Worm Story 2:
What happened to Jim after he stepped through the door
Introduction by Paul.Power
Well, WS1 was getting really long - it was on to something
like its ninth page, and people were getting so fed up that they imposed something
like a 20 post deadline. I managed to squeak the story out by getting Jim to
follow the Concrete Donkey through a door, thereby ending WS1.
The working title for WS2 was "What Happened to Jim
After He Went Through The Door". It wasn't intended to be about time
travel, or indeed anything in particular. I just thought it would be a feather
in my cap (or an extra bit of annoyance, look at it as you wish) if I did start
it off.
WS2 had about half as many posts as WS1, but as each post
was remarkably longer (Worm Mad's idea), the story itself was actually longer.
It was the first of many sequels, and I was quite pleased with the way the
series went. It was loony, but then I do pride myself on my lunacy...
Jim stepped through the door, only to find
that he had travelled back to the Jurassic Worm Period where Dinosaurs roamed
the Earth. "Oh Crumbs," thinks Jim "I've only gone and walked
into the far past where weapons were non existent and the concrete donkey of
light played the banjo all day on top of Mount Wormore".
Then suddenly a spacecraft landed and out
stepped SnipperTheWorm's old avatar (you know, the one that looked like an
alien and was really a bitmap). It said: "Run while you still have the
chance Jim! The Smelly Buffalo is still after you!"
So Jim ran as fast as he could until he ran
into a dyslexic pigeon named "Twerp" who was highly explosive to worm
beings, while the old SnipperTheWorm played a tune on his recorder, even though
they didn't exist yet and also that no self respecting alien would be seen dead
with a recorder.
Jim got out of the way of Twerp's blast
radius just in the nick of time, only to fall of a 375 ft cliff and luckily
landed on a big fungus type net.
Jim lost consciousness. When he came around,
he found that the buffalo of lies had captured him. "But Why?" asked
Jim. The Buffalo said "Well, there wasn't anything on telly tonight".
Jim groaned at this terrible joke, and
realised that his right hand wasn't chained up. Then the buffalo said 'Jim now
I want to be serious with you see I haven’t told you this but I AM YOUR
FATHER!!!!!!!!!'
Then suddenly Jim passed out. When he woke up
the Buffalo had found a baseball glove and ball. "I've never had the
chance to spend some quality time with you son, so I thought I'd have a go
now."
Jim replied, "NO! I'll never join you,
I'm a Donkey Worshipper like my father before me!"
"Er…I'm your father and I NEVER worshipped that donkey!" snorted the
Buffalo.
The
Concrete Donkey appeared from behind him and said "Really, then maybe you
can explain why Jim was 'born with evil within as mentioned in the first
paragraph of Worms Story 1?"
"Umm... er... it's like this..." began the Buffalo...
"Well" Jim's father interrupted, "It all began when I met your
mother. Boy what a demon in the sack she was, come to think of it, I think
that’s why you were born with evil within. And because of this, we recommend
that you don't have any children, as they will be even more evil than you are,
and we don't want that, do we?"
At that moment Boggy-B jumped in from nowhere
and cried "I'm afraid I've got a confession to make. I was working at the
hospital the night Jim and a buffalo called Bob were born and I kind of got
them muddled around. Jim wasn't really born with evil within and his dad isn't the
Buffalo of Lies, his real parents are the Angular Wooden Giraffe and the Aqua
Sheep, so how he turned out a worm is anyone's guess."
"So what happens now?" asked Jim.
"Why are we in the Jurassic era and how do I get out?"
"You need to find the time machine which
is guarded by 5,000 worms who all have well trained super sheep that can track
down intruders. If you do get past (chances are 1:1,000,000,000,000) go to the
time machine and type in present 20453235 BC and then Future 2002 AD"
He decided to set off only to suddenly
realise that 20,453,235 BC wasn't in the Jurassic Era! (20,453,235 BC is
Tertiary). If that was wrong, maybe everything he had been told was a lie...
Maybe he was still in VR simulation at Boot
Camp. After all, enough weird stuff had happened. He cast his mind back to his
days at Boot Camp...
Then he realised he saw a porno calendar on
the wall it had the time of the Jurassic Era. The calendar also helpfully told
him what year it was, so he could properly operate the time machine instead of
typing in the wrong year. The year really was 161,257,901 BC.
Jim had to find a strategy to get past those
5000 worms. Maybe if he found an Invisibility utility. There was no
invisibility utility around because the technology around was too feeble to get
past the worms then suddenly he found some plans that just blew into his face
on how to create a jetpack using Oil and other materials, sadly there was no
oil around to speak of.
However, given the turn-based nature of
worms, he might be able to make it to the time machine before the 5000 worms
could retaliate. He still had a fast-walk utility on hand.
Jim got to the time machine, running past the
5000 strong worm army. After setting it up as planned he pressed the big red
'START' button and the machine got underway. It was then that he realised that
instead of pressing a '1' he had accidentally pressed an 'I' key on the keypad.
"Oh damnit!" cried Jim as the time
machine stopped with an unreassuringly 'fzzitfggf' noise. Jim leapt out as the
time machine exploded, only to find that he had ten seconds before the first
member of the 5000-strong army reanimated.
He was sweating badly and shaking like a leaf
he had nothing left to do he slammed his hand on the keypad then he heard a
beep beep beep, flashing error on the LED screen. The error read
'**spaceman**'. "What the..." started Jim when suddenly a UFO
descended from the sky and zapped the 5000 worm army.
A pig flew by and said to Jim "Jim, you
must leave quickly. There's an army over those mountains to the south that will
help you. We have predicted your arrival, and the time will alter if we decide
to take you there, but in order to get there safely, you must collect lots of
crates, especially health crates. Having utility crates, and more weapons will
help you in your quest."
Jim set off on his perilous journey, only to
be stopped in his tracks by a sudden reappearance of the Johnson's Baby Lotion
bottle! The bottle was flashing a bright light and started flying it self then it
turned to Jim and squirted lotion saying 'follow me' on the floor.
Jim followed the bottle to a cave. He walked
inside and there was a singed branch of Wikapoo the magic tree inside. Wikapoo
cried, "At last, you've come. I have something to tell you before I die.
It's that I've managed to convert all that fake money Clarissa gave you into
real money; it is now in your bank account in Wormopolis.
"Mind you, that's some 160 million years
in the future, so you'll have to wait until you get the time machine functioning.
But there is a hut full of gold and wads of cash but you’ll have to get past
the 10 sheep on guard, the 100 super banana bomb mines, the 1,000 bazooka drone
guns, and the 10,000 mad cows, not to mention the four calling birds, three
French hens and those two turtle doves. Oh, and watch out for that partridge,
I'm sure he's planning to do something with that pear-tree of his. Maybe he'll
make some washing-up liquid for the super-sheep... I'm rambling, go on without
me..."
Jim had already left though. A cloaked
stranger approached him and said "I've fixed your time machine, you can go
home!". Foolishly trusting the shady individual, Jim got into the time
machine and set off back home. However, when he got out of the time machine he
had landed in the middle of the plate of corned beef that the authors were
eating!
"Oh, not you again!" exclaimed
Paul.Power. "Here, let me fix that time machine of yours - and properly,
not like that cloaked stranger did..."
The time machine was repaired but the time machine
only stretched a 50,000,000 year radius he transported then he thought he could
just keep transporting 50,000,000 year jumps but every time he teleported it
took 17 hours to recharge its energy so he played I Spy with himself to while
away the time.
"I
spy with my little eye, something beginning with A"
"Apple tree?"
"No, Wikapoo hasn't made another appearance yet..."
"Army?"
"Correct! Oh, ****..."
Next he decided to get out and see where he
was. He was in the INCO factory in Clydach, Swansea! He looked around and saw
boggy B with a banana bomb with his name on and then he saw another version of
him seeing boggy b. "This is too weird" said Jim "I guess I'm
going to need some more help from the writers to get home". So he pressed the
time machine's "Undo" button to get him back to the restaurant.
However the Time Machine said, "This
program has performed an illegal operation and will be erased from the time
stream. If the problem persists, contact... um... I DON'T KNOW!"
Then it randomly teleported and appeared with
everybody else in the Ice Age. A shadow moved swiftly along the ground. Jim
looked to the sky to see a Super Sheep heading towards him. Fortunately, the
sheep's pilot was a member of the Paul.Power School of Super-Sheep flying, and
missed Jim by miles.
Jim was getting extremely annoyed by now due
to all the things that had happened to him. He walked into the nearest cave to
go to sleep. "SUPRISE!!!" yelled the entire cast of Worm Story 1
& 2 who were hiding in there waiting for him. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!"
they cried.
"But
guys..." started Jim, "aren't you still controlled by the Smelly
Buffalo of Lies?"
"No" they replied "We couldn't stand the stench, so we left, and
took his supply of Johnson’s Baby Lotion with us."
"My birthday's tomorrow", said Jim.
"Damn, got it wrong again," Paul.Power said, annoyed. "Well,
happy birthday for tomorrow, Jim. We've got you a big cake..." However
that cloaked stranger who botched up Jim's time machine had tampered with the
cake...
Jim fell to the floor after eating the cake
crying "Ooooh, I don't feel so good!". The cloaked stranger laughed
and removed his mask, and then he cried, "It is I, Worm Mad! I messed with
your time-machine so you wouldn't get home and this story could continue and
now I've put ground up sleeping tablets in your cake so that I can cause more
mayhem while you're asleep!"
But Jim said "We have a backup time
machine, which is running the much more reliable Windows XP, so it will get us
home. You shall fall before..."
He produced a small, round, gold object with
a cross on the top. It was... a Holy Hand Grenade!
"The Holy Hand Grenade! Feel the wrath
of the Almighty!"
He threw it in the direction of Worm Mad,
only to realise that he would suffer as much damage as Worm Mad would.
"Oh ******..." he thought. This was
a move that was about as stupid as the average 'It's Dave D!' WWP team move.
The grenade exploded with a massive "HALLELUJAH!", engulfing him and
Worm Mad in a cloud of dust and debris. Not forgetting the bits of burned worm
and other animals which were unfortunate to be caught in the almighty blast
radius.
"Now that wasn't very nice!"
growled Worm Mad "I guess I've put you through enough, Jim. It's time to
give you the happy ending you deserve even though it will mean that you don't
have any more adventures and cease to exist."
"Cease to exist? No adventures?"
Cried Jim "Ha ha...who needs a happy ending, eh? I'll be happy enough
with..."
Before he could finish, something strange
happened. A giant bowl of cornflakes appeared, telling him it was all a dream.
"I don't believe you!" cried Jim.
This was an emotionally devastating revelation.
He produced a shotgun and proceeded to blast
away at the apparition...
He woke
up. "Hey! I want to tell you who I am!" cried the cloaked stranger
"Don't fall asleep on me!".
"You're Worm Mad" sighed Jim.
"No, I'm Worm Mad" Said Worm Mad who was sat in the corner, puzzled.
The cloaked stranger laughed, "I am Andy
Davidson ... aka as ... THE ONE AND ONLY BUFFALO OF LIES!" Jim replies
"You can't be!"
"Well maybe not... but I'm something
worse... I am your evil brother! Mwuhahaha ... And it's time we had a talk. All
my life, I've been in your shadow, you stole my birth rite, and it's about time
I've gotten back what's mine. So I'll make you a deal...
"You lend me your time machine, the
Windows XP version, and I will see that you get home safely, and have a happy
ending to the story. But, if you don't lend me your time machine, or it breaks
down on me, I will see that something extremely nasty happens to you. This
extremely nasty thing will be to give me 1.000.000.000.000.000. dollars!"
But he did not have so much money so he ran a
system check and checked the hard disk of the time machine to make sure
absolutely nothing could and would not go wrong and then he went to see his
brother. However his brother had died of boredom. The police believe that Jim
killed him. On the run for a crime he didn't commit, Jim decides to use the new
WinXP time machine to teleport out of this increasingly daft situation.
He landed in the heat of a major battle
between 2 teams, an evil one under the command of a secret evil commander and a
good one fighting for their lives. He recognized the good 1 as TE@/\/\ $TI/\/G
but they were only 8 of them and about 16 enemy members!
Their team was called It's Dave D! and thus
despite having a 2-to-1 majority, they ended up killing 12 of their own worms
in one shot, allowing Team Sting to mop up the rest. Then Jim said "what
the **** do I do now!” since he had no clue what to do.
It's Dave D!'s remaining Worm tried to use a
ninja rope to extricate itself from the situation, but instead bounced off a
cliff and fell into the water. Jim shrugged, and headed back to his time
machine but had no clue where to go...or when to be exactly...
Unfortunately, the time machine had bits of
It's Dave D worm all over it, and some of it had got in the time machine's
workings... Jim desperately tried to remove the Worm guts, but to no avail, so
he took out that Special lotion that everyone knows by now and poured it all
over the time machines controls hoping that this would make it work properly.
It did better than that! The time machine
came to life and said, "Where would you like to go, Jim? I recommend the
year 1998..."
But he wanted to go to the year 2010 (AD) to
see if Worms 3D had been released. So he teleported to the year 2010 AD but
things were not normal. Worms 3D had not been released but Team 17 had taken
over the world, instead!!! Jim was scared at the implications this might have
so asked a worm in the street what the world was like now.
"Well..." he began "... first
of all... why do you look 2D still? Go get yourself formatted to 3D then I'll
talk to you. You can find a transformation centre down that street, but beware,
if you don't have any 3D money, the guards there won't let you be able to
transform."
Jim replied, "What's with all this 3D
stuff? Is the world gone mad?" So Jim had no choice. He started walking
down the street and tried to think up a way to persuade the guards to let him
transform. After a few minutes, he thought of an idea. It was to steal money!
But he didn't want to be a criminal so he
decided to steal from criminals! So he robbed somebody who looked very shifty
and was holding a shotgun.
However
the worm saw him and cried, "Nobody robs from Fagin, eh boys?"
"But there isn't anybody else here!" exclaimed Jim.
"No...No...You're right. Take my money then I'll just go rob a bank!"
moaned Fagin.
Jim soon brought himself a nice new 3D body
but then he could no longer use his time machine as it was still 2D! Jim
wondered if he could find out how exactly Team 17 had managed to take over the
world. Then he saw a large purple sign on the horizon. Four letters, two
numbers. Jim exclaimed, "Ooooh 3D billboard...". He walked closer and
realized that it had said, "Team 17"
Jim approached a walking 3D worm and asked,
“Excuse me do you know where I can find the Team 17 HQ?"
"Team 17? Never heard of it," the Scottish worm scoffed and continued
squirming on.
Jim asked another worm who seemed nicer and
explained, "That’s a REALLY old billboard in honour of Team17. The company
died out a long time ago, but the new company were impersonators of Team 17
claiming they were the originals," the worm whispered not wanting to be
heard. "If you turn around that corner there may be some buildings where
Team17 once owned."
Jim proceeded to go until he felt footsteps
from behind. he heard a nose grunt, like a bull of some sort. He slowly turned
his head and gasped.
"It's my old friend, the Super Sheep of
Terror! But hey weren't you an illusion?" The Super Sheep of Terror warned
Jim that there was a policeworm following him with a bazooka so Jim used all
his cunning to make sure that the policeworm didn't see him.
Arriving in the old Team 17 HQ, he found the Angular
Wooden Giraffe lying on the floor asleep. "Hey! Wake Up!" yelled Jim.
"Oh hello" started the giraffe "I'm a little tripped up on
shrooms," he exclaimed a little woozy, "and I forgot what I was"
Jim then proceeded to shout
"Daddy!" (as, as mentioned by Boggy B near the start of WS2, the AWG
is Jim's father).
Salutations completed, Jim wondered where he
could find Team 18 (as the fake Team 17 were nicknamed), and their boss, Martin
(note spelt with "I" as he's an impostor) Brown, aka
"Spade" (note omission of "g", again because of the
impostor thing), so he could deal stuff out on a democratic basis.
"So,
Dad, where can I find Team 18?"
"They have a secret head quarters in Yorkhire Biglend (as the real team 17
is in Yorkshire England)."
So he went to that place and punched Spade in
the mouth then he asked him what this was all about. "Owww... It's just an
April fools joke...yow...why did you have to h...hit..me?" he cried.
"April
Fools was over a week ago!" Jim cried then he noticed a newspaper on the
floor. Jim screamed, the date read 1 April 2010. "Apologies," said
Jim, "time travel really screws you up. So this whole thing - a 3D World
Future, Team 18 - is just a big April Fools Joke?"
"Absolutely." said Spadge (as it turned out, he really was Spadge
disguised as Spade, and Team 18 was really Team 17 in disguise)
"So... what now?" asked Jim...
"You must travel back in time to the year 2003 so you can display your 3d
looks to other worms and tell them - the future is 3D shaped!"
"But my time machine's 2D," said Jim, "I need a 3D time
machine..."
Then he heard a 3d voice saying "turn
the machine 3d by going to the 3d shop down the road"
"Oh aye," said Jim. But there was
another thing troubling him. How could he, as a 3D creature, appear in the 2D
Worms world? Would he have to do the trick performed by A Sphere in the book
Flatland? Luckily he didn't need to worry about this as in the 3d shop he found
an excellent 2d-3d converter which he could ask the now 3d time-machine to use
to change the 2d world 3d and then it could return to pick him up.
So he gave the time-machine the converter and
it disappeared. A second or so later it reappeared. However it was a different
shape and multi coloured and it seemed a bit unreliable. It was the dreaded DOS
4.0 version!
"I'm not going anywhere in that!"
said Jim. So he shouted abuse at it.
"Oh. That hurts!" cried the unhappy time-machine "just because
I'm a DOS 4.0 time-machine doesn't mean I don't have feelings!". Jim felt
bad about treating the time-machine so badly, so he tried to find a shop where
they could update MS-DOS V4.0.
He scanned the nearby perimeter and had no
luck until he ran into a PC World shop but they could only update it from dos
v4.0 to v4.0000000000001, which was exactly the same!
But then he found an Internet cafe and
started surfing for information when he stumbled onto a certain site. His eyes
became glued to the screen as some very interesting information was seen on the
screen. Jim began to read quietly and soon found out that Windows 1.1 ROCKS!!!!!!
But what he REALLY found interesting was that
he had found a copy of the OS Linux, that he started downloading, but then just
as the download was reaching the 99.999% mark, his ISP disconnected him. After
much cursing, he decided to go back into the PC World, and buy Linux.
Nothing went wrong, making him extremely
surprised. So surprised he fell over, moving the mouse and clicking. It hit the
cancel button, which cancelled an order of 1000 pottery elephants that the time
machine had for some reason made.
Jim checked the time machine was working,
read through the operating manual, and set things in general for the year 2003.
A few minutes later and he was back in, the now 3D, 2003.
He went up to a 3d worm and said "Hey
did you know that it was me who made you 3D?".
"No, it wasn't!" shouted the worm "It was the magical
time-machine! He told us all about you!".
"But I've got the time-machine" Jim started then he realised that the
original time-machine must have created a badly working version of itself in
the hope that Jim would never get back to 2003.
"Arrest him!" cried the worm
"And then take him to see... the Almighty Time Machine!"
Jim began to wonder if his old time machine
had got just a little too big for its boots. He heard a voice from a nearby
house and ran there (or crawled)
When he got there he opened the door he
saw... all the Worm story authors! Only instead of the utensils they had when
they were discussing Jim's fate, they were all in defensive positions with miniguns,bazookas
etc.
One said "Gear up for war Jim we must
fight the evil time machine controlled by the buffalo of lies!"
"Ok" said Jim. "But we need the 2x Damage supply that will be
delivered to... The Time Machine’s palace!" and then "THE" Big
bang happened! What it was? It was the all mighty Concrete donkey falling down!
So Jim and the authors used their last Fast Walk to escape from the Donkey of
Destruction!
"That was a close one" said Jim.
"But we need to get that 2x Damage supply. I know a guy that can help us
in this mission. He’s Nutter!!! THE creator of the worms story! and also
plutonic could help since he created me!"
They all agreed to go to get Nutter and
Plutonic. Jim said: "But... Does somebody know where they live?..."
"Well" said Worm Mad "I looked into it and found that Nutter
lives in Australia but I couldn't find out where Plutonic lives."
Suddenly a carrier pigeon dropped a message
for them all. It read as follows: "if u ever want to c nutter again, u
must defeat the giant Mole of the darkside!" A very long down on the
paper, it was written: PS. If you've not found him until next month, we will
destroy the whole world's servers, so you can't play any wa and w2 and wwp
Mwaaha. DS.
"How the heck are we going to find that
mole, there must be another clue" said Jim. So they walked slowly in a
march led by no-one, and saw a big picture of the mole. Under it it said,
"Killer. Famous for killing almighty Nutter." Everybody got
worried...
But then the mole appeared and laughed
"Ha ha ha, I have put Nutter into a rocket and he's now in space!!! You
will never see him again!!!". Jim and everybody else killed the mole and
then got into a slightly unreliable looking spaceship which was nearby. Then
they blasted off into the unknown.
THE END
Written by
Paul.Power, Worm Mad, Plutonic, FlipNautix, NZKiwi,
SnipperTheWorm, explodingsheep, Mdk, thomasp, manitou, Vahagn, dragon, Striker,
SupSuper, fuch, Nutter, svenneundulat and Ireng.