So here's how my Halloween went: I stayed in my room and did nothing. Yep, it was even more exciting than it sounds! I miss the days when I was a kid, and got to go collect candy from old people who knew me, even though I had no idea who they were. Anyway, speaking of candy, I got very little this year. In fact, what I got can only be referred to as "candy" in a very loose sense. Some woman in the Commons building was handing out...get ready for it...Dubble Bubble gum!
I hate Dubble Bubble. It is quite possibly the worst gum ever, besides the novelty gum sold from the back of magazines and at travelling carnivals, which tastes like crap or oil, or turns your mouth black. But at least those are funny. Which is more than I can say about Pud, the annoying mascot of Dubble Bubble. First I should say that the gum tastes fine. In fact, I quite enjoy the flavour. The problem is that it runs out after being in your mouth for like 10 seconds. Actually, that's a bit too high. It's really like this:
Yeah, 2 seconds is a better figure. So it tastes good for 2 seconds, at which point it tastes like you're chewing on a wad of window cocking. At least they're sold individually, because if you bought a pack you'd go through it in 2 minutes. The best $1.59 you ever spent!
But back to Pud. He's the real reason why I hate Dubble Bubble. Along with his distant cousin Bazooka Joe, who at least has a cool name (What's the deal with Pud? It sounds like an Austrian beer), he has made it his mission to worm his way into every piece of individually wrapped gum. And why? To be funny? Of course not! He's never funny! And there's only about 6 different comics, so you end up with 14 copies of each one. Here are the ones that I got on Halloween:
First off, let me point out that from a random pool of 5 comics, I got a repeat. That should be the first sign that things aren't well in Pudland. Alright, here's my impression of them, running from left to right, top to bottom.
1. The Fine Art of Flattery
Oh yeah, like this one hasn't been done before. I'm pretty sure there's cave paintings in Lascaux, France of Neanderthal kids trying to suck up to their mom to get more food. The truth is that it never works. Any mother will instantly see through it and punish you by giving you less ice cream. Apparently Pud's mother is the stupidest person in the world, or there was a deleted panel in which Pud hit her with a hammer and took the ice cream anyway.
2. www.fastmoney.com
Okay, I don't even know what's going on here. If a 19 year old doesn't get the joke, I doubt the target audience of 6 year olds will. Is Pud suggesting that they use the website to get him money? If so, how? Doesn't the precocious kid know that those sites are always scams? He'd be better off starting his own porn site. It seems like this is just an excuse to update and modernize the comic by including computers. They should have had him looking at this page. That would have been cool.
3. www.fas-hey, wait a minute!
This looks familiar...a little too familiar! What a rip-off! I want my 5 cents back!
4. Keyless Security System
This one just plain baffles me. Its blatant disregard of the laws of physics make Looney Tunes look like a documentary. Are we to believe that Pud has blown a bubble huge and thick enough to contain the weight of such a large tome? How is he supposed to get it out, and won't it be all sticky and gross? Perhaps the most pressing question is, how can this be considered a security system? What's so secure about a bubble of gum? I don't think it would take John Dillinger and the boys long to crack that safe.
5. Rethinking The Swim Team Idea
Pud confuses me. He's brazen enough to scam his mother and some poor internet site, but he's too much of a putz to wear a bathing suit? Is it because they appear to be tight Speedos, or is it changing in general that he's afraid of? And why do the other kids appear to be sleeping or dead? Just put on the damn Speedos, you stupid dweeb.
Well, there you have it. In conclusion, I would like to say that Bazooka Joe is also on my hit list, but due solely to his name, I'll let him off the hook...for now. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go drink some Austrian beer.
