Worm Story 0 (or –1): Enter the Jim

Introduction by Worm Mad

This story is a prequel to the original Worm Story and as such features the young Jim as he encounters his first ever adventures. It explains quite a bit of what happens in the original and ties up a few loose ends. I think it’s pretty cool so have a read.

The Story…

Once upon a time, the Angular Wooden Giraffe and an aqua sheep had a child. His name was Jim and for some unknown reason, he was a worm. On the day of Jim's birth there was a mix up with a couple of babies and Jim was given to the Buffalo of Lies by mistake. Now the Buffalo of Lies didn't really care for worms and was furious that his 'son' had turned out as one so he put him in a basket and left it in a river.

So poor Jim floated off down the river when after a while the basket got washed up onto the shore of a small village. There he was picked up by Shnooganhassentsughatsujsatsughathphaga (Or Guy as he is known to his friends).

"W-w-w-ell are-aren't you a li-little d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-darling" Said Guy. "Blah goo goo blah stutter blah goo goo HUNGRY" said Jim. "D-d-d-d-do you li-li-like roa-roadkill?" said Guy. "Leave him alone, ya freak!" yelled Tykecheeserat, another one of the village's oddly named inhabitants. He then picked him up and said "We'd best give im to the Nursery,School,College and University of Warcraft and hope for the best." So Jim was raised by the military nuts at NSCUW along with a bunch of other abandoned worms.

Years passed and Jim was nicknamed "Annudafishthaedumongus" and graduated university of warcraft with flying colours. Tykecheeserat, who he now considered his mom, was busy cooking when he decided to ask her what was his past, as he wasn't very related with the folk from there. Tykecheeserat let out a chuckle then said, "We jus' found you in a basket in da ol' river, Annudafishthaedumongus".

Jim was heartbroken, knowing that he was not really one of the villagers so that night he ran away. After a little while, he came across "BOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "Oh my bleedin ears!" Jim had found a Chipmunk named Bob whom he proceeded to ignore. Instead he said "Well, now I've graduated from NSCUW, I guess I should join an Army..." and he had a small memory of the Buffalo of Lies, so he thought of joining his army so he went to sign up but found he was too late! They had already got enough soldiers for this year so he would have to wait a couple of years for the chance to sign up again.

In the meantime, he decided to become a mercenary, fighting for whoever paid him the most! However the area was very peaceful, he’d have to travel to some big cities to get a job as a mercenary, but there was no transportation here, everyone walked. Except for Jim the worm of course, who squirmed.

After a while a car roared past him then stopped. A particularly fat worm squirmed out and recognising Jim said "Jim is that you, ol buddy?". It was Jim's old friend, Mij who had a weird nervous tic that made him punch his friends in the jaw at random. Fortunately, this random occurrence had randomly chosen it wouldn't happen this time. Instead, Mij rolled his fat invertebrate body over Jim and crushed him into the tarmac- another nervous tic he had.

Jim sighed. It was a bad day. He went to see a fortune-teller to see if it would get any worse. It shortly did. While the fortune teller was reading Jim's palms, her assistant swiped his wallet. The fortune teller then predicted that a runaway hubcap from a speeding car would lodge itself up his nose. She also told him that he would go on an insanely long adventure, travelling through time and space, until he had a big barney with a worm named Yipee Two-Face.

"Naah, that's never gonna happen," said Jim. He stormed out of the fortune-tellers, only for a runaway hubcap from a speeding car to lodge itself up his nose and that did happen, except that it lodged itself up the fortune teller's nose, while Jim got a whole wheel up his nose. "Looks like the universe has already got it in for me," Jim said, as he extracted the wheel from his nose. "Hmm... what should I do next? I've always been afraid of war*, but I do like pizza."

That said, he decided to look around for the nearest pizza place, when all of a sudden he slipped over a banana skin and fell flat on his face. When he looked up, he found himself being looked down upon by turtles and lots of them but they were about the same size as him*² so he ran to the pizza place and shut the door, and while he was there, ordered a cheese and tomato pizza.

Out of breath, he turned around to see a turtle at the pizza counter. Had the world gone mad? Jim screamed and ran out of the street.

He ran all the way down the road and turned a corner to find his old friend Mij. "Thank God it's you!" he said. He was then promptly punched in the jaw. Jim woke up in a hospital bed which happened to be floating down a large river but suddenly something hit it on the bottom so it started sinking.

Once Jim noticed it he put his hand underneath the bed and grabbed the thing that had caused the bed to start to sink. Pulling it out of the water, he realised that it was Mij! And he got punched in the face.

"Why do you keep punching me in the face?" Jim yelled.
"Because…..."

And with that said, he rolled over Jim and crushed him into the river bed. Jim wasn't one to give up that quickly, he punched him back and then squirmed away before his 'friend' could come around. On his way off, he met Zerk who was Mij's twin brother and punched Jim back into the river bank.

Then came krez. He was Zerk and Mij's triplet brother, but much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much much stronger. He proceeded to punch Jim in the jaw so hard that his brain shot out of his digestive tract, and soon Jim was being chased as he sprinted away from Mij, Zerk and Krez, then he suddenly tripped over something hard on the floor it was a large stone.

Jim passed out and before he knew it, woke up in hospital with his head bandaged up and a business man next to him. "What do you want?" Jim asks. "Good news Jim, krez has agreed to a rematch!" replies the business man.
"Aint gonna be no rematch!"
"This is the chance of a life time, Jim - you can't afford to pass it by!"
Just then the nurse comes in, carrying some grapes, from mij, zerk and krez, and they shortly followed, but they only wanted a chat to say if he didn't accept the deal they would kill him anyway then they left, leaving Jim not wanting to go to sleep, he had to do something about this problem and somehow find out why they were treating him like this, after all Mij was meant to be his friend. So at dusk Jim, nicked a Shotgun from the local armoury and held up the three of them.

"Why are you doing this to me? Talk!" he yelled. Each of the brothers pulled out a minigun and Mij said "because we are not your friends, but evil clones of them."
now Jim was really scared. “Evil clones??? this is crazier than I thought” said
Jim – “Well, I’ve still got a shotgun, and it's my turn, so I’m going to kill you guys well, two of you, anyway. But first... if you are evil clones, where are the real Mij, Zerk and Krez?”

Evil-Mij spoke up, "We put them in a giant melt-proof metal box in the centre of the earth, bwa ha ha ha ha ha!"
"Why?" Jim replied.
"Because, we're evil, bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
"I wish you'd stop laughing like that!"
Jim decided at this point to use the bottle of Chloroform he found, and he put them out cold, and stashed them into the ladies bathroom. He then, taking their weaponry, scrammed out of the alley and found himself face to face with Graz, Mij Zerk and Kreg's brother's evil clone, like them but 1000's of times stronger, and he punched Jim in the Jaw, and he landed on Mars.

He hurt his tail, and yelled "Ouch!". A voice said "Is it you, master?". Jim replied "Oh Cripes, you don't happen to be that little robot who I was given when I was little by Tykecheeserat and who I sent into space with a rocket because I got bored of it?"
Indeed, it was and the little fellow - named C500(B) came out on his little legs from behind a rock and started wailing,
"The advert said a robot is for life not just for Christmas, master - so did the box - it was so clear - why did you send me away, master - I only wanted to be loved - I'd do anything you wanted - I only wanted... a friend!"

Jim thought for a minute then asked C500(B) if there was anyway that he could get back to earth. You see, being the very good citizen that Jim is, and given all the odd going on's in the morning, Jim hadn't had the chance yet to vote. You see, in the USA, November 5th is the day which everyone votes and takes part in there democratic right to decide as one people as to the future of their government.

This was very important to Jim because he felt the call of patriotism and wanted to do his part.

C500(B) replied "Well if I knew a way do you really think I'd still be here?"

Jim thought for a while, C500(B) was smarter than this! He had disconnected his intelligence chip before he sent him into space. However without a screwdriver he was currently unable to open him up So, with the aid of a metallic bar, he started crying like a little girl, hitting C500(B), screaming

"Open up you f****d up robot!".

Without warning, C500(B) let out a loud Warning sound, indicating he was about to sing a song. "An a one, two, three, four - You can tell by the way I move my walk..." he sang. "OH GOD! What Have I done!" screams Jim and repeatedly thumps the undo button. However the only effect this has is to increase the volume. The awful sound becomes so loud that the ground starts to shake and land beneath Jim starts to crack open to reveal a plothole!

Quickly Jim jumped through the plothole and navigated his way back to the Worms world only to find that the plothole had not only sent him back to the worms world but to a future worms world, and a glum future it was indeed ruled by Johnson’s Baby Lotion (that, in a distant past, had given life to the most terrible foe Jim had ever met: The Time Machine)!!! Jim noticed that everything was in 2D, so he asked himself "Hasn’t Worms 3D been released yet?!"

"It should have been released." said a mysterious voice but Spadge went missing and we couldn't do it without him. We suspected a worm named Yipee Two-Face at the time but we haven't seen him for years."
"Who is this Yipee? I never heard of him." said a perplexed Jim.
Then a plot hole appeared and sucked him back into the present day with a head full of questions which only time could answer.

He then remembered that Mij was stuck in the centre of the earth so went about thinking up a way to save him without being killed by the boiling molten rock. In the end he decided upon Plan G which was to use a pneumatic drill with armour resistant up to 10000 degrees but that would only allow the pneumatic drill to resist, not him, so he went to WASA and got himself a suit that could resist extremely high temperatures.

So he began to drill, it was taking too long, then he had a great idea. He asked a nearby mole if he would care for a race to the centre of the earth. The mole agreed and Jim just squirmed along the tunnel he left behind. Just then he heard a rumble, he looked behind and saw The Ghost of Christmas Future! "Youuuu muuussttt sssaaaavvvvveeee ssssssssspppppppppaggggggeeeeeeee iiiiiiinnnnnn ttttttttthhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeee fffffffffuuuuuuuttttttuuuuuuurrrrrrrreeeeeee" it groaned. And then a plothole open and it sucked both him and the mole in.

They the appeared in the surface of the earth, still at the present. "Stupid ghost" said Jim "He couldn’t even suck me into the future, and now I have to start drilling all over again! Even worse, I’m still with this talking mole and my Pneumatic drill has only 5 degrees left!"

Then, a light popped from the mole’s head (it was an idea). The mole said nothing, it was just the heat creating mirages in his head and the mole continued tunnelling.

"Oh great" thougth Jim. "Now, what am I gonna do?"

Then, a strange worm told him "Greetings, I am agent Yinagilosolomontriskadecafoobia, codenamed Yipee two-Face. I am also searching for Mij. Wanna help me out (although we’ll fight for world domination with huge armies of authors, but neither of us know this yet)."

Jim replied "Sure, buddy. I think this could be the start of a beautiful friendship!"
So together they began to drill to the centre of the earth. However, when they got there they found not only Mij, but an overly abundant supply of red herrings which they proceeded to eat. Once they had done that they realised that they had no way of getting back out of the hole they had made to get to the centre of the earth.

They thought for a while, then Mij said "Burp."

The acoustic wave done by this gastric reaction produced all of the cavern to melt, making lava to appear everywhere!

Yipee Two-Face thought of a good plan ..."It's easy", Yipee replied. "We just use this melt-proof box that we are in and flow with the lava until we reach a plot hole. Don't worry, it happens all the time." And with that the 5 travellers (Jim, Yipee, Mij, Zerk, and Krez) floated along the lava river until at last they found just the right plot hole to get them back to the surface of their wormy world.

"Now to find Spadge," said Jim, "anyone know where he is?"
"Well, I think he went back in time to prehistoric days with a Morris-dancing Time Machine, whereupon he stepped on a bug, causing an infinity of Arnolds to appear." said Yipee. "Don't worry, Jim, you'll soon learn that time travel really screws you up." "But how are we going to travel back to the prehistoric age?" asked Jim.

"What about us?" asked Mij.

"You go home and think of developing some sort of spaceship; it may come handy in a near future!". said Jim.

"Hmmm... we can use a wormhole, a temporal vortex, or build our own time machine, or don’t do a thing and stay here and play Monopoly" said Yipee Two-Face. Suddenly, as if by magic, a Time Machine appeared in front of them - it was the Linux Time Machine that Jim had left in 2003 towards the end of Worms Story 2!

"Hey Jim, I know you will desert me some time in the future, but I'm big enough to cope with that. What say you guys use ME to get back and save Spadge?"

Suddenly, Jim heard a voice calling "Two more places available for the Worms army, anyone wanna be in the army? two places, newly open!". It was the call up worm, asking if anyone wanted to join the worms army as two spaces had come up. "Hmmm..." said Jim "This is a tricky situation. Do we join the army or go and save Spadge, Yipee?" then Jim looked around "Yipee?". Jim noticed that Yipee was already signing up. "Sorry" Jim replied to the time-machine "Not today. Mij and his brothers though will help you." and with that Jim hurriedly joined the army leaving Mij and family to travel into the past.

Upon joining up to the army, Yipee and Jim were asked to make their beds and then get down to business. Once they made their beds they were taught how to be soldiers. First they were taught how to use grenades and bazookas without having to move. then they were taught how to catch weapon reinforcements with a rope. Problem is their field sergeant really liked to swear A LOT and this gave the army a 12+ rating.

So one day they were doing their daily chores. "You Mother ****ers! My granny can think faster then you can do your chores! Hop over the ****en fence, then wash my ****en cars before I turn your ****en heads into ****en fishbait!!!!!" but luckily for them they were 13 so they weren't too traumatised.

Jim got angry though and sent a letter of complaint about the sergeant to the prime minister. This wasn't a good idea however as the sergeant caught him reading the reply from the prime minister and tore it up. Then forced him to do heavy training for the rest of the week. Jim was exhausted after the first day and treasured the moment of bed time. Unfortunately for him he was woke up at 5 am to do his heavy training the next morning

Jim eventually ended up getting so angry that he firepunched the sergeant right in the jaw and killed him. Jim was scared as he thought that this would warrant his arrest however the other generals,sergeants,etc in the army were delighted as it meant that his kill ratio had gone high enough for him to proceed to the next rank - novice. Jim went to sleep a happy worm however the next day, he was told that he had a new mission - to lead a group of rookies into battle in a dangerous mission, codenamed - "Who Left the Flood-Gates Open?"

They laughed when they saw the look on his face. One of the generals said "you don't honestly think we'd send a novice with 1 kill and a days training out on a dangerous mission do you?" Jim stood there and stuttered "n-n-no!”

"Well you're wrong!" replied the general, "You're exactly the type of expendable leader that we can use of these kind of missions. You never get any of us going in for these kind of missions - too dangerous! Also, I was joking about the kill thing -you've killed hundreds of worms. Remember that battle we had a few days ago?" So Jim was assigned to lead the mission. In his group of rookies were Cod, Chips and Yipee Two-Face (who had only three less kills than Jim). The mission began with a friendly drink with all the novices, they decided how they were going to do the mission without losing many worms.

The next day they set off they had packed as many weapons as they could carry. They were all dropped by parachute, worms were already fighting there, blood all over the place, this was one day in his life he was never going to forget as it also happened to be his birthday but we was unhappy as there wasn't time to have a birthday party. but while he's thinking about it, one of the novices yells "hey, no-worm has invented watches yet so we can't b late”

“So let’s get going" said Jim.
"Hey Jim... did you remember to close the flood gates so that we´ll not drown?" asked Yipee.
"Uhhh... (damn! not again!) ... uhh... Y-yeah, I have c-closed t-them..." peeped Jim.
"Good. If they were left opened... can you imagine that no one but me would drown? Thanks Jim!"
"Y-yeah..."

The mission began as normal, as Jim, Yipee, Cod and Chips began collecting crates and killing nearby enemy worms. Suddenly there was a rumble and the water level rose, drowning Cod, who had been standing near the water line.

"What was that?" exclaimed Chips.

Suddenly, a giant sheep's head appeared out of the water, generated by the word "hahahahahaha".

"That explains a lot," said Jim. "Now we'd better continue the mission."

But Chips wanted to mourn their lost colleague Cod, and after they did, they climbed the sheep's head. At the top of the sheep’s head there was an enemy worm! Using his lethal prod, he prodded Chips down into the water below.

Yipee frowned at Jim. "You left the flood-gates open, didn't you Jim?"
"Err... yes. But you were wrong - you're not the only one to die! Cod and Chips have already!"

Yipee cried "What are we going to do?" to which Jim said "Well... I'm getting out of here with our remaining Jetpack. I'm sorry buddy but I guess you're going to drown."

As Jim flew off he heard Yipee yelling "How could you do this to me, Jim? I thought we were friends, buddies, comrades - Now, we are enemies. If I survive this ordeal, I shall make sure that I send you down to the fiery gates of hell!" and then he was lost in a mass of water.

It was only a matter of time before Jim arrived back at the army HQ. He accidentally knocked his commanding officer into a mine upon landing and after the fellow had recovered he shouted at Jim, "Where is Yipee Two Face, you pathetic rookie?!"
"He... he was used as fishing bait" said Jim.
"As bait? Oh, poor Yipee! We must condecorate him as the bravest soldier ever born."
"What about me? I’m the last worm alive of the team, and I completed the mission!"
"You did? Well... uh... you can go to sleep 5 minutes later this night." said deeply the colonel.
"Yahoo!" said a very dumb but happy Jim.

That night Jim regretted what he had done to his friend, "but what's done is done" he said to himself, he knew he couldn't go back on what he had done, but he wished he had used his jetpack to get both of them out of there.

The next day, Jim's whole platoon was sent to Buffalo's Peak via helicopter. Jim was slightly worried as nobody had told him why they were being flown there yet everybody else seemed to know. He tried asking somebody but they just replied with "Murderer, you're going to get your just deserts at Buffalo's Peak!"

After a short period of time, they landed. Jim was told to stand just to the edge of the cliff with his back to the rest of the army. Then they prodded him over the edge. (Well what did you expect?)

Jim survived, but the mental trauma he suffered would haunt him for the rest of his life. "That's it!" he snorted, and he went AWOL from the army to join the rebel forces of Agent Dennis where Jim unexpectedly met his wife to be, but that comes a bit later. Anyway, he joined Agent Dennis' rebel force.

"So, um, what are we rebelling against?" he asked Dennis. "Don’t you know?" said Dennis "We bow our lives to defeat the general of the Worms HQ, who’s recruiting innocent worms into making suicide missions!"

Jim replied "I've just come from that army and they threw me off a cliff for ONE little mistake!" The rebels gasped in shock. "Don't worry, comrade!" said Dennis "You are safe now. Once we defeat Worms HQ, nobody will have to face that kind of punishment again. Viva La Revolution!"
"Viva la - what - now?" replied Jim.

A few months passed and Jim was getting used to life with his rebel friends. They got up when they wanted, ate what they wanted and fought injustice when they wanted. Dennis was a good friend and he and his sister were coming around for dinner that night at Jim's tent. As Jim wanted to impress his guests, he decided to do his Olde Fashonde Skye Divinge Routine, which would surely impress her.

As time passed, Dennis didn’t show up. Suddenly Dennis’s sister came crying "Oh, Jim, because they want to defeat us, the Worms HQ have captured our dear Dennis! Please Jim, 'Save Agent Dennis!' ".

Jim stood up and sat back down, stood up raised a shoulder, and lowered it and sat back down, got back up, raised his shoulder again, lowered, it, raised one eyebrow, and said "I will save him, however i must get something as a reward, and what I want is your hand in marriage. Oh yes, and a series of Worms Stories about me."
"Okay then, but only after you rescue Dennis."

So Jim set out on his toughest mission yet to finish a really big sandwich in under 30 seconds. Suddenly he remembered something, and muttered a mumble of flying crumbs.

So Jim set out on his toughest mission yet. First, he armed himself to the teeth. Then he chose a couple of expendable extra characters from the rebels who could be killed in the course of the mission and then they set off to the Worms HQ.

As they reached the Worms HQ, Jim discovered the enemy worms were having a party. "Yikes" he thought "Aren’t they supposed to be waiting for my attack?"

Suddenly a Concrete Donkey landed on one of Jim's rebels and continued through the terrain until it reached the water below. The noise caused the enemy worms to be alerted to Jim's presence and they ran at him, guns blazing. Jim decided that in order to rescue Dennis, he would have to use low gravity to get up on top of worms HQ, then dynamite the place, then calling his worms to storm the building while he went and rescued Dennis, but there was a problem, there were too many guards for him alone to get past and all of the other worms were fighting so he yelled "SUPERFROG!!! SUPERFROG!!! HELP!!!" at the top of his voice. Within seconds Superfrog was at his side. "What seems to be the matter ma'm?" asked Superfrog. "Hey! I'm no ma'm! Anyway, it looks like that army may kill me!" Jim replied. "So it does" said Superfrog and flew off.

Just as Jim was thinking that his days were finally numbered, Superfrog came back holding a gravestone, then ran away, and came back seconds later holding a ming vase Jim replied "this is no time for fun" Superfrog said "no, it's a new invention, it's sure to get you past the guards, but make sure when you place it they don't see you or they'll throw it back!" Jim set off up the slope being cautious around every corner, then he saw a room with many guards standing next to a door, but how could he place it without being seen he thought, then he had an idea. He caught one of the guards that was mindlessly walking and stole his uniform. As he approached the group of soldiers one of them said "Hey you aren’t one of us! You are that dumb Jim!"

"Oops" thought Jim as he stood there guiltily holding the Ming Vase. Then he had a plan. He lobbed the vase in the air and ran away while the guards rushed around shouting "Don't drop it! It's priceless!"

The enemy captain caught the vase just as its timer reached zero, and then, well, they all died. And the Worms HQ collapsed. And Jim was still inside, so he used a teleport to escape from the building. Luckily he made it outside in one piece. Unluckily Dennis was still inside so now Jim had to find a way to get Dennis out from under the rubble before he died. Jim didn't have any blowtorches on him but he did have a pneumatic drill and some grenades to clear the way, so he jumped on to Worms HQ, well what was left of it, and drilled down and threw grenades to clear the way, but he didn't know where Dennis was, he only knew where he wasn't and he'd hardly been anywhere when it collapsed on him.

But Jim, using his bright intellect, remembered that Dennis had a golden tooth. So he found one of those noisy Metal Sweepers - pretty conveniently, and for no apparent reason - . So Jim started searching the surface to try to get Dennis with, at least, 25 HP left. However the metal detector started going bonkers right off the bat. Jim suddenly remembered that he was carrying a ton of firearms, so he discarded them. The metal detector continued going bonkers, when he realized that all of the enemies buried also were carrying a ton of firearms. This was clearly getting him nowhere, so he alternatively decided to cry like a little girl and call a mole squad. Although he forgot to disarm the moles from killing Dennis once they touched him.

At this point, Jim got a tap on the shoulder. "Who are you looking for?" asked Agent Dennis who was standing right behind him. "Agent Dennis, the bravest worm that ever lived - I want to save him so I can marry his sister, she's hot!" replied Jim then he turned around. "Agent Dennis!" he exclaimed, "I was just talking about you!"

Now that Jim had found Dennis, he decided it was time to get back to base with Dennis so he could claim his prizes.

Later than week, Jim and Dennis' sister were married, to much celebration. But there was another problem. How would he get a series of Worms Stories?

"Simple," said Dennis, "we'll package you off to the Darksiders, and see where things lead from there."

So they did.

THE END

Written by

Worm Mad, Pickleworm, SupSuper, Paul.Power, Striker, Run, Zero72, Star Worms, Nbrettell, Lawd, Ireng, Kinetic and manitou.

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