Wow, glad to see you're still with us. I'm sure my month-long hiatus has given you ample time to stew, and let the impact of recent events sink in, then eventually fester and rot. If you have no idea what the fuck that was supposed to mean, you're not alone. Don't mind me, I have no idea what the hell I'm writing. I've recently discovered that cola mixes quite well with pineapple Malibu and orange Vodka. Suffice it to say that I've been very busy with fun things like changing all the light bulbs that burned out in the last 6 months, and planning what colour of socks to wear each day for the next eight years.
Anyway, as a kind of peace offering to my two loyal readers (you know who you are, Brad and Jeff!) for sticking it out while I was away, I offer a one-of-a-kind kinda update: two updates in one! Wowee, I can hear you say! And since you're apparently within hearing range, I'm sure you'll hear me when I say "You're welcome, you greedy bastards!" What nerve you have.
To kick things off, I present you with several pieces of email correspondence that I received last month. It began innocently enough, when I opened my mailbox and saw a message from one "BARRISTER RAYMOND SIMY", with the highly explanatory subject message of "FROM BARRISTER RAYMOND". Wow, I thought, BARRISTER RAYMOND SIMY wants to tell me that he sent me an email! Imagine my surprise when I opened the message and read the following (all spelling, grammatical, and capitalisation errors are intact):
Dear Friend,
Firstly, not to cause you embarrassment, I am Barrister RAYMOND SIMY,a Solicitor at law and the personal
attorney to named Gerald Welsh who died in an air crash along with his wife on the 31st October 1999 in an
Egyptian airline boeing 990 with other passengers on board. You can confirm this fact from the website
which was aired by the BBC WORLD NEWS: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/502503.stm .
Since his death, none of his relations or persons have come forward to lay claims to his this funds as next-of-kin, and
on my own i have made concerted effort to locate any of his relatives but all prove abortive, which makes me to
believe that maybe nobody of his knows that he was operating this foreign account with and Insurance broking firm
here in the UK. Based on the ethics and policies of the Deposit holding firm, this funds will be declared unclaimed funds and taken to the treasury of the bank as capital base of the bank, because already the account has been
tagged dormant because it has exceeded the normal functional number of years.
Inspite of the above please do bear in mind that l have made several enquiries with his country's embassies to locate
any of my clients extended relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful. After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to contact you with this business partnership proposal. I have
contacted you to assist in repatriating a huge amount of money left behind by my client before they get confiscated
or declared unserviceable by the Finance/Security Company where these huge deposit was lodged.
The deceased had a deposit valued presently at $10.5million (Ten Million, Five Hundred Thousand United State
Dolars) and the Company has issued me a notice to provide his next of kin or Beneficiary by Will otherwise have the account confiscated within the next sixty official working days.
Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over 3years now, I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin / Will Beneficiary to the deceased so that the
proceeds of this account valued at $10.5 Million US dollars can be paid to you. This will be disbursed or shared in
these percentages, 60% to meand 40% to you.
I have all necessary legal documents that can be used to back up any claim we may make. All I require is your
honest Co-operation, Confidentiality and Trust to enable us see this transaction through. I guarantee you that this
will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law.
PLEASE DO GET IN TOUCH WITH ME URGENTLY BY THIS
E-mail: raymondsimy101@voila.fr
And please provide me the following:
This is to enable me commence immediate preparation of all legal
document that will back up our claim.
1. Full Name :
2. Your Telephone Number and Fax Number
3. Your Contact Address.
Your urgent response will be highly anticipated and appreciated.
Best regards,
BARRISTER RAYMOND SIMY [SAN] Esq
Well, I'm sure you can guess my reaction. A complete stranger was willing to give me 40% of 10.5 million dollars for doing practically nothing, other than providing him with sensitive information that can traditionally be used to perform fraud and other illegal, money-related schemes? Score! I was all over that! I could barely concentrate on my keyboard (yes, I'm a keyboard-looking typer, you hardcore screen-watching bastards) as I typed out my reply with shaking hands. That 4.2 million dollars was practically almost in theory mine!
Many hellos to you, RAYMOND SIMY! I am very glad that you decided to contact me, because this sounds like a very urgent and lucrative opportunity! I am very much the interested in helping you to retrieve Mr. Welsh's funds!
Although you are in the UK, I see that you are using a French email address. Do you speak French? Parlez-vous le francais? Parce que je parles la francais plus plus bon! Les francais, c'est le simple pour moi, non? Donc, si vous vouloir parler en la francaise, c'est plus plus bon avec moi!
If we only have 60 days to save that money, we'd better start acting fast! I'm sure I don't need to tell you that 10.5 million dollars is a lots of the money! In case you didn't know, that's 5.45558 million of your British pounds! Or if you're French, it's 51.7394 million Francs! Mon dieu! Quel dommage!
I'll let you in on a little secret, RAYMOND SIMY - I love moneys! And even more, the free moneys for which one does not need to do hard work! That's why I couldn't resist your offer - 6.16983 million Deutsche Marks is a lot of free money! I'm willing to do whatever it takes to ensure that money is properly handled by being given to a couple of guys who legitimately earned it.
I'm a bit worried about giving you my contact information, though. Once time I tried to help a Nigerian prince get his diamond money out of Africa, and let me just say that he made off with my money as well as his! But you sounds like a very trusty person, so I'm not afraid to give you the infos! In fact, I look very forward to arranging a deal with you!
Please write back to me soon, so that we can quickly rescue the moneys and make both me and RAYMOND SIMY plus plus bon of the rich!
Well, it seems that RAYMOND SIMY was just as excited about our Deutsche marks as I was, because he wrote back almost immediately. In fact, he was so excited that he couldn't stop himself from capitalising every word, even ones that weren't his name!
ATTN. MR RENZO
I AKNOWLEDGED THE RECIEPT OF YOUR MAIL,ITS CONTENTS WELL UNDERSTOON.AS A MATTER OF FACT I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THIS TRANSACTION IS STRICTLY LEGITIMATE AND NOTE THE FUND IS PRESENTLY DEPOSITED IN A SECURITY COMPANY HERE IN UK.I AM A BRITISH LAWYER AND A CITIZEN AS WELL.
BE ADVICE TIME IS NO LONGER IN OUR FAVOUR TO CLAIM THIS FUND BECAUSE THE SECURITY COMPANY WILL BE CLOSING THEIOR FINAL QUATERS BY MIDDLE DECEMBER SO AS A MATTER OF FACT YOU ARE REQUIRED TO FORWARD YOUR DATAS LIKE I STATED IN MY FIRST PROPOSAL TO YOU THEN ON RECIEPT OF IT I WILL COMMENCE WORKING OUT MORDALITIES IN YOUR FAVOURE REGARDS PROCURING THE NECESSORY DOCUMENTS IN YOUR NAME WHICH WILL PROVE YOU AS THE BONAFIDE BENEFICIARY AND ENABLE STAND FOR CLAIMS.
TREAT AS URGENT AND REMAIN BLESS IN THE LORD.
REGARDS,
BARRISTER RAYMOND SIMY
I wrote back to RAYMOND, saying that I didn't have a passport, but would my credit card number and expiration date be okay? I can only guess as to the noise that our good friend probably made when he read this and experienced fourteen simultaneous orgasms, but I think it's pretty safe to say that it sounded something like this: "Nnngngnngngggg." However, he soon got a bit antsy when no information came, so he sent me a friendly reminder:
ATTN MR RENZO,
I WANT TO REMIND YOU ABOUT THE URGENT ATTENTION REQUIRED FROM YOU SO AS TO ENABLE US MEET UP WITH TIME REGARDS THE CLAIM OF THE FUND BECAUSE I WAS RELIABLY INFORMED BY AN INSIDER THAT THE SECURITY COMPANY WILL BE CLOSING UP BY MIDDLE OF DECEMBER SO I AM WANTING AXIOUSLY FOR YOU TO FORWARD YOUR INFORMATION SO THAT I WILL COMMERCE PROCURING THE NEEDED DOCUMENTATION IN THE COURT AND AS WELL FILE APPLICATION TO THE AUTHOURITIES CONCERED WITH THE APPROVAL AND RELEASE OF THE FUND ON YOUR BEHALF.
MOST IMPORTANTLY,I WANT YOU TO TO UNDERSTAND THAT THIS TRANSACTION HAS NORTHING TO DO WITH AFRICAN LIFE OR WHAT SO EVER ALL WE NEED IS ABSOLUTE TRUST ON OUR SELF.INRESPECT OF THIS I WOULD WANT YOU TO SEND ME YOUR COPY OF INTERNATIONAL PASS PORT FOR IDENTIFICATION AND TRUST PURPOSE REGARDS THIS TRANSACTION AND I WILL DO SAME UPON THE RECIEPT OF YOURS.
FINALLY,REMEMBER TO SEND ALONG YOUR OFFICE TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBER INCLUDING YOUR CELL PHONE NUMBER WHERE I CAN REACH YOU AT ALL TIME FOR FURTHER CONCRET DISCUSSION REGARDS THIS TRANSACTION.
TREAT AS URGENT AND REMAIN BLESS IN THE LORD AND PLZ LET ME KNOW IF YOU ARE NOT WILLY TO CONTINUE WITH THIS TRANSACTION SO AS TO ENABLE ME SEEK FOR ANOTHER ACCOMPLIANS FOR THE SEAK OF TIME.
REGARDS,
BARRISTER RAYMOND SIMY.
I wrote back.
Hellos again, RATMOND SIMY! Sorry for the wait, I've been quite busy lately! I understand the need for urgency in this manner, so I will give you my contact information right now!
Name: Josh Renzo
Address: 758 Pine Street, Bellville
Province: Ontario
Country: Canada
Postal Code: G8DK3G
Telephone (Day): 416-465-5739
Telephone (Evening): 416-465-5920
Credit Card: Visa
Number: 4755 5748 3869 5637
Expiry Date: 07/06
I don't have your mailing address, RAYMOND SIMY, so I can't send you my passport or anything else, silly! Now whens is I going to gets my moooooooooney?????
For the record, the above information is pure baloney, and if your address, phone number or credit card number turned up, you should consider yourself lucky, considering the odds. The next day I received my final piece of correspondence:
ATTN
I ACKNOWLEDGED THE RECCIEPT OF YOUR MAIL ITS CONTENTS WELL NOTED.HOWEVER I WANT YOU UNDERSTAND THAT BY MONDAY MORNING I WILL BE PROCEEDING TO THE BRITISH HIGH COURT OF JUSTICE REGARDS PROCURING THE REQUIRED DOCUMENT AFFIDAVITE OF CLAIM IN YOUR NAME WHICH WILL PROVE YOU THE BONAFIDE NEXT OF KIN AND AS WELL ENABLE YOU STAND FOR THE CLAIMS.
APPARENTLY,AS SOON AS THAT IS ACCOMPLISHED I WILL FORWARD THE COPY TO YOU AS WELL AS THE CERTIFICATE OF THE DEPOSITE FOR YOUR RECORD PURPOSE AND PERUZEL BEFORE I WILL THEN HAVE TO FILE AN APPLICATION FOR THE FUND RELEASE APPROVAL ON YOUR BEHALF TO THE AUTHOURITY OF THE SECURITY COMPANY CONCERNED WITH THE RELEASE OF THE FUND.
PLZ ALWAYS KEEP ME POSTED ON MAIL.
REGARDS,
BARRISTER RAYMOND SIMY
And that, unfortunately, was it. I considered writing back a few days later in the hopes of provoking a response, but decided not to tempt fate. The last thing I need is an angry British barrister chasing after me.
Had enough? If so, then don't press on to Part Two!
