Ah, it's good to be back. For those of you who enjoyed Shorts' updates (and I mean, who didn't?), fret not: he shall be back in a few weeks. Right now he's busy filming a soy sauce commercial in Japan, and was unable to produce an update. In the meantime, I thought I'd bring up something that doesn't get very much love around here, and that's the guestbook. As I'm sure many of you have noticed, it's a crappy, cookie-cutter, fill in the blanks kind of guestbook that carries the authoritative power of Henry Kissinger wearing a ball gown and playing the harp.
This is because it's been around since this site's launch way back in the spring of 2001, and has yet to be replaced by anything better and/or cooler (the oldest entry dates to 2003 because the book was cleared due to inactivity). It was originally just a placeholder in lieu of a proper book created from HTML and Javascript, but of course I got lazy and just left it the way it was. Still, for all of its street cred and hilarious references to robotic monkeys, it has been largely ignored. One could argue that this is because my page has also been largely ignored, and 98% of the current 1284 hits are from two people. While this is true, it discounts the fact that Renzo's Rant has occasionally experienced strange, one-day hit fests during which it receives upwards of 50 hits. Any rumours that these anomalies are caused by webmaster pimping spam-fests are completely unfounded. In unrelated news, the admins at Fark.com are jerks. But either way, you can't ignore the fact that over the 3+ years it has been here, the guestbook has averaged one entry every three months.
I find that it mirrors the no-frills, as-basic-as-possible, made-completely-without-professional-software foundation upon which Renzo's Rant was based. This website has evolved over the years to reflect my distaste for pages that are, to quote the hideously over-used phrase, all style and no substance. I'm talking about the pages that are filled with Flash intros, pop-up Javascript windows, and constitute 900 pages of code, but ultimately contain nothing. The fact that my coding skills are on par with the pope's just happens to coincide with this.
Anyway, on with the actual article. I thought I'd discuss a few of the more interesting entries that have turned up in the book over the years. A few of them are private entries, so you'll actually see something by reading this article that you couldn't by just reading the guestbook yourself. Onward ho!
Sunday 08/29/2004 0:00:49am
Name: Maddox
Homepage: http://maddox.xmission.com
E-Mail: maddox@harvardu.org
Robotic Monkeys: Not
If you were to give the eulogy at Shorts' funeral what would it be? Short was a fucking dipshit. He should have died sooner, or grown taller to to evolve with his environment.
Any words to add to the Dicslotary? Maddox: To always be right; the best.
Any further comments? This website is nothing compared to mine. Keep up the crummy effort screw ball dipshit. Just kidding, it's decent work. But fuck you anyway! For anyone who doesn't know, Maddox is a fellow webmaster with a website full of pointless articles, mostly about things that piss him off. He is somewhat of an internet celebrity, and has legions of loyal followers. That being said, you'd probably think that it was a pretty big deal for me that he has not only visited my site, but also complimented it (and trust me, that's as much of a compliment as Maddox is usually willing to give). However, none of that is applicable since the person who signed the guestbook is clearly not Maddox. Not only is the enclosed email address not Maddox's, it doesn't even exist. You'd think that whoever wrote this would have done their homework by even briefly skimming his page and come to two conclusions: his actual email is posted all over the site, and he has stated numerous times that he attends the University of Utah, not Harvard.
My guess is that some random person stumbled upon my page, and noted that it bears a resemblance to that of Maddox. While I do frequent Maddox's page and would consider myself a fan, the resemblance is a coincidence. Renzo's Rant was around for almost 2 years before I even discovered Maddox, and it's not too hard for two personal, article-based websites to appear similar. Still, it's nice to pretend that Maddox himself browsed through the hallowed halls of Renzo's Rant.
Tuesday 05/11/2004 5:28:43pm
Name:
Homepage:
E-Mail:
Robotic Monkeys: Hot
If you were to give the eulogy at Shorts' funeral what would it be?
Any words to add to the Dicslotary?
Any further comments?
I don't know who was responsible for this entry, but it's clear that their heart simply wasn't in it. I mean, the only entry field they completed was the one involving a pull-down bar, so perhaps it was someone using a computer with a mouse but without a keyboard. Until someone fesses up or I I hear differently, I'm going to exercise my webmaster's power and claim that it was signed by this guy.
Sunday 07/25/2004 10:03:00am
Name: John Holmes
Homepage:
E-Mail:
Robotic Monkeys: Not
If you were to give the eulogy at Shorts' funeral what would it be? Who's Shorty and how did he really get his name?
Any words to add to the Dicslotary? not today
Any further comments? I am looking for old Army buddy named Renzo V. Del Conte - are you he?
A few things: I'm going to assume that the legendary porn star John Holmes has not risen from the grave due to some sort of wacky voodoo spell à la Weekend At Bernie's II in order to browse my website, although I must admit that would be pretty damn cool. Therefore, it seems logical that the author's name is either a coincidence, or a selectively chosen alias, though I don't see why he would feel the need to impress me with overt allusions to his exceptionally large penis. Whatever the case may be, John has clearly not been paying attention, since the very first sentence on the main page identifies me as a university student. Therefore, it's unlikely that I'd be an old Army buddy. Unless I were one of those adult students that goes back to school despite the absolutely zero effect it will have on their career, because McDonald's doesn't care if you have a degree in communications or not. Because those people suck. Of course, I suppose we can't expect John to pick up on something like that, since he can't even type the word Shorts properly. However, he does manage to make another penis size-related reference. I love you, John.
Wednesday 06/23/2004 9:59:20pm
Name: Rach McLelland
Homepage:
E-Mail: Omitted
Robotic Monkeys: Hot
If you were to give the eulogy at Shorts' funeral what would it be?
Any words to add to the Dicslotary?
Any further comments?
Imagine this, a young lad surfing on the net finds the rants of a supposed fan. Imagine his surprise at the words of someone who doesn't even know his dad. Now the picture changes to a criminal act....recording a phone call without permission. Is legal action forthcoming? We shall see.
This one baffles me right from the get-go when the name Rach is shortly followed by claims of being a "lad". I don't know what Rach is short for, Mr. McLelland, but I can assure you that your parents fucked you hardcore. As far as your veiled threat goes, it couldn't possibly be more vague. Perhaps your intent was to confuse rather than scare, but I'm not sure. Not only do you fail to mention who your father is, but you also neglect to inform me where on my website the alleged incident takes place. Since the only place where your allegations would hold up is the Court of Ambiguous and Non-Specific Claims, I think I'm safe for now.
In order to humour you, I have attempted to ascertain the specifics of your case. The only thing on Renzo's Rant even close to "recording a phone call" is a link to another site on the Kideo page. And the last time I checked, providing a link to a webpage that provides a link to a phone call that may have been made without permission doesn't even approach being a criminal offence, let alone a misdemeanour. I'm confused as to why you didn't leave this threat on the linked webpage. Was it because they lacked a guestbook, and you felt the need to throw the book at someone? Or is it just because you're too much of a dumbass to not see that the phone recording was made by someone else and posted on a completely different website? And assuming this little scenario is true, this means that you are the son of one of the guys from Kideo. In that case, it looks like you got fucked twice.
Okay folks, that's all for now. Remember to sign the book if you haven't already, and if you have, sign it again! It's the only way I'm going to learn.
