The Why-Files
By Renzo.
Welcome to the third entry to Renzo's Box. Today I'm
pondering about a series of questions. They are, as you may
expect, of the utmost importance to all of us, but especially to
me. Because this isn't always about you, you know. The
world doesn't revolve around you.
Nah, I'm just kidding. Of course it does.
Why
play as Sonic when you can be Knuckles?
Seriously, people. Knuckles was created for one
reason, and that reason was to kick Sonic and Tails' collective
asses. Okay, he was actually created to protect the Island of
Sacred Crystals or something like that, but that's not important.
I mean, come on - is there any way you would ever voluntarily play as
Sonic or Tails? Knuckles can punch through solid rock, climb
completely vertical walls, and hang glide through the air.
Sonic, on the other hand, is just spunky and
in-your-face. Frankly, I find his flava to be very
anti-authoritarian and morally corrupted. Is this the kind of
message we want to send to the children? Tails is no better, as
the concept of a flying, two-tailed fox was obviously inspired by some
sort of acid trip.
Why hasn't Carrot
Top been assassinated yet?
Why does my picture at
hotornot.com keep getting such a low rating?
Now I'll be the
first one to tell you that I'm not the world's handsomest guy.
Sure, I've never been offered a job as an underwear model, or an actor
in one of them talking pictures. But surely my chiseled, manly
visage deserves at least a 7 on a scale of 1 to 10?
I'm sure we can chalk my average score of 0.3 up to
embittered, ugly people who vote 1 for everyone, in a fruitless attempt
to feel better about themselves. This does not, however, explain
how my average score is lower than the lowest possible ranking. I
attribute this to a clerical error by the server's computer. If
you want to help raise my score, go here and
vote 10!
Why were so many 70s disco and funk bands
called [blank] & The [blank]?
First there was Cool & The Gang.
Then there was KC & The Sunshine Band. Then there was
presumably several dozen more similarly-named bands. I haven't
bothered checking.
Anyway, I'm pretty sure these guys set out with the sole purpose of
confusing people. How many times have you asked yourself "Oh man,
which of the blank-and-the-blank groups did That's The Way I Like
It?" or "Celebration? Wasn't that by the same people who
did Car Wash?" That's right, you've done it too many times to
mention, and you clearly don't remember that Car Wash was by Rose
Royce. That means that they're already won, people.
Wow, is the article done already? Time sure flies
when you're writing about pointless stuff with no real
conclusions. So once again, faithful readers, I shall sign off,
before returning once again to thrill, titillate and thrilltillate.
