trajan: No, he’s Westminster. Pjman: No he isn’t! I chose it first! Westminster: No you didn’t! You stole it off my shirt! Waldo: Guys! (He turns to Gun Guy.) Look, how about we call you Westminster, (He turns to Pjman.) and we call you Westminster Two. Pjman: Okay. (Another Westminster and Westminster Two walk on.) Alternate Westminster Two: Hi guys. Trajan: Who are you? Alternate Westminster Two: I’m Westminster Two from this dimension. And this is Westminster from your dimension. Waldo: What are you doing here? Alternate Westminster: Alternate Westminster Two drove our ship through a black hole two years ago and we ended up here. Trajan: This is very confusing. Waldo: You’re right. And where is my duplicate? Westminster: Under your ship. Waldo: What? Westminster: In this dimension you are called Tempas Tahoma, and are our unquestioned leader. Waldo: Oh, great. I have the worst luck. Trajan: Anyway, I was glad to get some help, but we have way too many Westminsters. Westminster: Yeah. You guys should just leave. Westminster Two: Who, me? Westminster: No, those other guys. Alternate Westminster Two: Oh. Alright. Come on, Alternate Westminster. Let’s go home. Alternate Westminster: But we can’t. You drove us through a black hole! Alternate Westminster Two: And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for those darn staple guns! (They leave.) Westminster Two: Can I have a new name? Trajan: Why? Westminster Two: I don’t like it anymore. And I remembered my real name. Waldo: What’s that? Westminster Two: Sheldon Tekton. Trajan: Okay, Sheldon. You and Waldo will guard the ship, while Westminster and I find out how to repair our ship. Waldo (under his breath): What a bunch of crap! You can’t fix that ship! You can’t even peel a banana, which is more relevant than it seems. Leave me here with a crazy old man in pin-striped pyjamas and- Sheldon: Hey, as I recall, you’re wearing some mighty fine pin-stripes yourself. Waldo: Hmm. So I am. Well, I suppose we should get down to guarding. (The rocket man blasts down wearing rocket boots and sequins.) Rocket Man: Did you say get down? Come on, guys! (Several chorus lines of monkeys in sequins blast on board and begin to boogie.) Sheldon: My toothbrush! (One of the monkeys is using it to brush his teeth. He springs up when Sheldon approaches and runs away.) Sheldon: I’ll teach you a couple of things about dental care, you crazy disco monkey! (Sheldon chases the monkey off stage.) Waldo: I think now would be a good time to blend in with the crowd... (A monkey hands him a disco version of Waldo clothes and he begins dancing. Scene switches to Trajan and Westminster.) Westminster: The local mechanic should be able to fix your ship, but I don’t know if he will. Trajan: Why? Westminster: Well, soon everyone will know that I didn’t kill you, and we’ll both be fugitives. Trajan: Is he a real Joe Lawful? Westminster: No, but...well, you’ll see. (They go to the repair shop. All of the lights are off.) Westminster: Hey, Dougie! You here? Voice from darkness: Heeeey, boys! This is my private property, see? Don’t want no spies in my dressing room, sniffing out my plays and such, see? Westminster: But Doug, we just want some Squinter! Doug: Weeell, that’s the thing, right? You want the Squinter, but I got it. See? Westminster: But you only got it because you stole it from those little kids. Trajan: What’s Squinter? Westminster: It’s a sugar and carbonation free sports drink. It also works as high- powered spaceship fuel. Doug: Weeeell, a man’s got to make a living these days, see? Can I help it if I need to liberate a little squinter now and then? Westminster: Yeah, but look, Doug, we just need a little squirt to get us off the ground and... Doug: Yeahh, well that’s the thing right there boys. Doug Underwood can’t just be handing out a squirt of Squinter here and a sip or two there, else the word’s gonna get around that Dougie’s spreading the goods about. Westminster: yes, I see. And I didn’t want to have to do this Dougie, but I’ve got some spreading to do myself. Doug: Ehhhh? Westminster: It’s just that I have this “evidence” that I feel John Law may be interested in. Doug: Evidence, ehhh? Westminster: Yeah, evidence that leads to the implication of a certain man in a certain illegal gitz pool, somewhat similar to the way that a fresh trail of Squinter might lead from one dressing room, to another. Doug: I see, boys...well, maybe we can add a few minutes to the clock, so to speak. Thugz, Wilkins, come here boys... (Two thugs enter.) Doug: These boys here are thirsty. See if you’ve can take them in to the back and get them something to “drink.” Thugzs/Wilkins: Duh, sure thing boss. (They take Westminster and Trajan away.) Trajan: I wonder how he knew I was thirsty. They do have Spritz Up in this dimension don’t they? Because I sure could use a can. Westminster: Um, sure. (Scene cuts to Westminster/Trajan/Waldo/Sheldon back on the ship.) All: Ha ha ha! Why, how witty of you computer! Computer: Just doing my best to “chip” in with my two “bytes”. Ha ha! All: Yes, indeed. Waldo: So, Westminster, I think we’re all curious about one thing. (Trajan is picking his teeth in the mirror distractedly and Sheldon is chasing a cat wearing pants and riding a unicycle.) Waldo: Hmm. Yes, well, I’m curious as to how you had evidence on Doug Underwood. Westminster: Well, that’s a rather complicated, involved story actually. Cat on Unicycle: Do tell. Westminster: See, I got it from myself in your dimension on that dimension’s Doug Underwood. My other self was a janitor at the arena out of which he operated his illegal Jitz pool. I took pictures to prove what a mess he left when asking for a raise. Sheldon: That doesn’t sound very complicated or involved. Westminster: Ah-ha! Indeed it doesn’t! But did I mention how I took the pictures? Waldo: How? Westminster: With a Polaroid! Ha! Waldo: I still don’t see... Cat on Unicycle: I wouldn’t worry about it too much, mate. This is likely all some sort of hallucinatory dream sequence. Waldo: Really? Cat (speaking in the voice of Bones from Star Trek): No, it’s probably all real. But crazy just the same. (He turns into a dancing daisy and moonwalks off stage.) Sheldon: So, who’s up for a game of cribbage? Waldo: What? What’s going on? This is insanity! Gibberish! It’s worse than having dinner with Monty Python! Westminster: You see why I hate this dimension? But you, you guys drive a giant banana. You have no right to point fingers and cluck tongues at the “crazies”. (In the background, a bunch of flamingos walk past, saying “Cha cha cha!”) Trajan: Ahhh! (He wakes up, and finds himself back on the regular Nannership. Waldo, wearing a trench coat, wide brimmed hat and sunglasses is standing over him.) Waldo: Are you okay, sir? You were sleeping. Trajan: Whew! So it was all just a dream. Waldo: Yeah. All this crazy stuff started happening and when the flamingos came in you passed out. Trajan: Well, I - what?!! Waldo: Ha ha, just kidding. I heard you talking in your sleep. (He turns and leaves, and we see he is actually two flamingos stacked up and wearing a trench coat, à la The Little Rascals. The real Waldo runs up.) Waldo: Red alert! Red alert! We have a red alert in the administrative department! It seems we have excessive administrivia and excessive verbiage coming at us from all directions! Trajan: Administrivia? Waldo: It’s a neologism, sir. You know, a term that someone makes up? Trajan: A neologism? Waldo: Yes, sir. The term neologism is also a neologism. Trajan: I see. So what can we do to stop this assault? Waldo: We must speak copiously, and ensure that all our paragraphs are exactly five lines in length. Trajan: But that’s such a pain! Waldo: Exactly! Trajan: Now, how are we going to get back to our dimension? Sheldon: Well, that should be simple. We merely fly back through the black hole. That should work, unless we encounter some..some sort of “quantum” leaping problem and begin to “slide” between dimensions. Trajan: But that won’t happen, right? Sheldon: Of course not, unless we ..... a....hmmphaum. Waldo: What? Sheldon: No, no, of course not. Everything is perfectly fine. (There is an extreme close-up on his face. Suspicious person close-up music plays.) Westminster: What’s that? Trajan: Huh? Oh, that’s my new suspicious person music CD. Isn’t it great? Westminster: It sounds to me like they ripped off the Talking Heads and Simple Minds. Trajan: Hey, you like Talking Heads too? Westminster: Talking Heads and Simple Minds, yes. Trajan: They weren’t the same band. Westminster: Yes. They were. Trajan: Look, I don’t care what dimension you’re from, they weren’t the same band. Editor’s Note: From here the file is missing or corrupted. If demand requires, I will rewrite the remainder of this awe-inspiring space opera. Check the main page for updates!