Renzo's Rant

Wow, talk about a cool movie. Apparently I'm in the minority in thinking that this movie lived up to its hype. More descriptively, I thought that it whipped the race horse's bootyhole (to paraphrase the late, great Wesley Willis). That having been said, it was not without its flaws. So that's why I called up my good old friend Quentin Tarantino, and we collaborated on a special director's cut. We only made some minor changes; nothing too drastic. We both felt that this new version builds upon and improves the theatric cut, and Quentin's definitelty considering including it on the DVD.

It is with great pride, my friends, that I unveil to you a sneak peek at the director's cut of Kill Bill Vol. 1!

First off, we recognised that Uma Thurman was definitely the weak link in the cast, and would have to be replaced in order to allow for improvement. Thus, we turned to the greatest gift to the film and television industry since the camera itself. Yes, that's right, we got Dustin Diamond (and it wasn't cheap, believe me)! Here's what he had to say:

"Quentin and Renzo were really lucky to come and see me when they did. As you can imagine, I'm a busy man and my schedule has been absolutely packed, what with my current demand in Hollywood. At first I was leary at the idea of playing a woman, and at parts a pregant woman, but they convinced me that my stellar thespian abilities would make me perfect for the role.

"I guess I really chose to take [the role of The Bride] because I realised that if I didn't do it, this perfectly good movie would go to waste. And as we started filming, I realised that I really was the man, or should I say the woman, for the job. I thought that I would be perfect as The Bride, as she and I shared a lot of experiences and challenges. For example, we were both screwed by our more successful co-workers, and everyone thought that we were dead for several years."

Once filming started, Quentin and I discovered what a golden opportunity we had with Dustin. Realising that he could be the next Peter Sellers (who was known for playing multiple roles in a movie) or Mike Myers, we decided to cast him in some other roles as well. This lead to the most dramatic (and best, in the opinion of Quentin and I) change for a scene in the film, as The Bride faces off against schoolgirl bodyguard Go Go - also played by Diamond. Here's a rough screenshot:

Another flaw with the film was its lack of recognisable rap stars, which had been featured so prominently in previous Tarantino films (Harvey Keitel in Reservoir Dogs, Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction, Robert De Niro in Jackie Brown). To rectify this situation, we reshot some critical scenes to include the rap world's biggest current star, Anthony L. Ray, also known as Sir Mix-A-Lot. Assuming the role of the film's narrator, Mix-A-Lot presents the action in an interactive, Rod Sterling fashion by speaking directly to the audience from on-screen. Here we see him introducing the infamous fight scene between Dustin's alter-egos.