As I understand it, America is currently embroiled in the race to the Presidency, which will culminate with elections this November. One of the Democratic party's jobs, as part of Operation Anyone But Bush, is to find someone to represent the party. Fortunately there are lots of hopefuls from which to choose. One of the forerunners in the sea of contenders is Senator John Kerry, a man who once earned a living off the earnings of Lance Henriksen impersonator contests.This is one guy who's got it together. Check out his impressive credentials:
- He drove the Communists back to Minnesota, where they belong!
- He taught Jimmy Carter the hully gully in time for the 1976 Presidental debate, which experts agree won him the election.
- He invented the number 6.
As if those accomplishments weren't enough, he's also a rocking rocker who knows how to rock out:
However, as often happens during the pre-election sweeps, the opposition has tried to discredit John in the hopes of ruining his election chances. A photograph has recently surfaced, and reportedly contains none other than our John Kerry attending an anti-Vietnam War rally in 1970. We here at Renzo's Rant have obtained the picture, which can be seen below:
However, this incriminating photo is the smallest of John's worries. After putting my super-sleuthing skills to the test, I have discovered something both shocking and insipid. And even though I am putting my life on the line by doing so, I feel the need to share this information with the rest of the world by posting it on my website that has one regular reader.
You may have at one time asked yourself where Mr. Kerry was during the years 1977-1979. His presence in sushi bars and Lance Henriksen look-a-like contests suddenly ceased, and no one heard from him until several years later. At the risk of death, I will tell you why: he was living a secret life, under the assumed name of Richard Kiel.
That's right, the man who may well become the 44th president of the United States of America, was the scene-stealing Jaws, star of James Bond films The Spy Who Loved Me and Moonraker. Perhaps the most famous of all Bond henchmen, Jaws sported a hulking figure and metal teeth, which James for some reason always targeted when shooting/punching him. Using the latest in computer technology, we have created a composite image (see and mouse-over below):
1: Carter, Jimmy. The Hully Gully and Me: How I Won the 1976 Election. New York: Gulliver Press, 1987
