Hollywood Hints
By Renzo.
I'm back! I'm sure you've all been hanging on the edge of your respective seats, awaiting my next
article. Well, your flattering impatience was not in vain, my friends! For I have returned with my next foray into the Box,
and this one is even better than the last! It has more wackiness, more zaniness, and more wacky zaniness.
Right, then. Anyway, today I thought I would share some observations I've made from watching television and movies, and some helpful suggestions that I think will really benefit the industry. I wouldn't say that I consider myself to be a flim expert. As you've probably already noticed, I can't even spell film properly. But this is just the reason why my opinions are so very, very important. As a blue-collared everyman, I think my advice will help Hollywood to reunite with the general populace, something that hasn't been done since producers bowed to public opinion in 1970 and cancelled the proposed sitcom My Big Family starring Charles Manson.
Tip #1: No more precocious small children
Why? Because they're annoying, and they smell.
Kids are good for one thing and one thing only: retrieving hidden gold and jewels from cramped, musty closets and secret compartments in haunted mansions.
Other than that, nobody wants to see them. Speaking of haunted mansions, how come the kids never die in horror movies? You'd think the adults would kill two
birds with one stone by slowing down the bad guys and getting rid of the excess baggage, when they tossed the jive-talking kid off the back of the get-away car.
But no, they always make sure the kids make it out alive, usually after the big, quiet guy we held a slight distrust for selflessly sacrifices himself.
Tip #2: No more heroes making stupid decisions on principle
I really hate it when the protagonist in a show/movie has an easy way to solve the conflict, but they choose not to because it's "wrong" . So like Snake
Lyncher, street-savvy cop, has the opportunity to bring down the evil drug lord El Sanchez Guapo, whom he has been tracking for 10 years. But it
will require him to break the law, so he lets the rascally Guapo get away, again. Perhaps TV's worst culprit for pulling this stunt is Captain
Kathryn Janeway, from Star Trek Voyager. Harry Kim: Captain, this alien race of over 20 million people will be instantly and completely
destroyed unless we break rule 5657A of the Prime Directive. Captain Janeway: What rule is that? Harry Kim: "No starship Captain shall
ever utter the word 'slam-dance'". Captain Janeway: I'm sorry, Harry, but I can't break the Prime Directive. Harry Kim: But...
Captain Janeway: Harry, those people will have to die. But don't worry - it's for their own good. Janeway should have taken some advice from Picard.
That guy wiped his ass with the Prime Directive every other episode.
Tip #3: No more teen sex romps. In fact, no more sex romps in general
At any rate,
this has become a worn-out genre. The last great teen sex romp movie was Vanilla Ice's semi-bio pic Cool As Ice, and that came out 12 years ago.
Granted, it didn't contain any sex, or even any romping. But the heart was there.
Hopefully the President of Hollywood will read this, and heed my well-founded advice. It's clear that the entertainment industry needs a cleaning up, and
who better to do it than me? Please, don't thank me - I'm just a man.
Am I the only one getting tired of these movies? Why would I want to watch a bunch of 30 year old jack-asses pretending to be 17 year olds?
And why would I want to see them make hilariously pathetic attempts to have sex, which aren't actually hilarious? And why aren't they successful, when
they all look like Calvin Klein models, and it's painfully obvious that everyone in the world is shallow? And why do I keep speaking in questions?
