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In loving memory of our Little Angel Gabriel
I was 21 weeks along. Everything was going great!!! We were excited. Hoping for a boy. I was due September 10,1998.
I went for my first ultrasound(hoping to find out the sex). I was amazed looking at the tiny body inside me. Growing very well. The tech said everything look good. I laid there thinking how excited my husband would be to find out we were having a boy. But I wouldn't find out the sex until a few days later.
I felt wet. Something was wrong. I thought I was bleeding. I asked the tech if I could use the restroom. She agreed and said we were almost finished anyways.
I put my legs over the side of the table, then stood up. A gush of water came from me. I couldn't stop it. I went to the restroom. It was clear and without oder. I prayed it was urine.
I ran out of the office. Racing home. My husband was home sleeping. I ran into the house. I yelled for him to wake up. I told him hysterically that I thought my water had broke.
I called the doctor's office. They had to call me back. I wanted 10 minutes and every second felt like hours.I was told to go to the hospital to be evaluated.
We didn't waste anytime getting there. I nearly left him in the parking lot. When we reached the desk. I told the nurse what had happened. I gave her my information. She took me to a room. "Put this gown on" she said. I did as I was told. Water still running down my legs, I got into bed.
My husband and I talked a little. Scared to death. Neither of us knew how serious it was. I told him... "You and the Girls can stay with your parents. I'm sure they wouldn't mind helping out. Arica doesn't have much school left this year and you need some time off." He agreed. We figured worse case would be I would have to stay the remainder of the pregnancy. Off my feet. A small price to pay.
A doctor and nurse came to examine me. My husband left the room. Trickles of water still running out. The doctor shook his head. "Oh yes it's you water." He said. But the way he said it I knew we were in serious trouble. He told us our doctor would be in soon to talk to us.
My husband came back. I told him what they said. We had no idea what we were in for.
A few minutes later a man came in. He introduced himself as the doctor we would be seeing while I was there. He started telling me that there was nothing I could do or nothing I could have done. I was so confused. "In cases like this without the amniotic fluid your baby will not develop any futher then it is now. Your body might go into labor soon by itself. In the next 7 to 10 days you could get an infection that will make you very sick, sterile or even die." I couldn'y believe what I was hearing. I asked if we could just put him on a resperator. "With the size of the baby the tubes used are way too big." My whole body was shaking. I felt like screaming. The he told us that I could try to have the baby. They would try to stop labor. But the uterus was collasped around the baby. It would eventually crush the joints making it severly deformed. The skin inside the uterus would stick to the baby's skin ripping it off in delivery.
This was so much all at once. I asked myself how this could happen. What did I do? The doctor went on to explain how sometimes in a pregnancy you can get an infection and never know it. Sometimes th infection can eat away at the sack causing it to weaken. It may not withstand the full pregnancy.
I wanted him to leave so I could try to grasp all this. I just wanted to die.
He told us that he has only seen one time here a mother carried her child to term like this and her child was healthy and normal. My chances were one in a million. But we had to make the decision.
Then before he left us...he said we had till morning to make this decision. Till morning....how could I decide whether to let my child die or not in a few hours? What were we going to do? Is it morally right? HOw could I live with myself after this?
He left the room. I was in shock. I couldn't believe everything he just said. I was so helpless. I am the mother I am supposed to protect my children and I couldn't. Not this time. What would I be protecting this baby from....me?
They soon took me to my room. They put me in the LDRP. I laid in bed water still trickling...listening to new mothers with their babies.
My husband and I talked. All I could do is cry though. How could this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this?
My husband had to go to work for awhile. He needed to be alone. I did too though. I sat in bed alone. Every nurse that went by I called to my room. They would sit with me for awhile. I cried on them. I asked them if there was something that could be done that the doctor forgot about. Asking them what I should do. They felt so uncomfortable. I could tell. I let them go. I didn't stop them anymore.
What if this baby was one in a million? Why can't I be the mother to get through this? But too much was stacked against me. It wouldn't be a restful night. I cahnged my mind every 10 minutes.
When I did fall asleep the doctor came in. It was time. I knew what I had to do. I had to think about the baby. I had to let it go. But how could I? He went over everything again. He also said he could bring a neonatologist in. But they often bring false hope.
We decided to do the right thing. I knew in my head it was right to let the baby go....but my heart screamed NO!!!
They would have to transfer me to another hospital though. The hospital I was at was a Catholic hospital and they wouldn't approve it. And if the baby was at least one pound it might have a tiny chance to live.
The ride there was silent. We hardly talked at all. What was he thinking? Could he ever forgive me? Will he see me differently?
WE got to the other hospital. I gave them my papers. We were told to sit while they got things together. All those people. I felt like they all knew why I was here. To kill my baby....to let it die....I mean....I'm not sure what I mean anymore.
The room was so small. Small wasn't the word for it really. More like a closet. The nurse came in. Her name was Sue. She was a hefty nurse. But the sweetiest ever.
She looked through my papers. And with a solem face told me to get in bed. I did as I was told. As I was told....I thought doing as I was told...being a good girl would change things.
Sue took all the vitals. Heart rate good. Blood pressure good. Baby.....good. She started to explaine how everything would happen. I would be given supositories of potosin. This was to help me go into labor. She said the labor was going to be very hard. The baby wouldn't be born alive. If it was alive it would only live a few minutes. The labor would come on quick and hard. Then she asked if I had any questions.I remembered how the other nurses were. I said no.
I felt so alone. Why didn't anyone understand? If I could have talked to someone....anyone. They could tell me what to do. Or at least say I was doing the right thing.
Every few hours Sue or another nurse would come in to take vitals, check to see any progress, and just ask if I needed anything. Yes I needed someone to talk to. Anyone...
The hours felt like weeks. It was like time stoppped. I could feel the baby moving inside me. It had no idea what it was in for. The poor poor baby. How could a mother let her child die? But how could I stop it? I decided the next person to come in I would tell them I changed my mind. To stop all this. I couldn't do it. But I knew that wasn't an option. It was going to happen no matter what I decided. My body let me down. I failed.
Every 6 hours the nurse came in to give me another dose of baby killer...That is how I seen it at this point. Why me? I just wanted to get this over with. But it wasn't going to be that easy.
It was 3 am on Friday. I think. My husband had been with me the whole time. He was soo tired. I sent him home to sleep for awhile. I laid there alone....again. How could I do this? Why couldn't this all be a horrible dream? What was inside me....another precious girl? Or the boy we had wanted so badly? I laid there for hours.
I was about to fall aleep when the pain hit. I mean real, hard pain...this was it. I wasn't ready for this. I needed more time with my baby. Even if it was inside me. I didn't want to get it over with. This was really it.
The doctor said I could have anything for the pain. I didn't want anything though. I needed to feel all this pain. I felt like I needed to be punished for this. I didn't call the nurse.
My husband called to see how I was. He knew something was wrong. I couldn't talk...the pain was so bad. He said he was on his way. I finally called the nurse. She said I should have called her a while ago. But she didn't understand.
My husband got there so fast. The nurse was with me. The baby was breach. She turned it around so I could push.
I was told it was ok to push now. But I didn't. I wanted to stay pregnany as long as I could. Even if the baby was dead. You see to me it already was. I knew when this baby was born it was over. I finally started pushing so hard and with every push the crying was deeper. I knew I was only a few pushes away from seeing this baby. The head came out and with that I felt some relief. One more push is all it took. The nurse looked at us with a solem face and annouced it was a boy....he is still alive. Why did it have to be the boy we wanted so badly? He was alive...now he has to die. I screamed I'm sorry!!!
The nurse handed me this tiny body wrapped in the is blanket. He was so little he was almost lost in the blanket. I've never cried so hard in my life until this day. May 1,1998. He lived 4 1/2 hours. They said he would only live 10 mnutes...he showed them.
Holding this tiny body. Perfect lips. Tiny hands. I watched as he took tiny breathes. Did I do the right thing? I was so confused. I gave him to my husband. I'd never seen him cry like this. HOw could I do this to him? He/we wanted a boy so bad. I was affraid to get too close to him. I didn't want to miss him the way I would. But later I would find out I would miss him more then I ever thought.
The nurse gave the cord a tug. It wasn't coming out. She called the doctor. They said I would be needing a D&C. He came to look at me. His face was not good. He called the OR he said we would be coming down there STAT. He explained how if I didn't get this done...I would bleed to death. But who cared? Not me...not at this point.
It was time to take me to surgery. My husband kissed me and said he would be here when I got back. Then he asked..." what will we name him?" I looked at him and said" his name is Gabriel". And with that I was gone.
Well I had the surgery and everything came out fine. They let me leave the hospital later that day. We had funeral arrangements to make. The worst thing is when I went to the funeral home to tell them I was Gabriels Mom and I was here to make arrangements for his funeral. He was burried at my Father's feet. I didn't know where else to put him, and didn't want him alone. The days and weeks to follow went on...I kicked and screamed but life went on. No matter how you want it to stop.
Dear Gabriel,
my only son. I miss you more then I ever thought I would. You would have been a wonderful additon to our family. You are thought of and talked about everyday. You have 2 sisters that you've never met. I thought it would be too hard on them. Your Daddy misses you and everything you would have done together. While I was pregnant with you I thought of it as doing things with you. I miss that so much. I had so much planned for you. Just know we love you and miss you very much. You will always be in our hearts.
Love always, Mommy
Sometimes I swear I live with an angel
Sent from above to watch over me
He wears his love just like a halo
If he's not an angel, what else could he be
Though I've never seen him fly
On the wings of love he carries me
Heaven bound I'm mystified
How with just one kiss
He made me believe in angels
Though I've never seen him fly
The Wilkinson's
 My Mommy
My Daddy
Angel Mariana My Baby Sister
My Sisters
Angel Christopher
My Grandma
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Angel © Chandra.
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